Teen Girls and Dieting

[Lilacs4Me]

DD14 came to me the other day and told me she started a "diet" about a month ago. I tried to be very careful what I said to her...she is 5'8" and about 145-150 lbs (wears a size 8). I told her that while I don't think she needs to lose many, if any, pounds, it is always a good thing to make healthy choices with one's diet and fitness, so as long as she is doing it for the right reasons, I will support her and make sure there is always healthy food in the house and if she wants anything specific, let me know and I will buy it for her. We always keep fruit and veggies in the house anyway, and she knows how to make simple foods like hard-boiled eggs, etc. I did tell her that I will not buy processed "diet" foods...I've never bought them and honestly if I want something fat-free or low-carb, I will just make the choice to eat (or not eat) something that comes that way naturally.

I think she is really only looking to lose a few lbs and maybe go down a size...of course being her mom all I see is a beautiful young lady who has long legs and arms, beautiful shoulders and neck, and is perfectly proportioned! But I get that when she looks at the scale and sees the number it freaks her out a little because all of her (shorter) friends weigh less. And in reality - although I would never say this to her! - she could potentially lose 10 lbs, feel better about herself, and still be within a healthy weight for her height. I did tell her that if she went down past her min recommended weight for her height that we would be having another conversation, this time with her doctor. She said she wasn't trying to be super-skinny...just wanted to be more in shape now that she isn't doing her fall sport anymore and will have to wait until Feb until her spring sport starts.

Anyone else go through this with their teen daughter? How did you handle it?

 

[low-key]

its all about the boys, and thats ok for that age, just dont out any pressure on her. I got fat in Junior High, and the summer before I started High school I lost 50 lbs, I wanted to have the girls like me

 

[Lilacs4Me]

its all about the boys, and thats ok for that age, just dont out any pressure on her. I got fat in Junior High, and the summer before I started High school I lost 50 lbs, I wanted to have the girls like me

We did go through this with DS18 - he has always been in the solid 100th%-ile for weight AND height, and was a football D-lineman, so he would bulk up for the season the slim down a little after. This year, being his senior year and knowing he wasn't going to play in college because of his shoulders, literally the day after his last game, he started to drop weight...went from 215 to 170 by Christmas. But he was forcing himself to eat enough calories to stay at 215, so as soon as he stopped eating as much, the weight just slid off.

If only it were that easy for everyone....sigh.

I told him he was too skinny and he should stay at about 180. He said no...he liked seeing his 6-pack after 18 years of hiding it behind a protective layer of fat lol (HIS words, not mine!!) No pressure at all...I love my kids exactly the way they are!

 

[sonnyjane]

So long as she really is just trying to be in shape because she isn’t currently doing a sport... ok. Anything else makes me nervous so keep an eye on it. I actively had and eating disorder from 18 until probably 28 (both anorexianand bulimia) and still have relapses/slips every now and then at 34. Keep her accountable. Make sure she’s eating, and if she is eating, make sure she isn’t disappearing afterwards... good luck. Very tricky topic. Her stats for height and weight currently are spot on.

 

[mjkacmom]

I think it’s normal. I remember dd21 dieting a lot senior year for prom. She’s 5’4 and got down to about 120. She was miserable (she loves food and used to say she was enjoying her youthful fast metabolism without exercising while she could). She gained some weight in college, but it’s gone now, she’s doing Keto with some cheating, and now runs (because she no longer has her teenaged metabolism she got from her dad’s side of the family). Dd17 is very thin, but goes on short eating healthy kicks (not eating Nutella out of the jar in giant tablespoons). It usually only lasts a few days. My 3 youngest have been blessed with fast metabolisms, plus participate in lots of physical extracurricular activities that they love. Dd15 is 5’5” and 115, and this is the biggest she’s ever been.

