Would this annoy you? Isn't this something that is private?

[Lilacs4Me]

We have custody/fostering guardianship of our great-nephew, who is 12. With that status, he has a DCFS case and is automatically enrolled in Medicaid, which automatically enrolls him in Free Lunch. With Free Lunch, our school district also waives the registration fees and any academic-related fees such as field trips.

Nephew brought home a permission slip last week and asked me why he would be free when all the other kids had to pay. Apparently he overheard his teacher talking to another teacher about it. I vaguely told him not to worry about it and I would make sure everything was taken care of for him.

He went to school the next day and told his teacher that I didn't know why he was free and that we wanted to know. She proceeded to have the discussion with him that he was free because he was on the public aid program. So he came home with more questions, sigh.

We specifically did not share the information about Medicaid or Free Lunch with him for a variety of reasons, first (not in any particular order) because drugs, alcohol, instability, run-ins with the law, and collecting welfare instead of working was the norm with the adults in his previous life and we are trying to show him there is a different path out there, and 2nd because he and DS12 are the same age, in the same grade, and we didn't want Nephew to feel different, and 3rd, he doesn't understand the politics or PR of things, and we didn't want him to talk about it to middle school kids who are very likely to only have a negative connotation about "welfare" and we don't want Nephew to get bullied or teased.

We let Nephew pick whether he wants to bring a lunch or buy one, and there is a little debit card ALL the kids get and have to use in the cafeteria, so no matter if we load money onto the card, or the kids get free lunch, it makes no difference and nobody knows. Field Trip money can be sent in in a sealed envelope or paid directly on the website. I usually just pay online for DS12, so neither of their envelopes have money inside, just the signed permission slip.

Is it me, or is this something teachers shouldn't be discussing in front of, or with, students? (I've already had the talk with Nephew about me handling adult discussions with teachers directly and he is not to go to them himself)

Teachers out there - what would you have done in this situation, if a student came up and asked you about this type of thing?

 

[firefly_ris]

I agree, shouldn't be discussed in earshot of students.

 

[#1hoosierfan]

I’m a teacher, and that should not have happened. First of all, it was not ok that the teacher talked about it where he or others could have overheard.

If a child comes up to me with a personal question such as that my response is always, “You need to ask about that at home.”

 

[EscalatorKid]

Anything sensitive is a private discussion.

I am a teacher and I would never put that out there because middle schoolers are relentless... And there seems to be no shortage of adults who like to be rude about kids being on public assistance. (I shut that down before it starts because I don't tolerate that from anyone.)

 

[Nancyg56]

I think that you had the conversation with your nephew, however I do believe that the next conversation should be with his teacher. Parents should always let kids know which conversations should be addressed by the adults, I am a firm believer that when it seems a teacher is not clear about the boundaries, a chat is in order.

I think children know more than we give credit for, and I bet you a buck that your nephew now will want some clarification from you. My kids were in a similar situation when their father passed away. It was more rare back then for single parent households, and I found that when I discussed this with my children, they had less anxiety about being "different." There are ways to talk about why kids have a specific living arrangement, and to include some to the financial information without getting to detailed. I found that when my children were armed with some information they questioned the details less often and were able to handle any questions, either their own or from their peers, better.

 

[cabanafrau]

It may well be that the teacher was out of line discussing the situation with a colleague at all. Teachers are privy to information about their own students that are not necessarily known to all faculty and staff outside of those with a professional need to know. Students do have some privacy rights. This is the entire reason districts are using the debit card lunch systems in the first place -- to protect student privacy. At the very least the teacher doesn't think it's important to take care in discussing private matters where they can be overheard. If in fact the colleague she was discussing the matter with has no need to know your nephew's personal information the teacher doesn't respect your nephew's rights at all.

The discussion with your nephew didn't violate his privacy rights of course, however it crossed lines of good judgment IMO. He definitely should have been instructed to take the matter up with you at home.

These types of things are frequently major social issues for kids in foster care situations. These kids are particularly vulnerable and don't need any additional emotional or academic pressures these things can trigger.

 

[ShirikiUtundu]

I think 12 is plenty old enough for you to discuss this topic with your nephew. He is obviously curious. Doesn't sound like teachers were gossiping and that they answered him directly, so I would have no issues with them or the school. IMO you aren't doing him any favors by trying to hide the social and aid issues that come with fostering a dependent.

 

[Bren's Mom]

I agree with the others that the teachers should not have been discussing in earshot of students. Also agree that the teacher should have referred the discussion back to guardians.

However, I'd caution you against discouraging him from talking with his teachers or any other adults in his life. At his age, let him ask the questions he needs to ask in the places he feels most comfortable. If a subject is beyond the teacher's scope, they can refer him back to you and/or up the chain at the school (like to the guidance counselor) and/or reach out to you directly to let you know. But don't stifle his communication and outlets. He might need them.

