Diane's Journal to a Happier/Healthier me...encouragement welcome!

[Amy&Dan]

Diane, I am proud of you for admitting you binge eat. You are not alone in this, I too have struggled with this since I was a little girl. We try to fill the voids we have with food and it becomes a habit.

I hope things are going well for you. I really miss seeing you around here. Keep us posted, hang in there and know that you can be a success at anything you pursue! I believe in you, so believe in you too!

Your trip is so close!

 

[Goofydiane]

it's been a long time since I posted regarding my journey, there have been ups and downs over the past 8 weeks.

Some of the ups -
My Trip to Disney World was fabulous! The only downer of the trip was the record heat/heat index for that time of year. The temperature really shouldn't be 90-95 every day during October! Mom and I had a great time and I think she enjoyed the trip more than I did. Most likely because she knows this might be the last time she goes. She's not sick or anything, but my dad has no interest in going to Disney World and she realized on this trip that she is getting older and it was harder for her to get around. She had a great trip and really enjoyed the Food/Wine festival.

I realized over the summer that I binge eat or have eating issues, I wasn't sure what the issue was, and I was determined to work on it. I did some reading and researching and have found a support group for my issue. I'm learning that my issues with food are a disease, like an alcoholic who can't stop drinking, I can't control my eating and there are support groups for me and a 12 step program for me to work. I am not alone in my journey and by acknowledging and admitting that I am powerless over food and my life has become unmanageable, I have opened myself up to learn about this disease and work towards recovery. I'm still a long way off, I'm learning every day just how hard this process is. All I can do is take it 1 day at a time.

One of the tools is writing and I realized that I miss my writing and that I hadn't always been honest in my writing. I am learning that I need to be completely honest and that anything I say to anyone in my support group is confidential and is not judged. That is the most important thing to me, I hate the feelings of inadequacy that I have and that I am a failure for not being able to control my eating. I am learning that really all I have is the illusion of control.

I'm going to start making it part of my program to write in this journal as often as possible. I started this journal looking for encouragement and it was discouraging when I only had a few people comment and provide that encouragement I was looking for. I need to be writing this for me and to move me along my path to recovery and accept the encouragement from those that take the time to comment; those comments and positive thoughts mean more than I can explain. thank you for being there for me, I've missed being here.

Work is still a struggle as I haven't gotten any help and I feel like I keep getting more and more placed on me with no relief in sight. I've started networking and reaching out to other departments and companies to see what is available for me. I know that my work hours are part of the contributing factors to my illness.

I've shared very little of what I'm going through with friends, I'm not ready to talk about it all when I am still learning about my disease and recovery; this journal, my sponsor and members of my support group and my outlet and who I can share my experiences with.

I'm focusing my life to living it one day at a time and not to look ahead, I can focus on today and affect today and then work on tomorrow, tomorrow.

 

[DisDee]

Diane, Its so good to hear from you again! I'm glad that you and your mom had such a nice trip.

You're very lucky to have found a program for your eating issues and that you're able to identify what you need to do. You really are an inspiration given the fact that you were able to lose so much weight. I've always said that weight loss and all the issues involved with it starts as a mental goal then becomes physical. When the 2 come together its a beautiful thing!

I understand what you are saying about so few people posting on your journal. I too, felt the same way at times, but you are right-it has to be for you and if others give you support, all the better.

Please continue to post and know that I'll be here for you.

 

[Goofydiane]

Thanks Denise. It was nice to write again as well.

Today was a big struggle. I just wasn't in the mood to go to work today - I have had to work a ton of weekends lately and I feel like I get no down time and then every now and then I just need a 'me day'. My calendar was pretty open today so I just called and took the day off. Of course, things came up and I ended up working about 6 hours tonight, isn't that always the case.

Food was terrible today, while I didn't each much, I ate nothing healthy. I had some french fries, cookies and poptarts. I hate that I can so easily make the decisions I make...it is just easier to run to the gas station to grab something than it is to go to the grocery store.

I've slept a lot of the day, so hopefully tomorrow I will feel more refreshed. I have a meeting right at 8:00am and they are bringing in breakfast pizza. I know that can't be too healthy for me, so I am working on putting together my food plan for tomorrow right now so I can have it ready and will bring my own healthy food to the meeting.

Tomorrow is another day and I can't change the decisions I made today, now I can focus on making better decisions tomorrow.

 

[toystoryduo]

Hi Diane,

I've seen your posts on Amy's journal and wanted to stop by and say hello.

I am proud of you for finding a program that will help you. I have eating issues too. I am a major emotional eater. It's something I do struggle with often. I like what you said about focusing on living your life one day at a time. It can be a real blessing to live in the present and to let all of the what ifs and should have/could haves fall away.

