Need to vent about a roommate...

[Hikergirl]

She's an adult, and has made her own choices about where she wants to stay, and what drugs she wants to do. I wouldn't bring up anything other than the strangers staying in her room while she isn't there. If she doesn't want to listen to that I would go and speak to someone in campus housing and explain that she is giving strangers her key and you believe they are using drugs in there (even if you don't really believe that). Let them deal directly with your roommate

 

[mousehockey37]

I'm gonna stray some from other posters. Yes, I'll agree that ganging up on her to let her know what the whole thinks isn't a great idea, but if the concern is more for her health and well-being, an intervention of all the friends together can be a good thing. It's all in how it's approached.

What kind of language is already in your lease? Are there certain things that can be used to get her out?

College is a time where people find out who they are. I know you're all friends and stuff, but this is where you have to look out for yourselves and each other. If she wants to branch off and go a different way (and not listen to any or all of you in the process) then that's on her. It hurts watching other people go down a "bad road" but unfortunately, you can't stop them. It's ultimately up to them to make the change. The best thing you can do is find a way to keep the rest of you safe until you can either rid the house of her. Again, it's hard feeling helpless, it really is, but if someone from the campus housing office were to be called by a passerby who smells/sees anything illegal going on, it's not going to be just on your roommate, at that point it will be on ALL of you. So the sooner you take care of this, the better.

 

[Shanti]

Go to the campus housing office and tell them that you have a suspicion about drug use in the housing unit. If there is any kind of bust, you don't want to get implicated in any way.

 

[mjkacmom]

If she’s not smoking pot in the house, and says she won’t people stay there, what is the problem, she is a legal adult paying rent. I’m sure there is no underage drinking, either, and the 18 year of brother is also an adult.

I went to college, DH went to college, I have two in college, lots of pot smoking going on in college.

 

[low-key]

what works for 18 year old, doesn't mean it will work at 21

 

[monsterkitty]

Pot isn't illegal here, but many management companies and landlords do have rules about smoking anything in the apartments or houses. When we had a rental property we stated the renters must be smoke free - not because we're against smoking, but for safety reasons.

Look in your lease. Does it mention anything about a smoke-free environment? If it does, highlight the section and text a picture to her. Also, reinforce that you don't want strangers in the house when she's not there to be their host. Tell her she needs to be an adult here and talk face-to-face and not through texting.

Who cares if she has basically emptied her room if she's still paying rent and you guys don't get stuck for her portion. I know you said you each have individual leases, but can they either put a new tenant (a stranger) in if she breaks her lease or they evict her. However, she while she is on a lease in the house she needs to play by the rules that you should all sit down together and discuss. If she doesn't want to sit down, then the 4 remaining roommates should set the rules and share them with her. Let her have a voice and listen to the voice, even if she isn't adult enough to sit and talk with you.

 

[focusondisney]

Frankly, if she was already on academic probation & isn't even going to class, I doubt you will have to worry about it much longer. What, another 3 weeks? Maybe 4 left for the semester? I highly doubt she will make it to next semester.

Keep locking your doors, maybe tell you don't want strangers there without her. And if she does by some miracle make it another semester, talk about her finding somewhere else to live.

 

[Christy702]

Thanks for all the replies.
We live in student housing in the sense that it was built for students--individual rooms with private baths and they lease by the room not the unit, but it isn't affiliated with the university.
I agree with people saying not to gang up on her, and that's mostly why we haven't all talked to her at once yet besides the fact she's never home.
We know she's broken our lease by having drugs, and she's broken her boyfriend lease because it specifically says you can't have visitors for more than 7 consecutive nights, preventing people from living with you that are not on the lease. But we would never go as far as to have her evicted.
I understand she's an adult and can make her own choices, but at the end of the day we're all mainly upset she basically threw us away once she got a boyfriend

 

[jevs]

So you have issues with two roommates? The pot smoking one that has pretty much moved out and the other who is letting strangers stay in her room.

The only issues I’d have is smoking in the house. And strangers in my space, are there any shared areas i.e. kitchen/lounges?

