Advice for mom with large age gap between children

[LongLiveRafiki]

I absolutely appreciate your concern....as I know it comes from a thoughtful place. I am going with DS to our appointment, of course he has been disciplined when aforementioned behavior occurred...... I'm not quite sure how else I can address the situation more immediately. Why would I keep my children apart? We live in the same house....not quite sure how I could do that.

I'm not the poster you quoted, but I think what they were saying about keeping your kids apart was in reference to having so many days of KNO scheduled. I think they were meaning that your son's behavior towards his sister needs to be addressed in a manner other than just placing your DD with a babysitter during half of a family trip so your DS can enjoy his trip without her.

 

[stephk1981]

Sorry for the tough love, but you need to hear it.

A child who physically abuses his baby sibling and is then taken on a first class, club-level trip where his sister is foisted off on babysitters at least 5 days of the trip is objectively spoiled.

You haven't seen behavior problems in the past because his wishes and wants have always come first. Now he has a mobile sibling (didn't matter much when the baby couldn't move and access "his" things) and he is resentful. This is natural to a certain extent but hasn't been addressed appropriately by his parents. It sounds like you're a super caring mother and you go above and beyond for your kids, however kids also need boundaries and discipline and to be taught right from wrong. Your husband sounds borderline abusive to both you and your son. I'd advise you get into personal counseling ASAP, don't wait around for December. Your husband's behavior toward your son makes me sad for your child, but it's not being handled appropriately by his involved and caring parent - you - so it will manifest in your son thinking that his attitude and abuse are not only normal but acceptable. Stop being a martyr to your husband and son. That isn't helping anyone.

I do appreciate your thoughts....but how is DS supposed to be disciplined....I have disciplined him, trust me.....I hadn't actually mentioned all of the disciplining methods I have used. I am curious what you think I should do? Are you suggesting spanking? I can't go along with that one. DH did have a long chat with him Monday night after returning from a business trip. His behavior has been great since. I agree, counseling seems to be the absolute best option. I did schedule the first appointment I could, the only other is during a time I absolutely cannot make. Your opinion is appreciated, and I am sure that your family disciplining methods work for you.....as far as DH...is he biased....yes. Is he semi negligent emotionally, sure.....abusive, no. He does not raise his voice, or physically discipline. It's a very strong accusation to say someone is ' semi abusive' without actually stepping into their family

 

[stephk1981]

Especially having the baby at home and trying to deal with DS and his issues with her. Maybe going to school could be something he gets to do on his own because he is older and would help him socialize. Help him to meet new friends, and at the same time spend time away from her. Being at home together with no other adults around mean the are together all the time.

I agree, I think this would be great for him to have something that we aren't ' in' too. I am curious as to how they would handle the situation for his CVS, and the amount of time he would be put off the classroom each hour. Do you all use the 504? How does he make up the other work? Thank you

 

[bkfamilyof5]

I do appreciate your thoughts....but how is DS supposed to be disciplined....I have disciplined him, trust me.....I hadn't actually mentioned all of the disciplining methods I have used. I am curious what you think I should do? Are you suggesting spanking? I can't go along with that one. DH did have a long chat with him Monday night after returning from a business trip. His behavior has been great since. I agree, counseling seems to be the absolute best option. I did schedule the first appointment I could, the only other is during a time I absolutely cannot make. Your opinion is appreciated, and I am sure that your family disciplining methods work for you.....as far as DH...is he biased....yes. Is he semi negligent emotionally, sure.....abusive, no. He does not raise his voice, or physically discipline. It's a very strong accusation to say someone is ' semi abusive' without actually stepping into their family

I don't spank or hit my kids or condone any form of corporal punishment. I don't think it works (science backs this up) and I think it is detrimental to a parent/child relationship. I would never recommend that type of discipline. I do reward GOOD behavior with praise and rewards, and bad behavior results in consequences that I mean and follow through on. If one of my kids behaved the way your son did they would get a consequence (time in room alone/missing out of favorite activity/loss of privilege or treat, etc.) commensurate with the the behavior committed. They also get a warning that if the behavior is repeated there will be a much stronger consequence the next time. My kids are pretty good at knowing by now that I mean what I say and they won't behave that way again. If they do, the consequence happens.

