Advice for mom with large age gap between children

[stephk1981]

I think every public school is required to make every effort possible to meet the needs of every child. A private school would NOT be required to meet the needs, legally. I've taught in private schools and public, and have experienced both things you're asking for (health accommodations plus grade-level/academic accommodations in both). I would say more years than not, I've had children that were sent up to higher grades for math/reading/etc, or I received students from younger grades in my room for Guided Reading, etc. You might also be surprised at how much differentiation occurs in many districts. I've been able to cohesively teach students with a "reading level" range of 8+ years when I was teaching fifth grade (i.e. some kids at a 2nd grade reading level, others who were proficient at high school level) by doing guided reading groups, rotations, creatively utilizing classroom aides, co-teaching, etc. Being in a school doesn't mean your child would be "held back" at a lower level. I understand homeschooling might have met his needs well so far, but the next few years might be a good time to try something different (especially as his sister gets more mobile/needs more attention, etc)

Has your child's CVS shown any improvement overall since Kindergarten? I've known (and taught) a child who struggled with something similar [hers was nervousness induced but the cycles could go for a LONG time] and she is now in 7th or 8th grade and manages it independently herself at school without issue.

It definitely used to be more manageable than it is now. Even with the strides we take, he normally has on average 12-15 days out of each month. It used to be 5-7. CVS didn't present until he was 3.

 

[jerseygal]

As a Mom of 2 sons, eight and a quarter years apart, would not do that trip alone without your DH help, would have to consider something as an alternate. Do the trip when you can get help. HOPE that all works out with the two children and what sounds like resentment toward the baby. Our older son “gave up” a lot when his younger brother was little, BUT we were very blessed that our older son was exceptionally nuturing and good with his little brother. Never did we get asked if the boys were from the same marriage. Quite thrilling to hear the younger brothers incredible Best Man speech at our older son and DIL wedding this past summer. We were SO PROUD, I still cry when I see the video. I hope for you that as the little one grows, they become very close. Hope also that your DH can join the family on a fun vacation!As someone else has said, it will get better!

 

[stephk1981]

As a Mom of 2 sons, eight and a quarter years apart, would not do that trip alone without your DH help, would have to consider something as an alternate. Do the trip when you can get help. HOPE that all works out with the two children and what sounds like resentment toward the baby. Our older son “gave up” a lot when his younger brother was little, BUT we were very blessed that our older son was exceptionally nuturing and good with his little brother. Never did we get asked if the boys were from the same marriage. Quite thrilling to hear the younger brothers incredible Best Man speech at our older son and DIL wedding this past summer. We were SO PROUD, I still cry when I see the video. I hope for you that as the little one grows, they become very close. Hope also that your DH can join the family on a fun vacation!

Thank you for sharing and your words of encouragement! So glad your boys have turned out to be so close

 

[piglet1979]

This is great to know! I actually found our 504 coordinator online for our school district and sent a quick email to her this morning. For my son, a cycle can begin by watching TV or looking at an electronic screen for more than 10-15 minutes, as well as reading or doing bookwork. I limit all electronics to 10 minutes 3 or 4 times a day.... although he only plays a puzzle/ math game. We don't do video games and rarely ever watch TV......maybe once every couple of weeks. It is also triggered by lack of sleep....which is hard since he has a sleep disorder. He began meds at 2.5 but after titrating off each one his sleep is just as bad......we finally gave up on meds for sleep about 5 years ago. We do 15-20minutes of work currently before he needs about a 30 minute break. This continues all day. We start by 7 am and are normally not done until 4 pm. Hopefully I get an email soon. The site said they set up an evaluation.....but what is odd it says the 504 plan is for disabilities?

The screen time at school will very from school to school. The district I am in they are only on in computer class and maybe on occasion in other classes. Like if they are writing a paper in English. The district that my mom teaches in give chrome books to every student starting in Kindergarten and just about everything they do is on the computer. In our district it sounds like you son might do ok with having breaks at times. I am pretty sure they don't even read text books. It is more talking and teaching then having the kids read stuff. My sons social studies teacher is doing an escape room to learn about Athens, Greece. They do a lot of this fun teaching stuff rather then sit and read from a text book.

