Advice for mom with large age gap between children

[stephk1981]

DS10 had been very used to being an only child. DH only goes to Disney with us every couple of years, so a few times a year it had only been DS and I on the trips. DD is now 12 months old. On her first trip with us, she was only 6 months and I wore her in a carrier mostly. Plus DH joined us for half of that trip so that DS could do rides that we couldn't go on with DD. We will be back at Disney in a couple of weeks, just myself, DD and DS.

DS had been so good with DD until 6 weeks ago, about the time she started taking steps. He is now very impatient with her. She likes to follow him, and when she does, he will push her back out of rooms and slam the door in her face. Now that she is walking well, he also gets very frustrated at the pace we must go. This is very new behavior from him. I try to spend an hour individual time with him during DD nap.
I am beginning to worry about the trip, as he has begun making comments about not wanting DD there. We do not have family to leave her with, and DH goes hunting for 2 weeks this time every year. I have booked KNO for DD five out of the 10 days to spend one on one time with DS, but he is still saying the trip ' won't be the same' .
Any strategies for dealing with this? Or just tell DS this is life now, get on board? I don't want to be unsympathetic to him, but I don't know what more I can do. He asked for a sibling for years, I know it's a change, but the past 6 weeks have been nuts with him.
( And in case anyone is wondering, DD was a surprise; but a good one. This is also with same DH so DS did not have to get ' used' to a new relationship or step dad etc.)
Thank you for any advice!

 

[SL6827]

( And in case anyone is wondering, DD was a surprise; but a good one. This is also with same DH so DS did not have to get ' used' to a new relationship or step dad etc.)

I can't offer much help because we always had family with us when we had both our daughters going, who were 8.5 years apart. But I can relate to the above quote because I got the do they have the same father question as well from some people.

 

[stephk1981]

I can't offer much help because we always had family with us when we had both our daughters going, who were 8.5 years apart. But I can relate to the above quote because I got the do they have the same father question as well from some people.

Yes! DS looks very much like my DH. When the four of us are out together, they assume DS is my stepson We have even had comments, ' it's so nice you love your step mom so much.' It's kind of sad that people automatically assume you are a blended family, but I guess that's just the way it is. DS is very much ' my baby, DD is a ' Daddy's girl' .

 

[Shanti]

DS10 had been very used to being an only child. DH only goes to Disney with us every couple of years, so a few times a year it had only been DS and I on the trips. DD is now 12 months old. On her first trip with us, she was only 6 months and I wore her in a carrier mostly. Plus DH joined us for half of that trip so that DS could do rides that we couldn't go on with DD. We will be back at Disney in a couple of weeks, just myself, DD and DS.

DS had been so good with DD until 6 weeks ago, about the time she started taking steps. He is now very impatient with her. She likes to follow him, and when she does, he will push her back out of rooms and slam the door in her face. Now that she is walking well, he also gets very frustrated at the pace we must go. This is very new behavior from him. I try to spend an hour individual time with him during DD nap.
I am beginning to worry about the trip, as he has begun making comments about not wanting DD there. We do not have family to leave her with, and DH goes hunting for 2 weeks this time every year. I have booked KNO for DD five out of the 10 days to spend one on one time with DS, but he is still saying the trip ' won't be the same' .
Any strategies for dealing with this? Or just tell DS this is life now, get on board? I don't want to be unsympathetic to him, but I don't know what more I can do. He asked for a sibling for years, I know it's a change, but the past 6 weeks have been nuts with him.
( And in case anyone is wondering, DD was a surprise; but a good one. This is also with same DH so DS did not have to get ' used' to a new relationship or step dad etc.)
Thank you for any advice!

I wouldn't do the trip as described. Your husband is off on a separate vacation, and you're navigating Disney World with a baby and with an older child who will be sullen about not wanting his sister there. Doesn't sound like any kind of fun vacation for you. Your son also will either have to ride his age-appropriate rides alone, or not at all, since the baby can't go on them and there will be no other adult to hold her. That will not be fun for him, and it will only make him resent his sister even more.

Either your husband should give up this one hunting trip to be there for his children, or you should find another family member to attend with you to help with the baby, or you should reschedule this trip for a time when your husband will be there. That's probably not the answer you want, but that's where you are with this one.

In general, it sounds like your husband (or someone) needs to pitch in with the baby on a regular basis, so you can continue giving your son the attention he needs. Trying to spend time with him during his sister's naps isn't enough right now. That's why he's acting out.

 

[stephk1981]

I wouldn't do the trip as described. Your husband is off on a separate vacation, and you're navigating Disney World with a baby and with an older child who will be sullen about not wanting his sister there. Doesn't sound like any kind of fun vacation for you. Your son also will either have to ride his age-appropriate rides alone, or not at all, since the baby can't go on them and there will be no other adult to hold her. That will not be fun for him, and it will only make him resent his sister even more.

