"bedtime" for teens...

[shortbun]

I have a whole list of bad things that can happen to your teen who is sleep deprived. I'll post it a little later. We took our son to a sleep clinic because he's an insomniac AND has migraines.

 

[stepmommyof1]

Thanks you all.
His dad is glad that his son has a "mom" in his life now.....I swear he tells his son "just do what she says" and then he goes off to work. LOL. He gives me his opinion on these things, but then he says "whatever you think is fine, we'll do that".
Which is fine with me, because it means I rule the roost and I like that. lol.

It is not hard because I think we do not really have a "normal" steparent-stepchild relationship. Stepson is nice to me and actually listens to what I tell him (not *always* willingly, but he is 15, so I expect an attitude every once in a while, lol, but even after all his complaining and sulking, in the end he will do what he is supposed to do).

I think because he has never had a mom in his life before and he always wanted one, then he is more inclined to be nice to me. (Since he has no real mom, I'm "it" for him. I don't think he sees me as a "real" mom because I am too young to actually be his mom- I'm 11 years older than him- but I just mean that since he doesn't have a mom, I have no "competition").

Plus, I guess because I'm not that much older, we have fun together too, which is cool. We actually probably have more in common with eachother than I do with his dad. I mean don't get me wrong, his dad is the love of my life, obviously, or I wouldn't be with him, but his son and I like most of the same music and movies and we like to play Wii together and do stuff like that.

So about bedtime, his dad agrees that he needs to be told when to go to bed, but he's left it to me to decide when.
And then his statement to his son will probably be, "just go to bed whenever she tells you" LOL.
So I think I will see how his dad feels about taking the tv out of his bedroom. If my husband agrees with removing the tv, then my husband is going to be the one to actually remove it- I'm not going to take the fall for that one, because it won't be pretty lol.
But we'll start with the tv probably and see if that works, we can tell him that he can have it back later on.

I thought about your idea of having him read in bed till he's sleepy, but he hates to read and it's a struggle for him to read anyway. He gets frustrated with reading.
He has an IEP because of his reading and the school gives him the audio books (books on CD) for his school assignments, but he likes to be read to better. Which is something he would never tell anyone, but I think it's sweet that he likes when he's read to.
This is something he would NEVER admit to anyone, but he's asked me to read aloud to him sometimes, like if he has a book he has to read for English Literature, he and I will sit on the couch and I'll read out loud. He actually remembers a LOT when he HEARS the story, but he has way more trouble following a book if he's reading it himself.
I understand that because when I was in college, the Disability Services gave me audio books for all my course textbooks, (I didn't need them, my problems were in math, not reading) but even though I didn't really need them, I did find them helpful because I retained more information if I listened to the book while I read the book. So I understand the audio books being helpful for him.
Anyway I'm getting totally off subject but I guess what I'm thinking is taking the tv out and put in a book on CD for him to listen to as he goes to sleep.

 

[Carl Fredricksen]

I must be an old fuddy-duddy because my 14 year old still goes to bed at 9:00 per mine and DW's instructions. But she has to get up at 5:30 am to ride into work with DW in the morning. Because that is her usual cycle, she usually conks right out, but now you've got me thinking....

Now don't even get me started on the DS. He would stay up all night watching SportsCenter or playing Wii . It's like pulling teeth to get him in bed...

 

[mom2boys77]

Wow.... My 14 year old stopped having a bedtime probably about a year ago. He is usually asleep by 11 and up at 7 a.m. As long as he is on time for school, I'm fine with that. Now summertime is a whole different story especially if he has friends over

If he has aspirations beyond high school and wants to pursue a career, then he needs to get to bed earlier. If he just wants to 'get a job' after high-school, then he can just maintain the current track. It is up to him, but gosh, you have a lot of input at this point.
Please, continue with encouragement of an earlier bedtime. Nothing, and I mean nothing good, comes from staying up most of the night.

