Question about funeral etiquette

[pryncess527]

I’ve heard of this, but never done it or seen it done.

I’d probably read the note once everyone was gone.

I’m not sure it would have occurred to me to ask permission- but from the reactions in this thread if I ever do this i sure will ask first

 

[kiddo76]

I also understand how family can feel about it as well. One thing I pull from the discussion is "loved one(s)" and the assumption of family being the most loved ones. May not always be the case. Loved ones are not only family.

In this case, to me, "loved ones" mean the people planning and having input on the services.
My siblings and I discussed and agreed to leave small tokens in my parents' vaults. If either of my siblings had objected to that, I would have done something else with my tokens, like bury them some place special or keep in my own special box.
If it was something like a note, I would burn and and release the thoughts up to the heavens.

 

[willowsnn3]

People do, yes. But I've never experienced that with a virtual stranger of the family. I've only known close friends or family members to do things like that.

Honestly, I probably would have taken the note and read it when it was all over. My anxiety doesn't do well with the unknown, and always wondering what it said and who this person was would probably drive me to madness.

This is pretty much what I was going to say, lol.
I would remove the note later & read it. They may have been really close but leaving anything in the coffin should be from family or very close friends (that ask family permission).

 

[Kennywood]

To put a twist on this subject, there is a practice of taking a picture of the person lying in the coffin. I've encountered this in the Appalachia portion of the country, although I've learned that it happens in many other places as well. This practice isn't meant to be morbid. It's just a family's way of having one, last picture of their loved one.

At first, I thought this was odd and I was honestly a little uncomfortable. But I've come to see it for what it is. It's actually interesting now to watch the reactions of those who are, for the first time, seeing this being done at a funeral. In the instances where I've seen this happen, it's always been done with discretion and respect.

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

I was wondering if this was something that is typically done, since I have never seen it. When my Mom died, at her wake, one of her coworkers put in what looked like a note, into her casket. She was not family, nor even a close friend and my mom only talked to her at work, none of us had even met her, so just a coworker. I found it odd and it upset me at the time that this stranger would do that, especially without asking any family member if we objected. Is this something that people do, put things in people's coffins?

As long as they don't take anything from the casket, I'd be fine with it.

 

[MrJT]

Maybe this coworker thought they were closer than your mom thought? Maybe she really liked or admired her, more than anybody knew.

 

[kiddo76]

To put a twist on this subject, there is a practice of taking a picture of the person lying in the coffin. I've encountered this in the Appalachia portion of the country, although I've learned that it happens in many other places as well. This practice isn't meant to be morbid. It's just a family's way of having one, last picture of their loved one.

At first, I thought this was odd and I was honestly a little uncomfortable. But I've come to see it for what it is. It's actually interesting now to watch the reactions of those who are, for the first time, seeing this being done at a funeral. In the instances where I've seen this happen, it's always been done with discretion and respect.

I've heard about this, although have never experienced it. Apparently it goes back to the early days of photography and often times the funeral pictures were the only pictures that existed of the deceased.

 

[luvsJack]

Maybe this coworker thought they were closer than your mom thought? Maybe she really liked or admired her, more than anybody knew.

This is what I was thinking. Maybe the OP's mother helped this person in some way that was very meaningful to the person. Maybe she was a mentor in the work they did. Maybe the OP's mom was just there for her in a time of need and she wanted to say thank you but missed her chance.

There are so many possible explanations.

 

[luvsJack]

To put a twist on this subject, there is a practice of taking a picture of the person lying in the coffin. I've encountered this in the Appalachia portion of the country, although I've learned that it happens in many other places as well. This practice isn't meant to be morbid. It's just a family's way of having one, last picture of their loved one.

At first, I thought this was odd and I was honestly a little uncomfortable. But I've come to see it for what it is. It's actually interesting now to watch the reactions of those who are, for the first time, seeing this being done at a funeral. In the instances where I've seen this happen, it's always been done with discretion and respect.

It was a "thing" here back when I was very, very young. In my Mom's pictures (some were hers, some her father's, some Dad's mom's) there are several black and white photos like this. Sadly, except for my Mother's step mother, my siblings and I don't know who any of these people are.

My step-grandmother (Mom's step mother), is the last funeral I, personally, saw pictures taken. I was probably 6 when she died.

 

[siren0119]

I would have been upset.While everyone experiences and expresses grief in different ways, wakes are about the deceased immediate loved ones. It seems a little narcissistic for this coworker to place something in the casket. While my siblings and I included small, meaningful tokens of remembrance in my parents vaults for their urns, I would not have wanted something from a stranger to be included.

That may be your personal interpretation of the purpose of a wake, and it's why we are given the option of having either a public or a private, family-only wake. But the wake is for anyone who is grieving the person as well as those who want to support the grieving family/friends/etc. It's a final goodbye. When my mother passed away there were many people who attended because they needed a moment to grieve as much as we did. Seeing people from all aspects of her life just showed us what an impact she made on people. It wasn't just for us, it was for them too.

