"A happy marriage is hard work" - agree or disagree?

[Andtototoo]

I think the thing is, the definition of hard work isn't necessarily the same for everybody.

I consider "working" on a marriage being like... settling an issue you don't both agree on. Sometimes making sacrifices for one another. Facing differences of opinion.

I guess it's not necessarily hard work, but I don't see that as routine either.

You're right -- the definitions vary. To me, what you characterized as "working" on a marriage isn't work. It is routine to me. It's just normal, day to day life which I wouldn't see as work, just "dealing with reality".

To me, working on a marriage means having to overcome significant problems or issues of unhappiness that have gone on long-term and/or evolved into a negative pattern, whether it's communication or spending or family or respect issues.

While I can respect that there are couples who are willing to work and work at it, I also saw my parents work and work at it and ultimately fail. (My parents were MUCH happier people once they weren't married any more.) In my adult life, the majority of the people I know who have said that marriage is hard work are not, ultimately, in happy marriages. They've either just kind of given up and surrendered to an unhappy existence or they're STILL working on it -- they never seem to get to some happy conclusion and move forward in happiness. I'm not saying it's not possible, just that I haven't seen it with my own eyes. What I have seen with my own eyes is that all the work in the world can't make two people who are not suited for each other come to a happy conclusion. So to me, having to work as hard as my parents did is a huge red flag that you may be beating a dead horse.

 

[Lanshark]

The vast majority of time it is effortless but there are times that it is hard work.

 

[jodifla]

Yes & no. A good marriage requires hard work OCCASIONALLY. Does it require hard work CONSTANTLY? No way.

This!

The rest of life is hard enough. How draining to have a marriage that's constantly hard work. Marriage should be FUN!

 

[MagicalMawMaw]

We celebrate 30 years this Sunday.

I really don't think those years have had any hard work involved.

We have had some tough times that we've faced together...& everything hasn't always been perfect...But we are best friends & it hasn't been any hard work to stay that way.

We now have 4 kiddos & 5 grandkiddos & life is just pretty good.

 

[bdcp]

Happily married 31 years next month. We got married at 21 (me) and 24 (DH). I'd say not so much "hard work" as effort. Both have to put in the effort and be "all in". You can't be selfish all the time in a marriage. When one person decides to be selfish all the time, that's when they've decided they don't want the commitment. That ends marriages quicker than anything else. We went into our marriage with the "no way out clause". Divorce was never an option. Does he piss me off? Absolutely, as I know I do the same to him. When I say all in , I mean, everything from day 1, was "ours" and we are a team. There was no his and hers, everything we have is ours. Now that the kids are grown, we get to be just "us" all the time. I'm so glad my youngest DS (26) found a wonderful girlfriend whose parents have been married 35 years. They have a great foundation, and we expect an engagement within the next year.

 

[Kathi OD]

How about a sometimes yes, and other times no.

DH and I have been married for 35 years. During those 35 years, there have been times when we've had to "work hard," but more often than not, that was during times of high stress or crisis (unemployment, illnesses requiring hospital stays, etc.) In times where there isn't much outside stress, while we might sometimes have to "work," I wouldn't call it "hard work."

 

[grafxgirl]

Not hard work; just a little compromise and understanding at times.My DH and I met 23 years ago, became friends, then married 12 years ago. We know each other very well, and have similar personalities. We have our good days and our bad days, but I wouldn't say we have to work hard to have a happy marriage.

 

[2disneyboys]

Dh and I have been together since high school (20 years!) and married for 15. Dh is my best friend. He makes me better than I am on my own (and I hope he means it when he says the same about me, lol!). I can't imagine not having him in my life. We have grown up together as we were both 17 when we started dating...we are soo different then when we started this trip!

However... While we are very similar in likes dislikes personalities etc, we still are two individual people. This means that sometimes one has to give up something for the other. This is a sacrifice that at times is easier to make then at other times. But it's still something we both are willing to do. There is no "tallies" in our marriage, no one is keeping score. In addition, life happens..jobs, kids, church, friends/family obligations. We have to make the effort to not let everything else crowd out "us". So while I can say I don't feel like my marriage is work, I do say that it's work keeping everything in perspective.

If you read everyones responses and take out the word work and replace with something else, just about everyone is saying the same thing. We love our spouse and because we put each other first we are happy. It's all about the words you use and how you define those words. I think the essential meaning is the same. (disclaimer..not the use of the words just about as I am not saying that one one has ever had to work to have a happy ( or unhappy) marriage, lol). What do i know though.. Several people at my work joke about me still being on my starter marriage and honeymoon at the same time.

 

[violetrose]

Disagree. DH is my best friend. I have his back and he has mine, we're family. He is the one constant in my life that is never hard work. The circumstances we have been faced with over the years (money problems, health issues, etc.) have been hard, but our relationship has always been easy. It helps that we have the same basic values and temperment.

