Another thread on what you would do....

[NHdisneylover]

My husband had a terrible accident the first night he had his license. And, he didn't drive again until he was 18. He paid his Dad back for every penny of the damage not covered by insurance. He worked to buy the next car he had (a complete junker). So, that probably colors our view on this issue. Needless to say, I never had a car during my teen years because I was one of 8 kids (two older than me) and our "family" had ONE vehicle, which my Dad used to drive to work. LOL. We made it work.

I'd love to find a way to bring up the texting and driving thing with his parents in a way that doesn't make me a "snitch." I keep my ears open to possibilities with each conversation I have with the parents. So far, nothing. They are the type that's pretty trusting. My DD reported a conversation she had with the mom last night that left her aghast...mom allows the 17 year old daughter to be alone in the bedroom with her boyfriend because she "trusts" her D not to be having sex because "girls aren't as horny as boys." Ok then. My DD was like "can you believe that Mom?" My DD and I have very open and frank conversations about sex, so I'm not surprised that she reported this to me. As soon as my DD got a "serious" boyfriend she went on the pill...I don't *think* they are having sex, and I've expressed my opinion to her on why this would be a bad idea at her age, but I sure as hell ain't burying my head in the sand and just hoping they aren't doing the deed. I was a teen once myself. Newsflash: teen girls are horny as hell too.

I can't imagine the scenario that caused your teen DD to be having that specific conversation with her friend's mom. Weird.

It certainly sounds like you have a very different parenting style than this other family. That happens.

Me? It would not have a occurred to me to prohibit my teens from being alone in their rooms with any of their friends, even someone they were dating.

 

[Wishing on a star]

My DD reported a conversation she had with the mom last night that left her aghast...mom allows the 17 year old daughter to be alone in the bedroom with her boyfriend because she "trusts" her D not to be having sex because "girls aren't as horny as boys."

Ohhh my flipping Gosh!!!!!!!!!
Wow.....
This idea doesn't apply just to 'girls' either!!!! Not just to teen/young women....
Hahahahaha!!!!!!!

If this woman actually believes this... If this is her experience or 'limitation'...
Just wow...

 

[Wishing on a star]

This thread has now taken a very, interesting, turn!!!!

Posting as the mother of a now grown young man....
My son could spend all the time he wanted to with his long-time committed girlfriend... just basic curfews, limitations....
(Lucky, in a way, that his long time girlfriends parents were always the TOTAL OPPOSITE.)
The two of them could always spend time alone in his room... But, that door was not totally closed up and locked.

I am NOT sitting here, trying to look-the-other-way, while my son and his younger teen girlfriend get it on, in my home, right under my nose.

NOPE, not happening....
Not on my watch.

 

[AnnaFloridaLover]

Here, 18 means you’re an adult so no, I wouldn’t be informing his parents of anything. Like other posters I’d be more concerned with your children accepting a lift from him, thankfully your daughter sounds like she has common sense.

I was thinking the same thing. Why would anyone be informing an 18 year old's parents that he texts and drives? It very wrong but 1000s of people do it every day and telling his parents is probably not going to stop him.

As for buying him a Mercedes, they can buy him any car they want. It's their money, their business.

 

[AnnaFloridaLover]

My husband had a terrible accident the first night he had his license. And, he didn't drive again until he was 18. He paid his Dad back for every penny of the damage not covered by insurance. He worked to buy the next car he had (a complete junker). So, that probably colors our view on this issue. Needless to say, I never had a car during my teen years because I was one of 8 kids (two older than me) and our "family" had ONE vehicle, which my Dad used to drive to work. LOL. We made it work.

I'd love to find a way to bring up the texting and driving thing with his parents in a way that doesn't make me a "snitch." I keep my ears open to possibilities with each conversation I have with the parents. So far, nothing. They are the type that's pretty trusting. My DD reported a conversation she had with the mom last night that left her aghast...mom allows the 17 year old daughter to be alone in the bedroom with her boyfriend because she "trusts" her D not to be having sex because "girls aren't as horny as boys." Ok then. My DD was like "can you believe that Mom?" My DD and I have very open and frank conversations about sex, so I'm not surprised that she reported this to me. As soon as my DD got a "serious" boyfriend she went on the pill...I don't *think* they are having sex, and I've expressed my opinion to her on why this would be a bad idea at her age, but I sure as hell ain't burying my head in the sand and just hoping they aren't doing the deed. I was a teen once myself. Newsflash: teen girls are horny as hell too.

There's too much information here that's none of your business being told you by your daughter.

