Family shower issue. What would you do

[Mermaid02]

I would probably just make the call for the sake of my own sanity and make a mental note to not put myself or let anyone else put me in this type of situation again.

 

[Kellydelly]

If you DD's are included, do they bring their own gift?

The sole purpose of a shower is gifting the new mom or bride to be. I've been to many showers where people show up with their children but I've never seen the kid or teen who was "old enough to be invited" show up with a gift.

It would never occur to me to invite teens to a shower. Including the whole family on a wedding invitation if they know the couple well, yes, but not the gift grab that is a shower.

Maybe when teens are mature enough to realize that shower attendance means spending their babysitting money on crock pots or boxes of pampers, I'll reconsider.

The purpose of a shower is to celebrate a new life or marriage! I have seen plenty of showers with guests of all ages. If you have only seen them with adults I consider that strange.

 

[manning]

Well, the shower may not necessarily be a work shower - the coworker may be a close friend of the mother-to-be in addition to being a coworker, & the friend/coworker has volunteered to host a baby shower & wants to include friends, coworkers, family, etc.

The original post is not very clear, but I could see different scenarios happening -

* the coworker already had a list of invitees & whom she planned to invite, but needed the addresses, so she contacted the mother for only the addresses

* the coworker had a list of invitees but needed both addresses &/or the names of additional guests that the mother-to-be wished to include, so she contacted the mother for both names & addresses - in the original post, she said she was contacted for names and addresses, but I'm not sure what that means - did the coworker just need clarification on the full names or was the coworker asking for the names of people she needed to invite?

In the above scenario, I could see where, when the OP was giving her niece's name & address, she would ask about the niece's daughter.

I've been involved in showers both as the guest of honor & as the hostess. 2 coworkers hosted a baby shower for me, & they asked me for any names of family members that I wished to invite since this baby shower was the only one I was having. I didn't go crazy & only added my mother, mother-in-law, sister, & 2 sisters-in-law.

However, I've also been the hostess of a bridal shower which I attended to be a family shower for about 25 people. The guest of honor asked me if I could invite a "few" of her friends as well, &, when I said that was fine & asked for the addresses & she gave me her additional list of invitees, suddenly I found myself hosting a shower for over 100 guests - for which I was not prepared. I even had to change the venue.

Again, I can see legitimate reasons why a hostess needed to limit the guest list & not include younger children. I could also see where she might have been taken off guard when the OP originally asked her about her niece's young child.

I think it depends on how the niece's child was originally included - and was the niece's child's name written on the invitation? Or was it more of a "Would it be okay if niece brings child?" request? The hostess said yes, but, now, that she's given it more thought she realizes, for whatever reason, younger children can't be included.

Regarding the other children, it really does go back to whose names are on the invitations.

OP - it really doesn't have to be stressful & drama-filled. I originally said the hostess needed to contact the niece, but, since you're related to the niece, I can see where the hostess would feel more comfortable w/ you contacting your niece, especially if the "invitation" to your niece's child was just word of mouth from the hostess to you to your niece - after you asked the hostess. Just a little "Oops! I was mistaken! The guest list doesn't include young children..."

And then go to the shower, enjoy the time w/ your daughter, &, afterward, thank the hostess for giving your daughter a shower.

If that person was the source of the extra guest she would be getting a bill for them. An expensive shower for the guest of honor. Why would I do that? I'm nasty !!

 

[LongLiveRafiki]

If you DD's are included, do they bring their own gift?

The sole purpose of a shower is gifting the new mom or bride to be. I've been to many showers where people show up with their children but I've never seen the kid or teen who was "old enough to be invited" show up with a gift.

It would never occur to me to invite teens to a shower. Including the whole family on a wedding invitation if they know the couple well, yes, but not the gift grab that is a shower.

Maybe when teens are mature enough to realize that shower attendance means spending their babysitting money on crock pots or boxes of pampers, I'll reconsider.