A 504 plan does not have to be for a physical disability. ADHD, anxiety, eye issues, really anything that can hinder the child from learning. You just have to have a diagnosis. We couldn't add DD's anxiety until this year because we never officially got a diagnosis until June but we all knew that this was the issue since Kindergarten. It just got out of control last year.

I also want to say that their is nothing wrong with homeschooling. If it works for you do it. Most of my cousins have been home schooled. Having him involved in activities like you mentioned help with the social part that he is missing.

You are a great mom and doing everything you can to help your son. I know how you are feeling. With DD's anxiety I felt like the worst mom. I didn't know what to do with her. i got annoyed with her always hanging on me. She is 11. I need some space but I knew she needed me too. DH was not on board with taking her to therapy when I told him we needed to do something. His theory is she just needs to get over it. That is not what she needed. It spiraled out of control to the point she was in the ER all day last March because she couldn't see. According to the dr. she could but her brain was too stressed and telling her she couldn't. So just know you are a great mom doing everything you can for your kids.

I am wondering how different every district is? Or is this under federal regulations. On our coordinators website it said the 504 plan covers children with disabilities and they would make ' every effort they are able to accommodate each student.' Does each county have to provide the same assistance? Or is it jurisdiction based?

The 504 plan is federal I think.

Was it just that school, or would a private school normally be more willing to work with us?

A private school does not have to follow the sames rules as the public school. They do not have to accommodate any student.

Or Montessori?

I worked at a Montessori preschool/daycare. They do get to move faster or slower in subjects. I have seen 4 year olds multiplying and dividing but only at leave in reading. What they like they will excel at. What they don't like they will be pushed to stay at grade level. This might be a better option with your sons CVS. You would just want to talk to the school a head of time to make sure. The kids move at their pace.

 

[stephk1981]

The screen time at school will very from school to school. The district I am in they are only on in computer class and maybe on occasion in other classes. Like if they are writing a paper in English. The district that my mom teaches in give chrome books to every student starting in Kindergarten and just about everything they do is on the computer. In our district it sounds like you son might do ok with having breaks at times. I am pretty sure they don't even read text books. It is more talking and teaching then having the kids read stuff. My sons social studies teacher is doing an escape room to learn about Athens, Greece. They do a lot of this fun teaching stuff rather then sit and read from a text book.

A 504 plan does not have to be for a physical disability. ADHD, anxiety, eye issues, really anything that can hinder the child from learning. You just have to have a diagnosis. We couldn't add DD's anxiety until this year because we never officially got a diagnosis until June but we all knew that this was the issue since Kindergarten. It just got out of control last year.

I also want to say that their is nothing wrong with homeschooling. If it works for you do it. Most of my cousins have been home schooled. Having him involved in activities like you mentioned help with the social part that he is missing.

You are a great mom and doing everything you can to help your son. I know how you are feeling. With DD's anxiety I felt like the worst mom. I didn't know what to do with her. i got annoyed with her always hanging on me. She is 11. I need some space but I knew she needed me too. DH was not on board with taking her to therapy when I told him we needed to do something. His theory is she just needs to get over it. That is not what she needed. It spiraled out of control to the point she was in the ER all day last March because she couldn't see. According to the dr. she could but her brain was too stressed and telling her she couldn't. So just know you are a great mom doing everything you can for your kids.



The 504 plan is federal I think.



A private school does not have to follow the sames rules as the public school. They do not have to accommodate any student.



I worked at a Montessori preschool/daycare. They do get to move faster or slower in subjects. I have seen 4 year olds multiplying and dividing but only at leave in reading. What they like they will excel at. What they don't like they will be pushed to stay at grade level. This might be a better option with your sons CVS. You would just want to talk to the school a head of time to make sure. The kids move at their pace.