Ds20 got cursed with my side’s metabolism, but he knows it. He was always 99th for height and weight. Always active with sports, but he was over 200 when he went off to college (6’1”). He has broad shoulders and long arms, so he never looked overweight, but definitely no 6 pack. He decided he wanted to be lean in college, ate super healthy and ran every day, got down to 170. He looked gaunt, I was worried. It all eventually evened out, he’s probably 185, not overweight, not skinny.

At 5’8”, my lowest weight was 125 and it only lasted a few days (I gained several pounds just on my honeymoon). I looked my best at 135, was 150 for most of my 30’s and 40’s, and am trying to get down to that weight again (I would be miserable trying to maintain 135 now). I try to get on the treadmill for at least an hour a day, and limit carbs and sugars.

I think most teens focus on weight, it’s one of the few things regarding how they look they can control, and there is a huge focus on how you look at that age. I’m so glad to be over that stage!

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I have a DD20 (and a DS20). And I am speaking generally here, as well as to OP.

I think this is a tough issue today in large part because of social media. Kids/people post their "best" pictures, and others compare themselves to what they're seeing online. We've discussed this a lot. It's not always reality, so they need to take those pictures with a grain of salt. (Let's see pics from when they get out of bed in the morning! Or without makeup, when someone else takes them - not from a selfie angle, etc.)

I think it is important, especially for someone who's an athlete and used to being toned, to eat healthily (as it is for everyone), especially in the off-season. But everyone, ideally, should maintain some type of physical exercise, too, so they feel at their best and burn off energy. Find something that you like to do that's active, and do it! It feels good both physically and mentally to stay active.

Eating patterns can worsen in high school and college. [This probably doesn't apply to your DD but] nothing feels worse than when clothes don't fit anymore, or seeing unflattering pictures of yourself after putting on weight. It can be a hard reality check. But the response should be aiming for health and fitness, not going nuts with crash dieting and exercising, only to gain weight later when you stop, or your metabolism gets whacked from going up and down all the time.

To some degree, it is natural to put on some weight at we age. The key is keeping it in balance. It sounds like your DD may just need some toning and to keep her diet healthy as much as possible, as well as finding other ways to value/increase her self-esteem, such as volunteerism or whatever. I think it's also important for kids, and maybe especially girls, to learn to be independent of others: finding ways to be happy on their own, as well as in a group, since there is so much pressure on them today with practically their whole lives broadcast online.

I think you're on the right track keeping healthy foods available and encouraging a varied diet at home. I do the same. From what I've seen, though, part of the problem here is what's available to eat outside, and when hanging with friends. A lot of the food available at restaurants that our young folks are eating is really high in calories, and often has very little nutritional value. This seems to be more of a problem as teens age and get their licenses, start going out more on their own with friends, having money to order out, etc. All of a sudden their eating fried Mac n Chees balls, loaded pizza, huge sandwiches, fancy drinks that are like a meal, etc. A regular diet like this will put on the poundage! I think you have an opportunity, while your DD is still 14, to talk about all these things now. Some of it will go in one ear and out the other, but some will sink in, too. It's an ongoing conversation, just like so many other conversations we have with our kids. Good luck!

 

[MaryLovesPoohBear]

I feel (and these are just my feelings, not backed by anything but me) that at that age, unless there is a significant health problem, no one should be "dieting." At this point in their lives, again, unless there is a significant health problem, they should simply be making or being taught to make, good food choices. Dieting should only come if a child is significantly overweight.

 

[Klayfish]

The word "diet" has a negative connotation, so that in itself is an issue. We don't sugar coat (pardon the pun) things with DD10. We talk to her, and our boys, about healthy food choices. Since DW and I are so into it, we try to be good role models. We also talk openly about the ramifications of making poor food and exercise choices (i.e. becoming "pooh" sized and the negatives that has) and how it may relate to their goals and interests. We never, ever tell our kids they need to fit into a certain size pants or shirt or anything like that. Nor do we focus completely on the number on the scale, because it's not the best indicator of health and nutrition (muscle is heavier than fat by far). It's about making smart choices. And yes, for kids, that does include some junk food. While healthy eating should be a foundation, IMO a kid should be allowed to enjoy junk food in proper moderation. It's some of the fun of being a kid.

