U.S. ASKS DELTA AIRLINES TO LOSE SUITCASE BOMBS
Domestic Airlines To Step Up Luggage Losing Program
At the request of the Department of Homeland Security, Delta Airlines today agreed to join in a program to eradicate Soviet-era suitcase bombs by losing as many of those bombs as possible in their luggage handling system.
The problem of the untracked suitcase bombs had been a nagging one for the U.S. until Delta agreed to lend its suitcase-losing expertise to the security effort.
Under the new program, Delta will lose up to 10,000 random pieces of luggage a day in the hopes that at least two or three out of the 10,000 will be Soviet-era suitcase bombs.
The lost luggage will then be transported to a landfill at an undisclosed location and abandoned forever, airline officials said.
If people come forward to try to locate their missing suitcase bombs, all we can say is, Good luck! a Delta spokesman said.
In Washington, Homeland Security chief Tom Ridge said that the U.S. had reached out to Delta to aid them in the luggage-losing program because, in his words, Theyre the best.
He added that other airlines would be doing their part in the anti-terror campaign, including retrofitting their aircraft to make them as inhospitable as possible to potential terrorists by adding such features as cramped coach sections, galleys that produce inedible food, and headsets that do not function.
In addition, Ridge said, the Disney Cruise Lines were being consulted for their expertise in spreading the so-called Norwalk virus aboard the nations commercial air fleets to make terrorists suffer severe gastrointestinal symptoms.
Its great to have everybody pitching in like this, Ridge said
****Borowitz Reports****
Domestic Airlines To Step Up Luggage Losing Program
At the request of the Department of Homeland Security, Delta Airlines today agreed to join in a program to eradicate Soviet-era suitcase bombs by losing as many of those bombs as possible in their luggage handling system.
The problem of the untracked suitcase bombs had been a nagging one for the U.S. until Delta agreed to lend its suitcase-losing expertise to the security effort.
Under the new program, Delta will lose up to 10,000 random pieces of luggage a day in the hopes that at least two or three out of the 10,000 will be Soviet-era suitcase bombs.
The lost luggage will then be transported to a landfill at an undisclosed location and abandoned forever, airline officials said.
If people come forward to try to locate their missing suitcase bombs, all we can say is, Good luck! a Delta spokesman said.
In Washington, Homeland Security chief Tom Ridge said that the U.S. had reached out to Delta to aid them in the luggage-losing program because, in his words, Theyre the best.
He added that other airlines would be doing their part in the anti-terror campaign, including retrofitting their aircraft to make them as inhospitable as possible to potential terrorists by adding such features as cramped coach sections, galleys that produce inedible food, and headsets that do not function.
In addition, Ridge said, the Disney Cruise Lines were being consulted for their expertise in spreading the so-called Norwalk virus aboard the nations commercial air fleets to make terrorists suffer severe gastrointestinal symptoms.
Its great to have everybody pitching in like this, Ridge said
****Borowitz Reports****
ROFL!!