DD7 has been going with me to baby showers since she was 4. She always goes shopping with me and picks out her own gifts to give (I give her several options from the registry to choose from plus let her pick one gift herself that doesn't have to be on the registry that she wants the baby to have). This is in addition to the gift that I give and comes at an additional cost to what I would spend on a gift if I went alone. DD does extra chores to "earn" the money for the gift, wraps it herself (though I did help her when she was 4), makes her own card, and takes pride in gifting it to the mom-to-be/ baby. She does the same thing for birthdays and Christmases. I've never been to a baby shower where she wasn't invited and I've always given her the choice on whether she wanted to go... with her understanding that she would have to do what's stated above. She's always more excited to go to these things than I am. She oohs and ahhs over all the little onesies being opened while I'm sitting there wondering if I can sneak out and grab a beer somewhere without anyone noticing. She's a much better guest than I am. She's also a girly girl (I am not) and loves ribbons and bows so her wrapped gifts look much nicer and more baby showery than mine.

I've always thought it strange that some baby showers don't allow kids. I mean, the whole point of the shower is to welcome a new kid into the world, who...wait for it... is already going to be at the shower no matter what. So let's celebrate the kid in mom's belly here, but please, no kids allowed.

 

[sk!mom]

The purpose of a shower is to celebrate a new life or marriage! I have seen plenty of showers with guests of all ages. If you have only seen them with adults I consider that strange.

And how do we celebrate the new life or marriage? By showering the guest of honor with gifts. Showers gave a start to the gift registry for goodness sakes. I'll stand by my statement. A shower is a party where the purpose is gifts so everyone in attendance should bring a gift.

Oh, I've certainly seen kids brought just not invited. Sometimes it seems "no big deal"- other times it's frankly annoying for small children to be running around, playing, etc... at an adult party. If it was a kid's party then there would be activities for them and I've never been to one where there was anything for kids. The last wedding shower I hosted was a brunch at a Wine Bar. We had a Mimosa bar and fancy munchies. Would you think it was OK to bring kids there?

DD7 has been going with me to baby showers since she was 4. She always goes shopping with me and picks out her own gifts to give (I give her several options from the registry to choose from plus let her pick one gift herself that doesn't have to be on the registry that she wants the baby to have). This is in addition to the gift that I give and comes at an additional cost to what I would spend on a gift if I went alone. DD does extra chores to "earn" the money for the gift, wraps it herself (though I did help her when she was 4), makes her own card, and takes pride in gifting it to the mom-to-be/ baby. She does the same thing for birthdays and Christmases. I've never been to a baby shower where she wasn't invited and I've always given her the choice on whether she wanted to go... with her understanding that she would have to do what's stated above. She's always more excited to go to these things than I am. She oohs and ahhs over all the little onesies being opened while I'm sitting there wondering if I can sneak out and grab a beer somewhere without anyone noticing. She's a much better guest than I am. She's also a girly girl (I am not) and loves ribbons and bows so her wrapped gifts look much nicer and more baby showery than mine.

I've always thought it strange that some baby showers don't allow kids. I mean, the whole point of the shower is to welcome a new kid into the world, who...wait for it... is already going to be at the shower no matter what. So let's celebrate the kid in mom's belly here, but please, no kids allowed.

Very interesting and I'll bet very rare. If your child is invited then it is, of course, fine to bring her. Good for you for making sure she has a gift. In the OP's situation though, children were not invited. And then expressly NOT invited. In that situation, it is always rude to ask to bring an additional guest.

What I don't understand are people who get wound up over kids not being invited. If you cannot go places without your child then decline but don't expect everyone to always include them.

 

[Hikergirl]

The shower is not the only time to celebrate a new addition. Some families actually get together and celebrate after a baby is born so no need for everyone to be at a shower.
Men aren't usually invited yet I never see anyone think that is weird, aren't they also part of the family that is celebrating? Can't have a baby in the belly without a man, so why not celebrate with all the men in the family too

 

[DisneyHardin]

And how do we celebrate the new life or marriage? By showering the guest of honor with gifts. Showers gave a start to the gift registry for goodness sakes. I'll stand by my statement. A shower is a party where the purpose is gifts so everyone in attendance should bring a gift.

My sister is getting married in August and her good friend is going to have a "couples" shower for them. Since you say that every person in attendance should bring a gift, does that mean that each couple invited is expected to bring two gifts?