 

[okeydokey]

If the logistics didn’t work out she could have done what we did, walked, biked or ride the bus.

Not in our town. There is no public transportation and it is a spread out, rural community. A car (or a friend with a car) is pretty standard here. I am grateful that we are in a position to buy a used vehicle for our kids. My son was t-boned a few months after getting his car, the other driver was cited. We used the insurance money plus a little more to replace the vehicle for him. Our kids don't take advantage of our generosity so the decision was easy.

 

[luvsJack]

If the logistics didn’t work out she could have done what we did, walked, biked or ride the bus.

And that's fine for those that can do that. Not everyone can. That may be the situation of the family in the OP. Not every where has public transportation and walking/biking isn't always possible.

 

[mnrose]

I can't imagine the scenario that caused your teen DD to be having that specific conversation with her friend's mom. Weird.

It certainly sounds like you have a very different parenting style than this other family. That happens.

Me? It would not have a occurred to me to prohibit my teens from being alone in their rooms with any of their friends, even someone they were dating.

The mother brought it up to HER. The entire context was that her son was complaining that he was not allowed to be alone in his room with his boyfriend, but his sister was allowed to be alone in her room with her boyfriend. The mom said it was because she would never allow two hormonal boys be alone together, but it was 'different' with girls. Like I said, my daughter was inwardly thinking "really....you're insane." LOL. I don't prohibit my DD from being alone with her boyfriend in her room, but neither am I naive enough to think there's no hanky panky happening. I hope not. I've expressed my desire and expectations about this. But, I've also made sure there won't be any unintended pregnancies.

 

[mnrose]

And that's fine for those that can do that. Not everyone can. That may be the situation of the family in the OP. Not every where has public transportation and walking/biking isn't always possible.

We have LOUSY public transport. Biking is possible....in decent weather, which we don't have for 6 months out of the year.

 

[mnrose]

There's too much information here that's none of your business being told you by your daughter.

Wow. Really? My DD and I have a very open relationship. She told me because she found it "odd." I think she was looking for validation that her thought process wasn't skewed. Why would I EVER discourage my D from being open with me? I would find that very strange indeed.

 

[NHdisneylover]

The mother brought it up to HER. The entire context was that her son was complaining that he was not allowed to be alone in his room with his boyfriend, but his sister was allowed to be alone in her room with her boyfriend. The mom said it was because she would never allow two hormonal boys be alone together, but it was 'different' with girls. Like I said, my daughter was inwardly thinking "really....you're insane." LOL. I don't prohibit my DD from being alone with her boyfriend in her room, but neither am I naive enough to think there's no hanky panky happening. I hope not. I've expressed my desire and expectations about this. But, I've also made sure there won't be any unintended pregnancies.

yeah, that is all kinds of messed up.

 

[mnrose]

I was thinking the same thing. Why would anyone be informing an 18 year old's parents that he texts and drives? It very wrong but 1000s of people do it every day and telling his parents is probably not going to stop him.

As for buying him a Mercedes, they can buy him any car they want. It's their money, their business.

For the record, I completely agree they can do anything they want. It's just that my husband and I had a very different view....and was curious how are views stacked up with others. Some agree with me. Some don't. I would never say anything to those parents ever. Not my kid. Not my business.

 

[AnnaFloridaLover]

Wow. Really? My DD and I have a very open relationship. She told me because she found it "odd." I think she was looking for validation that her thought process wasn't skewed. Why would I EVER discourage my D from being open with me? I would find that very strange indeed.

You and your daughter are gossiping and judging parenting of this 18 year old and over inserting yourself in their business. Seems like there could be the green eye of jealousy over the Mercedes.

 

[AnnaFloridaLover]

For the record, I completely agree they can do anything they want. It's just that my husband and I had a very different view....and was curious how are views stacked up with others. Some agree with me. Some don't. I would never say anything to those parents ever. Not my kid. Not my business.

I'd love to find a way to bring up the texting and driving thing with his parents in a way that doesn't make me a "snitch." I keep my ears open to possibilities with each conversation I have with the parents. So far, nothing. They are the type that's pretty trusting. My DD reported a conversation she had with the mom last night that left her aghast...mom allows the 17 year old daughter to be alone in the bedroom with her boyfriend because she "trusts" her D not to be having sex because "girls aren't as horny as boys." Ok then. My DD was like "can you believe that Mom?" My DD and I have very open and frank conversations about sex, so I'm not surprised that she reported this to me. As soon as my DD got a "serious" boyfriend she went on the pill...I don't *think* they are having sex, and I've expressed my opinion to her on why this would be a bad idea at her age, but I sure as hell ain't burying my head in the sand and just hoping they aren't doing the deed. I was a teen once myself. Newsflash: teen girls are horny as hell too.

