Advice for mom with large age gap between children

[mjkacmom]

Baby gates can be great! Your school system sounds incredibly accommodating I wish we had something like this! Thank you

It’s not her school system, it’s the law! You son should have a 504 for his issues, they have to provide a free appropriate public education to every student, even if it involves having someone come to your home.

 

[BLAZEY]

It’s not her school system, it’s the law! You son should have a 504 for his issues, they have to provide a free appropriate public education to every student, even if it involves having someone come to your home.

You're right it is the law. I'm in Canada but I'm sure the USA must have something similar that ENTITLES each student to be accomodated in the public school system for medical issues that make it difficult to attend

 

[otten]

DS10 had been very used to being an only child. DH only goes to Disney with us every couple of years, so a few times a year it had only been DS and I on the trips. DD is now 12 months old. On her first trip with us, she was only 6 months and I wore her in a carrier mostly. Plus DH joined us for half of that trip so that DS could do rides that we couldn't go on with DD. We will be back at Disney in a couple of weeks, just myself, DD and DS.

DS had been so good with DD until 6 weeks ago, about the time she started taking steps. He is now very impatient with her. She likes to follow him, and when she does, he will push her back out of rooms and slam the door in her face. Now that she is walking well, he also gets very frustrated at the pace we must go. This is very new behavior from him. I try to spend an hour individual time with him during DD nap.
I am beginning to worry about the trip, as he has begun making comments about not wanting DD there. We do not have family to leave her with, and DH goes hunting for 2 weeks this time every year. I have booked KNO for DD five out of the 10 days to spend one on one time with DS, but he is still saying the trip ' won't be the same' .
Any strategies for dealing with this? Or just tell DS this is life now, get on board? I don't want to be unsympathetic to him, but I don't know what more I can do. He asked for a sibling for years, I know it's a change, but the past 6 weeks have been nuts with him.
( And in case anyone is wondering, DD was a surprise; but a good one. This is also with same DH so DS did not have to get ' used' to a new relationship or step dad etc.)
Thank you for any advice!

No the trip won't be the same and life isn't the same once you add another child but don't let your DS dictate what the trip or life should be like. It sounds like you've done more than enough to balance his needs with hers and why should she stay home?

Maybe I'm terribly mean but if it were me and he said another word about leaving my other child behind he'd be the one staying home or with a sitter at the hotel. His behavior is unacceptable imo.

 

[mjkacmom]

You're right it is the law. I'm in Canada but I'm sure the USA must have something similar that ENTITLES each student to be accomodated in the public school system for medical issues that make it difficult to attend

Yes we do, IDEA. Here’s some info on a chronic illness 504
https://www.noodle.com/articles/how-504-plans-can-help-children-with-chronic-illnesses

 

[BLAZEY]

Yes we do, IDEA. Here’s some info on a chronic illness 504
https://www.noodle.com/articles/how-504-plans-can-help-children-with-chronic-illnesses

Looks very similar to ours here. The whole point is to keep children IN the public school system. Children with chronic illnesses can not be denied their right to public education. I've seen technology used to keep students engaged with their classmates while unable to attend classes in person and helps the classmate keep in contact with their ill / injured peer.

 

[disneymoon0606 2.0]

For this vacation I would either let DS bring a friend along to ride the rides with, or I would bring a trusted older teen or young adult that I knew to help with the baby while we’re in the parks.

 

[bkfamilyof5]

No the trip won't be the same and life isn't the same once you add another child but don't let your DS dictate what the trip or life should be like. It sounds like you've done more than enough to balance his needs with hers and why should she stay home?

Maybe I'm terribly mean but if it were me and he said another word about leaving my other child behind he'd be the one staying home or with a sitter at the hotel. His behavior is unacceptable imo.

I completely agree. If any of my kids behaved that way toward their sibling (or me) I would immediately cancel the trip. I don’t reward bad behavior. He sounds extremely spoiled and catered-to, and will end up making your life and his little sister’s pretty miserable if you don’t check his behavior soon. Stop making excuses for him. He’s 10, not 4!!