I know that it can be discouraging when few people are posting in your journal. Just keep on writing these posts for you and we'll stop by with encouragement and support.

I look forward to following your journey. Have a nice day today!

 

[Amy&Dan]

Diane,

I am so happy to see you back on Wish, I have really missed you and worried about you since you left.

I think its great you found a support group, I think that may be a huge help to you. Its a huge step and takes a lot of courage! I am proud of you and know you can do this and you have always inspired me.

The only way to have a lot of people be on your journal is to visit theirs which can be very time consuming. But with Tracy here (toystoryduo) now that is great, that girl is a trooper and stays with my journal even when I don't! We are here for you and know that you can do this. You are one of the strongest people I know and you have come so far. I look forward to being with you in this next phase!

I am so glad you had fun in WDW. That is such a shame it was so hot there. If that was truly your last trip to WDW with your mom, I am so glad it worked out for you to go. Did you stay at CSR? We are supposedly staying there in March.

Keep up the good work!

I am in Disneyland right now, and thought about you when I walked by Club 33 yesterday! I told my daughter, "I know someone who went there!" She was impressed.

 

[Goofydiane]

Thanks Tracy for the first visit and Amy, thanks for posting from Disneyland! I have a friend who is at the park all the time, I should have you look her up and say hello to her for me. How long are you at the parks for?

Yesterday I worked with my support sponsor on identifying foods that trigger me to overeat and the goal was to abstain from these food for the day. I was able to abstain from these foods today and it felt great! I'm really working on living my life one day at a time and focusing on that specific day, it is all I can worry about, tomorrow will come soon enough and I will worry about tomorrow then. When my mind works this way, it is extremely freeing.

I got to the gym yesterday and Tim said I had to go sign up for the energizer bunny challenge....to me that sounded like a running race, I did a 5K in September, but I don't run outside in MN after October 1! I go find out that it is just about wearing a pedometer for 7 days straight. I can do that. The test is that I can't look at the number for the entire 7 days. I get a gift from Energizer for participating...I'm sure I'll get batteries or something. I am so thankful for my sessions with Tim, he knows about the support group and understands it is a physical, emotional and spiritual program and is happy I'm working my way to recovery.

I'm focusing on learning what happy is for me, I am learning that I'm not sure if I have ever been truly happy. Have I been had joy and experienced good times...of course, but to really let loose and show emotion and not expect the other shoe to drop and ruin what every good feeling I have going...nope, I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Amy, Tracy and Denise, it means so much to me to have you give words of encouragement and talk about strength, I don't always feel it within myself and it means so much for others to see it. Thank you.

 

[toystoryduo]

Great job, Diane! I really like how you are focusing on one day at a time. I need to start doing that myself.

I hope you have a wonderful day today! Think of today as "Friday Eve"!

 

[Goofydiane]

had some journal completed this morning and my computer froze up....argh!

While it has only been a couple days back here, I really like the journal and writing things down, or typing them out as this is. It helps with the healing and recovery.

Yesterday was a tough day emotionally at work. One of my friends that I have worked with for years had her last day yesterday. Her job was eliminated back in January and she was part of a transition team and was extended through October. I'm so happy for her to start her next chapter, but sad to see her leave.

I didn't use this as a reason to choose poor food and I'm proud for that. My workout was tough....I told my trainer I wanted to hit - he set something up that has me hitting the punching bag 1,250 times and then jump roping 1,250 jumps. I was like a 5 year old with the jump rope, I couldn't figure out how to do jump more than 10-20 jumps in a row. Thankfully I only had to jump in runs of 50, but it was really tough and my shoulders were really tired when we were done.

I like having the list of food that I'm choosing to abstain from, it is a nice first step it working my food plan.

Happy Halloween everyone!

 

[Amy&Dan]

You know, that is an approach I hadn't thought about: listing foods to avoid. I am always of the mindset of "I need to eat more of this and that and drink this much water" but never "I just can't eat this". Seems a bit simpler and to the point! So I need to come up with my own list. Which will be about 500 pages long!

I am sorry about your co worker, that's got to be tough given how long you have worked together.

I think that energizer challenge sounds great, you will be proud of how much you have moved I am sure!

Keep up the good work. A work in progress is a sign of progress. You are doing well and yes, you are strong!

 

[Goofydiane]

Thanks Amy! I hope you had a great trip!!!

I was talking to my sponsor this morning and listing things that I thought I should be doing and struggles that I went through while at the same time telling her that when I started feeling a certain way, I went and started reading literature. I explained that I had this thought that when I went to a meeting and admitted I was powerless over food and my life had become unmanageable, that the skies would open, this great beam of light would shine on me and that I would be recovered from being a compulsive eater. The best part - she didn't laugh at me, she said...yep, I've been there and I've done that. It is so nice to know that I'm not alone in this and that I'm not the only one with crazy thoughts.