 

[mamamary]

When my dd got home from her first year of college last month I noticed right away that she gained weight. She had to go to the doctors for a physical and she was pretty shocked that she gained 20 lbs! She was pretty skinny to begin with and I could see the weight gain but she couldn't. I had to tread very lightly to ask how she gained it. Seems like she was eating a lot of junk food/eating at odd hours, etc. She joined a gym after that and I'm just sort of staying out of it. I'm usually one to buy snacks to keep in the house but I am trying not to do so.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I feel (and these are just my feelings, not backed by anything but me) that at that age, unless there is a significant health problem, no one should be "dieting." At this point in their lives, again, unless there is a significant health problem, they should simply be making or being taught to make, good food choices. Dieting should only come if a child is significantly overweight.

While I agree with the premise, I just think it's hard to get a high schooler not to if that's what she wants to do. It's everywhere!

 

[Lilacs4Me]

While I agree with the premise, I just think it's hard to get a high schooler not to if that's what she wants to do. It's everywhere!

Oh, same here. I remember being in HS and at DD14's age (freshman year) I was 5'7" and weighed about 117 lbs - WAY too skinny. But it wasn't about dieting then...sadly, my parents weren't the best about cooking or making sure we had food in the house to eat (other than huge frozen family packs of chicken for weekend dinners lol) and they never bought lunch food, so I really only ate one meal a day, if that, when I was that age. I wasn't even in the healthy range for my height, so once I had a job and a car, I tried to gain weight, then of course gained too much and tried to lose it..it wasn't so hard to do that back then! I ended HS at about 140 and honestly that has been the best I've looked and felt my whole life. At the time, i thought I was fat. I look back at my size 6 self now, and wonder what was I thinking!!??

I would love for DD14 to have a better sense of what she looks like now, but I think that it's just one of those things that every generation of teen girls experiences. We have spent her whole life emphasizing importance of character, talents, effort, and accomplishments over looks...and she still cares. I think most girls (and boys) at this age do.

 

[Lilacs4Me]

The word "diet" has a negative connotation, so that in itself is an issue. We don't sugar coat (pardon the pun) things with DD10. We talk to her, and our boys, about healthy food choices. Since DW and I are so into it, we try to be good role models. We also talk openly about the ramifications of making poor food and exercise choices (i.e. becoming "pooh" sized and the negatives that has) and how it may relate to their goals and interests. We never, ever tell our kids they need to fit into a certain size pants or shirt or anything like that. Nor do we focus completely on the number on the scale, because it's not the best indicator of health and nutrition (muscle is heavier than fat by far). It's about making smart choices. And yes, for kids, that does include some junk food. While healthy eating should be a foundation, IMO a kid should be allowed to enjoy junk food in proper moderation. It's some of the fun of being a kid.

I agree.

I told DD14 when we talked that so much of it is about mindset - making healthy choices is NOT DIETING - it is a lifestyle that she has control over. And that something that helps me when I am craving junk food is to ask myself - do I want heartburn (or to feel yucky, or to gain weight, or my BP or blood sugar to go up...etc, etc, etc, obviously my middle-aged concerns are not exactly what she has to worry about yet, but I do want her to be aware that she will one day!) or do I *not* want one of these things to happen? Honestly, I told her, sometimes the answer is that I do want to eat the ice cream lol, but that it's always MY CHOICE and not because I am "dieting". And as long as I only eat that stuff in moderation - and listen to my body when it tells me I'm no longer hungry - I can have whatever I want and not feel like I am missing out on anything. Then I feel so much better when I eat healthy stuff that it really does make up for not eating as much junk food.