You are in denial if you think that your discipline of your son and subsequent rewarding him with a trip where your entire premise of this post is how to make it good for him/forget his sister who is now a part of your family, too, is appropriate.

You say you never do anything alone or for yourself. That is so incredibly sad and I really hope you find a way to change that. It isn't healthy for you and will eventually lead to much resentment of your husband and children if you don't take care of yourself, too.

A father who blatantly favors one child, ignores his family circumstances (doesn't help out with your children's chronic illnesses), who refuses to bend his own whims slightly for his family and is "semi negligent emotionally" certainly sounds abusive to me. I know you don't want to hear it and I'm sorry but abuse doesn't always mean raised voices or hitting. Neglect, criticism, lack of care all equate emotional abuse.

Good luck with the counseling. I highly recommend you attend sessions without your son as well as with him, and the sooner the better.

 

[stephk1981]

I know you have an appointment scheduled, and that is going to be a great help. I wanted to agree with this poster though.

No matter the circumstances, the behavior from your son is just not acceptable. I don't care how miserable he is when it comes to the baby, he should never be allowed to lay hands on her. Period. The problem is that there is a difference between understanding his anger and allowing him to act upon it. You have not only chosen to allow the physical behavior, you have taught him that he will eventually be rewarded with the removal of his sister. Your daughter will learn that she has no voice, and if she uses it, she will be sent away. In my home my kid would have a better chance of breathing underwater than getting a sibling left with a sitter after having laid one finger on the other.

The issue that compounds the problem is your husband. He not only places his personal needs and wants above those of his family, he shows approval of he little one over his son, and how do you think that will affect your boy? He will do the same, it is what he has been taught.

Mama- you need some tough love, and you need it fast. You are in an untenable situation. Frankly, I believe you would benefit from counseling, and your boy would benefit from what you learned. I have a coworker whose husband is like yours, although he is abusive to boot. He prefers one child over the others, and those kids are a cluster. My heart breaks. I truly mane this with the best intentins, and am in no way criticizing you. I think you have way too much on your plate.




Absolutely. I would toss them both together and use the trip as a bonding trip. I would not show DS that his sister is disposable if he wishes her gone.



Yeah, DH is never going to change. I figure if you cannot change the man, you either need to figure out how to live with the structure in place, and do so in a manner that is a positive impact on the rest of the family. DH could go on his hunting trip over Thanksgiving, however there would be 'Ohana for me and the kids. My neighbor developed a very close bond with my family when her first H placed his fun over the needs of his family. He resented the time she spent with us, but he could not have it both ways: galivant and leave her alone on holidays, etc, or stay home with her. Eventually she booted his carcass out, and no matter how he tells the children we are just "the neighbors" they tell us we are their 'Ohana.

I appreciate your thoughts, and reply. I agree counseling is the best answer. I have been actively trying different disciplinary action.....I haven't just said ' no no' and moved on. He has had some major incentives taken away, as well as other actions .....I do agree the behavior is unacceptable and must be handled. DH is as involved as he is going to be. He has never been abusive nor raised his voice, ( unlike your poor friends DH was.) I absolutely believe divorce is morally wrong( unless abuse of course)....so not going there. I believe in the power of prayer, DH did have a serious talk with DS when he returned home from a work trip Monday night....since then things have been good. Again I appreciate your good thoughts and sharing.

 

[stephk1981]

I don't spank or hit my kids or condone any form of corporal punishment. I don't think it works (science backs this up) and I think it is detrimental to a parent/child relationship. I would never recommend that type of discipline. I do reward GOOD behavior with praise and rewards, and bad behavior results in consequences that I mean and follow through on. If one of my kids behaved the way your son did they would get a consequence (time in room alone/missing out of favorite activity/loss of privilege or treat, etc.) commensurate with the the behavior committed. They also get a warning that if the behavior is repeated there will be a much stronger consequence the next time. My kids are pretty good at knowing by now that I mean what I say and they won't behave that way again. If they do, the consequence happens.