Thank you so much for sharing this! Not that o am happy your daughter has had a hard time, but sharing this made me feel A LOT less alone! I think sometimes a lot of DH maybe arwnar as sympathetic towards anxiety or ADHD etc.....my DH used to tell DS to suck it up when he was sick with CVS.....but I think a lot of that came from the way his parents were with him.

I can't tell you how very much your kind words and encouragement meant. It made my day a bit brighter
I will definitely look into Montessori schools then, and another poster talked about magnet science schools.....looking into both! Thank you, and good luck to your family. Anxiety can definitely be debilitating, I hope your daughter will be able to work through hers.

 

[LSUmiss]

Imo, and don't take this the wrong way or personal, DH isn't going to change. That is what it is.
DS is jealous you can't give him 100% attn. as much as you might want to give him more attention you can't. You can't because you have DD AND DS needs to learn this is the new life. It will be hard for him but you can't bend over backwards to make him happy. The sooner he realizes that making memories WITH DD the better everything will be.
I recommend taking a strong stance and informing him that if he wants to continue to do these fun FAMILY things that he needs to be a team player. make him understand that when he is a team player vs pushing her away and closing the door, that he is helping you and that will bring benefits and rewards

Imo hard to push the message of being a team player when DH clearly isn’t.

 

[MudQueen22]

My kids are 5.5 years apart.
My older one, DD, was very excited to get a new sibling, but she definitely experienced a lot of shock when we brought him home.

We spend a lot of time teaching her that we need to celebrate others in our life, and it's not all about me/us. When we go to parties, it's not about the treat bag, but about celebrating our friend and trying to pick out a gift they will like. We work on teaching her to honor us (parents), her grandparents, and her teachers.

Most of us are naturally selfish individuals, and your DS (or any child, for that matter) is no exception. He's being selfish--plain and simple.

Call his attention to it. Let him know that life is different now, but it can also be better. When my DD gets frustrated with my DS, I remind her that God blessed her with another person in the family to love, and that they should always be there for each other. We remind her that when she was young and the only one, she got all the attention. And now, it's time to rise up and grow into the person God wants her to be, and that does not include selfishness. It's time to celebrate her younger brother, just as she wants us to celebrate her.

It sounds like your dh is very hands-off with the kids. I hate that for you. It sounds like you realize that you cannot change a grown man, and you're looking for ways to address issues with your children yourself. Kudos to you for that.

I wouldn't put dd in the daycare the entire time you're there. That's not fair to her, and it sends the wrong message to him. DS sounds spoiled, and I wouldn't cave to him any further. If he wants to belly-ache, remind him that Disney trips are a special privilege, and no one is entitled to them. If you think this is going to be miserable (and from what you've described, I suspect it will be), I would cancel the trip and reschedule for a time either Dh or a friend or relative can go with you.

Also, I think you're wise to seek counseling, even if you go alone. You have a lot on your plate, and a counselor can help you better determine what can be delegated, what can be let go entirely, and what's yours to tackle head-on.

I wish the best for you and your family. You sound like you have a heart of gold.

 

[North of Mouse]

Our second and third children are 12 years apart - sons - oldest is dd. And yes, same parents took us that long!

We had some sibling rivalry, but as it developed, we nipped it in the bud and made it clear it was, what it was, and older ds's place was not taken, but shared. We tried to be very considerate and understanding with older ds's privacy and made the little one respect that as he grew. We tolerated no pushing/shoving or otherwise physical interaction, but always was there for ds's concerns. It all worked out.

So, yes, I would have taken (did take them) on short trips and never had very many issues. The older one is definitely old enough to be reasoned with.

