Dear Rodeo. I am sad for you and your children, but I am glad for your husband, that his suffering is over. You should be able to take great comfort in knowing that he was at peace and that you were his staunchest advocate till the end. Don't fret about anything that happened or that you weren't there when he actually passed; you were there at the more important times and that's very likely how he wanted it. That time of being there with someone right after they pass is also special. I also believe their spirit is still there and seeing and hearing what's going on, even at that time (and I always act accordingly, as well).
Look for signs in the coming days that his spirit may try to send to you to let you know he heard you. Don't let anyone tell you it's silly, because its not, and it can bring comfort when it occurs. I also believe he will be watching over you all and helping with things when he can from wherever he is. The reason I say this is because I lost my father over thirty years ago and some of the things that have happened in that regard for me and our family are really amazing. In retrospect they've often occurred at times that were special, or when I was in need.
Because many here have also shared some pretty profound experiences in their own lives to help you cope, in light of this thread, I will too. I hope it helps. I have many to choose from.
Once when I was newly diagnosed with cancer myself, I'd picked an oncologist and had my first appointment set up, but I kept having nagging thoughts that it didn't feel right, and I didn't know why. Having learned over the years to pay attention to these things, I started looking through the list of numerous other oncologists. One stood out to me. So I called to make an appointment with her. I was told on the phone she wasn't taking new patients and that was that, the girl on the phone wouldn't budge. I was left with a devastated feeling in the pit of my stomach for several days, and I couldn't shake it. So I decided to call back and try to plead my case again. (Which is a gift I'd gotten from my father - my tenacity.) This time I got a kind woman on the phone and explained to her that for some reason I felt I really needed to see this doctor, and asked if she would she ask the doctor if she'd see me, whatever appointment she had, I'd take, etc. I was on hold for a few minutes, but when she came back, she told me the doctor said yes, and we made my first appointment. I felt a big sense of relief about it, even though at the time, I was quite anxious in general, as a mother with young children dealing with an aggressive cancer that I'd never expected at that time in my life, etc.
So treatment started with her, and several weeks went by, when a cousin of mine on my father's side arranged a get-together for three of us in the family that had had cancer, as sort of a little support group. On that side of the family, I am the youngest, and one of the other cousins there was the oldest; he and I didn't know eachother as he was an adult when I was born. We certainly were never in touch and lived quite a distance apart. He'd had a very serious type of cancer and things hadn't looked good for him for a while. Yet, he'd made it through, and here he was sharing his experiences with me. So lo and behold, he mentioned who his oncologist was, and I nearly
- yup, guess who - the doctor I was seeing! That would be so like my father to push me towards something because he thought, or in this case, knew, it was best!
Feelings and intuition count here, so always pay attention!
Another. I was always a little sad that my father had never known my children. I did try to keep his memory alive with them, though, by taking about him and sharing stories and pictures, etc. I felt there was somehow a closeness there, but still, I often wondered if his spirit knew them. And just as often I got signs that he did. Once when our children were young, we'd taken them to Coney Island. I was standing in a particular spot and suddenly had a flashback to being there with my family when I was young. Right at that moment I saw a twinkle on the ground, and there was a dime - and upon further inspecation, a penny! - right where we were standing. You hear about pennies from heaven, and honestly I never gave them much thought, but coins often did show up for us at significant moments - a lot. Another time I remember was when I was putting my twins on the bus for kindergarten for the first time. Same thing, I looked down, and two coins were right where we were standing waiting for the bus! Not convinced? Yeah, to me, it was a little hokey too. So, we'll take it one step further! (Yikes, I might be here all day writing these stories!)
You know how state governments have those "lost money" websites? Well again, a cousin on my father's side of the family let me know that he saw my father's name on the website, and that I should check it out. So I did. But it was a royal PIA trying to actually get at whatever it was, as I had to confirm my father's address on it, and I didn't actually know what it was, as it was from long before he'd lived in the house that his family had for years that I knew. But I persevered and somehow managed to get at this lost thing. Well it finally came in the mail, and turns out it was a very old insurance policy that his mother - my grandmother (who I always felt was my own guardian angel and had never actually met) - had taken out on my father when he was just ten years old - in 1929! Seeing this actual policy application, which was handwritten by my grandmother so long ago in fountain pen and ink, I was just truly amazed! The dates were right there on it. And as I looked at it, I realized something: my own children were ten years old right then, as well!