 

[Buckalew11]

I totally agree with you! There is quite a rush when you you've done a job well, but it was work sometimes getting it completed! We've had some major obstacles and we didn't always agree, like after 7 miscarriages and a failed adoption my DH was ready to throw in the towel, I was not, that's a major disagreement! We didn't fight about it. He just said he couldn't do it anymore and I said I couldn't give up yet. Maybe some people think that's easy to go through, I didn't, it was very hard for me.

You know, I think you have a point. I've never been through anything like this. I believe this would be very hard. Losing a child, have a sick child, a special needs child...
Possibly a move in a marriage that one did not want to make, or an in-law moving in, or...or...

I can think of many things that I have not faced in my marriage that would have cause us more stress than we ever faced. In all of the terrible, stressful things we did face, we seemed to grow closer and become stronger but there are many things I know couple I know have faced and I wonder how "easy" I'd view our relationship then.

I just do not know because I've never been there.

 

[Mister]

I think it also depends on how the marriage started. Marriages that started for the wrong reasons are pretty much doomed. They can remain 'intact' through sacrifice and hard work but there is a huge difference between a 'palatable' marriage and a 'happy' marriage. I know several people in that situation right now. Married too young and for the wrong reasons. Had kids to try and 'fix' the problem but only compounded it. Feel obligated to stick it out for the kids. Eventually nobody wins and its a sucker bet. My folks are getting ready to celebrate their 50th. Not only are they happy but theyre still best friends. There was some work involved when my dad was in Korea and Viet Nam but they have ALWAYS had each others back. Thats my model. Anything less than that and you are compromising yourself or too fearful to embrace your bliss. One of my friends has just now figured that out but shes stuck it out for almost 2 decades...20 years she'll never get back. That is tragic to me. If there wasnt love in the first place its not likely to magically appear out of nowhere although there are those that will delude themselves because its easier than making tough choices.

 

[Kitty 34]

Thats a hard one. Sometimes people can be so compatable that although it might be some work, it doesn't make it hard work. I think for me personally I would have to Disagree.

Agreed!

 

[Squirlz]

I might have agreed until I met my ideal mate 4 years ago. Now it is absolutely effortless..

 

[superme80]

Agreed. Anything you want to excel at takes work and at times hard work. Is it worth it? Yup.

 

[DreamGirl90]

I think marriage is a mystery. My parents' best friends had been what we all thought was blissfully married for 30 years. It appeared effortless. They were always together and smiling and seemed very much in love with each other. We never heard either make an unpleasant remark about the other. My mother always used them as an example of "the perfect marriage." About 6 months ago she called me to tell me that the perfect marriage was over. They are now divorced. There wasn't anyone else involved. My mom told me all that was said was that the little things that had irritated each of them but been ignored for 30 years finally grew to be too much and they could no longer stand each other.

THAT seems like a marriage that could have used some "hard work" to save. It also makes me want to talk/work through ANY minor irritations that may arise in my own so-far-happy marriage before molehills become mountains. So yes - I'd say even a "good" marriage takes hard work SOMETIMES!

 

[Coconut36]

I think the thing is, the definition of hard work isn't necessarily the same for everybody.

I consider "working" on a marriage being like... settling an issue you don't both agree on. Sometimes making sacrifices for one another. Facing differences of opinion.

I guess it's not necessarily hard work, but I don't see that as routine either.

I agree. I also think it includes things like remembering to make time for each other once the kids come and things like that. Not taking each other for granted..I do not view "work" as being only about significant or serious issues or work being defined as it being a hardship or stressor in life.

Married 18 years..would say yes there is work involved (as defined above)

 

[goofyernmost]

In the true sense of a "happy marriage", no, it shouldn't be hard work. In a perfect world two people would be compatible enough to somehow miraculously always understand the other person and automatically, without thought, do the right thing by them, with them and/or for them.

I truly believe that there are situations like that in a few marriages. Those I would call ultra happy marriages. At any case, it should never be more then just light work, not hard work. If it's hard work then the differences may be too great or expectations may be out of line with reality.

How many truly happy marriages actually exist out there, I'd say very few. There are, however, many workable marriages, with happy and bad times intermixed. Unfortunately, there are also a large number of absolute train wreck marriages that end in divorce. Personally, I believe it's sometimes a matter of luck.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

I can't decide. Even the most perfect couple gets in a disagreement now and again. You just have to know how to handle it.

But there is issues of compatibility, selflessness, etc. You have to pick the right person, and be willing to live your life for that person.

So, there may be struggles, but it really shouldn't be "hard". If it's hard all the time, maybe you aren't doing it right?

 

[NikitaZee]

Yes, it takes work. There are times where DH and I are lovey-dovey for weeks, then life steps in with some kind of crap, or one of us does something (usually the same irritating things we've been complaining about for years) the stress builds, and voila - big argument. But we get it all out and move on. I'm the one who can go on talking for 3 hours about an issue, and all he wants to do is MOVE ON with it already! So yes, it's work for me to learn how to walk away and not hang onto a topic like a pit bull, and work for him to give me 30 minutes to hash it out (when he's over it in 10).

 

[KiKi Mouse]

Marriage is not hard work. It requires effort and it's not hard.