 

[stephk1981]

It’s not her school system, it’s the law! You son should have a 504 for his issues, they have to provide a free appropriate public education to every student, even if it involves having someone come to your home.

Honestly we haven't looked into it since we moved here, I'm not doubting you all are right! We have just liked homeschooling. After I finished law school, I took a different path and actually began teaching at a high school right before getting pregnant with DS( and I loved teaching!), DH job used to travel often, so it made sense to homeschool( especially with CVS.) I don't mind it at all, I like being able to allow DS to advance beyond what a school setting would allow. School is one area we don't have a huge problem in. Thank you for the information though, it's good to know that they have this benefit for those unable to attend school!

 

[stephk1981]

Thank you

 

[stephk1981]

No the trip won't be the same and life isn't the same once you add another child but don't let your DS dictate what the trip or life should be like. It sounds like you've done more than enough to balance his needs with hers and why should she stay home?

Maybe I'm terribly mean but if it were me and he said another word about leaving my other child behind he'd be the one staying home or with a sitter at the hotel. His behavior is unacceptable imo.

I completely agree. If any of my kids behaved that way toward their sibling (or me) I would immediately cancel the trip. I don’t reward bad behavior. He sounds extremely spoiled and catered-to, and will end up making your life and his little sister’s pretty miserable if you don’t check his behavior soon. Stop making excuses for him. He’s 10, not 4!!

Thank you so much for your opinion . While I don't necessarily agree with it, all opinions are welcomed and appreciated. I would agree if this hadn't just begun a couple of months ago, but until then we have never had a behavior problem. So it seemed startling to me, my sweet loving DS went MIA drastically overnight. Although I'm not certain how you can call a child spoiled if you don't know them or have never interacted with them. Thanks again for your thoughts

 

[mjkacmom]

Honestly we haven't looked into it since we moved here, I'm not doubting you all are right! We have just liked homeschooling. After I finished law school, I took a different path and actually began teaching at a high school right before getting pregnant with DS( and I loved teaching!), DH job used to travel often, so it made sense to homeschool( especially with CVS.) I don't mind it at all, I like being able to allow DS to advance beyond what a school setting would allow. School is one area we don't have a huge problem in. Thank you for the information though, it's good to know that they have this benefit for those unable to attend school!

But didn’t you reply earlier that you wish you didn’t have to homeschool, and it would be good for your ds to attend school?

 

[stephk1981]

But didn’t you reply earlier that you wish you didn’t have to homeschool, and it would be good for your ds to attend school?

It is very tiring yes....after not sleeping all night. I should have clarified.....If I sent him to school he would be able to be around other children for socialization, which I feel is important. As it is I take him to homeschool meetups, plus co ops....so it would be easier on me for him to go to school. Not better for him academically, but socially ( without running me ragged!) He would have to be in the 4th or 5 th grade , and academically he would be bored....our course work has advanced much higher than his actual ' state grade level'. With CVS he is also able to do 15-20 minutes of course work at home then break for 30 as needed to not cause a cycle. DS loves the mathmindboggle puzzles but I have to limit this since he loves to do it on his iPad....he is allowed 10 minutes 4 times a day......otherwise it will cause a CVS cycle. I have NOT checked the site you recommended, I will look into what they offer though. I don't know if they would allow him to do the work at his rate to avoid a CVS outbreak or allow him to progress at the pace he has been.....if they will, I am all for someone coming to our home. We are in Glynn county in GA.
Edit:
I do see where they have tutors and special testing plans.....I can sign him up for evaluation I see for section 504 or idea plan, I'm not sure how they would work with that, but worth a try! Thank you for the link! I had no idea that they might be able to accommodate my DS. I am also wondering if they would possibly allow him to test and put him at whatever grade level he tests into or at least move him up. I know the last county moved a boy down the street up by only one grade after the mom requested and they did test him. This would be amazing option for us.