 

[DISNEYSQUIRRELS]

First, you are obviously an incredible person for stepping in to raise your great nephew. It sounds as though he had a very tough living situation prior & most kids coming from that instability bring a whole set of challenges that most people will never understand or experience unless you are living with them & raising them.
I agree 150% with you that none of that should have been discussed among the teachers & it is too bad that your great nephew overheard the conversation.
It should be on your terms how info like this is delivered (or not), at this point you know him best.
I would let someone with the school administration know that sensitive info should be handled in the most confidential of ways.

 

[Lilacs4Me]

I agree with the others that the teachers should not have been discussing in earshot of students. Also agree that the teacher should have referred the discussion back to guardians.

However, I'd caution you against discouraging him from talking with his teachers or any other adults in his life. At his age, let him ask the questions he needs to ask in the places he feels most comfortable. If a subject is beyond the teacher's scope, they can refer him back to you and/or up the chain at the school (like to the guidance counselor) and/or reach out to you directly to let you know. But don't stifle his communication and outlets. He might need them.

I totally agree! The discouragement was: "Do not tell your teacher that I said I wanted to know why you are free, when I did not tell you I wanted to know or ask you to talk to your teachers for me. I will handle adult conversations with your teachers and you can handle the kid conversations."

He is free to talk to any trusted adult about anything he is worried about. He is NOT free lie to them by telling them that *I* want to know something, when that is not true. He is slightly delayed and immature for his age, and sometimes has a hard time with his perception vs. reality, which is something we work with him on daily! But you bring up a great point - we don't always realize when something is bugging our kids more than just on the surface, and if I had taken the time to investigate further, I could have given him a better answer and he may not have gone to his teacher again the next day. Live and learn on that one!

Not that is makes the teachers talking about it in front of him or to him OK, IMO....

 

[Lilacs4Me]

I think 12 is plenty old enough for you to discuss this topic with your nephew. He is obviously curious. Doesn't sound like teachers were gossiping and that they answered him directly, so I would have no issues with them or the school. IMO you aren't doing him any favors by trying to hide the social and aid issues that come with fostering a dependent.

With a typical 12 year old, yes, I agree. He is not typical. He is at about a 8-9 year old level, emotionally and cognitively, and not ready to understand the social and political nuances of government assistance. And whatever I decide to share with him, and when, is my decision, not his teachers. Their initial discussion was in front of him, about him. He wouldn't have even known to ask about this if he hadn't overheard them the first day. Whether it was gossiping or a matter of fact discussion about who was on the "free" list, it should have been had in private, away from the kids, especially by special needs teachers who should know to be extra sensitive about the differences in their students.

IMO, of course. Thank you for yours!

 

[MaryLovesPoohBear]

I think 12 is plenty old enough for you to discuss this topic with your nephew. He is obviously curious. Doesn't sound like teachers were gossiping and that they answered him directly, so I would have no issues with them or the school. IMO you aren't doing him any favors by trying to hide the social and aid issues that come with fostering a dependent.

I agree.

I wonder if he went back to the teacher, expanding on the truth about who wanted to know, just so he could find out what the heck was going on.

It would have been better handled, in my opinion, by explaining it to him when he asked about it. And, although you are trying to show him a different path, you are accepting monetary help in raising him. Take time to explain why. And how it all works. On his level, of course.

 

[ShirikiUtundu]

With a typical 12 year old, yes, I agree. He is not typical. He is at about a 8-9 year old level, emotionally and cognitively. And whatever I decide to share with him, it is my decision, not his teachers. IMO.

Fair enough but I'll point out you didn't include this information in your OP. I stand by my opinion that 12 (typical 12) is an age to understand and be included in what is going on.

 

[Hikergirl]

I totally agree! The discouragement was: "Do not tell your teacher that I said I wanted to know why you are free, when I did not tell you I wanted to know or ask you to talk to your teachers for me. I will handle adult conversations with your teachers and you can handle the kid conversations."

He is free to talk to any trusted adult about anything he is worried about. He is NOT free lie to them by telling them that *I* want to know something, when that is not true. He is slightly delayed and immature for his age, and sometimes has a hard time with his perception vs. reality, which is something we work with him on daily! But you bring up a great point - we don't always realize when something is bugging our kids more than just on the surface, and if I had taken the time to investigate further, I could have given him a better answer and he may not have gone to his teacher again the next day. Live and learn on that one!

Not that is makes the teachers talking about it in front of him or to him OK, IMO....

While I don't think it is appropriate for teachers to gossip about students you really don't know what he overheard. It could have been something as simple as them discussing who pays because someone does need to be accountable for the money that does come in and make sure all the students bring it in. If it is a multiple classroom field trip the teachers may have to communicate with eachother about that.
If they announced that he didn't have to pay to the class that would be different, which it doesn't sound like they did.

