"A happy marriage is hard work" - agree or disagree?

[castleview]

I guess it takes work...but it shouldn't be exhausting work. I'm happily married and it doesn't feel like "hard work", just communicate and work together.

I often wonder if those that think its super hard work have too high expectations or are just never happy in general.

 

[jahber]

A Labor of love. Goodvibes

Indeed.

 

[Jennasis]

I can't speak for others but here's my feelings.

My first (failed) marriage was work. Hard work.

My current marriage, successful, loving, happy, comes naturally. It's no harder than breathing. Love shouldn't be hard.

I stand by my original statement from 2 years ago.

 

[manning]

For 43 years the same four words has worked

"Anything you say dear".

Seriously...compromise.

 

[DisneyJules]

I don't know if I would say generally it's hard work, maybe at times. For the most part it's pretty harmonious and a lot of fun. So no, I wouldn't really call it work. That said, do I think you have to put effort towards your relationship, definitely so! Maybe I just don't consider that "work"

 

[gottaluvPluto]

I don't think marriage is hard work. I think it is more of a dance that is truly remarkable and a lot of fun. Sometimes, he might step on my foot or I might step on his, but communication and compromise always fixes it. I am thankful that I am dancing through life with my best friend.

 

[ebtbmom]

For me it is very hard work. We agree on nearly every aspect of life, chores and household stuff, money and spending, religion (or the lack thereof), extended family relationships, work ethic. But we are as far apart on parenting as two people could possibly be. Raising our 1 child has almost tore us apart several times. I'm so grateful that we had the wisdom not to have more because I don't think we would have survived as a couple. And what's harder is that DS is my bio, his adopted, and no I haven't fully come to terms with him wanting to be an equal partner in raising my child, esp when I disagree with most of what he thinks is right. So for us it's very very hard. I thought most people had a hard time being married.


This thread has made me depressed, I'm going to go call a marriage counselor.

 

[TipsyTraveler]

Disagree. In fact, the concept of happy, healthy relationships being something you have to work at is not something I've ever understood. (Full disclosure: I'm not actually married, but we've been living together for 15 years so close enough, right? )

My relationship has always been rather carefree and effortless. That's what makes it enjoyable in my opinion. I don't think I could enjoy a relationship where it felt like a constant work in progress, something I always had to tend to. At what point do you get to relax and enjoy it? That's not to say life has always been easy. We've had our share of struggles but the struggle has always come from outside factors -- financial, unemployment, medical issues, family problems, loss of loved ones and grief. Those have always turned out to be some of the strongest and most loving times in our relationship because we're rallying to support the other.

I've questioned what, specifically, takes work in a relationship. The answer is usually communication and making time for one another. Those are things my partner and I enjoy doing. It's naturally a high priority for us, not something we consider work or effort or have to remind ourselves to do. How happy can a relationship be if those fundamental aspects feel like chores?

 

[lisaviolet]

For me it is very hard work. We agree on nearly every aspect of life, chores and household stuff, money and spending, religion (or the lack thereof), extended family relationships, work ethic. But we are as far apart on parenting as two people could possibly be. Raising our 1 child has almost tore us apart several times. I'm so grateful that we had the wisdom not to have more because I don't think we would have survived as a couple. And what's harder is that DS is my bio, his adopted, and no I haven't fully come to terms with him wanting to be an equal partner in raising my child, esp when I disagree with most of what he thinks is right. So for us it's very very hard. I thought most people had a hard time being married.


This thread has made me depressed, I'm going to go call a marriage counselor.

Wow. Brave and thoughtful post. Really impacted me. Where you see negative, I see positive because you're not ignoring it, interesting.

Anyways, all the best to you both/all. Totally OT: To me you are light years ahead of those who sit in dead marriages, but sometimes celebrate length, because they refuse to work on any issues they might have or even acknowledge that the issues are there for the other person, the one they love or once loved.

 

[lisaviolet]

Those have always turned out to be some of the strongest and most loving times in our relationship because we're rallying to support the other.

That's lovely to read. I'm sure that's a big key.

 

[bethy]

I think it depends on the people and their marriage. I don't see any reason to believe that everyone's marriage should be the same or function in the same way.

For my marriage to function it takes making a conscious decision every single day to compromise, bite my tongue and power through. To be as loving as possible toward my DH even though I often don't feel like it. There are some moments of joy and fun, too. And deep down I am glad to have him by my side.