 

[Nancyg56]

She's an adult, and has made her own choices about where she wants to stay, and what drugs she wants to do. I wouldn't bring up anything other than the strangers staying in her room while she isn't there. If she doesn't want to listen to that I would go and speak to someone in campus housing and explain that she is giving strangers her key and you believe they are using drugs in there (even if you don't really believe that). Let them deal directly with your roommate

I agree. You cannot change your friend's choices, but you can change how they affect you. Ther eis no way I woudl tolerate a roommate handing out her key so that our home was now a flophouse for strangers. This is the hill I would die on and I would have the landlord address it.

 

[Allison]

I can't believe someone would suggest reporting drug use even if you don't think there is any. What a terrible idea. Since when is it okay to lie about something as major as that to get things to go your way?

This goes to show why people are met with skepticism when they come forward with allegations. People lie.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Frankly, if she was already on academic probation & isn't even going to class, I doubt you will have to worry about it much longer. What, another 3 weeks? Maybe 4 left for the semester? I highly doubt she will make it to next semester.

Keep locking your doors, maybe tell you don't want strangers there without her. And if she does by some miracle make it another semester, talk about her finding somewhere else to live.

This.

I MIGHT be tempted to call police and extract strangers. Strangers are NOT on lease and you could probably kick them out LEGALLY.

I would tell her to find other housing for next semester if you can.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I can't believe someone would suggest reporting drug use even if you don't think there is any. What a terrible idea. Since when is it okay to lie about something as major as that to get things to go your way?

This goes to show why people are met with skepticism when they come forward with allegations. People lie.

Yep. I find that lying is all the rage now. People I know that never lie are lying now. It is CRAZY.

 

[firecracker725]

My roommates and I had similar concerns about our fourth roommate. After multiple failed attempts to have an adult conversation about it and remedy the situation, we got together and went to her parents. The lease was in her mom's name, after all, so it was her business. I can't say I recommend it as the first line of defense, but I'm throwing it out there as an option.

In the end, our roommate was just in a bad place emotionally. She was a good girl who'd fallen in with a bad crowd who seemingly accepted her faults and all. She got herself together, but it took a pregnancy and her parents cutting her off to snap her back.

 

[Hikergirl]

I can't believe someone would suggest reporting drug use even if you don't think there is any. What a terrible idea. Since when is it okay to lie about something as major as that to get things to go your way?

This goes to show why people are met with skepticism when they come forward with allegations. People lie.

In this situation I really wouldn't care. If strangers are there then I have no idea who they are or what they are doing in that room. If they are friends with someone who is known for doing drugs than AFAIK they are doing drugs in there and that is exactly what I would report.
If it was my dd you bet your behind I would suggest she do what she had to do to make sure strangers weren't waltzing into her home whenever they chose. YMMV.

 

[Skellingtonj]

IMO, it’s too late for ground rules. She’s made her choice, it’s not one you agree with but she has to liver her life. It’s def a tough spot to be in

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

Okay so a little background info.. I live in a 5 bedroom house with my best friends. We've all been friends since freshman year of college, and we're juniors now. We've all lived with each other before, just never at the same time.

So about a week after moving in to the new place one of my friends (we'll call her Jay) had a friend over, and me and my other roommates were in the living room watching tv. We smelt a certain substance being smoked and one of my roommates knocked on her door and asked her what she was doing. She said nothing and my roommate told her we could smell it, and she said sorry and she would put it out. Right after it happened we wanted to talk about it, just to let her know we weren't okay with that being in the house. She wouldn't come out of her room for the rest of the night. She hates confrontation and will hide from us before she ever admits she was wrong. A few days passed and we barely ever saw her come out of her room, and then she left notes in each of our rooms apologizing. We got over it and decided if it didn't happen again it wasn't a big deal. Eventually things weren't awkward anymore and everyone got over it.