I think your issue should be with him lying to the teacher. I don't see an issue with him asking a teacher why and her giving him a direct answer.
He's 12, and wants answers about his situation and you have been avoiding telling him things. You say he is free to talk to any trusted adult but then have an issue with the teacher discussing it with him. That makes it seem he isn't really free to do that.

 

[Lilacs4Me]

Fair enough but I'll point out you didn't include this information in your OP. I stand by my opinion that 12 (typical 12) is an age to understand and be included in what is going on.

you are right...I didn't say that in my OP! And I do agree with you...I have three kids of my own who are 18, 14, and 12 and I wouldn't hesitate to have this conversation with them. But they aren't in the same boat

 

[Hikergirl]

With a typical 12 year old, yes, I agree. He is not typical. He is at about a 8-9 year old level, emotionally and cognitively. And whatever I decide to share with him, it is my decision, not his teachers. Their initial discussion was in front of him, about him. He wouldn't have even known to ask about this if he hadn't overheard them the first day. Whether it was gossiping or a matter of fact discussion about who was on the "free" list, it should have been had in private, away from the kids, especially by special needs teachers who should know to be extra sensitive about the differences in their students.

IMO, of course. Thank you for yours!

Didn't see this before my reply.
Regarding the bolded. Under the circumstances, and his status I think it would have been best to go to his teachers with all your concerns when school started, or when he became your foster child if that was after.
Maybe contact them and explain what happened and tell them that you would appreciate them waiting until there are no students around to speak to each other about your nephew. Also let them know that you do not want them explaining personal things with him and they can tell him to speak to you about it from here on out.

 

[Lilacs4Me]

While I don't think it is appropriate for teachers to gossip about students you really don't know what he overheard. It could have been something as simple as them discussing who pays because someone does need to be accountable for the money that does come and make sure all the students bring it in. If it is a multiple classroom field trip the teachers may have to communicate with eachother about that.
If they announced that he didn't have to pay to the class that would be different, which it doesn't sound like they did.

I think your issue should be with him lying to the teacher. I don't see an issue with him asking a teacher why and her giving him a direct answer.
He's 12, and wants answers about his situation and you have been avoiding telling him things. You say he is free to talk to any trusted adult but then have an issue with the teacher discussing it with him. That makes it seem he isn't really free to do that.

I'm not sure that teachers discussing who has paid and who hasn't in front of the kids in a class is appropriate EVER? Shouldn't that go home in a note to parents?

The lying issue is something we are working on at home. He truly believes what he says and doesn't understand that giving false or wrong information is also considered lying. We are working on it!

 

[Queen of the WDW Scene]

Well you have just shared this info with the entire world now so...

Teachers have discussions with other teachers about students. (My sister is a teacher so I know they discuss students with each other especially if the student has classes with both teachers or the teachers are both doing something with the student like a field trip)

Your nephew asked you directly and you dismissed it.
So he went to the teacher and asked directly and the teacher probably saw his confusion and wanted to clear it up.
Was it the teacher's place to tell him? No but what were they to do? Give the same dismissive answer as you?
You had the opportunity to explain it all to him in the words you wanted to use and the kind of "sugar coating" style you want to use to satisfy his curiosity while not making him upset and you chose not to.

Is his entire world crushed now?
Has he started acting out?
If not then I'd say you don't know him well enough to know that giving it to him straight was something you should have done.

 

[Nancyg56]

Fair enough but I'll point out you didn't include this information in your OP. I stand by my opinion that 12 (typical 12) is an age to understand and be included in what is going on.

Fair enough but I'll point out you didn't include this information in your OP. I stand by my opinion that 12 (typical 12) is an age to understand and be included in what is going on.

I think that what WE fail to recognize is that our youngsters are way more knowledgeable about how "things" work than we give them credit for. I know that as parents we try to shield them from their own reality if it is less than pleasant, however they usually are already well aware of any differences they may have with their peers, and often want to understand what that means. The issue that arises with kids is that they may know they have differences, they may sense there is a reason, however they may not be able to articulate the questions they need in order to reduce their anxiety.

When you raise the child from birth you kind of grow with them, and you both learn how to communicate from the beginning. When you take a child in under extenuating circumstances there is a learning curve to overcome, as well as a tendency to safeguard the child from any more stress. I do not envy the OP, she is navigating unchartered waters.

 

[Lilacs4Me]

Didn't see this before my reply.
Regarding the bolded. Under the circumstances, and his status I think it would have been best to go to his teachers with all your concerns when school started, or when he became your foster child if that was after.
Maybe contact them and explain what happened and tell them that you would appreciate them waiting until there are no students around to speak to each other about your nephew. Also let them know that you do not want them explaining personal things with him and they can tell him to speak to you about it from here on out.

Yes, they all know. And especially this teacher because she had him in her resource room last year! I am a little annoyed, but I'm not mad really, at the teacher. I like her.