Either your husband should give up this one hunting trip to be there for his children, or you should find another family member to attend with you to help with the baby, or you should reschedule this trip for a time when your husband will be there. That's probably not the answer you want, but that's where you are with this one.

In general, it sounds like your husband (or someone) needs to pitch in with the baby on a regular basis, so you can continue giving your son the attention he needs. Trying to spend time with him during his sister's naps isn't enough right now. That's why he's acting out.

I am sure you are right, unfortunately; husband works 70 plus hours a week mostly....and we don't have family that are in physical condition to travel I have hired Kids night out to watch her five days of the trip. Maybe I need to hire them for the full ten days to devote one on one to DS......it just seems like he is throwing a fit and then I am giving in to his demands....I don't want that obviously. We have a sitter once every other week to come watch DD to spend one on one time with DS. Any advice on how to handle his recent aggression? I don't necessarily want to reward unacceptable behavior.

I have also said to DS we should reschedule trip, he definitely doesn't want that...he said then he will be miserable sitting at home while his dad gets to go on a hunting trip.He will get to ride the rides with me while DD is with sitter in room. I think he needs a mom/ son trip or father/ son( you are right about that.) But, I have no way to do that for him .Husband will not gI've up his vacation and honestly I am getting as much help from him as I am going to. I just need to figure out how to handle this one on my own without DH help.

 

[Shanti]

Husband will not give up his vacation and honestly I am getting as much help from him as I am going to. I just need to figure out how to handle this one on my own without DH help.

That's both a shame and a significant problem.

I would postpone the trip for when your husband will attend. It is not your son's decision to make & I wouldn't even share your reasoning with him, beyond possibly stating that it's a trip that both mom & dad are really needed for, which is true. Or postpone it for when you can do a 1:1 trip with him, when dad can care for your daughter at home.

The violence should be dealt with through standard disciplinary consequences: the loss of daily privileges, confinement to his room for a few hours, no electronics, etc. whatever works for him in regards to other rule infractions. Your son needs limits & to know it is unnacceptable, no matter how he feels. But beyond that, to change his feelings, he's going to need more time with mom and a more involved dad.

 

[mjkacmom]

Maybe have him talk to a counselor? My kids are close in age, but there is a 6 1/2 gap between #1 and #4/#5, and my oldest always favored the youngest when they were little. Your son has had a year to adjust to not being the center of attention, and pushing/slamming doors on a one year old is not okay. With my kids, there was always the time when babies started crawling and getting into older siblings things, which caused resentment and anger, but these were teaching times (harder because they were 2/3/4/5).

 

[DisneyWishes14]

I would go on the trip as planned and, perhaps, have KNO come a few more times. As mjkacmom suggested, going to a family counselor where DS10 could express his feelings to you and to your DH in a safe, guided space, might be helpful. This may just be growing pains. I am a step-mom to two boys who are now in their 20's and I have an 11-year old, biological son. When my son was born, my youngest stepson, in particular, became quite angry and his anger lasted a few years. It was understandable. Now that the boys are older, they absolutely adore each other. I will never forget the day we visited my stepson when he was helping out at his HS carnival. He very proudly and happily picked up my DS (who was about 5 at the time) and told all of his friends that this was his little brother. I would acknowledge your son's feelings, certainly don't give in to inappropriate behavior as that will just help perpetuate it and give it some time. This is a big change for him and it may just take some time.

 

[stephk1981]

Maybe have him talk to a counselor? My kids are close in age, but there is a 6 1/2 gap between #1 and #4/#5, and my oldest always favored the youngest when they were little. Your son has had a year to adjust to not being the center of attention, and pushing/slamming doors on a one year old is not okay. With my kids, there was always the time when babies started crawling and getting into older siblings things, which caused resentment and anger, but these were teaching times (harder because they were 2/3/4/5).

Yes, it started when she could get into his room. DS used to have the run of the house...his toys wherever he wanted...now they are confined to his room except at nap time. I think a counselor is a great idea. I will look into that Monday.

That's both a shame and a significant problem.

I would postpone the trip for when your husband will attend. It is not your son's decision to make & I wouldn't even share your reasoning with him, beyond possibly stating that it's a trip that both mom & dad are really needed for, which is true. Or postpone it for when you can do a 1:1 trip with him, when dad can care for your daughter at home.

The violence should be dealt with through standard disciplinary consequences: the loss of daily privileges, confinement to his room for a few hours, no electronics, etc. whatever works for him in regards to other rule infractions. Your son needs limits & to know it is unnacceptable, no matter how he feels. But beyond that, to change his feelings, he's going to need more time with mom and a more involved dad.