You are in denial if you think that your discipline of your son and subsequent rewarding him with a trip where your entire premise of this post is how to make it good for him/forget his sister who is now a part of your family, too, is appropriate.

You say you never do anything alone or for yourself. That is so incredibly sad and I really hope you find a way to change that. It isn't healthy for you and will eventually lead to much resentment of your husband and children if you don't take care of yourself, too.

A father who blatantly favors one child, ignores his family circumstances (doesn't help out with your children's chronic illnesses), who refuses to bend his own whims slightly for his family and is "semi negligent emotionally" certainly sounds abusive to me. I know you don't want to hear it and I'm sorry but abuse doesn't always mean raised voices or hitting. Neglect, criticism, lack of care all equate emotional abuse.

Good luck with the counseling. I highly recommend you attend sessions without your son as well as with him, and the sooner the better.

I agree, and have been using these tactics....I am sure you are coming from a place of wanting to help, so I appreciate your comments and good will for the future. As far as taking time for yourself ......there are only so many hours in the day right!? Lol. I don't want to miss out on my children growing just to have a day to myself every month. A day a year, sure....but more than that sounds selfish. My children didn't ask to be here, God gave them to me to enjoy time WITH them....not for me to have ' me time'. I can have ' me' time when they don't want to hang out with me anymore.

 

[otten]

I'm not the poster you quoted, but I think what they were saying about keeping your kids apart was in reference to having so many days of KNO scheduled. I think they were meaning that your son's behavior towards his sister needs to be addressed in a manner other than just placing your DD with a babysitter during half of a family trip so your DS can enjoy his trip without her.

Exactly. My interpretation of the OPs posts (which could be wrong) is that so far the solution is mostly to keep the kids separate and that's not a long term or even a good short term solution.

 

[mjkacmom]

I agree, and have been using these tactics....I am sure you are coming from a place of wanting to help, so I appreciate your comments and good will for the future. As far as taking time for yourself ......there are only so many hours in the day right!? Lol. I don't want to miss out on my children growing just to have a day to myself every month. A day a year, sure....but more than that sounds selfish. My children didn't ask to be here, God gave them to me to enjoy time WITH them....not for me to have ' me time'. I can have ' me' time when they don't want to hang out with me anymore.

But it’s also good for kids to experience being without their parents, whether it be with other kids, or other trusted adults. When mine were little, we loved getting out of the house and leaving them with grandparents or paid sitters, and the kids looked forward to this, as well. Win-win! As a SAHM,I was fortunate to have my “tribes,” other moms I got together with, with and without the kids (going axe throwing with one group this weekend). The kids get a kick hearing about what their parents do for fun.

 

[stephk1981]

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[stephk1981]

Exactly. My interpretation of the OPs posts (which could be wrong) is that so far the solution is mostly to keep the kids separate and that's not a long term or even a good short term solution.

I will admit I don't understand why you thought I wanted to keep my children apart ? I am guessing you are meaning on the trip...but to address that specifically....that is not what I meant. I just wanted in general ways to handle the trip being different with DD and DS. I have gotten some great ideas as far as allowing DS to plan a day for his sister....which he is incredibly excited about. I booked Kids night out before his behavior even began as I did know I would need help with DD a few days so that DS and I could do height restricted rides. I am sorry if I made it sound like I wanted my children separated, but no that was never an intent.

 

[stephk1981]

But it’s also good for kids to experience being without their parents, whether it be with other kids, or other trusted adults. When mine were little, we loved getting out of the house and leaving them with grandparents or paid sitters, and the kids looked forward to this, as well. Win-win! As a SAHM,I was fortunate to have my “tribes,” other moms I got together with, with and without the kids (going axe throwing with one group this weekend). The kids get a kick hearing about what their parents do for fun.