You say you would never say anything to the parents ever, yet you clearly are trying to find a way to do just that.

 

[Hikergirl]

I don't find it odd that kids talk to their parents about what their friend's parents do/don't do, or what is allowed in their home.
Kids do that from the beginning "but his mom lets him do XYZ" kind of thing. As kids get older it turns into talks about sex, parties, driving, and anything else that teens are doing. It's pretty normal, and your kid's friends are most likely talking to their parents about what goes on in your house.

 

[wgeo]

I think it's an interesting scenario OP.

Our kid is getting close to driving, so we're not in the situation yet and don't think we'll be getting him a car, but when I grew up my parents got each of us a car. And when my oldest brother totalled his car they got him another one. We lived very rural and there was really no way around it, to work and get to school he needed a car (no bus to his school). So I can imagine that there would be scenarios where this kid would need a car (or at least it would be really helpful to the family) and they got him one. As for it being a mercedes that doesn't mean much to me, people's finances are sooo different and you have no real idea what they paid for it off craigslist.

I think it sounds great what an open and trusting relationship you have with your daughter. I hope my daughter continues to be that open with me as she grows up.

 

[mnrose]

You say you would never say anything to the parents ever, yet you clearly are trying to find a way to do just that.

Let me clarify because I wasn't clear before. I would never say anything about the fact they bought him another car. I WOULD (if the opportunity presents itself) say something about the texting. I've known about the texting thing for over a year, and I've said nothing because no natural opportunity has presented itself, and it may never. I view the latter as a health/safety issue. The former is a parenting choice not affecting the health and safety of other people which is why I would never butt into that decision.

 

[mjkacmom]

Not his fault. However, it was his THIRD time damaging the car since the school year started. The lady rear-ended him, but I also think he's not a careful driver...and did that play into the accident? I don't know. And, the two speeding tickets. Sorry, those would be deal breakers for me on buying him a new car, let alone a "nice" car. Personally, I would have stripped him of his keys after the second incident of damage (on the theory that everyone is entitled to make a mistake, particularly while learning). Once ok. Twice? Uh no. Just no. You've obviously learned nothing from your mistake about being careful.

Dd21 knocked down our fence with a minivan 3 days after gett8ng her license, said she was never driving again (not practical). Totaled two vehicles this year (first at a slow speed, hit the car in front of her looking for a parking spot, second hydroplaned on a highway, several other vehicles did the same within an hour of her accident). She backed into a car in a parking lot (car was driving too fast, but still dd’s fault, she paid $850), and was pulled over twice for speeding (let go the first time, plead guilty to the prosecutor the second time, paid $500 instead of $250 to avoid points). She paid $3000 towards the second vehicle, we paid $3000. She works so hard at two waitressing jobs to pay room and board, and now has to uber to one of them.

She hates driving, is definitely not a reckless driver, but not the best driver (but graduating at the top of her class at her business school). Fortunately she’s on an urban campus. I feel sorry for her, one accident definitely could’ve killed her (hydroplaning). We might have to help her pay for another beater car, because she will need one.

 

[tvguy]

Barring some absolute logistical necessity where I legitimately needed my child to have a vehicle to drive, nope, I will not fund my children repetitively making poor choices. I feel like I'd never see the end of intensive, hands-on parenting if I did.

I have to ask, are his parents aware of the texting and driving? One of my daughters had an acquaintance/friend in HS who she said that about and one day she woke up to social media filled with RIP messages for him. She knew immediately how he had died and his own social media provided the proof. He had posted within a minute of the single-car accident on dry roads.

Logistics would be the key issue for me. We've had a spare car since before our kids were born, so we didn't buy either of them a car, but they had access to a car from the day they had their driver's licenses because if they didn't drive themselves, we would have to , or we would have to set up a car pool. We did do the car pool before they had their licenses. Public transit is an option, but that turns a 30 minute drive with morning traffic, into a 90 minute bus ride to school, and a 20 minute drive after school into a 90 minute ride home. 8 am school start if bad enough, but having to catch a 550 am bus is worse.

 

[luvsJack]

You and your daughter are gossiping and judging parenting of this 18 year old and over inserting yourself in their business. Seems like there could be the green eye of jealousy over the Mercedes.

Oh pooh. DD and I have gossiped about a lot of people (yes, I freely admit it. Neither of us would have the same conversations with another living soul but sometimes people do things so shocking that you have got to let it out. So we do) And believe me there is no jealousy.