Anyone there when someone passed away?

[CarolynU]

The day my husband died was 2 years ago this August. It was the most bizarre day ever. Instead of the usual peace of the hospice they were holding their Summer fete, so the grounds were full of people, noise, smells of a cook out, and Elvis Presley being played over a loud speaker.
I am certain that DH did not want my daughter Becky present when he actually died, because she told him that she was going outside to fetch him a chocolate cake (even though he was not awake or had eaten anything for days) and he chose that exact time to pass away. I was with her, and they sent a message for us to return quickly which we did, and maybe made it with seconds to spare or maybe didn't I'm not sure to be honest.
Anyway at least his pain and suffering was over, and at the end he had no quality of life left. The cancer had taken it all.
Becky still regrets leaving her dad, but I'm convinced it's what he wanted. I'm not so much haunted by how Roger left us as things I never said to him, and will never now get the chance. That eats me up.

 

[Torontogal]

I would love to know if any of you noticed a "detachment" from people from your loved ones. My father was very detached during the last weeks. For example, he appeared very withdrawn and would tell family to go home. He would also want all of the get well cards and gifts removed from his room.
I often wondered if this was a sign of dying and he was preparing for his after life.

 

[IMALOVNDISNEY]

My prayers are with everyone who has lost a loved one.....And extra prayers to those that struggle with their loss.

I was with both my parents as they passed.
With my Mother She had been in the hospital this last time for 8 1/2 months and on a vent. I was the only one of 5 children to be there.I truely believe this is what she wanted was for it to be only her and I. I am the youngest and we were inseperable. My Mother was a single parent and had sacraficed EVERYTHING for us. So, my last gift to her was to stay by her side as she passed. I never left her side for 4 days. Sadly my siblings didn't see it the same way. Now, 15 years later some of them say they feel guilty about not being there. I have never been haunted by her passing. I see it as being Blessed and it being an Honor to be able to hand her over to God and a new and better begining. The peacefullness that passed over my Mom's entire body at the time she passed was incredable.
My Father's passing was somewhat unexpected at the time it happened. He was up and talking to me just hours before. He closed his eyes to take a nap and slipped away quickly.

My Brother passed away 6 years ago. He was waiting for a liver transplant. The nurses told me to go home and get some proper sleep. I had been sleeping there for 3 days. We lived 3 1/2 hours away. I went home and within 3 hours of me being home I had gotten a call that he had taken a turn for the worse. (not expected). I attempted to get back to the hospital. I was not there when he passed away. No one was. He passed away alone. And that is something that bothers me everyday.

 

[zalansky]

I would love to know if any of you noticed a "detachment" from people from your loved ones. My father was very detached during the last weeks. For example, he appeared very withdrawn and would tell family to go home. He would also want all of the get well cards and gifts removed from his room.
I often wondered if this was a sign of dying and he was preparing for his after life.

Hospice told us many times that detachment is a sign of dying.

 

[hart6066]

I always visit this board to plan, never thought I'd come here to grieve. We'll bury my dad on Saturday. He passed away 3 weeks ago, and my mom let go of the traditional wake to give us all some time to grieve in private and prepare for a life celebration. I was there through it with my mom--my dad died of esphogial cancer cancer but it was the cancer in the lungs in the end that caused the end. I never knew death could be so hard--so sad, so non peaceful. We are spiritual and religious (Catholic) but I had thought a hospice death would be peaceful. Never thought my dad would be the Irish boxer with hands of steel up until the last hours. It haunts me a little, yet I don't want to bother my mom--keep telling her he didn't know what he was doing--we were the only two there. He called out for friends who had gone before--it was an amazing and humbling experience. I miss him so and wish he had suffered less. Somehow it helps tp know that we are not alone..funny how that gives you strength when you need it the most.