 

[mjkacmom]

It seems like a lot of work for a second baby.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

Our baby showers aren't the traditional kind of baby showers that people hate (Although I'm sure some people would hate the kind of showers we have). Ours are a big celebration. Men, women and children are invited. There's usually a DJ, lots of dancing, lots of food and usually liquor. There are no boring and annoying games. Everyone is having a good time and enjoying themselves. It truly is a party. My baby shower was at a hall and there were 125+ people. We partied until 2 am.

I never understood the hate for baby showers on message boards until I went to one of "those" baby showers mentioned on the boards. You know, the baby games, everyone is just sitting around eating finger foods and chatting. You have to watch mom open gifts for over an hour and every one says "ooooohhhhh,,,,ahhhhh." Yeah, if I had to go to baby showers like that all of the time I would want to poke my eyes out too. Luckily I've only been to one like that.

Now bridal showers are usually all women and we play the corny games. After it's over we usually go somewhere else and party a bit. Or we meet up with the guys and do something fun.

 

[sk!mom]

My sister is getting married in August and her good friend is going to have a "couples" shower for them. Since you say that every person in attendance should bring a gift, does that mean that each couple invited is expected to bring two gifts?

At a couples shower, I would expect that if you and your significant other brought a joint gift it would be a nicer gift than if you brought a gift alone.

 

[SirDuff]

At a couples shower, I would expect that if you and your significant other brought a joint gift it would be a nicer gift than if you brought a gift alone.

I think that the question is that there are two brides having a joint party. So, two "guests of honour", hence two presents (I'd assume - though if I only knew one of them, I'd likely get something small for the other).

 

[The Mystery Machine]

In fall one of the girls my DD works with called to get names and address since they were planning a baby shower for DD. So I gave them names and address for our family .my niece has an 18month old DD I asked if it WS OK if she came too . which I was told that would be fine. So last night I get a text from my DDIL .saying that the girl I talked didnt have my phone # so that's why she texted DDIL anyways it seems now they don't want little kids at the shower. My 10 yr old DGD can come. But now the work friend wants me to call my niece and tell her that her DD is not invited. I don't knows why she didn't say anything about it to my niece when she called to rsvp but now I'm stuck in the middle I'm just wondering if my DD is allowed to bring my DGD . she's only 3. Just wondering what you think or how to handle this awarkward situation . thanks all

I would call your niece and tell her to get a babysitter. Problem solved.

 

[Wishing on a star]

(Although I'm sure some people would hate the kind of showers we have). Ours are a big celebration. Men, women and children are invited. There's usually a DJ, lots of dancing, lots of food and usually liquor.

Yes, you are right, that would not be my idea of a shower....
Does everything have to be about liquor and drinking and partying?
How about the fact that a very very pregnant young woman, who probably shouldn't be drinking, is the guest of honor.
Color me confused...

 

[mi*vida*loca]

Yes, you are right, that would not be my idea of a shower....
Does everything have to be about liquor and drinking and partying?
How about the fact that a very very pregnant young woman, who probably shouldn't be drinking, is the guest of honor.
Color me confused...

Not everyone drinks but it's available for those who want it. It's not a booze fest. No one is falling down drunk. But wine, beer and rum and cokes are available. It's no different than having a shower brunch with a bunch of mimosas.

Dancing and partying is part of the celebration. We believe in celebrating life. Music and dancing is very normal to us.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

My sister is getting married in August and her good friend is going to have a "couples" shower for them. Since you say that every person in attendance should bring a gift, does that mean that each couple invited is expected to bring two gifts?

It is up to you really.

When my brother and now exSIL had a couples baby shower, I bought a "dad" gift (manly baby diaper bag) and "mom" gift (forgot what I got her).

 

[cats mom]

Sorry OP, but I think you put yourself in the middle when you asked if your niece's 18 month old could attend. It's now clear the organizers don't want young children at the shower. Would it have been nicer if you had received that message personally rather than indirectly? Of course, but would it really be that big of a deal for you to contact your niece and let her know? Your DD's co-workers / friends are doing a nice thing by throwing her a shower and including your family (I'm going to assume your DD was involved in coming up with a guest list, and that's what she wants) so don't make this more than it is. Break the news to your niece, then sit back and enjoy the party in your DD's honor.