How bizarre was that, that something like this, with these types of details, should happen right at that very time? Something that had started 79 years earlier! And sure, it came with a few bucks, but seeing my grandmother's handwriting and the synchronicity of the policy being taken out when my father was ten, and my own children being ten then, meant much more to me. Priceless, as they say.
One more, for us Disney lovers. I had gone to a medium, primarily for entertainment. I certainly didn't expect to get a reading that night, as I was in a crowd of 150 or so people. And I'd gone to see someone else, but he had a guest with him, and allowed her to do some readings, for fun, so what happened to me was super unexpected. But anyway, this lady started saying some things about a man spirit coming through - the first of the night! - that hit home with me, and she asked that if it had significance to anyone, that they should please stand up. Reluctantly, I stood up. She kept up, and asked people to keep standing if what she was saying meant anything. Lots of people sat down. Till there were just a couple of us standing. Then she got real specific. One thing in particular that she said really blew me away, and still does to this day. But more and more, she kept going. She mentioned at one point that this person was a veteran. The other person standing said her father was a Vietnam veteran. This lady said, no, this is WWII, I am seeing the planes. My father was WWII. Ten or fifteen minutes went by and she just kept hitting home with thing after thing she said. But here's where it gets better. She told me, and this was directed right at me, that I'd be going to Hawaii. I said, no, that wasn't possible; that I was going to FL, but not Hawaii. She was adamant that no, it was Hawaii, as "this spirit was showing her leis being put around our necks". Hmm. She said, well, idk what it means, but that she'd leave me with that. Ok. On the way home we stopped for an ice cream and a lady who was in front of me in line with a small child turned around and started talking to me. I was a little dazed, thinking about all that had just occurred, so I wasn't paying a ton of attention to what she was saying, when all of a sudden she blurts out the date of her grandaughter's birthday. The date she mentioned was my father's birth date, too, so that did get my attention. It was like icing on the cake that night; a verification of sorts, Hearing his birthday out of the blue in the midst of my wondering if what I'd just experienced could actually be real, and of the 365 days in the year, she picks that one...
So months went by, that reading was in April. We had a WDW trip scheduled for September. In August, I got a call from Disney that there was going to be construction at the Contemporary Resort, where we were booked, so they were moving us over to the Polynesian and upgrading us to "Concierge Level" (as it was called at the time). I was furious, as I really wanted to stay at the CR, it was my birthday and yada, yada, yada. But nope, we had to move, they told us. And they assured us we'd love it there. After that phone call, I plopped in a chair, pulled out my Unofficial Guide, and started reading and learning about the Polynesian (as we were still relatively new to Disney at that time). The first lines said something to the effect of, "Disney does a wonderful job of transporting their guests to the South Seas of Hawaii".
Whoa. Then I learned that the building we'd be staying in was named the Hawaii building. Whoa. Moments ago Hawaii had no significance to me, but suddenly, it did! I was pretty floored. And the day we arrived to the Hawaii building on a golf cart, a man and woman in Hawaiian shirts were standing outside with leis to put around our necks! I was actually crying! Because I knew somehow this experience related to my father - he'd told me about it through that medium. And a beautiful experience it was.
One of the best ever at Disney for us. And actually, it was just about the last totally carefree birthday I had because the next year, right around my birthday, I was diagnosed with cancer, so my life sort of changed after that, though every birthday I've had since is a gift.
I'm sorry this got so long-winded, I just wanted to try to show you, as a fellow mother, that even though your children's father is gone from this earth, I do believe spirits remain around us and will let us know that, often in very subtle ways, so teach your children to pay attention to these little happenings. It's not the same as his actually being there, obviously, but it should bring some comfort, and seeing the bigger picture means that his spirit is somewhere, and if that's so, that we can hope to meet up again in the future.
* If people think this is interesting and they want to learn more, there is a book called "When God Winks" that talks about how to recognize some of these things when they happen. Someone lent me the book during my cancer experience, and it was huge for me. If nothing else, it gets you thinking about it and helps open your mind to the possibilities, even if you aren't really sure what to believe.
Will be thinking about you and praying for your family over the next few days, Rodeo.
Thank you for sharing your story with us.
(And right now I am going to call my FIL to tell him about DS's game yesterday, cherishing the time he's got left and the fact that my kids have been fortunate enough to have one grandfather who loves them in their day to day lives. It's a beautiful gift we've all been given here on this thread as a reminder of just how precious every day is.
Love to all!)
Edit for grammar