 

[BLAZEY]

It is very tiring yes....after not sleeping all night. I should have clarified.....If I sent him to school he would be able to be around other children for socialization, which I feel is important. As it is I take him to homeschool meetups, plus co ops....so it would be easier on me for him to go to school. Not better for him academically, but socially ( without running me ragged!) He would have to be in the 4th or 5 th grade , and academically he would be bored....our course work has advanced much higher than his actual ' state grade level'. With CVS he is also able to do 15-20 minutes of course work at home then break for 30 as needed to not cause a cycle. DS loves the mathmindboggle puzzles but I have to limit this since he loves to do it on his iPad....he is allowed 10 minutes 4 times a day......otherwise it will cause a CVS cycle. I have NOT checked the site you recommended, I will look into what they offer though. I don't know if they would allow him to do the work at his rate to avoid a CVS outbreak or allow him to progress at the pace he has been.....if they will, I am all for someone coming to our home. We are in Glynn county in GA.
Edit:
I do see where they have tutors and special testing plans.....I can sign him up for evaluation I see for section 504 or idea plan, I'm not sure how they would work with that, but worth a try! Thank you for the link! I had no idea that they might be able to accommodate my DS. I am also wondering if they would possibly allow him to test and put him at whatever grade level he tests into or at least move him up. I know the last county moved a boy down the street up by only one grade after the mom requested and they did test him. This would be amazing option for us.

Especially having the baby at home and trying to deal with DS and his issues with her. Maybe going to school could be something he gets to do on his own because he is older and would help him socialize. Help him to meet new friends, and at the same time spend time away from her. Being at home together with no other adults around mean the are together all the time.

 

[Nancyg56]

Yikes! Your son is being aggressive towards his toddler sister, and you're rewarding him with a long trip to WDW, including flying first class and staying club level? Honey, you need to learn to say "No" and be the parent here! How fair is it to your daughter that she's getting foisted off on a babysitter, day after day? This whole situation sounds like a hot mess. Your husband is clearly able to put his own needs above the family's (hunting trip), and you're teaching your son to do the exact same thing (stick the sister in a hotel room for hours on end, while he enjoys the parks).

I think your son would benefit from counseling. The way he treats his sister is not okay--fairly common, but still, not okay. He's used to the world revolving around him, and I can see how that would be tough to give up.

I hope I'm not coming off as too harsh, I just think you need a wake-up call on this situation. You really, really don't want to raise a son who thinks his desires are all that matter. And you really, really don't want to raise a daughter who thinks that her needs come in second to a man's.

I know you have an appointment scheduled, and that is going to be a great help. I wanted to agree with this poster though.

No matter the circumstances, the behavior from your son is just not acceptable. I don't care how miserable he is when it comes to the baby, he should never be allowed to lay hands on her. Period. The problem is that there is a difference between understanding his anger and allowing him to act upon it. You have not only chosen to allow the physical behavior, you have taught him that he will eventually be rewarded with the removal of his sister. Your daughter will learn that she has no voice, and if she uses it, she will be sent away. In my home my kid would have a better chance of breathing underwater than getting a sibling left with a sitter after having laid one finger on the other.

The issue that compounds the problem is your husband. He not only places his personal needs and wants above those of his family, he shows approval of he little one over his son, and how do you think that will affect your boy? He will do the same, it is what he has been taught.

Mama- you need some tough love, and you need it fast. You are in an untenable situation. Frankly, I believe you would benefit from counseling, and your boy would benefit from what you learned. I have a coworker whose husband is like yours, although he is abusive to boot. He prefers one child over the others, and those kids are a cluster. My heart breaks. I truly mane this with the best intentins, and am in no way criticizing you. I think you have way too much on your plate.