But very little about it is easy or carefree.

 

[Pumbaa_]

Marriage absolutely takes work. Sometimes it is easy work, and then there can be tough patches that require harder work

We are at the 31 year mark and happily married. Well worth any amount of work

 

[Laura66]

I don't feel like its work at all. In fact I'm so thankful that I have him by my side when I'm faced with stress or hard times.
Sure sometimes we get annoyed or mad at each other but it never lasts long and we always find ways to compromise on things we disagree on. I know it might sound unbelievable - but we've been together over 30 years and I can count on one hand the number of times we have had serious fights.
I not only love that guy - I really LIKE him and love being around him! He always lifts me up!

 

[ronandannette]

Disagree. In fact, the concept of happy, healthy relationships being something you have to work at is not something I've ever understood. (Full disclosure: I'm not actually married, but we've been living together for 15 years so close enough, right? )

My relationship has always been rather carefree and effortless. That's what makes it enjoyable in my opinion. I don't think I could enjoy a relationship where it felt like a constant work in progress, something I always had to tend to. At what point do you get to relax and enjoy it? That's not to say life has always been easy. We've had our share of struggles but the struggle has always come from outside factors -- financial, unemployment, medical issues, family problems, loss of loved ones and grief. Those have always turned out to be some of the strongest and most loving times in our relationship because we're rallying to support the other.

I've questioned what, specifically, takes work in a relationship. The answer is usually communication and making time for one another. Those are things my partner and I enjoy doing. It's naturally a high priority for us, not something we consider work or effort or have to remind ourselves to do. How happy can a relationship be if those fundamental aspects feel like chores?

Maybe others just define things differently than you do. In my marriage I "work" (give conscious, consistent effort towards) in the following ways:

• to consider his needs, preferences and opinions and accommodate them even when they might conflict with my own
• to fulfill my end of the way we've agreed to split domestic and financial responsibilities even when it would be easier not to
• to remain patient with the annoying little habits and behaviours of his that I hate because I know he does the same for me
• to keep conflicts in perspective and "count the blessings"
• to to avoid situations (physically, emotionally & mentally) that might temp me towards being attracted to someone else

I could go on and on. I'm not suggesting that I don't do these things willingly and joyfully - I do. But I wouldn't have a very successful relationship if I didn't and I'd be lying if I said all these things would just come naturally without effort.

 

[TipsyTraveler]

Maybe others just define things differently than you do. In my marriage I "work" (give conscious, consistent effort towards) in the following ways:

• to consider his needs, preferences and opinions and accommodate them even when they might conflict with my own
• to fulfill my end of the way we've agreed to split domestic and financial responsibilities even when it would be easier not to
• to remain patient with the annoying little habits and behaviours of his that I hate because I know he does the same for me
• to keep conflicts in perspective and "count the blessings"
• to to avoid situations (physically, emotionally & mentally) that might temp me towards being attracted to someone else

I could go on and on. I'm not suggesting that I don't do these things willingly and joyfully - I do. But I wouldn't have a very successful relationship if I didn't and I'd be lying if I said all these things would just come naturally without effort.

My boyfriend and I spent 30 minutes discussing your post trying to figure out if it was just a matter of how one defines things. Lol. The best answer we could come up with was "Maybe... It's possible? I don't know."

We agreed that perspective and the personalities involved probably play a large role in how things work in a relationship, as well as the fact that things one couple deals with may not be applicable for another. (Your points #2, 3, and 5, for example, haven't been factors in our relationship.) Then we focused on #1 and 4 and decided this might be an example of how one defines things, like you said.

We've only had one real fight but it kind of resolved itself because his attitude was "I know, I'm sorry, I screwed up" from the get go. (A couple of his drunk friends damaged some of my belongings while I was out of town. It seems insignificant now but, boy, was I angry at the time!) Beyond that we had a hard time thinking of other conflicts we've experienced. We're pretty like-minded, want the same things, and both have very laid back personalities so, in the rare case where one of us feels strongly about something, the other is unlikely to care one way or the other so there's no need to compromise or try to work it out. I was trying to come up with an example of this and was drawing a blank. The best DBF could come up with was "the gutters". Our neighbor offered to replace our gutters and DBF wanted to take him up on it. I thought it was pointless because "We have gutters. Why do we need new ones?" DBF explained why he wanted them and I said "Ok, whatev." The whole conversation lasted less than three minutes and was completely devoid of any emotion, but I suppose that could be defined as conflict depending on how you look at it.