 

[mtemm]

I don't have teens so I can tell you what would make sense to me, but I don't have actual experience as a parent. my parents had us in bed at 9:30, no tvs (and no computers back then) in our room, but we could read until we were tired. it gave us a good time to wind down, and we were fairly reasonable with meeting our sleep needs. I will likely be the same with my kids when they are older, but time will tell. In your ss's case, I would say audio books instead of actual reading could be an option

Honestly I just have to say I feel a little sad for your stepson. It sounds like he doesn't have his mom in his life, and his own father doesn't want to parent him. Even if you are the best stepmom in the world, it still must hurt him a bit, even if he doesn't say it.

 

[Acklander]

To the OP, I know you want to do well, and it appears you've married into a ready made family, but the thing to remember is that the child in question is 15 years old. In 3 years (less than 36 months) he's going to be considered and adult,and responsible for himself. This is the time parents should start easing up and giving the chicks a little room to fly.
From the sounds of it, you're coming into the situation wanting to take control. With reading bedtime stories, wanting set bedtimes, removing TV's and so on. You're heading backwards, not forward. You want to encourage independence and decision making by the teen. While he (and his dad) seem to be going along with it at this time, I really don't think you're doing him any favors. Ease up a little, and you might be surprised.

 

[Disney1fan2002]

My DS will be starting HS in Spetember. When school gets out in June, I am planning on telling him he can set his own bedtime from now on. It will be on a trial basis, and if I find he is being mean to his younger brother and sister because he is "tired"..then we will have to look at it a little closer.

Right now, he is good at going to bed when he is tired, which is early some nights. His bedtime now is 9pm, but often, he is kissing me good night around 8:30pm.

 

[fimac]

Given what you said about him enjoying being read to. I would give him the chance to listen to audio books at bedtime. Itunes and other places have a good selection of audio books If he as an mp3 players he can download some books. I would suggest speakers with a sleep timer, but it is not essential.
It sounds like he is a night owl who has trouble unwinding. Does he have any suggestions on thing that help him relax ? I would talk to him and find out what he thinks would help him.

 

[allison443]

I agree with your post , except, he's not the only one dealing with his exhaustion. I deal with it too, because when he gets sick then I have to take care of him for a couple of weeks while he is sick (well, thats only happened once but that seems to be how he is in general according to his dad).
So his dad is busy at work and of course I will take care of my stick stepchild, I love him, I'm not going to leave him feeling sick and not help him, but saying "You're sick because you haven't been getting enough rest" doesn't seem to make any impression, which is why I think he needs to just go to bed.

He was sick for a couple of weeks (did he miss a couple weeks of school) due to lack of sleep? What kind of taking care did you have to do? Maybe there are other health issues here. I must be a bad parent along with every other parent I know, because unless it's something serioius, or a dr's visit, etc. most parents don't take off work for two weeks when their high schooler is sick. (I'm sorry if I'm misunderstanding your post.)

Does he do any physical activity? That might make him more tired and go to sleep earlier

 

[stepmommyof1]

Acklander,
I do not read bedtime stories LOL. What I said was that when he has books he has to read for English class I have read aloud to him because he has such a hard time with reading and he retains so much more info from hearing rather than reading. I do not read to him before he goes to sleep. I brought up hearing a book like that because it made me think that maybe he could be listening to a book on CD in bed and maybe that would make him fall asleep faster (rather than watching tv, which probably what is keeping him awake longer).
Also, as for "wanting to ste a bedtime", I don't really WANT to have to be all making rules and stuff. But I think his patterns here are ridiculous and he needs to go to bed earlier. If he was going to bed at a somewhat decent time (like midnight wouldn't be toooo bad) then I don't think I'd feel the need to step in and say anything, really. But when you're talking about not going to bed till like 4 am and then getting up at 7 or so and then going thru the day like a zombie, and repeating the process until you're out of school for 2 weeks because you're sick, then well yeah at that point I say if you're not going to do what's good for yourself, then the adults in your life have to step in.