Families that get upset at how others choose to grieve can always opt for a private family service.

THIS

 

[mom2rtk]

To be clear, I would only read it to make sure my loved one wasn't being buried with some kind of written curse or hateful words and negativity lol.

My thought as well.

 

[AlohaNow]

Definitely strange for a non-family member to go ahead and do something like that. They really should have asked the permission of the family. Not knowing the family’s religious customs and all, which sometimes play a part in final disposition of remains. At the very least, funeral staff could have been alerted and they would have retrieved the note before closing the casket if requested by the family. DH spent a few years working as a licensed funeral director so he probably has as many stories as @ronandannette ! But as to the original question, no, the coworker lady should not have done that!

 

[kiddo76]

I apologize to the OP and removed my response to another as I do not intend to argue over this.

OP, I would have been upset as well, but what happened has happened and I wouldn't let this interfere with your grieving process.

 

[siren0119]

This makes no sense. So if you don't want random things being buried with your loved one's remains, you should have a private service?

Maybe just show some respect by asking those holding the wake/funeral first before doing something that inserts yourself into someone's eternal resting place?

I was not addressing the objects in the casket. I was specifically addressing the bolded section of the person I was responding to - the assertion that a wake is all about the family.

Maybe read things thoroughly before blasting a response.

 

[kiddo76]

I was not addressing the objects in the casket. I was specifically addressing the bolded section of the person I was responding to - the assertion that a wake is all about the family.

Maybe read things thoroughly before blasting a response.

Deleted

 

[barkley]

To put a twist on this subject, there is a practice of taking a picture of the person lying in the coffin. I've encountered this in the Appalachia portion of the country, although I've learned that it happens in many other places as well. This practice isn't meant to be morbid. It's just a family's way of having one, last picture of their loved one.

i had a coworker whose dh was a professional photographer as his side job. the practice you speak of is still VERY common with certain cultures some of which had large communities in the area of northern california we lived/worked. initially the majority of his jobs were weddings and kid's sport teams but once word got out in the community that he was willing to do death/funeral photos he couldn't keep up with the demand.

 

[Hikergirl]

I also understand how family can feel about it as well. One thing I pull from the discussion is "loved one(s)" and the assumption of family being the most loved ones. May not always be the case. Loved ones are not only family.

I agree I'm not saying that a friend can't be a loved one, but the family is the one taking care of the burial, they are the ones making the arrangements (hopefully with their love done before). When you go to the wake and funeral it is "hosted" by the family. So to me that means they are the ones who get to decide what is included inside the casket with their loved one.
I think if anyone other than family wants to leave anything the right thing to do is to run it by the family first. I don't know how it is in your life, but anyone that is close enough to be considered a loved one, is close or at least known by the rest of the family in mine. The OP described this person as a stranger to them, and IMO that person leaving something in that casket without speaking to them first is disrespectful to them. It's OK if you see it differently but it doesn't make my feelings about it wrong.

 

[Lilsia]

To put a twist on this subject, there is a practice of taking a picture of the person lying in the coffin. I've encountered this in the Appalachia portion of the country, although I've learned that it happens in many other places as well. This practice isn't meant to be morbid. It's just a family's way of having one, last picture of their loved one.

At first, I thought this was odd and I was honestly a little uncomfortable. But I've come to see it for what it is. It's actually interesting now to watch the reactions of those who are, for the first time, seeing this being done at a funeral. In the instances where I've seen this happen, it's always been done with discretion and respect.

My Polish family does that. And each family is supposed to stand in front of the coffin and take a picture like its a wedding. I refuse. No thanks. I will remember you in my memory.

 

[bethbuchall]

I think that she should have asked first, but I also wouldn't have been bothered by it. I do know myself well enough to know that I would have read the note. After reading it, I would have decided whether it stayed in or went up in flames. As close I am to my mother, I don't know all of her friends or how close she really was to anyone she worked with. There is a whole different set of relationships that I think need to be respected even if they aren't as "important" as yours. I'm close with my co-teacher at work, and we have shared a lot with one another, but our families don't know the other at all.

 

[here757]

To put a twist on this subject, there is a practice of taking a picture of the person lying in the coffin. I've encountered this in the Appalachia portion of the country, although I've learned that it happens in many other places as well. This practice isn't meant to be morbid. It's just a family's way of having one, last picture of their loved one.

At first, I thought this was odd and I was honestly a little uncomfortable. But I've come to see it for what it is. It's actually interesting now to watch the reactions of those who are, for the first time, seeing this being done at a funeral. In the instances where I've seen this happen, it's always been done with discretion and respect.

My granny wanted to do this at my grandfathers (peepaw) funeral. My cousin went in to snap I’and his mom exploded! Guess the tradition skipped a generation?
I understand why she asked for the pix