 

[mousefanmichelle]

My marriage is work. We've been together since I've been 15 and he 18 and married for 22 years. It is work because we are totally different people than we started out as.

We really don't agree on much. We've been really rocky this last year and we keep trying to keep it together. I love him but I think my love is beginning to turn more brotherly/sisterly than romantic. I have to work on it being romantic. He over reacts and I walk on egg shells to keep him calm, I work on that. We don't communicate well - either of us. We have talked about ending it and moving on but we come back -it's all we know. We work on it. There are times we are happy. We don't laugh much or make time for each other. I guess typing this out I feel more like we are roommates than husband wife and I am sad. I was over the moon in love with him but life has really gotten in the way.

We work on it. Every day. It's exhausting some days. I guess we need to do some communicating to figure out if we want to work on it anymore or not.

 

[Andtototoo]

We agreed that perspective and the personalities involved probably play a large role in how things work in a relationship, as well as the fact that things one couple deals with may not be applicable for another.

.

I think personality type has a LOT to do with it. I have often contrasted (in my head) the difference between the way my dh and I handle a "conflict" with how one of my old friends and her dh handle "conflict." My dh and I are easy going, so what I would consider the little "spit spats" that occur in ANY relationship are easily solved without fireworks or harsh words or fireworks.

In contrast, my friend and her dh are both hotheads who take offense easily with each other. They truly cannot have a discussion about ANYTHING that involves a difference of opinion -- even something as inconsequential as, say, what restaurant to go to for dinner -- without it devolving into real conflict that involves raised voices, slammed doors/hung up phone calls, and hurt feelings for days. This happens almost every single day. For 22 years. Every single day is like this. They think their behavior is the norm. They both think marriage is hard work and have said numerous times the only reason they are still together is that they made a promise to each other to never get divorced -- a promise they made because they know they are hotheads who cause fights. I truly don't understand why they don't get individual and couples counseling to find ways to have better anger management and impulse control and a better way of interacting, because honestly, they don't seem happy, they seem resigned to the idea that ALL marriages are like this.

As another personality issue, I think the "work" that comes in marriage is the same that occurs in any healthy relationship -- which is being mindful, self-aware, and aware of the needs of others. For some people that awareness comes naturally and easily. For others, that awareness does not come naturally and the person has to want to and be committed to being mindful and aware of the needs of the other person in the relationship. In other words, if you were brought up/believe/change over time to believe that you are #1 in every choice and to not consider the needs/wishes of others, it's going to be hard work for you to overcome that tendency and hard work for your partner to constantly have to asset their needs, as well as overcome the hurt that occurs from not being given consideration. I have seen a number of long-term marriages fail because one person, over time or sometimes abruptly, becomes self-absorbed and/or unwilling to care about the needs, genuine needs, of the other person.

 

[nugov2]

I agree with the poster who said it takes work, but it isn't hard. Compared to raising three kids...marriage is a breeze I love being married

 

[lauradis]

I'm happily married and it doesn't feel like hard work. Sure I don't always get my way but neither does he...but work?...I don't think so. We're just happy together...what's so hard about that?

I always explain it this way:

Anything of value requires constant maintenance - a house (needs painting, grass cut, cleaning, repairs), a car ( needs oil changes, washing, repairs), same with a boat.

A marriage is no different; it requires constant maintenance or it will fall apart.

A happy marriage requires commitment and dedication, but I wouldn't say that it's "hard work" In fact, having DH makes the rest of my life so much easier than it would be if I were on my own.
If something (or someone) is your passion and your love, I wouldn't call the time you devote to it "work"

I have to disagree with op It not really work if you enjoy doing it.

op if you think a relationship is hard work, you choose the wrong person.

Happiness is over rated in marrage.

New pair of shoes makes me happy
eating Yummy cheescake makes me happy
buying Disney gift cards makes me happy

Sitting next to my husband makes me peaceful, longing to be next to him or talk to him makes me content.

I seek contenment, compainsion, and security. happiness is just mini moment.

 

[NFLDERS]

Marriage for me is like "refuge" in a violent storm calm, and comforting.
The only labor involved was in the act of childbirth. (x2)