Allison443,
Yeah he's pretty active. Mostly he just skateboards with his friends and does stuff outside with them, like play baksetball and stuff- nothing organized. The only organized sport he does is run track for his school team. He;s a fast runner.
So about when he was sick..
I'll be blunt here. Please, work? I don't have to work anymore so I don't. LOL. I do a lot of volunteer stuff and I'm on committees and junk like that, but no actual job. So I didn't have to take off work.
Yes he had to miss 2 weeks of school. First he had to go to Urgent care (dr was not open yet when he first got sick) then go to the drs twice in that two weeks.
It was really gross having to be around a sick person, I am sooo not gonna make it if I ever have a baby. I mean he just lay around and threw up and he refused to shower because he was so tired, but because he was getting night sweats, he started to smell gross. I was so glad when he felt better. I mean, because I care about him ,I was glad he felt better, but seriously sick people are not my thing.
When I say "take care of him", I just mean making him soup and toast and stuff like that, and doing all his nasty laundry, and cleaning out his trash can because he couldn't always make it to the bathroom to throw up. Ew.
Plus it was annoying because normally he is just, you know, a normal teenager, doesn't really want "parents" around too much, but we do play Wii and do stuff like that once in a while, but seriously when he is sick he turns into a big baby and I did not have one second to myself. I even had to cancel my nail appointment because my husband didn't want me to leave his son alone at home when he was sleeping. He is 15, we don't have any problem leaving him home alone, however we live in a city and my husband has this thing against anyone being home alone in an empty house if they're asleep. So because he was asleep hubby didn't want me to leave. It's dumb but whatever.

 

[Robindianne]

Stepmommyof1,

This is slightly OT but you sound like such a wonderful step mom! My son also has a wonderful step mom and it makes all the difference in the world. I know 15 is a hard age but you sound like you enjoy him as a person and care about him and don't resent his existence like my own stepmother did me and my sibs (she was young and really hated that we were in our dad's life).

Whatever you decide about bedtime or anything else, if you stay as warm to him as you sound (eg: talking about him here like he matters to you must show at home too), you will all be just fine.

Just sayin' He's lucky to have you in his life. I recently told my son's step mom I couldn't have hand picked a better bonus mom for my son to have in his life and your tone reminds me of what I love about her.

All the best to you and your family. YOu truly sound like a bonus mom, not a step.

Acklander,
I do not read bedtime stories LOL. What I said was that when he has books he has to read for English class I have read aloud to him because he has such a hard time with reading and he retains so much more info from hearing rather than reading. I do not read to him before he goes to sleep. I brought up hearing a book like that because it made me think that maybe he could be listening to a book on CD in bed and maybe that would make him fall asleep faster (rather than watching tv, which probably what is keeping him awake longer).
Also, as for "wanting to ste a bedtime", I don't really WANT to have to be all making rules and stuff. But I think his patterns here are ridiculous and he needs to go to bed earlier. If he was going to bed at a somewhat decent time (like midnight wouldn't be toooo bad) then I don't think I'd feel the need to step in and say anything, really. But when you're talking about not going to bed till like 4 am and then getting up at 7 or so and then going thru the day like a zombie, and repeating the process until you're out of school for 2 weeks because you're sick, then well yeah at that point I say if you're not going to do what's good for yourself, then the adults in your life have to step in.