A few weeks later she started dating this guy who lives in the same neighborhood as us, just a few houses down. She spent the night there every night and eventually had moved all of her clothes and personal stuff there. Now there are barely any clothes in her closet, and her bathroom is basically empty. She even does laundry there and keeps all her groceries there. He also lives in a 5 bedroom house and I'm honestly surprised all of his roommates are fine with it. She barely ever comes home and whenever she does it's only to get more stuff to bring to his house. I know most people would say the ideal roommate is one that's never there, but we were best friends before all this happened and she completely shut off our friendship when she got a boyfriend.

One weekend one of my other roommates (we'll call her B) had her younger brother (he's 18) come stay with us for a football game. Jay knows B's brother because B and Jay and lived together last year. When B's brother got here, Jay texted him and asked him if he wanted to come smoke with her, and he went. B didn't know where he was going at the time, but he told her after. She was furious at both of them, but mostly Jay for even offering. I mean seriously, who asks their roommates little brother if he wants to come do illegal drugs with her? B confronted her about it and they got in a fight, so that just created even more tension.

Recently, she's been having friends come from out of town and she'll give them her key to our house so they can stay in her room, and she doesn't even ask us. If she was here staying with her friend, we really wouldn't care, but she's letting strangers we don't know stay with us. We've also tried talking to her about that but she's says it's her house too. I literally feel like no matter what we say, she won't listen.

We're all upset our friendship is basically ruined after all this, and we're more worried about her than anything. She was already on academic probation coming into this semester, and she admitted she barely goes to class anymore. We went to a party at Jay's boyfriend house earlier in the year and we know they do harder drugs and we're always worried she's gonna try them. We've tried talking to her about it but she ignores our texts and rarely ever comes home. And what happens if they break up and she moves back home? She's gonna want to act like nothing happened and everything is fine but we aren't willing to let this go. It's just something that has been bothering me and just needed to vent a lil about it

Well I'd be upset that my friend has chosen a path that is going to ruin her, at least for a time. But other than that, I wouldn't be upset.

1. She has no right to invite people over to flop in her stead. And you are well within your rights to have any such squatter removed. I certainly would have no problems calling the police to do so. I certainly would have no problems giving the police permission to search the room while they are there. Her not staying there isn't a problem. She pays her rent. She can stay there or not. Inviting strangers over to stay in her absence is a problem. And one you don't have to put up with.
2. You've given her your advice on the drugs. That's the end of it. She can either take your advice or she can crash and burn. It's not that you want her to crash and burn. It's that she will. Yes I'd be sad my friend chose to crash and burn, but there would be no arguments about it and no drama. You simply do not bring illegal drugs into my house. You certainly don't do them there. And if you do, you're out of my life until such time as you're not doing them any more. Arguing with a druggie is like arguing with a 5 year old. So don't even bother. She's making the choice to do them. She has no right to introduce them to your life. As for B's brother, same deal. He made his choice. Yes she crossed the line there too. But he's a big boy now. I would make it clear again in no uncertain terms that drugs do not belong in the house. And depending upon what college/state you're in, there could be very serious consequences both from the legal system and the university itself. She has absolutely no right to bring those potential consequences down on you.
3. She would not be my room mate on any future lease. If she can't even keep to basic standards of courtesy, well... Buh bye. Sounds to me like she'll probably flunk out by the end of the semester anyway and solve that problem for you.

 

[Allison]

In this situation I really wouldn't care. If strangers are there then I have no idea who they are or what they are doing in that room. If they are friends with someone who is known for doing drugs than AFAIK they are doing drugs in there and that is exactly what I would report.
If it was my dd you bet your behind I would suggest she do what she had to do to make sure strangers weren't waltzing into her home whenever they chose. YMMV.

And this is part of the problem we have in the world these days. Justification of lying to do what you have to do.

 

[Hikergirl]

And this is part of the problem we have in the world these days. Justification of lying to do what you have to do.

Well if I know that she is doing drugs then I believe her stranger friends that are crashing there are doing drugs also. I call that fixing the problem.

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

And this is part of the problem we have in the world these days. Justification of lying to do what you have to do.

No need to lie. One would simply say I suspect drugs are being done but cannot prove it which is 100% absolutely true.