 

[justjudy]

My husband and I were there while my mother was taking her last breaths, but we didn't realize it at the time. She was ninety years old, suffering from dementia and in a nursing home recovering from surgery for a broken hip. I didn't want to consent to the surgery, but did it because of the immense amount of pain she was in. About ten days after the surgery we made our daily visit to her and noticed that, while she was looking in our direction, she seemed to be looking through us (beyond us?) at something else. We made our visit short, told her we loved her, she told us she loved us and we left. We had no sooner arrived home (a 5-minute drive) than we got a call from the nursing home telling us that she had passed.

 

[Eventer98]

Me, my dad, sister and my uncle were with my mom when she died. She was at home and Hospice had thought she would pass away that night. I remember hearing her crying and it woke me up. I went right in and she kept telling my dad she was scared to go and didn't want to leave him. My sister, uncle and I just sat at the end of the bed crying while my dad told her it was ok, God was waiting and they would see eachother again soon. He reminded her that time in heaven is instant and we would all be together before she knew it. I kept praying to God in my head to take her..I couldn't handle her crying and the surrealism of what was going on. It felt like someone else's bad dream...how could it be mine?? Finally she passed on. I immediately had to comfort my sister, who is 7 years younger and only 21 at the time. I never had time to grieve. My best friend was in the other room and took us down to the basement when the morgue came...I didn't want to see her being wheeled out.

Do I regret being there? Absolutely not. Was it hard? Yes. Do I still relive it sometimes? Yes. I think I will come to appreciate being there as more time passes. It will get better for you as it did for me..it just takes time.

 

[ssisson]

We lost my father April 12th, 2008. He and my mother had been on a cruise and we had to medivac him from Cozumel to the states. The hospital they took him to was in Miami. My mom was able to fly with him and all three siblings flew in from Missouri and met her at the hospital. My father was intubated on the cruise ship so we were not able to talk to him. He was only 59 and had pneumonia. I am a nurse and have assisted many families in having a peaceful passing. It is never the same when it is your own. After two weeks we made the painful choice to withdraw life support. We were around him and my mom layed across his chest when they took the vent off. We told him we would hold his hand until he took God's hand and this was going to be the most glorius embarkation he had ever been on. He was gone in 3 minutes. I had a thought at the time that it reminded me of when everyone was around coaching during one of the births of my children. It is indeed a blessing to be surrounded by the ones that love you as you enter your eternal life. I have subscribed to a grief support group called griefshare- they send out daily emails and is amazing how it applies to my life almost everyday.

 

[kymom99]

My dad died on Mother's Day this year at the age of 79. Five days later he and Mom would have celebrated their 55th Anniversary. He had congestive heart failure cause by a leaky mitral valve. Ironically, in 2007, he had both knees replaced and recovered very well from the 2 surgeries. In Feb. he was outside cleaning snow and ice off the driveway.
At first the doctors gave us hope that they could send him to another hospital where they might do a robotic valve repair. However, before they could transfer him, he took a turn for the worse, ending up in ICU on a ventilator, a dialysis machine, and more IV's than I could ever count. It was a nightmare. The doctors were all very shocked by how quickly he deteriorated.
We were all there when he died. Yes, it was peaceful, but we still talk about the uncertainty of whether or not we did things in the best way. Dad was unconscious for a few days while in ICU, which was a blessing because he would have been so uncomfortable. Then he had about a day and a half of clarity before his death, but he was unable to talk because of the vent tube. We were glad he knew we were there, but how do you tell someone that there is no hope?
When we were counselled by the doctors that he would not recover, we had to give permission to remove life supports. We did not remove the vent tube because we were afraid he would struggle to breathe and would panic. Now, we wonder if he would have been able to talk to us if we had done things differently.
It is impossible to describe what it is like to watch someone die. I felt a sense of relief because he went peacefully, and I got to tell him I love him, but it is so final.
It was comforting to see hundreds of people come to the funeral. My dad was a wonderful man and many people knew it.

May you all find comfort at these times of loss that you have shared.