Allison443,
Yeah he's pretty active. Mostly he just skateboards with his friends and does stuff outside with them, like play baksetball and stuff- nothing organized. The only organized sport he does is run track for his school team. He;s a fast runner.
So about when he was sick..
I'll be blunt here. Please, work? I don't have to work anymore so I don't. LOL. I do a lot of volunteer stuff and I'm on committees and junk like that, but no actual job. So I didn't have to take off work.
Yes he had to miss 2 weeks of school. First he had to go to Urgent care (dr was not open yet when he first got sick) then go to the drs twice in that two weeks.
It was really gross having to be around a sick person, I am sooo not gonna make it if I ever have a baby. I mean he just lay around and threw up and he refused to shower because he was so tired, but because he was getting night sweats, he started to smell gross. I was so glad when he felt better. I mean, because I care about him ,I was glad he felt better, but seriously sick people are not my thing.
When I say "take care of him", I just mean making him soup and toast and stuff like that, and doing all his nasty laundry, and cleaning out his trash can because he couldn't always make it to the bathroom to throw up. Ew.
Plus it was annoying because normally he is just, you know, a normal teenager, doesn't really want "parents" around too much, but we do play Wii and do stuff like that once in a while, but seriously when he is sick he turns into a big baby and I did not have one second to myself. I even had to cancel my nail appointment because my husband didn't want me to leave his son alone at home when he was sleeping. He is 15, we don't have any problem leaving him home alone, however we live in a city and my husband has this thing against anyone being home alone in an empty house if they're asleep. So because he was asleep hubby didn't want me to leave. It's dumb but whatever.

 

[My sister's princess]

Acklander,
I do not read bedtime stories LOL. What I said was that when he has books he has to read for English class I have read aloud to him because he has such a hard time with reading and he retains so much more info from hearing rather than reading. I do not read to him before he goes to sleep. I brought up hearing a book like that because it made me think that maybe he could be listening to a book on CD in bed and maybe that would make him fall asleep faster (rather than watching tv, which probably what is keeping him awake longer).
Also, as for "wanting to ste a bedtime", I don't really WANT to have to be all making rules and stuff. But I think his patterns here are ridiculous and he needs to go to bed earlier. If he was going to bed at a somewhat decent time (like midnight wouldn't be toooo bad) then I don't think I'd feel the need to step in and say anything, really. But when you're talking about not going to bed till like 4 am and then getting up at 7 or so and then going thru the day like a zombie, and repeating the process until you're out of school for 2 weeks because you're sick, then well yeah at that point I say if you're not going to do what's good for yourself, then the adults in your life have to step in.



Allison443,
Yeah he's pretty active. Mostly he just skateboards with his friends and does stuff outside with them, like play baksetball and stuff- nothing organized. The only organized sport he does is run track for his school team. He;s a fast runner.
So about when he was sick..
I'll be blunt here. Please, work? I don't have to work anymore so I don't. LOL. I do a lot of volunteer stuff and I'm on committees and junk like that, but no actual job. So I didn't have to take off work.
Yes he had to miss 2 weeks of school. First he had to go to Urgent care (dr was not open yet when he first got sick) then go to the drs twice in that two weeks.
It was really gross having to be around a sick person, I am sooo not gonna make it if I ever have a baby. I mean he just lay around and threw up and he refused to shower because he was so tired, but because he was getting night sweats, he started to smell gross. I was so glad when he felt better. I mean, because I care about him ,I was glad he felt better, but seriously sick people are not my thing.
When I say "take care of him", I just mean making him soup and toast and stuff like that, and doing all his nasty laundry, and cleaning out his trash can because he couldn't always make it to the bathroom to throw up. Ew.
Plus it was annoying because normally he is just, you know, a normal teenager, doesn't really want "parents" around too much, but we do play Wii and do stuff like that once in a while, but seriously when he is sick he turns into a big baby and I did not have one second to myself. I even had to cancel my nail appointment because my husband didn't want me to leave his son alone at home when he was sleeping. He is 15, we don't have any problem leaving him home alone, however we live in a city and my husband has this thing against anyone being home alone in an empty house if they're asleep. So because he was asleep hubby didn't want me to leave. It's dumb but whatever.

I see you joined here not too long ago, I know some boards people strive to be snarky, but here on the DIS we try to be respectful of each other .... Please think about statements like this one. There are many people on these boards who work very hard for everything they have, and there are many people who would love to work, but can't find the work.