 

[KateMW]

I didn't read any of the replies but my kids are 9.5 years apart and that's just life. I try to do things with both of them one on one, in fact we are bringing my younger to WDW just the three of us while sister stays home in school in a month and she got two Disney trips before he was born to herself. But in the end, they both have to live in our family and they both have to learn to deal with it...he doesn't get to follow her everywhere, she doesn't get to have spend the night company because her room is right next to his, she babysits him, he has to have quiet time when she's working on homework. Everybody makes sacrifices.

 

[tinkerjo]

I didn't read any of the replies but my kids are 9.5 years apart and that's just life. I try to do things with both of them one on one, in fact we are bringing my younger to WDW just the three of us while sister stays home in school in a month and she got two Disney trips before he was born to herself. But in the end, they both have to live in our family and they both have to learn to deal with it...he doesn't get to follow her everywhere, she doesn't get to have spend the night company because her room is right next to his, she babysits him, he has to have quiet time when she's working on homework. Everybody makes sacrifices.

I’m sorry, don’t know how old the kids are currently, but there is NO WAY I am leaving one behind while I take the other to WDW. No way no how, not doing it!!!!!!

 

[KateMW]

I’m sorry, don’t know how old the kids are currently, but there is NO WAY I am leaving one behind while I take the other to WDW. No way no how, not doing it!!!!!!

My kids are almost 5 and 14 now. I wasn't suggesting that you leave one home? She got a birthday trip to London by herself at 13 and her brother is getting to spend his 5th birthday at Disney. Having alone time/special trips for both of them is very important to us though. And it was my daughter's choice not to come with us, her brother invited her but she needs to stay home and do schoolwork. She got elected to student council and doesn't want to miss.

 

[QueenIsabella]

My kids are almost 5 and 14 now. I wasn't suggesting that you leave one home? She got a birthday trip to London by herself at 13 and her brother is getting to spend his 5th birthday at Disney. Having alone time/special trips for both of them is very important to us though. And it was my daughter's choice not to come with us, her brother invited her but she needs to stay home and do schoolwork. She got elected to student council and doesn't want to miss.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with leaving a child home--so long as they make the decision (or are at least involved in it). Our older son is 21, and chose to stay home from a family trip to Europe last summer. I would have loved for him to come, but he hates heat and crowds, and really didn't want to go. Instead, he signed up for a summer class, and watched the house/cats while we were gone. It gets tricky as kids get older--in HS, they have serious courses (no missing a few days for a trip), or they have serious sports (they can be benched if they miss even summer practices), and they definitely have strong opinions.

As a compromise for our older son, I told him, if he ever goes to Italy (in the off-season), that I would treat him to an after-hours Vatican Tour--this was a highlight of our trip, and very uncrowded. We've also talked about going back to Europe and seeing less-touristy countries--skip London, Paris, and Rome, and maybe do Croatia, Romania, and other Eastern European countries that are also beautiful. That would be more his style.

 

[lookame]

I have a large age gap between my two kids. My daughter is 4 and my son is 12. We did a lot of talking with him before her birth and after when she was an infant. He really had no interest in her until she began to walk and while he tries to play and include her he’s often rough with her. With our trip I’ve discussed what he wants to do and what DD wants to do and I’ve scheduled things they both want. Outside of that I’ve talked to my son in depth so he knows this trip is not about him. He’s been spoiled in the past with trips for just him and this is his sisters first time so we need to include her and do things she can and wants to do. In your situation I would sit down with him alone and talk about what he needs to expect during the trip and the possible consequences should he act out. Be understand by saying “I understand you don’t want your sister to come on our trip and as such I’ve booked special days for just you and me but there are days that it’ll be all of us and those days we will probably walk slower and participate in rides and parades that you might not like. I know this isn’t ideal for you but this is also a trip for your sister and she needs to be included as well. On the days she’s with us are there any special things you like to do with you and her? Would you like to ride (whatever favorite ride he likes that your daughter can ride as well or maybe something special like pirates league).” DIsney is a pecial vacation for us so my son tends to Behave better but if my son begins getting irritated, annoyed or acts out he’ll have to forgo something he was looking forward to.