Another thread on what you would do....

[mnrose]

This is NOT me, but rather the parents of a friend of my daughter and exchange student.

Parents have two children, 18 and 17. The 18 year old is a senior in high school. He has been a licensed driver for about 18 months. In that time, he's at one "at fault" accident (ran into someone very minor damage), one time backed into a pole in a parking lot, two speeding tickets, and now a third accident (not at fault...he was rear ended). One vehicle involved in all the above, now "totaled" because of the rear end accident. It was a car 10-12 years old passed down to kid.

Parents have now purchased a "newer" Mercedes for kid. My husband and I look at each other and say "***?" There is simply no way I'd be getting kid another car with that kind of track record.

Other background: my daughter REFUSES to ride with him because he is constantly texting and driving. He's not a safe driver, and I believe his record reflects that. We have made it VERY clear to our kid that while she currently has privileges to drive our (oldest) car, an "at fault" accident or speeding ticket brings a screeching halt to those privileges. She'd be ON HER OWN to buy a car, pay for it, pay for insurance, etc.

I would never say anything to his parents (who are casual friends of ours because of the friendship of the kids), because they are, of course, entitled to do what they please. This is more about what YOU would do under similar circumstances. Purely hypothetical because my DD has had no incidents at all, driving slightly less long than this kid.

What says the DIS?

 

[cabanafrau]

Barring some absolute logistical necessity where I legitimately needed my child to have a vehicle to drive, nope, I will not fund my children repetitively making poor choices. I feel like I'd never see the end of intensive, hands-on parenting if I did.

I have to ask, are his parents aware of the texting and driving? One of my daughters had an acquaintance/friend in HS who she said that about and one day she woke up to social media filled with RIP messages for him. She knew immediately how he had died and his own social media provided the proof. He had posted within a minute of the single-car accident on dry roads.

 

[smokeyblue]

If my kid driving made my life easier and I could afford it, yes, I'd get them another car. If there was no major benefit to them having a car (me not having to pick up/drop off at school, work, after-school activities) I'd be hesitant.

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

We don't plan on buying our kids cars to begin with. That said we have six years before we even have to worry about that so I may change my tune.

 

[mnrose]

Barring some absolute logistical necessity where I legitimately needed my child to have a vehicle to drive, nope, I will not fund my children repetitively making poor choices. I feel like I'd never see the end of intensive, hands-on parenting if I did.

I have to ask, are his parents aware of the texting and driving? One of my daughters had an acquaintance/friend in HS who she said that about and one day she woke up to social media filled with RIP messages for him. She knew immediately how he had died and his own social media provided the proof. He had posted within a minute of the single-car accident on dry roads.

I honestly don't know if they are aware of his texting and driving. My daughter is the one that told me. She calls him out on it, but he doesn't stop so now she has stopped accepting rides from him. I don't know if it's *my* place to report him to his parents.

 

[mnrose]

If my kid driving made my life easier and I could afford it, yes, I'd get them another car. If there was no major benefit to them having a car (me not having to pick up/drop off at school, work, after-school activities) I'd be hesitant.

He does have a job, and is involved in activities. And, if it were my kid (who also works), I'd *want* her to have a vehicle to make my life easier. OTOH, I also would not subsidize her driving a car after she wrecked the one I gave her. Sure, it would inconvenience the hell out of my life if I had to drive her everywhere, but I also won't throw my money away on another car. So, if it's important enough, my kid would buy her OWN car.

 

[JaxDad]

I honestly don't know if they are aware of his texting and driving. My daughter is the one that told me. She calls him out on it, but he doesn't stop so now she has stopped accepting rides from him. I don't know if it's *my* place to report him to his parents.

I think you should tell them. Wouldn't you want them to tell you? I read that 11 teens die from texting and driving every day. If you can do your own very reasonable part to prevent something horrible from happening, you should. And great for your daughter!

 

[cabanafrau]

I honestly don't know if they are aware of his texting and driving. My daughter is the one that told me. She calls him out on it, but he doesn't stop so now she has stopped accepting rides from him. I don't know if it's *my* place to report him to his parents.

I think you should tell them. Wouldn't you want them to tell you? I read that 11 teens die from texting and driving every day. If you can do your own very reasonable part to prevent something horrible from happening, you should. And great for your daughter!

I can see both sides on this. Most parents will tell you they would want to know. Experience tells me they are not likely to thank the messenger.

OP, be very thankful your daughter understands that at the very least she needs to stand firm on never riding with him. My own daughter made the same stand with the boy she knew and I had no idea about the situation until after his death. Of course that's always something we tell our kids about getting into a car with someone else, but we can't guarantee they follow it.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

I honestly don't know if they are aware of his texting and driving. My daughter is the one that told me. She calls him out on it, but he doesn't stop so now she has stopped accepting rides from him. I don't know if it's *my* place to report him to his parents.

