Should I make DD invite everyone to her BD party?

[allicat]

DD has had birthday parties for the past 2 years and we have always invited ALL of the girls in her Brownie troop( about 9 girls). However, there is one girl who has come to both of DD's parties yet has never invited DD to hers. This is the second year in a row and DD has hurt feelings.DD and this girl arent buddy buddy but they get along fine.
This year she said she does not want to invite this particular girl to her party because she doesnt think its fair that she never gets invited to hers.
You know, I tend to agree, but at the same time I dont want her to be spiteful like that. However, why should I force her to invite her?
Unfortunately, there is alot of "elitist" attitude in my area, "Im better than you type attitude" and I have a feeling that DD not getting invited has nothing to do with her and has to do with me not being in the "inner circle" with the childs mother.
But you cant explain that to a 7 year old!

 

[Pam]

IMO, after two years of you doing the "right" thing and making DD invite the girl to her party, yet not being invited back; your DD has every right to invite the girls that she wants. And if your DD doesn't want to invite the other girl, that's fine.

Pam

 

[bsnyder]

I always get in a dither about this stuff. Can't bear the thought of leaving out anyone or hurting feelings, but I also realize my children aren't going to like or be best friends with everyone!

I don't try to dictate the guest list, however, I don't like it whent just one or two of a group are left out. So I usually tell my DD that she can either include everyone, or make it a small enough group where it's not noticeable that only one is left out.

 

[Beauty]

I do tend to agree with what Bet said.....if only one little girl is left out and then the rest are talking about what fun they had etc...the little girl is bound to get hurt. She isn't old enough yet to really realize the way her mother is. This is so so hard because I see exactly where your DD is coming from, but then to think of only that one little girl being left out........

 

[d.kurz]

I'm not going to be ANY help....but don't you just HATE this kind of stuff??? SO HARD to know what's the right thing to do. And then you teach YOUR kid what you think is right, and they see others not following those "rules" and it's just not right!!

Good luck.

 

[holycow]

You know I'm going to be a big meany here but just to preface this with the fact that my DS when he was younger wasn't included in many an activity and he had his feelings hurt many times but he got over it. knew who is friends were and weren't......so you know what ...you've been nice and done the good thing for 2 years and it wasn't recipicated....and yet this year again your DD will be left in the cold when it is time for this childs bday....I say
let your DD enjoy the day and let her have who SHE wants to the party....It is HER party her special day so why not let her choose.

 

[WillyJ]

Hmmmmm. . . tough call Allicat. . .

Well, I don't think there is really any wrong answer to this, but I'd lean to explaining to your daughter that wanting to treat the other girl feel like she made her feel is understandable, being unkind back doesn't solve anything and might force the other girls to choose sides. . plus she'd look good by inviting the girl. .

Then leave it up to her. . . it is her birthday, and I think forcing her to invite the other girl wouldn't be fair.

Of course, she could invite her, get the gift, then tell her to get out. . .

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Ugh, that stinks that she doesn't get invited back. You are the parent and thinking about the right way you want to teach her.
Hmmmm well I would say if she does not want to invite her because she wants to hurt her feelings back I could see where this concerns you.

If it were me, and I am a Girl Scout Leader for 6 yrs now, I would force her. I couldn't leave one girl out.

 

[damo]

Sometimes kids are allowed only small parties and they have to invite their cousins, their neighbours, their school buddies, etc and somebody always gets left out. Perhaps this girl didn't leave her out on purpose but really had no choice because she could only invite a certain number of kids. Might not be her fault.

If all the other brownies were invited to her parties except your daughter then you have a point but otherwise she might just not have been able to fit everyone in.

 

[disykat]

I have never thought of childrens birthday party invitations as something that requires "payback" and think that attitude should be discouraged. Every family gives different kind of parties - I'd hate to think my kids, who give small parties, would have to invite a child just because he gives whole class parties and happened to invite my child.