That does sound like fun! You are tremendously fortunate to have a group like that We have moved quite often, due to DH job so I haven't eatablished a friend basis here yet. We only moved about 1 1/2 hours this time...only been here just over a month, so hopefully in time I will meet friends here too !
You are very right, it is important for kids to be without parents sometimes. We only get to have that happen when DH and I are fortunate enough to go on date night, but those nights are very fun. We use to go every other month and DS would go to friends house...then said friend moved....then we moved. Honestly since DD has been born I never feel like going out, just sleeping...but it's important to make yourself I know.

 

[BLAZEY]

I agree, I think this would be great for him to have something that we aren't ' in' too. I am curious as to how they would handle the situation for his CVS, and the amount of time he would be put off the classroom each hour. Do you all use the 504? How does he make up the other work? Thank you

No sorry I don't, I just know there are kids at my daughters school that do. Some kids only go part time and work with a resource teacher in more of a study hall like setting. The education plans are tied directly to the child's medical need. Lots of time what they miss can easily be caught up in the smaller class setting. Private schools also go this as well.

 

[piglet1979]

It seems as though he would be missing 75 percent of the school day....any idea how they deal with that?

I am not sure. I know with DD's Convergence (eye issues) the teachers let her have breaks from reading or screen time if she needs it. She knows her limits. In computer class if she needs to she can finish work at home. in ELA (English Class) she can just read until she needs a break. This happened more in 4th and 5th grades but she is doing much better now after doing vision therapy. I don't know a lot about what your DS has. This is the first time I have heard of it so I did look up a little bit about it. What starts the cycle? Is it just reading and screen time? Is it staying in one area and not being able to move?

 

[2019TripIdeas]

I have no great advice on the discipline end of it (my kids are younger and we haven't dealt with things like that).

I am a teacher though and really, really encourage you to further check out the 504 options in your district. You may be pleasantly surprised at how far some schools will go to accomodate a child with health needs. I've had kids on 504s with cancer who missed weeks every month for chemo. I've had kids on 504s with chronic conditions similar to your sons who had plans in place to avoid triggering situations, provide low light or low stimulation, alternate reading materials, have their classrooms situation in close proximity to a bathroom, sunglasses worn inside, etc. In all of those cases, kiddos ended the year at or above grade level, despite missed days or times out of the classroom. I've also had kids do a combination of physical school and having teachers come out to the house to make up lessons (at no cost to the parent, and yes, in a public school), and kids who did certain elements of the curriculum online and others with peers and in a physical classroom.

 

[stephk1981]

I am not sure. I know with DD's Convergence (eye issues) the teachers let her have breaks from reading or screen time if she needs it. She knows her limits. In computer class if she needs to she can finish work at home. in ELA (English Class) she can just read until she needs a break. This happened more in 4th and 5th grades but she is doing much better now after doing vision therapy. I don't know a lot about what your DS has. This is the first time I have heard of it so I did look up a little bit about it. What starts the cycle? Is it just reading and screen time? Is it staying in one area and not being able to move?

This is great to know! I actually found our 504 coordinator online for our school district and sent a quick email to her this morning. For my son, a cycle can begin by watching TV or looking at an electronic screen for more than 10-15 minutes, as well as reading or doing bookwork. I limit all electronics to 10 minutes 3 or 4 times a day.... although he only plays a puzzle/ math game. We don't do video games and rarely ever watch TV......maybe once every couple of weeks. It is also triggered by lack of sleep....which is hard since he has a sleep disorder. He began meds at 2.5 but after titrating off each one his sleep is just as bad......we finally gave up on meds for sleep about 5 years ago. We do 15-20minutes of work currently before he needs about a 30 minute break. This continues all day. We start by 7 am and are normally not done until 4 pm. Hopefully I get an email soon. The site said they set up an evaluation.....but what is odd it says the 504 plan is for disabilities?

 

[stephk1981]

I have no great advice on the discipline end of it (my kids are younger and we haven't dealt with things like that).