Did the sky open up....nope
Did this great beam of light shine on me.....nope
Am I suddenly recovered....nope
Am I giving up....NOPE This is a new way of living for me.

I've expanded my list of foods to abstain from, to really following my food plan and eating 3 meals a day with a snack in the afternoon. It was nice today to be able to walk past all the extra halloween candy in the office and say...nope, it isn't time for a meal and I don't need or want that.

Do I still want to be in control....yep, but as someone said to me, all I want is the illusion of control; I can only control the decisions I make and I can ask for guidance multiple times during the day for assistance.

Today was a good day and when I wake up tomorrow I'll work to make the same choices I made today.

 

[Amy&Dan]

Diane, I am so proud of you! Your attitude with your support group is really something. You have just the right amount of hope, dedication and realism to make this successful, I just know it!

I know today will be another good day for you. And I am so glad you have Tim to help support you with this and keep you motivated with your exercise. And of course, you have YOU, and I know that you are one strong lady who can do this.

 

[Goofydiane]

I'm still laughing a bit about wanting that beam of light to break through the sky and save my from myself. Interestingly I had a really weird dream 2 nights ago and while I won't explain the whole dream, I think a big portion of the dream was about trust and that you need to trust, sometimes in things you cannot see or understand for your life to be happy. I've never been that spiritual and this is where I struggle the most in my journey.

I thought about that all during the day and then last night prior to my workout I had been getting emotional with myself based on some decisions I made during the day and had started crying internally about how I want to change and this isn't easy. Well Tim made a comment about something and I just took it a way he hadn't intended and the dams opened up and there I am in the middle of a gym (a full gym too!) having an emotional episode. I usually don't show my emotions in public, and I tried to hold it back and I wasn't able to. It felt good when I was done, and as I look back, I chuckle that here I am lying on a bench lifting weights and tears rolling down my face at the same time - for anyone who saw me, it must have looked like Tim was either Bob or Jillian and he was doing everything to break me. This gave me a lot more clarity though - one of my comments was that I have lived with this addiction for 46 years and I just don't cure myself of it in 7 days. I don't want to be this way, I want to get healthy, I need to learn how to trust myself and others. After that episode I felt a lot lighter than I have recently - maybe I need to show emotion more often.

Tonight we are doing a leg workout and any crying there will be from the sprints that he is going to make me run!

I feel so much better today and had another weird dream last night, wish I knew why my mind is getting so elaborate overnight. I don't remember this one as much other than I was a cast member on General Hospital? With this dream I'm just letting it go and saying, it was a dream, let it go and continue on with your day.

 

[Amy&Dan]

Diane, I think dreams are just a creative way God tells us what we need to know!

As soon as you said you were crying in the gym with Tim, I thought about Bob and Jillian and Biggest Loser. Weight and obesity are mostly emotional and most everytime, with the women in particular, you see somebody just have their dam break in the BL gym! So you are on the right track.

Keep on doing what you are doing, you are just peeling back the layers and learning so much and getting so much closer to making this happen!

 

[toystoryduo]

Sending a your way. I know that I hold things in sometimes and after the emotion comes pouring out, I feel much better. I hope you're feeling better today, Diane.

You are doing a great job with your workouts! Keep up the good work!

Thank you for the reminder to stay focused on the present. That does help a lot.

I hope you have a wonderful day!

 

[toystoryduo]

Happy Thanksgiving, Diane!

 

[Amy&Dan]

Diane, I hope things are going well and that you had a nice Thanksgiving. I miss you around here, come back soon!

 

[Goofydiane]

it's been a busy month for me....I keep forgetting that retail sucks this time of year! While I don't work in the stores, it seems like everyone wants to start planning next year now and there just aren't enough hours in a day.

I've missed being on line, however I've done a lot and have a lot of good things to update.

First - I've been following my food plan for 24 days. That is 3 meals a day, 0 snacking in between and taking it 1 day at a time. It isn't always easy, but I am learning that there are powers greater than myself that I can turn things over to. I haven't had any sugary snacks, treats, desserts, etc., or junk food and I feel really good! It is amazing just how much different you feel when you start cleaning all the junk out of your body. Not only do I feel physically better, I'm starting to feel the spiritual and emotional healing as well. I feel like I am an onion and I keep peeling the layers back to see what I find and then work through what I find underneath the layer. It is a lot of work and while it has been going well, the past few days I've started struggling and fighting the demons of my addiction to food again and it seems to be more of a battle each and every day to keep to my food plan and work on my recovery. I'm learning what some of my triggers are to food binges and am learning how to get past those triggers without binging. I'm just beginning a very long journey and for the first time in my life, I think I'm getting it all together at the same time.