If your dd is not friends with this girl and doesn't want to invite her, she should just invite her close friends. Just make sure it is seperate from brownies and doesn't single this girl out. If she's inviting her whole brownie troop, I think she needs to invite the girl.

 

[wdwnutze]

I always set an amount of people that my dd could invite to her party and then let her make the guest list from there. Parties are for your friends to celebrate your day with you.

 

[Mermaid02]

We have some friends (good friends) who have a dd who is 7 and a ds who is 4.... my ds is almost 6.... we always invite BOTH their children to ds's party yet they NEVER invite our ds to their dd's bday party. I really don't know why.

This year I think we will invite the children who are in my ds's kindergarten class and no one else.

I would invite the girl, that way when the kids were talking about the party at Brownies she wouldn't be left out.

 

[believe]

I agree with disykat that being invited to a birthday party does not have to be paid back. At Christmas just because I give a gift doesn't mean I expect a gift from the individual. I think it is important for children to understand that you do what you need to do and not expect someone to do the same thing as you. DD#1 was wondering why she didn't get a gift from my friend since I gave her a gift. I explained that we don't give things or do things expecting things in return.

I also agree that if your DD is inviting the rest of the troop members, then this little girls should be invited.

This year was the first year DD#1 had a friend party, without my large family attending. She was allowed to invite a few friends from school and a few friends outside of school. The invites were sent to the homes so that kids feelings wouldn't be hurt. I also put on the invite that there would only be 10 kids present. This allowed the parents to know that DD's entire class was not invited. Most of the parents instructed their kids to not talk about the party at school. This really helped.

 

[cgcw]

We sort of had a similar situation this year with DS8's party. He wanted to invite all the kids from his soccer team except 2 boys. Both of the boys mom's are very outspoken (like to gossip and such) and involved at the school. Both boys had not been very nice to my son on several occasions. What to do, what to do?? We struggled and struggled because we didn't want to invite the boys yet felt that it was the right thing to do. We ended up inviting them anyway. Low and behold, one of the boys has been over to our house to play since and had a good time doing it. The other boy reciprocated with an invitation to his birthday - a big surprise. I think it kind of softended the edges a bit and helped the boys get back on track. They are by no means "best pals" but it did make it a little easier to have common events. Good luck, I know it's a tough one.

 

[Dream]

To me this is simple.....when the potential hurt feelings of a child are involved...esp one this young...the decision should be to do that thing that will avoid those hurt feelings. In this case that means not excluding this one child from the party. Painful things like this stay with a peron a long time....esp little people. Sounds like you have already decided the reason your dd was not invited to this girl's parties is an adult issue...not a child's issue. Rise above this other woman's pettiness and use this chance to teach your daughter a very important lesson in human kindness...and inner strength. Doing the right thing is often hard...but you still need to do the right thing. And this involves a scout troop?? A subject near and dear to my heart.....remind your daughter that she is a sister to EVERY Girl Scout...not just the ones who are easy to like. Good luck....and I bet you will sleep better knowing YOU did the right thing Mom. Just imagine that other woman's insomnia problems!!!

 

[aprincessmom]

I have never thought of childrens birthday party invitations as something that requires "payback" and think that attitude should be discouraged. Every family gives different kind of parties - I'd hate to think my kids, who give small parties, would have to invite a child just because he gives whole class parties and happened to invite my child.

I agree with this statement. And I might add one of DD's closest friend's has never had DD to a birthday party because her parents don't "believe" in inviting anyone other than family.

The way I see it, it's DD's party, not mine. I can encourage her to think about her choices but, at the end of the day, it's still her party and her decision. Last year she felt compelled (because other kids were doing it) to invite her entire class and other friends and had a rotten time. And it cost me an arm and a leg. This year for her 7th birthday she invited 5 children -- only the ones she wanted to invite -- had a ball.

BTW...we only send invites through the mail so no one feels left out or singled out for no invite. I hate when parents send the invites to school to be distributed or hand them out in front of everyone.