 

[Wendy31]

I think it's evident that there are different shower traditions, & not every shower is going to be the same.

Some showers will have lots of guests & some will be more intimate. Some will be held at a church, & some will be held in a restaurant or someone's home. Some will have alcohol, & some will have punch. Some will have finger sandwiches, & some will be a full catered spread. Some will be co-ed, & some will just be women.

The church my family attended while I was growing up would host bridal showers for ladies in the church who were getting married & baby showers for first-time mothers. (2nd babies didn't get showers.) So I grew up going to bridal & baby showers as all the ladies of the church - including the little girls - were invited to the showers.

At most family showers, the younger & little girls of the family were always invited as well.

And, no, the little girls don't bring their own gifts - the guest of honor is perfectly fine w/ the little girls being included w/ their mothers' gifts. And none of the little girls run about wildly either.

As a young girl attending showers, you learn how to behave at showers, what kinds of gifts to bring, etc. You learn by example & learn how traditions work - it's part of growing up into the fold of "womanhood" - as cheesy as that sounds. LOL!

Before the DIS, I'd never seen the sentiment that every single person who attends a shower must bring his/her own gift. Part of the shower is the celebration of the upcoming event - the younger girls who attend w/ their mothers are there as part of the celebration, & I see nothing wrong w/ them just being included in their mothers' gifts. At a co-ed shower, I would not want both people of the couple to bring a gift - one gift from the couple is adequate.

Regardless, though, not every shower has to include children, & that's fine too.

Again, I'm not clear from the original post how the niece was originally invited to the shower & how she was informed that her 18 month old could attend.

However, OP, it sounds like you're used to more family-oriented or maybe church-type showers where children are usually included, and that's okay. However, in this case, the hostess (hostesses?) prefers not to include younger children, & that's okay too.

As you are not hosting or paying for this shower, I don't think it's a good idea to try to unduly influence the guest list. While you may think it's nice to include your younger relatives, for whatever reason, the hostess is limiting the guest list.

It sounds like maybe (and, again, the original post & update aren't very clear) that the shower attendees will be a mixed set of guests - coworkers, friends, & family - so it's not a "family" shower, & it's not being hosted by family. So, while, in the past, showers may have been done differently in your family, this particular shower is different.

I would let the hostess handle the invitations how she'd like - only the people whose names are on the invitations are invited. The ONLY person for whom I MIGHT ask for clarification would be your daughter's 3 year old - since this is a surprise shower for your daughter.

If someone in your family wants to host another shower for your daughter & include all the younger children, that would be fine.

 

[Hikergirl]

Yes, you are right, that would not be my idea of a shower....
Does everything have to be about liquor and drinking and partying?
How about the fact that a very very pregnant young woman, who probably shouldn't be drinking, is the guest of honor.
Color me confused...

What is confusing, people drink alcohol, and it is not unusual to offer a selection of beverages at a party.
And having alcohol does not make a shower the equivalent to a kegger. Adults can manage to drink responsibly, and pregnant women can certainly be in the room when it is served.

 

[Dznypal]

I've stated before that the shower is a surprise and one the co workers that's hosting it called me for family and names and address so that's what a gave her since i only met these people times that's why I asked about nieces DD which I was told was ok. Not thinking I was causing a major issues when actually I was trying to avoid any issues since hostess first said GGN could come then change the rules she should be the one to tell her now she can't come my niece is not only DD cousin she's also her best friend. They are really close I wish I would have though fast enough to say thanks but we're planning a shower but I thought it was so nice of them to think of DD thanks for the replies

 

[Disneybuckeye]

I've stated before that the shower is a surprise and one the co workers that's hosting it called me for family and names and address so that's what a gave her since i only met these people times that's why I asked about nieces DD which I was told was ok. Not thinking I was causing a major issues when actually I was trying to avoid any issues since hostess first said GGN could come then change the rules she should be the one to tell her now she can't come my niece is not only DD cousin she's also her best friend. They are really close I wish I would have though fast enough to say thanks but we're planning a shower but I thought it was so nice of them to think of DD thanks for the replies

It is very nice of them. If your niece does not want to attend without her child she should decline the invite. Even if she is your daughter's BFF they do not have to do everything together.