Mum I miss you...

[sarahandgreg]

Hi.

I posted a while ago because my mum and my MIL were both ill. MIL has cancer and my mother had COPD (end stage apparently)
Well I went home to the UK at thanksgiving to visit my mum - she was being discharged from the hospital on the day I arrived there. We took her home and shockingly in the early hours of the morning that I was due to come back to the USA she was taken back into hospital and we were asked to come to the A & E department as she was dying. What happened next was heart wrenching. My mother was in the resuscitation room for 2 hours while they worked to save her. She was sat up in bed with a CPAP mask on while they tried in vain to remove the carbon dioxide from her system, She was semi conscious ,eyes rolling, and trying to fight back. We were all willing her on but sadly after 2 attempts they told us it was no good and they were going to have to let her go.
I am devastated , my world has collapsed, how the heck do you move on from this. All I see very night and every morning is the scene in that room - I can't get past it - I keep asking myself if she knew what was going on ( I pray that she didn't) The hole in my heart is massive, I can't ever see it healing.
Its almost 2 months ago that this happened. Am I normal to feel this way? Anyones experience of grief would help - how long does the hurt and pain last for?
Thanks for listening.

 

[bbak3030]

Oh no I'm so sorry to hear this. I'm an ER nurse and unfortunately these scenes happen often and you can't unsee something you have seen. Oh how I wish we could.

It sounds like your mother was hypoxic and I doubt that she even understood what was going on. That's pretty common. Try and think about her in happier times and not about that day if you can.

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. :-(

 

[DIS_MERI]

*hugs*
We lost my Mom to stage IV breast cancer in September (it had spread to her lungs, plus she had emphysema, so her breathing was pretty bad, especially at the end). My Dad, brother and I were there when she passed, and although it was peaceful (I live 2.5 hours away, and by the time I arrived she was already unconscious and her 02 sats had dropped into the 80s; she just gradually breathed slower over 4-5 hours), it was still difficult. I haven't noticed the grief getting any better, and I'm not sure I expect it too. I suspect it is the price we pay when we love someone dearly.

 

[mommasita]

I am terribly sorry for your loss, and your pain.

I don't personally believe in a normal time, or pain... I think time doesn't always heal everything, but we learn survival skills, because we simply must.

HAve you, or would you speak to someone? It may help you at least talk it out... I think in your situation, I would absolutely need it, for quite a while..

Again, my heart goes out to you.. Post away, we are all here for you

 

[Goldilocks07]

I am so very sorry for your loss.
I just lost my father January 11th, 2015- it was completely sudden. He was in great health, 64 years old, eating dinner on a Sunday night with my mom in the kitchen, just as they do every night. And he dropped of a heart attack.

She was in South Carolina, I was in NYC. She told me, in some detail, what had happened. And I cannot SHAKE or erase the scenario from my mind. It's as if I were right there with her when it happened. I have to actually remind myself that I wasn't.
I understand what you are going through.

My experience is just as fresh as yours- and I think about what happened, EVERY DAY. Multiple times.
However, I do know that these feelings will go silent at some point. They won't go away, but they will stay QUIET. I know you understand what I'm saying.

I am here if you ever need to talk or post. It's a horrible, HORRIBLE thing to lose a parent- especially at a young age.

Sending hugs your way....

 

[allwritemel]

I understand your pain and I'm sending hugs - the only thing any of us can do. I wish I could do more. I lost my lovely grandad in April 2013 and the pain never goes away but I've learned to cope ... I still get days I cry, have 'silly' days ... we go to his grave as often as we can (rarely miss a week). Effectively we'd lost him a good 5 years earlier - he had Alzheimers. My grandmother is ill now (she's nearly 92) ... Last time I was in Disney I became CONVINCED we'd lost grandad and that scared me. Then, just six weeks ago, my boyfriend lost his father. Somehow I KNEW it was that day and went haring down ... I'd only been there about 20 minutes ... I don't think the pain EVER eases but I do think we learn to live with it. The worst thing you can do is blot it out (or try to). Having a good support network is critical. We on here all care about you but unfortunately we cannot be with you. Don't be afraid of the tears (I'm constantly telling my boyfriend that!) - they are healing. This is the time you really need to rely on your friends. I wish I could say something that would take away your pain and heartache but I know I can't - please feel free if you want to private message me. Goldilocks is right to say that the feelings will go quiet. I know exactly what she means. In just 4 months I've heard of SIX people, some I cared about very deeply, who have all died (some in shocking circumstances). I say that only to say that I understand your pain. I know I haven't lost my parents but I can empathise. Take good care of yourself. {{{{{HUGS}}}}}