 

[mnrose]

Here's the thing. Some people have the genetic makeup to have anorexia and bulimia. And, you can't tell by looking at them. If they do "diet" and lose a few pounds, they can go from "I want to lose a few pounds" to it never being enough in a heartbeat. If they don't have the genetic makeup, nothing bad is going to happen. They will quickly resume eating a normal diet and all will be well. My daughter, unfortunately, had the wrong genetic makeup. She started by "losing a couple of pounds" (when honestly, she didn't need to lose any), and quickly dropped to the point where her BMI was sub 13 (which is rated as "extremely underweight"), with the heart function of an 80 year old man. It happened that fast. Less than two months. At the end, she was losing more than a pound a day. It was absolutely frightening. This two month "diet" took more than three YEARS of aggressive treatment to get her back to a place of health.

I wish like hell I'd have never ever ever let her "lose a couple" of pounds.

If I were you, I'd schedule a visit with her doctor to discuss (a) whether losing weight is even appropriate/necessary and (b) the proper way to do so. In teens, the answer is almost NEVER a restrictive calorie "diet" but rather switching what they eat and adding more exercise (within reason).

Note that this may never happen to your child, but please, I beg you to be vigilant. Have an agreement with her about what the goal is, and DO NOT let her keep moving that target in the downward direction.

 

[Lilacs4Me]

Here's the thing. Some people have the genetic makeup to have anorexia and bulimia. And, you can't tell by looking at them. If they do "diet" and lose a few pounds, they can go from "I want to lose a few pounds" to it never being enough in a heartbeat. If they don't have the genetic makeup, nothing bad is going to happen. They will quickly resume eating a normal diet and all will be well. My daughter, unfortunately, had the wrong genetic makeup. She started by "losing a couple of pounds" (when honestly, she didn't need to lose any), and quickly dropped to the point where her BMI was sub 13 (which is rated as "extremely underweight"), with the heart function of an 80 year old man. It happened that fast. Less than two months. At the end, she was losing more than a pound a day. It was absolutely frightening. This two month "diet" took more than three YEARS of aggressive treatment to get her back to a place of health.

I wish like hell I'd have never ever ever let her "lose a couple" of pounds.

If I were you, I'd schedule a visit with her doctor to discuss (a) whether losing weight is even appropriate/necessary and (b) the proper way to do so. In teens, the answer is almost NEVER a restrictive calorie "diet" but rather switching what they eat and adding more exercise (within reason).

Note that this may never happen to your child, but please, I beg you to be vigilant. Have an agreement with her about what the goal is, and DO NOT let her keep moving that target in the downward direction.

I'm so sorry that happened to your DD

MY SIL's both have had severe eating disorders, and still struggle with them in their mid-30's. DH's mother was not very nice to them about their weight and shape/size when they were kids - and she was the one feeding them!! I'll never understand her actions/reactions to her own daughters.

I will make sure I keep talking to DD and make sure she is Ok. Thank you for sharing your story. Her freshman physical is coming up...and her Dr. takes a very holistic approach to medicine. This will be a very good conversation to have with him.

 

[Christine]

OP, honestly, I think you handled it pretty well. I myself am pretty close to 5'8" and at 150 lbs, I'm starting to feel a little bit like things are going a tad too heavy. And I'm old. At her age, I'm sure she looks beautiful because youth can handle weight better than old ladies can. Also everyone has a different frame. My bone structure is pretty small and I've never been a muscular person so at 150, everything you see is fat. If she has a larger frame and a muscular build that could be just the perfect weight for her.

Having said that, with all the junk food and non-stop ads for junk, dining out, and the food temptations (not to mention Starbucks drinks!!), I don't think it hurts to learn how to be mindful of what you are eating. At her age and probably good metabolism, just some talks about good nutrition are probably enough and also to be mindful of portion size and "extras". She really does not need to "diet" but maybe just watch the "going crazy" stuff that teens tend to do.

It is much easier to maintain your weight throughout life if you don't go into adulthood overweight.