Second - Tim is killing me, he seems to have taken our workouts to a new level and is getting joy in seeing me suffer. he's put me through some killer workouts lately and I know it is all good for me, but they still are terribly hard. For some reason i reached a limit today and mentally shut down and couldn't do anything - he had me in tears and we finally called it a day and will make up the time on Saturday. i think I'm am going to go through some emotion exhaustions as I work through the eating issues. it was so nice to have someone from my food group call me tonight and see how I was doing, that made me feel so much better and made me realize that I can keep to my food plan and not call for pizza or something different.

Third - I'm updating my signature and adding a new ticker! I'm going back in January with friends. I can't wait and I just changed my resort from Pop Century to Coronado tonight due to a discount that was released. I'm so glad because I wasn't looking forward to Pop Century at all. the resort is great for lots of people, but I like the fitness center at Coronado and the more relaxed feel of the resort. WooHoo!!! another Disney trip!!!

Finally - I'm very thankful for these boards, they keep me sane. I haven't been around as much, but I think of you all the time and need to make time to keep up on my journey as well as read about others. Can I start my new years resolution a month early?

Things I'm proud of today:
1. I made a phone call instead of stopping at the Dairy Queen when I felt the cravings and urges for food.
2. I saw a nutritionist today to support my recovery.
3. Even thought I was brought to tears, I stuck with my workout for 40 minutes, even though I wanted to stop after 5.

Things I could improve on:
1. Letting things go quicker than I do. I can't change an event that has already happened, so I need to let it go.
2. Keeping up on my journal. It feels great to get things out of my system.

 

[toystoryduo]

Hi Diane,

Congratulations on completing your food plan for the past 24 days! That is a wonderful accomplishment! I am so proud of you, not only for staying OP, but for working through it as well.

Sorry to hear about the workout with Tim... Good for you for sticking with it for 40 minutes!

Another WDW trip?!?!?!? Very exciting!!! And, it's right around the corner!

Hope you have a wonderful weekend, Diane!

 

[Goofydiane]

It's day 28 now and I'm starting to be proud of myself, and that is something I've never thought I'd be. I always seem to focused on what is wrong with me and what I need to change and not any accomplishments that I have achieved. It is such a different feeling to think of what your positive attributes are and it is a great feeling to think back on good instead of a fault.

I'm thrilled that I'm on day 28! Weekends have always been a struggle for me and now I'm looking forward to them. I know that come Monday, I'm not going to feel sluggish and hate my job and not want to go in to work because of how I feel. I thought I would miss the sugary sweet foods and I really don't. I still have cravings and will always have the cravings....I wake up every morning wanting sugary foods and I just turn that compulsion over to a power greater than myself to get me through the next 10 minutes and then 10 minutes after that. It is a such a freeing feeling to know that I don't have to do this alone.

Tim and I had our first workout since my Thursday meltdown and we started with finishing what we didn't get to on Thursday. Running isn't any better the 2nd day, I got through it and I'm proud of that. I remember watching the biggest loser and the one contestent who struggled with jumping onto the box....I seem to struggle the same way when Tim tells me to run. If he told me to do the running on my own treadmill, I would be able to do it without issue, I don't know why I struggle when he tells me to run.

I went to my neighbors kids hockey game last night and he scored his first high-school goal! It was a great game to go to because they were playing the high school that a friend who I used to work with plays for. She was at the game and we got a chance to catch up. She worked with me until the end of October when she left the company due to her job being eliminated last January. My neighbors team won, and it was a very evenly matched game so it was a great evening.

These boards, my reading material and my group keep me sane and I'm thankful for everything. My parents have been on one of their tour group trips for the past 3 weeks and they come home on Tuesday and for the first time in I'm not sure how long, I'm looking forward to having them come home and plan a holiday event with them. I always call it the Howden Holidays from hell due to all my stuggles and issues and this year I'm looking forward to the holidays.

Things I'm proud of this weekend:
1. I'm followed my food plan for 28 days and I'm following it one day at a time.
2. I ran today and finished the previous workout without breaking down. Then we did our weekend workout and I got through that.
3. I followed my shopping list at the grocery store and added no additional items!
4. I chose to not have any popcorn during movie night last night and my neighbor makes the best popcorn! It wasn't on my food plan so I didn't have any.

Things I could improve on:
1. Turning over the planning of my workouts to my trainer. He is the expert after all. I need to just do what he tells me to do, knowing that I'm doing it because he knows I can.
2. Journaling daily, not just ever few days.
3. Getting enough sleep, when I don't get enough sleep, I am tired and that triggers poor food choices.