Ok I hope I don’t get flamed for my comments but I had a late in life baby that was a surprise and my children (4) have large age differences. I also have a husband that works a stressful job and loves his hunting/fishing trips with the guys. I allow him to go without hesitation. We always try and take a vacation on our own when he goes. One of our best ideas was taking a friend with us for the older kids. This gave them a friend to ride with. Also I think your son knows it makes you feel bad to complain about his sister and uses it against you. I’m more of the “suck it up buttercup” type of parent. He’s old enough to understand that this is permanent and unless he has any behavioral health issues, he will get over it. I personally wouldn’t even use a babysitter. To me it teaches him that if he complains enough you will get rid of her. But that being said, Don’t let people tell you how to parent, or tell you that you are a bad parent( for heavens sake your taking your kids to WDW).

Absolutely. I would toss them both together and use the trip as a bonding trip. I would not show DS that his sister is disposable if he wishes her gone.

Excellent idea... I would address this as a systemic family issue (not just a DS issue). Have you considered DS is acting out because as you mentioned earlier DH pays way more attention to DD which is likely making DS more angry and resentful as DD gets older? DH's behaviors are not helping DS to adjust to his sister and the negative impact will likely grow worse over the years if not addressed with DH. Hope the therapist helps!!

Yeah, DH is never going to change. I figure if you cannot change the man, you either need to figure out how to live with the structure in place, and do so in a manner that is a positive impact on the rest of the family. DH could go on his hunting trip over Thanksgiving, however there would be 'Ohana for me and the kids. My neighbor developed a very close bond with my family when her first H placed his fun over the needs of his family. He resented the time she spent with us, but he could not have it both ways: galivant and leave her alone on holidays, etc, or stay home with her. Eventually she booted his carcass out, and no matter how he tells the children we are just "the neighbors" they tell us we are their 'Ohana.

 

[bkfamilyof5]

Thank you so much for your opinion . While I don't necessarily agree with it, all opinions are welcomed and appreciated. I would agree if this hadn't just begun a couple of months ago, but until then we have never had a behavior problem. So it seemed startling to me, my sweet loving DS went MIA drastically overnight. Although I'm not certain how you can call a child spoiled if you don't know them or have never interacted with them. Thanks again for your thoughts

Sorry for the tough love, but you need to hear it.

A child who physically abuses his baby sibling and is then taken on a first class, club-level trip where his sister is foisted off on babysitters at least 5 days of the trip is objectively spoiled.

You haven't seen behavior problems in the past because his wishes and wants have always come first. Now he has a mobile sibling (didn't matter much when the baby couldn't move and access "his" things) and he is resentful. This is natural to a certain extent but hasn't been addressed appropriately by his parents. It sounds like you're a super caring mother and you go above and beyond for your kids, however kids also need boundaries and discipline and to be taught right from wrong. Your husband sounds borderline abusive to both you and your son. I'd advise you get into personal counseling ASAP, don't wait around for December. Your husband's behavior toward your son makes me sad for your child, but it's not being handled appropriately by his involved and caring parent - you - so it will manifest in your son thinking that his attitude and abuse are not only normal but acceptable. Stop being a martyr to your husband and son. That isn't helping anyone.

 

[gulliesmom]

Maybe have him talk to a counselor? My kids are close in age, but there is a 6 1/2 gap between #1 and #4/#5, and my oldest always favored the youngest when they were little. Your son has had a year to adjust to not being the center of attention, and pushing/slamming doors on a one year old is not okay. With my kids, there was always the time when babies started crawling and getting into older siblings things, which caused resentment and anger, but these were teaching times (harder because they were 2/3/4/5).

THIS. I am surprised a 10 year-old would do this to a baby, jealous or not.

 

[otten]

So I don't say this lightly and I don't want to upset you but I think it's worth mentioning. An acquaintance of mine ultimately lost custody of her children because her oldest child was abusing her youngest and not enough was done to stop it. You really REALLY need to address this now and not just by keeping your kids apart.

Your son's behavior is hugely problematic and may well escalate if nothing is done to stop it. Postpone the trip. Go to family counselling and then rebook as a celebration for achieving better family dynamics.

