I just responded to a post regarding a little 8 year old girl fighting this horrible disease. My husband was a happy, healthy 39 year old man when he was diagnosed with brain cancer~with no warning. On July 28, 2008 he went to work at at 11am, he complained of a massive headache and quickly lost the ability to speak and was thought to have had a stroke. Ben was rushed to Duke Hospital where they found a huge mass in his brain that moved one of the hemispheres over so far that he just had one. Miraculously he was able to function and never complained although he must have been suffering horrendous headaches and other symptoms. He was just that way, selfless, caring and always worried about me . Because the crainial pressure and fluid in his brain was so great, he was unsconsious for three days before they resected his tumor. In the interim, his memories were erased, his congnitive ability reduced to that of a young adult, and his ability to speak and connect words was so limited. If it was not for the capable hands of Dr. Alan Friedman, I may never have seen my sweet Ben again. That day, our lives changed in an instant and life would never be the same again. His strength and courage through his difficult journey gave me the ability to stay strong and support him. Now that my "strength" and driving force is gone, I am not sure how to keep going.
There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of him, miss him and when I walk in the door I expect to see him sitting in bed waiting for me to cook dinner. I have shed more tears than I could ever imagine and would give everything up for just one more hour, minute or day with him.
What is even sadder is that my support system is gone. My family has not called to check on me since the funeral and most of my friends tiptoe around me. I can only tell people to please be there for your friends not just during the funeral but they need you more after the dust settles. My heart used to be so full and now it is so empty. I go through the daily motions of life; I work, come home, eat dinner, walk the dog and go to bed. I just exist. I am not sure what "normal" is and pray that time will heal wounds. Because my husband could not speak or communicate, we never had the "good-bye" that so many have been lucky to have when a loved one dies. Luckily I was with him when he passed and wished he could have said I love you or good-bye. It plays like a recording in my head and wish I had said so much more and that I knew he could hear and understand me. Every night I pray he comes to me in a dream just to tell me he is no longer in pain and his spirit free to fly. I am still waiting and hoping. I miss him so.
I am so glad for these boards and the support it has offered. It makes me terribly sad to hear more news of brain cancer that affects a sweet 8 year old girl. The pain is more than one can bare knowing what that family must being going through. I only hope that one day there will be a breakthrough in cancer research that can spare the lives of human beings.
God Bless and have a good evening. ~Lisa