Minerva Mouse
DIS Veteran
- Joined
- Jul 16, 2012
a Wish journal? hu. I guess you could say I've been toying with the idea for a while, at this point that's all it is. A wish. One wish to the magical wizard and poof 
thin for life. Speaking of life, it's something I've wished for, for most of mine. I have memories of my weight going back to 3rd grade.
3rd Grade. What a way to wreck a childhood! Never fitting in (literally). I remember one girl who was exceptionally cruel, her name was Christy. From there it was junior high, where songs of "fatty fatty two by four" greeted me daily in math. I remember a lot of tears in Junior high, a lot of hurt, a lot of sadness. From there came High School, years before the "bullying" epidemic we're all so familiar with today. I remembering sitting in front of one of the cool boys in History, daily he oinked or Moo-ed at me, like the pig and or cow, I was. Kids would laugh, as I tried to hold back the tears, to this day this (now) man, still haunts me. I cower in the corner, and cross the street as quickly as possible. The scars are still so fresh. I can even recall my own father, my own flesh and blood once saying to me "Minerva, you'd be the prettiest girl in school (wait for it)
if you'd just loose some weight."
In my early 20's I met a man. A quote/unquote "popular" man. And he what? Wait? He likes me? Me? But he didn't like me, he liked the control and the power he held over me, this shell of girl, with no self worth and no confidence. I found myself the victim of an abusive relationship both physically and mentally. The physical scars heal, but those mental scars, let me tell you, those scars, well, they last a lifetime.
In my mid 20's something inside of me snapped. I vividly remember sitting in psychology class and this little switch inside my head went CLICK! and at 248 pounds (on a 5'4" frame) I said, I don't want to be fat anymore. And just like that, with the help of friend, and good ol' fashion diet and exercise I lost 70 pounds, in just a tad less than 5 months.
I kept the weight off for about 7 years, buy continuing to exercise, and eat moderately. Those we're the happiest years of my life. I felt so alive, I felt like me, I could wear clothes that I never dreamed of wearing, I had friends, and I had more phone numbers than I had fingers. The fat girl was gone! and I swore she'd NEVER be back!
As I sit before you today, balling my eyes out in shame and disgust. I can make excuses, and I can tell you how I found out my then best friend was sleeping with my then boyfriend. I was hurt, and deeply saddened. Shocked more by the "best friend", Guys are slime, we know this. But not my best friend? She was my rock, who does that? It's easier to place the blame on them, to say I was humiliated, that I was afraid I'd run into them in public and I'd see them together, and that the hurt would then only continue to consume me. But the truth is, They didn't make me eat! They didn't hold a gun to my head and force me to stay out of the gym. I did that to myself.
Today, I'm 37 years old and weigh in at a whopping 284 pounds. I'm a food addict, food is my drug of choice, I dream about it, I think about it, it consumes my every thought, it is my 10 second escape, and I don't know how to step away. Unlike a drug addict, I can' just "quit" food. I can't just walk away cold turkey. I have to learn to coexist with my drug, before it kills me.
And let me tell you, my weight is killing me! Not just emotionally but physically as well and it's a horrible life to live trapped inside the body of a fat person. It's like a prison, where you can't wear the clothes you want to wear, or do all of the things you want to do.
I debated on whether or not to create this journal in my real DIS username. I'm hoping that this will be that first push that I have so desperately needed to wake me up! I know I need to change, I so desperately want to change, but it is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO hard when food is constantly yelling at me, teasing me, calling my name and then jumping down my throat as I walk by! This is step one of my WISH journal.
Step two, exercise.
P.S. If any of you know Shemar Moore I'd really like to meet him, But ONLY after I've lost about 140 pounds. How's that for motivation ladies, lol
thin for life. Speaking of life, it's something I've wished for, for most of mine. I have memories of my weight going back to 3rd grade. 3rd Grade. What a way to wreck a childhood! Never fitting in (literally). I remember one girl who was exceptionally cruel, her name was Christy. From there it was junior high, where songs of "fatty fatty two by four" greeted me daily in math. I remember a lot of tears in Junior high, a lot of hurt, a lot of sadness. From there came High School, years before the "bullying" epidemic we're all so familiar with today. I remembering sitting in front of one of the cool boys in History, daily he oinked or Moo-ed at me, like the pig and or cow, I was. Kids would laugh, as I tried to hold back the tears, to this day this (now) man, still haunts me. I cower in the corner, and cross the street as quickly as possible. The scars are still so fresh. I can even recall my own father, my own flesh and blood once saying to me "Minerva, you'd be the prettiest girl in school (wait for it)
if you'd just loose some weight."
In my early 20's I met a man. A quote/unquote "popular" man. And he what? Wait? He likes me? Me? But he didn't like me, he liked the control and the power he held over me, this shell of girl, with no self worth and no confidence. I found myself the victim of an abusive relationship both physically and mentally. The physical scars heal, but those mental scars, let me tell you, those scars, well, they last a lifetime.
In my mid 20's something inside of me snapped. I vividly remember sitting in psychology class and this little switch inside my head went CLICK! and at 248 pounds (on a 5'4" frame) I said, I don't want to be fat anymore. And just like that, with the help of friend, and good ol' fashion diet and exercise I lost 70 pounds, in just a tad less than 5 months.
I kept the weight off for about 7 years, buy continuing to exercise, and eat moderately. Those we're the happiest years of my life. I felt so alive, I felt like me, I could wear clothes that I never dreamed of wearing, I had friends, and I had more phone numbers than I had fingers. The fat girl was gone! and I swore she'd NEVER be back!
As I sit before you today, balling my eyes out in shame and disgust. I can make excuses, and I can tell you how I found out my then best friend was sleeping with my then boyfriend. I was hurt, and deeply saddened. Shocked more by the "best friend", Guys are slime, we know this. But not my best friend? She was my rock, who does that? It's easier to place the blame on them, to say I was humiliated, that I was afraid I'd run into them in public and I'd see them together, and that the hurt would then only continue to consume me. But the truth is, They didn't make me eat! They didn't hold a gun to my head and force me to stay out of the gym. I did that to myself.
Today, I'm 37 years old and weigh in at a whopping 284 pounds. I'm a food addict, food is my drug of choice, I dream about it, I think about it, it consumes my every thought, it is my 10 second escape, and I don't know how to step away. Unlike a drug addict, I can' just "quit" food. I can't just walk away cold turkey. I have to learn to coexist with my drug, before it kills me.
And let me tell you, my weight is killing me! Not just emotionally but physically as well and it's a horrible life to live trapped inside the body of a fat person. It's like a prison, where you can't wear the clothes you want to wear, or do all of the things you want to do.
I debated on whether or not to create this journal in my real DIS username. I'm hoping that this will be that first push that I have so desperately needed to wake me up! I know I need to change, I so desperately want to change, but it is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO hard when food is constantly yelling at me, teasing me, calling my name and then jumping down my throat as I walk by! This is step one of my WISH journal.
Step two, exercise.
P.S. If any of you know Shemar Moore I'd really like to meet him, But ONLY after I've lost about 140 pounds. How's that for motivation ladies, lol
I will wear this bracelet on my arm 24/7 as a constant reminder. Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels!
It's just so hard to get motivated. 
I'm a sleeping, lazing on the couch, candy crushing saga, time bomb. 