I’m not sure I’d reach out or not, but I wouldn’t hesitate to be honest if the subject of your daughter refusing to accept rides from him were to arise.

 

[luvsJack]

I would tell the parents. They may not be aware and they need to know.

As for the car, without the texting part, yeah, I may get him another vehicle. I mean even with him texting and driving, he can't be blamed for some one rear ending him.

But then I live in an area where a car is just about a necessity and if mom has a job 9/10 kids have a car to get to after school activities, jobs, etc.

 

[Christine]

My kid would lose the car after the speeding ticket. Of course, I was in a situation where I was a working parent and we had no bus service so my son would have had to drive himself to school. After that, no car with that sort of driving record.

 

[Marchand63]

Is his license really still active? In MA 3 surchargeable events in 2 years would suspend the license. The suspension progresses as events accumulate. Plus the parents insurance must be astronomical.

And good for your daughter.

 

[barkley]

Please overlook this if it is just too "off-topic", but another site had recommended DIS for general forums, and your post comes as close as I could find for my thread. I volunteer at a Food Bank, and we are considering financing gas vouchers, as they are the second most requested need in our community. However, it has come to my attention that at least one organization has been sued (they settled out of court) because the client did not have insurance and had an accident resulting in extreme problems. The paying insurance company declared that had it not been for the assistance with the gas, the accident would not have occurred. We really want to help, but are understandably unwilling to take this horrendous risk. What are other DIS members' thoughts on this? Thanx a bunch.....Mensch

my son receives some assistance through the department of vocational rehabilitation to attend college-a portion of which is 'gas money'. we are required to provide current proof of insurance to receive these funds. when I worked for social services and we issued gas monies we required proof of insurance for the client's car (we wouldn't pay for someone else to supposedly drive them b/c if they didn't have their own car we issued bus fare).

 

[kuhltiffany]

I'd be buying him a bus pass...

 

[3 MEN AND A BOAT]

I’ve heard people before with multiple accidents on their record, they claim that none are their fault, but in all honesty it seems they just can’t drive, maybe it’s his texting but it’s something. I’ve been driving for close to 25 years and I’ve never had an accident.
I’d have a difficult time buying this kid another vehicle, he can quite whatever after school program or work he needs a car for transportation to until he can prove himself more responsible.

 

[zoo2tycoon]

Tell them.
He could kill someone else driving and texting. As a parent I'd like to know.
My son lost a good friend who was drunk, not wearing a seat belt, texting and ran a stop sign. Nobody in the other car was seriously injured but they have to live with what they saw. This young man's parents have made it their goal to tell students about the consequences of what happened to their son.

As parents we are in hard places about whether we should tell people or not. My family went through a situation last year and I wish people had told me what they knew. Thankfully my child got help and things are fine. As parents we need to step up to protect our kids and others. They might not like us but could you live with it if that kid killed an innocent person texting.

 

[jalapeno_pretzel]

We are not at that age yet, but my kids will get neither a brand new vehicle nor a beater with outdated safety features. Texting would be a huge deal breaker and I would definitely want another parent to tell me if they knew my kids were doing that. Contrary to a few others, I think one speeding ticket is actually a valuable life lesson. Speed and learn about the consequences. Then it should be in the forefront of their minds, making them better drivers. Now multiple speeding tickets is going to be a big deal though.

 

[Wishing on a star]

You are very lucky and have a very mature and wise daughter!!!!

I am generally opposed to reporting things to parents... It generally NEVER goes well.
And I would def. offer no comment at all about the new car.

The thing that gets me is when somebody is overtly and blatantly breaking the law, and when other kids safety is at risk.
THAT bothers me.
I honestly don't think I would say anything directly to the parents.
But, if there were some way that, maybe, your daughter could find it necessary to mention, within earshot, the reason why she will not ride with him???

Wow, this is def. not an easy call.

I hate to think of the repercussions with the exchange student if something were to happen to them, and the authorities do see, or find out, that texting was a factor.

 

[Wishing on a star]

And, PS: No, with the situation as described, I would not be taking on my OWN financial risk to enable this guy.

My son has driven since he was able to get his permit....
I have no problem helping my kid have what he needs to get out there and get a good start on life.

He is now a young adult, has a perfect, flawless, driving record... and actually is licensed to drive in his position at work.

With this kind of record, this guy could find that it affects his future employment options.

 

[SC Minnie]

When DD got her license she helped pay for her first car. It was a car that was once owned by one of my coworkers grandmother. It wasn't cute but it got her from point A to point B. When she got her license she was told from the beginning driving was a privilege not a right and a privilege that we could take away at any time. She did very well. I think the fact that she had skin in the game as far as her own money in the car made a difference. She had ownership and pride in her grandma car. She drove that car for 3 years and we gave her DH's Highlander when he got a new one.

If she had accidents and speeding tix there is no way I would be getting buying her a car, especially not a Mercedes.