Today, I'm unfortunately writing this journal from my bed, where I've been sidelined since Monday. It's frustrating and annoying and I've been spending a lot of the week fuming about it, so I decided I'd rather do something constructive and write about it.
Right after I ran the LA Marathon, I started having problems with going to the bathroom, as in it was very painful. Well, I got it checked out by a gastroenterologist, who referred me to a general surgeon, who told me that I had condyloma as a result of HPV. I was so embarrassed and upset and ashamed, I really didn't know how to react. It was because of some stupid, drunk decisions that I made when I was in New York two months ago (I think) and I've really been in a state of disbelief ever since.
While all this has been going on, I've been kind of seeing this guy who I really, really like. (
It should be noted that 1) I fall for guys really fast and 2) I've never gone on a second date, there's always something that doesn't work out.) Our first date was great, he was really, really nice and he said some really sweet things. There was a lot of texting between dates 1 and 2, and then date 2 was a little more lackluster. Less texting between dates 2 and 3, but the conversation was definitely much deeper on date 3.
At this point, I still really like the guy, but I have a problem being vulnerable. I've never really had a lot of support in my life from anyone, so it's hard for me to open up. Now I find myself opening up to someone who I'm not even sure really likes me that much back. It's agonizing and part of me wants to pull the plug now. Meanwhile, I know this surgery is scheduled for May 2, so I don't want it to go too fast for obvious reasons.
Rewind to last Friday--his birthday party. I was the only one of his friends to make it to dinner, and the only one to get him a gift. We met up with a bunch of his friends afterward and I was trying hard not to be clingy because, after all, it was his birthday. At one of the clubs we went to, one of his friends comes up to me and starts asking questions about me and my love life. Long story short, he says there's interest and that I need to go for it.
Cut to us being shoved together on the dance floor by said friend later on in the night. It was a great time, but then this guy said he needed to go entertain his friends, which was totally understandable (there were at least 50+ people there). Fast forward to this afterparty at this guy's apartment near the club where, again, I'm trying not to be clingy. After an hour of not seeing him, I ask someone where he is. Their (drunken) response: he's in the bathroom getting his "birthday present." I was kind of heartbroken...like embarrassingly so. It's still unclear at this point whether or not he was actually doing that because everyone at that party was so drunk, but I was upset regardless.
Long story short, I drink until I pass out, wake up the next morning, still drunk, where I get dragged out to brunch with his friends (where, of course, I drink more). Then we go out, I get a lukewarm goodbye and I make it back home, where my friends and I go out to dinner and I get absolutely plastered. At this point, I don't even want to think about what had happened, I was just too scared and too upset to deal with the pain. We go from dinner, to apartment to party...to me vomiting on a corner, sobbing.
Two days later, I'm sitting in a hospital room at Santa Monica-UCLA alone, about to get this incredibly painful surgery, when I realized that this is what pushing everyone away has gotten me. I couldn't tell my family about the surgery, I didn't want to tell my friends, I couldn't tell this guy, so I was sitting in the hospital freaking out, alone.
Needless to say, it's been a rough couple days, especially since I can't run for any type of release. Right now, I'm just hoping that I'll be able to run in time for my training to start on Memorial Day, but I won't know until my post-op appointment next Friday.
I've been going through a lot of negative emotions this past week, and it's been finals, and I've been on painkillers, so it's been very hard to stay any kind of positive. I've been texting with the guy back and forth a little bit and we're meeting up for dinner tonight, so hopefully that goes better than the rest of the week that I've had. I just always thought that I could be one of those people with a tough skin who would work, work, work then come home and not care that there's no one there. But considering all I've wanted for the past 4 nights is for someone to cuddle with me...I'm starting to re-think all that.
More updates to come soon on my condition! Hope everyone had a good week
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D