You are 100 percent right, I wish DH would be more involved with DS, but that's a whole other topic; lol. DH was 23( his excuse) when DS was born and didn't really do much with him. Now DS doesn't want to spend time with DH. DH dotes upon DD but not on DS.....I have tried to get DH to change, go to counseling, try to share in DS interests etc......DH just won't. Not sure how to make a 33 year old man do something .
As far as this trip......DS asked to go, I hate to cancel. He has had a rough few months. His best friend moved away, we homeschool and he and best friend saw each other 4 times a week....so while he has other homeschool groups we go to.....he really has been down. He has planned this trip. We only live 4 hours away, but we are flying because DS has always wanted to try first class ( I got an amazing deal to upgrade with husband's miles from work and as part of DS birthday gift) so DS was super excited about that, plus staying at a couple of new club level experiences he wanted to try ( also for birthday.)I do wish I could take him alone, as that would be the best option, but that won't ever be an option as DH won't stay with DD or DS by himself.....as in he has never watched them. Yes, I know, ridiculous....but he won't and hasn't. I take them everywhere with me. So, even if I rescheduled I would have to take DD with us then too. Both my mom and his parents are elderly, not able to take a baby etc.
Your advice is much appreciated, as I know you are right. I don't know how comfortable I would be with leaving DD with someone from like care .com even for a few days. Although I guess that could be an option.

 

[stephk1981]

I would go on the trip as planned and, perhaps, have KNO come a few more times. As mjkacmom suggested, going to a family counselor where DS10 could express his feelings to you and to your DH in a safe, guided space, might be helpful. This may just be growing pains. I am a step-mom to two boys who are now in their 20's and I have an 11-year old, biological son. When my son was born, my youngest stepson, in particular, became quite angry and his anger lasted a few years. It was understandable. Now that the boys are older, they absolutely adore each other. I will never forget the day we visited my stepson when he was helping out at his HS carnival. He very proudly and happily picked up my DS (who was about 5 at the time) and told all of his friends that this was his little brother. I would acknowledge your son's feelings, certainly don't give in to inappropriate behavior as that will just help perpetuate it and give it some time. This is a big change for him and it may just take some time.

Thank you! I really hope this turns around for DS and he is close with his sister like your youngest stepson is with your DS. Before the past 6 weeks he was SO loving to DD, this just came out of nowhere. I will definitely at least be calling kids night out to help for more days. As soon as I found out I was pregnant with DD I worried how it would effect DS. I thought since it had been a year and he was doing so well that we were ' smooth sailing' lol.
I agree with all posters, counseling is a must for him now. I don't want him to feel neglected, but I realize I will have to begin disciplining him more than just a time out from now on when he makes poor choices with his sister. I guess electronics will be gone! Thank you!

Thanks to everyone for all of the feedback!

 

[QueenIsabella]

Yikes! Your son is being aggressive towards his toddler sister, and you're rewarding him with a long trip to WDW, including flying first class and staying club level? Honey, you need to learn to say "No" and be the parent here! How fair is it to your daughter that she's getting foisted off on a babysitter, day after day? This whole situation sounds like a hot mess. Your husband is clearly able to put his own needs above the family's (hunting trip), and you're teaching your son to do the exact same thing (stick the sister in a hotel room for hours on end, while he enjoys the parks).

I think your son would benefit from counseling. The way he treats his sister is not okay--fairly common, but still, not okay. He's used to the world revolving around him, and I can see how that would be tough to give up.

I hope I'm not coming off as too harsh, I just think you need a wake-up call on this situation. You really, really don't want to raise a son who thinks his desires are all that matter. And you really, really don't want to raise a daughter who thinks that her needs come in second to a man's.

 

[bigbabyblues]

Nevermind. I hope you find a good solution.

 

[stephk1981]

Yikes! Your son is being aggressive towards his toddler sister, and you're rewarding him with a long trip to WDW, including flying first class and staying club level? Honey, you need to learn to say "No" and be the parent here! How fair is it to your daughter that she's getting foisted off on a babysitter, day after day? This whole situation sounds like a hot mess. Your husband is clearly able to put his own needs above the family's (hunting trip), and you're teaching your son to do the exact same thing (stick the sister in a hotel room for hours on end, while he enjoys the parks).

I think your son would benefit from counseling. The way he treats his sister is not okay--fairly common, but still, not okay. He's used to the world revolving around him, and I can see how that would be tough to give up.

I hope I'm not coming off as too harsh, I just think you need a wake-up call on this situation. You really, really don't want to raise a son who thinks his desires are all that matter. And you really, really don't want to raise a daughter who thinks that her needs come in second to a man's.