 

[stepmommyof1]

to My sisters princess,

I'm sorry if it sounded snarky, because it really wasn't meant to be.
If I had to get a job, then I would appreciate having a job, because I know they're hard to come by right now.
But since I don't need to work right now, I'm glad I don't have to, because quite frankly I don't think I'm qualified for anything in particular. lol.


to Robindianne,

awww thanks Here's my opinion, I love my husband, and if he has a son then how can I not love his son? His son is like half of him right?
Plus, it's sooooo much better having a teenager than a baby, lol. I might like to have a baby someday but, right now....well, with a stepchild, I get to have a kid without all the unpleasantness of stretch marks, weight gain, birth, diaper changing, etc. haha

 

[snapppyd]

 

[perdidochas]

our son (okay, well he's my stepson) like never goes to bed. he will stay up all night if you let him. i know that's normal for a 15 yr old, i mean i was 15 in 2000 so im not that old, i remember what it was like to be a teenager.

we thought since he is 15 he should be able to go to bed when he thinks he needs to, so we tried telling him that now that he has started high school, he can be responsible for deciding when he needs to go to bed because he knows he needs sleep in order to get up for school and everything.

okay so that was a while ago.

but he just stayed up most of the night, every night. he'd sleep a little bit in the early morning hours and then get up for school. he was always up on time and was never late for school (which was good, at least), BUT he would be so exhausted that he seemed like a zombie.
i thought at some point he'd realize, bad idea, and change. you can only hope they learn from their mistakes.

nope.
he just kept on that way (only sleeping a few hours in the early morning before school) until finally he got realllyyy sick (and im sure it was lack of rest).
and that still did not make him go to bed earlier.

so, eventually his dad and i talked and decided that won't work, from now on you are going to have to go to bed when we tell you to, because obviously you are not making responsible choices for yourself.

now we have to decide when that should be. i think 10:30 is perfectly reasonable for school days/church days.

my husband said, "whatever you think is fine, dear" LOL

stepson says 10:30 is wayyy too early. i know each kid is different, you might say well maybe he doesn't need a lot of sleep, but the thing is he obviously does or he wouldn't act like a zombie and then get a long sickness.


am i being out of touch, is that too early? when do your kids go to bed for high school?

(the way i figured on 10:30 is that i read teens need 9 hours of sleep, so i just counted backward from when he needs to get up and get ready for school.)

I admire you for your patience. I would have allowed one zombie day at school, and it would have ended. 10:30 is a reasonable bedtime on school nights. Don't think I'd require it on church nights (i.e. Saturday night), but I would still expect DS's to go to church even if they had no sleep.

Is he up late on the computer, the video game, the phone?

 

[luvmy3]

You guys know this thread is 9 months old right?

 

[perdidochas]

Not everyone needs or wants 8 hours.

Well, if the OPs DS was a walking zombie, obviously he needed more sleep. Most teenagers physiologically need at least 8 hrs of sleep--10 would probably be better.

 

[perdidochas]

I think at 15 he probably knows when he's tired. If he doesn't get enough sleep and spends the next day tired, he'll go to bed earlier. This is just like the "if you're cold-put on a coat or suffer the consequences" threads.

If he doesn't get enough sleep, he'll suffer the consequences.

He already suffered the consequences. He's shown himself to be irresponsible, and needs some structure.

 

[PrincessKsMom]

My DD15 goes to bed at 11. If there is something on TV that she wants to watch that ends later, that's fine, but a normal bedtime is 11 p.m. Unfortunately I can't sleep unless everyone else is in bed, so I make the rules. On the weekends, she can stay up until whatever time she wants. However, I will say that on weekends, she's still usually asleep by midnight or 1 a.m. at the latest. She does sleep until 10-11 a.m. the next morning, but that's okay with me. She does need sleep.

 

[perdidochas]

I read a study recently that when kids hit their teen years, their sleeping schedule shifts. They naturally won't get tired til later, and will sleep later. The study was talking about how moving the high school start time back an hour decreases tardies and truency. So his changing sleep schedule is biological. Something to think about!

I don't buy the biological part of that. Over history, this has not been allowed. I think TV and electric lights have warped our sleep system.