I am a teacher though and really, really encourage you to further check out the 504 options in your district. You may be pleasantly surprised at how far some schools will go to accomodate a child with health needs. I've had kids on 504s with cancer who missed weeks every month for chemo. I've had kids on 504s with chronic conditions similar to your sons who had plans in place to avoid triggering situations, provide low light or low stimulation, alternate reading materials, have their classrooms situation in close proximity to a bathroom, sunglasses worn inside, etc. In all of those cases, kiddos ended the year at or above grade level, despite missed days or times out of the classroom. I've also had kids do a combination of physical school and having teachers come out to the house to make up lessons (at no cost to the parent, and yes, in a public school), and kids who did certain elements of the curriculum online and others with peers and in a physical classroom.

I am wondering how different every district is? Or is this under federal regulations. On our coordinators website it said the 504 plan covers children with disabilities and they would make ' every effort they are able to accommodate each student.' Does each county have to provide the same assistance? Or is it jurisdiction based?

We haven't been opposed to private school, we did try in Kindergarten. After 2 weeks the principal called DH and I into the school to discuss other options.....they are the ones who suggested we homeschool ( although this could be due to DS becoming I'll there every day and me having to come pick him up), we moved fairly often anyway, so we decided that made sense. Was it just that school, or would a private school normally be more willing to work with us? I also want DS to be able to continue to work at the grade level we are currently on, as he is doing very well academically....would we have more luck in private school with this? Or Montessori? Or will a public school allow him to move up to his academic level, not age level( our school system do s not have a gifted program here)? Thank you for your information!

 

[tinkerjo]

It can also be for medical disabilities. My DS20 is a type 1 diabetic and had a 504 plan in place so if his blood sugar was high or low he wasn’t held to take a test, check his BS or go to the office as needed, etc. He never needed it, as he is well controlled, but was there if he did.and this is federal law

 

[stephk1981]

It can also be for medical disabilities. My DS20 is a type 1 diabetic and had a 504 plan in place so if his blood sugar was high or low he wasn’t held to take a test, check his BS or go to the office as needed, etc. He never needed it, as he is well controlled, but was there if he did.and this is federal law

Ah okay, is this funded federally though or by district? As if it is funded by county some counties may offer some services that others aren't able to due to funding. Would I have a better chance with private school?

 

[tinkerjo]

Ah okay, is this funded federally though or by district? As if it is funded by county some counties may offer some services that others aren't able to due to funding. Would I have a better chance with private school?

You are better off in public school. Private schools are not typically equipped for kids with ny special needs. I assume it is federal money. He would get free counseling if you choose, special adaptations that are needed, PT,OTspeech, 1 on 1 etc. I am a nurse and have accompanied special needs kids at school. Basically you come up with a plan yearly as to best help your child be successful

 

[2019TripIdeas]

I think every public school is required to make every effort possible to meet the needs of every child. A private school would NOT be required to meet the needs, legally. I've taught in private schools and public, and have experienced both things you're asking for (health accommodations plus grade-level/academic accommodations in both). I would say more years than not, I've had children that were sent up to higher grades for math/reading/etc, or I received students from younger grades in my room for Guided Reading, etc. You might also be surprised at how much differentiation occurs in many districts. I've been able to cohesively teach students with a "reading level" range of 8+ years when I was teaching fifth grade (i.e. some kids at a 2nd grade reading level, others who were proficient at high school level) by doing guided reading groups, rotations, creatively utilizing classroom aides, co-teaching, etc. Being in a school doesn't mean your child would be "held back" at a lower level. I understand homeschooling might have met his needs well so far, but the next few years might be a good time to try something different (especially as his sister gets more mobile/needs more attention, etc)

Has your child's CVS shown any improvement overall since Kindergarten? I've known (and taught) a child who struggled with something similar [hers was nervousness induced but the cycles could go for a LONG time] and she is now in 7th or 8th grade and manages it independently herself at school without issue.