Need to vent about a roommate...

[Allison]

explain that she is giving strangers her key and you believe they are using drugs in there (even if you don't really believe that)

No need to lie. One would simply say I suspect drugs are being done but cannot prove it which is 100% absolutely true.

That isn't what was said. The poster is clearly justifying saying something that isn't believed to be true as an end to a means.

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

That isn't what was said. The poster is clearly justifying saying something that isn't believed to be true as an end to a means.

And I said there is no need to lie. And what I said was accurate to the case at hand in this thread.

 

[Hikergirl]

That isn't what was said. The poster is clearly justifying saying something that isn't believed to be true as an end to a means.

I'm sure you have never ever in your life said something that wasn't 100% true.
I can at least admit that I have, and I probably will again in my lifetime.

 

[Allison]

I'm sure you have never ever in your life said something that wasn't 100% true.
I can at least admit that I have, and I probably will again in my lifetime.

What I can say is I have never justified making accusations that someone is doing something illegal when I don't believe that they are.

 

[Hikergirl]

What I can say is I have never justified making accusations that someone is doing something illegal when I don't believe that they are.[/QUOT

 

[EveDallas]

So you have issues with two roommates? The pot smoking one that has pretty much moved out and the other who is letting strangers stay in her room.

The only issues I’d have is smoking in the house. And strangers in my space, are there any shared areas i.e. kitchen/lounges?

I think it's just one person. She's letting strangers stay in her room because she isn't there.

 

[Hikergirl]

What I can say is I have never justified making accusations that someone is doing something illegal when I don't believe that they are.

So you have lied in order to get what you want? OK then, enough said.

 

[Allison]

So you have lied in order to get what you want? OK then, enough said.

That's not what I said. I'm not going further with this because now you just want to start making jabs. I'm not going to engage.

 

[mjkacmom]

Thanks for all the replies.
We live in student housing in the sense that it was built for students--individual rooms with private baths and they lease by the room not the unit, but it isn't affiliated with the university.
I agree with people saying not to gang up on her, and that's mostly why we haven't all talked to her at once yet besides the fact she's never home.
We know she's broken our lease by having drugs, and she's broken her boyfriend lease because it specifically says you can't have visitors for more than 7 consecutive nights, preventing people from living with you that are not on the lease. But we would never go as far as to have her evicted.
I understand she's an adult and can make her own choices, but at the end of the day we're all mainly upset she basically threw us away once she got a boyfriend

Who cares if she’s broken her boyfriend’s lease, it’s none of your business. You are adults, if she wants to spend a lot of time with him, she can. You say you are all so close, you’ve know each other for two years, people change, you will graduate and move on. I have a special relationship with many high school friends and college friends, friendships lasting up to 40 years. Two years is nothing.

If she’s not smoking pot at the house, or lending out her key, let her be. I know DH and his friends smoked their fair share of pot in college, all turned out to be very successful adults, great careers, loving families (high school principal, attorney, large business owner, director in financial services...). DH and I dated for over 5 years before getting married, spend most nights at either my apartment (no roommate) or his (two roommates).

 

[Hikergirl]

That's not what I said. I'm not going further with this because now you just want to start making jabs. I'm not going to engage.

I'm not the one taking jabs here, that would be you.
Fact is we have all told a lie at one time or another when the occasion may have called for it.
IMO it doesn't matter whether or not they are or aren't doing drugs in the roommates room, the OP doesn't need to know, all she needs to do is say she suspects they are. If they aren't no harm no foul and the roommate gets straightened out. If they are, then all the better for OP and her other roommates.

 

[lifesavacation]

And this is part of the problem we have in the world these days. Justification of lying to do what you have to do.

I agree.

The truth should always be good enough.

 

[kimmar067]

I don't think legally you can change the locks if the person is still legally on the lease and is paying rent....

....good point....IS she still paying her fair share? Rent? Utilities? Phone[if it applies]?

 

[Chuck S]

I hate to say it but I would get the locks changed ASAP and not give her a key. If she is falling in with a bad crowd she or any of her friends could try to come in and steal money or other things.

Unfortunately, as long as she is paying rent...and if her name is on the lease...you'd have to give her at least a 30 day written notice, and you may have to go through your landlord, depending upon what state you are in. Changing the locks could cost you a wrongful eviction lawsuit. I would check with your landlord to see what is legally required. I have rental properties, and procedures have to be followed.

 

[Gorechick]

Shouldn't there be something in the lease about who is legally allowed to stay there? Just because she is paying her share doesn't mean other people can legally occupy her room.

 

[EveDallas]

Who cares if she’s broken her boyfriend’s lease, it’s none of your business. You are adults, if she wants to spend a lot of time with him, she can. You say you are all so close, you’ve know each other for two years, people change, you will graduate and move on. I have a special relationship with many high school friends and college friends, friendships lasting up to 40 years. Two years is nothing.

If she’s not smoking pot at the house, or lending out her key, let her be. I know DH and his friends smoked their fair share of pot in college, all turned out to be very successful adults, great careers, loving families (high school principal, attorney, large business owner, director in financial services...). DH and I dated for over 5 years before getting married, spend most nights at either my apartment (no roommate) or his (two roommates).

But she is lending out her key. The OP said she's letting people stay in her room while she's not there.

 

[disykat]

I'm sorry you lost your friend! Maybe someday you'l get her back. I had three different roommate situations that went south. Two of them became friends again later. (I had roommates from 17 until age 29 so I had lots of roommates over the years. My roommate problems were all post college and were friends I loved dearly. I know well how heartbreaking it can be!)

You were lucky so far in the roommate part because of it seems like she's been pretty compliant once confronted, but she has repeatedly broken the friend code. You don' t treat your friends that way. Smoking, giving keys to a stranger and telling them to use your home, inviting someone's younger sibling to do drugs with her - all wrong on so many levels. I hope she grows up, apologizes, fixes her behavior and you can be friendly again.

 

[mjkacmom]

But she is lending out her key. The OP said she's letting people stay in her room while she's not there.

And the OP said they confronted her and she isn’t going to do it anymore.

 

[kaytieeldr]

Smoking, giving keys to a stranger and telling them to use your home, inviting someone' younger sibling to do drugs with her - all wrong on so many levels.

I think it's interesting that when the (20-ish) roommate is using marijuana, it's referred to as smoking - but when an adult maybe two years younger than she is offered the opportunity, it converts to 'doing drugs.'

 

[EveDallas]

Also, if marijuana use is illegal where the OP is, just having it in the house could lead to trouble for all the roommates.

 

[ForMyBoys]

Hi OP, I’m sorry you are going through this. If you really are mostly sad about losing a friend then I’d recommend acting happy to see her next time she comes over. Let her know you miss her, ask if she’d want to go out for coffee or whatnot to catch up on life. From her point of view seems she made a few mistakes and as you noted she doesn’t like confrontation so she may be using her boyfriends place as an escape from all that. It is also hard if you don’t have good self esteem to be in a living situation with friends. I know people get feelings hurt if they feel certain people are closer friends and stuff like that. So you may not know exactly what she is feeling. She may indeed feel that everyone has ganged up on her.

It seems she did apologize for the smoking and stopped when asked. As for the brother thing, you didn’t say how she knew he was in town? Could it be that he reached out to her first?

Has she given her keys to anyone else after you and your roommates asked her not to? I’m reading all your replies and it seems while she won’t sit down and talk it out she has followed requests when she knows they bugged you and your roommates. If you agree, then I’d try letting it go and attempt to rekindle a friendship with her on positive terms.