 

[piglet1979]

My husband is 21 years older then his sister. She still lived at home until he moved out when we got engaged. He loved her but you could tell that he had issues around having a little sister too. He was older and could handle it better but he was very adamit about things dealing with his sister. He had a lock on his door and a baby gate. She was only allowed to come in if he wanted her too and it was not very often. This did not have a relationship until recently. She is 18 now.

I am 10 and 13 years older then my younger brothers. I didn't see them much growing up as my parents were divorced and then my dad and step mom (my brothers mom) divorced when they were young. I really wanted nothing to do with them though. I was older and wanted to be with my friends. Once I grew up and was ready to be around family more the were at that stage. We are close now as we are in our 20's and 30's.

Things will get better as he gets older. I think that you DD being mobile now caused some of the issues. Also, having his friend move away may be causing some of it too. he might be feeling a bit depressed and taking it out on his sister. Still not ok. I think going to therapy will help a lot. My DD is in therapy right now for anxiety and it has really helped her.

As for the school sand the 504 plans, they can be great. My DD has one for her vision issues and her anxiety. If we want we can put in her plan that if she feels that she needs to step out and get her self together she can do so. We have not added this as I think this will turn into getting out of work or at least trying. We really don'y have anything on her plan right now but it is there is we need to.

I hope you have a great trip!

 

[stephk1981]

So I don't say this lightly and I don't want to upset you but I think it's worth mentioning. An acquaintance of mine ultimately lost custody of her children because her oldest child was abusing her youngest and not enough was done to stop it. You really REALLY need to address this now and not just by keeping your kids apart.

Your son's behavior is hugely problematic and may well escalate if nothing is done to stop it. Postpone the trip. Go to family counselling and then rebook as a celebration for achieving better family dynamics.

I absolutely appreciate your concern....as I know it comes from a thoughtful place. I am going with DS to our appointment, of course he has been disciplined when aforementioned behavior occurred...... I'm not quite sure how else I can address the situation more immediately. Why would I keep my children apart? We live in the same house....not quite sure how I could do that.

 

[stephk1981]

My husband is 21 years older then his sister. She still lived at home until he moved out when we got engaged. He loved her but you could tell that he had issues around having a little sister too. He was older and could handle it better but he was very adamit about things dealing with his sister. He had a lock on his door and a baby gate. She was only allowed to come in if he wanted her too and it was not very often. This did not have a relationship until recently. She is 18 now.

I am 10 and 13 years older then my younger brothers. I didn't see them much growing up as my parents were divorced and then my dad and step mom (my brothers mom) divorced when they were young. I really wanted nothing to do with them though. I was older and wanted to be with my friends. Once I grew up and was ready to be around family more the were at that stage. We are close now as we are in our 20's and 30's.

Things will get better as he gets older. I think that you DD being mobile now caused some of the issues. Also, having his friend move away may be causing some of it too. he might be feeling a bit depressed and taking it out on his sister. Still not ok. I think going to therapy will help a lot. My DD is in therapy right now for anxiety and it has really helped her.

As for the school sand the 504 plans, they can be great. My DD has one for her vision issues and her anxiety. If we want we can put in her plan that if she feels that she needs to step out and get her self together she can do so. We have not added this as I think this will turn into getting out of work or at least trying. We really don'y have anything on her plan right now but it is there is we need to.

I hope you have a great trip!

Thank you so very much for sharing your experience! I am confident things are turning around. DH is not always home, as he also travels for work often....he had a long talk with DS this past Monday after dinner.....fingers crossed that will help. His behavior since then has been golden.

Yes, I would really like to check out the 504 plan. DS is normally good reading/ writing etc for 15-20 minutes before he begins feeling I'll, then a 20-30 minute break helps. This encompasses our day.... thankfully he does work diligently, I am wondering how that would work in a normal school though? It seems as though he would be missing 75 percent of the school day....any idea how they deal with that?