Thank you for the comments. Yes, I am definitely feeling like the situation is getting a bit out of control. I can't control DH's choices, but to be honest I don't want DS turning into that. ' Hot mess'? You got it right! DS has changed in attitude and behavior in just the past couple of months. He has never been aggressive or acted entitled.....I am not exactly sure what has changed so abruptly. Maybe his sister getting into everything, his best friend moving, or him observing my DH..... whatever it is, the past couple of months have been aweful. I am incredibly conflicted on whether he needs more of my time, or I need to put my foot down and cancel.
Maybe a counselor will be able to squeeze us in this week.....I haven't been, so not sure how long a first time appointment takes to get.
I wish we didn't have to homeschool, as I think him having to go to school each day would be good for him. Unfortunately he has 2 chronic illnesses that prevent him from making it to school and he was missing way too many days.

 

[stephk1981]

Yikes! Your son is being aggressive towards his toddler sister, and you're rewarding him with a long trip to WDW, including flying first class and staying club level? Honey, you need to learn to say "No" and be the parent here! How fair is it to your daughter that she's getting foisted off on a babysitter, day after day? This whole situation sounds like a hot mess. Your husband is clearly able to put his own needs above the family's (hunting trip), and you're teaching your son to do the exact same thing (stick the sister in a hotel room for hours on end, while he enjoys the parks).

I think your son would benefit from counseling. The way he treats his sister is not okay--fairly common, but still, not okay. He's used to the world revolving around him, and I can see how that would be tough to give up.

I hope I'm not coming off as too harsh, I just think you need a wake-up call on this situation. You really, really don't want to raise a son who thinks his desires are all that matter. And you really, really don't want to raise a daughter who thinks that her needs come in second to a man's.

Thank you for the comments. Yes, I am definitely feeling like the situation is getting a bit out of control. I can't control DH's choices, but to be honest I don't want DS turning into that. ' Hot mess'? You got it right! DS has changed in attitude and behavior in just the past couple of months. He has never been aggressive or acted entitled.....I am not exactly sure what has changed so abruptly. Maybe his sister getting into everything, his best friend moving, or him observing my DH..... whatever it is, the past couple of months have been aweful. I am incredibly conflicted on whether he needs more of my time, or I need to put my foot down and cancel.
Maybe a counselor will be able to squeeze us in this week.....I haven't been, so not sure how long a first time appointment takes to get.
I wish we didn't have to homeschool, as I think him having to go to school each day would be good for him. Unfortunately he has 2 chronic illnesses that prevent him from making it to school and he was missing way too many days.

 

[stephk1981]

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[mi*vida*loca]

Such a hard situation!!! I don't think you are rewarding your son for bad behavior. He is in a hard situation and punishing him further for expressing simple emotions due to his circumstances isn't fair IMO either. He's 10. Being "mean" to his sister is how he is acting out. I think he really needs you right now.

I've read people on these boards that have hired a "nanny" at WDW to accompany them in the parks. This way you can ride rides with your son and the nanny could stay with the nanny during that time. I don't know how much this costs but maybe it's something you can do a few days of the trip. That could be a huge help for you and your son to have time together.

I had an XH that sounds like your DH. Very indifferent towards the kids. Didn't like to stay with them alone. His life came first, his likes and dislikes took priority, the kids were my "job," etc. (Although he loved Disney and never missed a trip to WDW) Many times I would go out with friends and come home and my kids would be at grandma's and my XH would be out with his friends without even being told beforehand! We eventually got divorced (for tons of reasons!) and he's still very indifferent towards my kids. It has really affected my kids but I think it would've been worse had I stayed with him. I suggest counseling for your son.

 

[KayaWildfire]

Your son is absolutely right-this trip will be different. While I think doing KNO for a few evenings is a great idea, I would like to suggest another tactic to use when she is with you. You mentioned he planned the trip. Does he have any special (non-height) restricted rides/shows/experiences/restaurants he especially enjoys he could "show" his sister? I realize she won't likely get anything out of doing this, but maybe it will give their relationship a jumpstart to have some shared experiences that they both love, especially now that she is older and is able to express some more interest in things. Just a thought.
As far as the home stuff, I would let him know that being "mean" to his sister isn't acceptable behavior, but encourage him to shut his door if she is constantly getting into his stuff. It's annoying. And just some final words of encouragement-it will get better! We have a 15 year age gap between our oldest and youngest so we've been around the block a few times. Soon you'll be the one watching your son and daughter race off to do the thrill rides once she is tall enough and you won't be able to keep up!

 

[stephk1981]

Such a hard situation!!! I don't think you are rewarding your son for bad behavior. He is in a hard situation and punishing him further for expressing simple emotions due to his circumstances isn't fair IMO either. He's 10. Being "mean" to his sister is how he is acting out. I think he really needs you right now.

I've read people on these boards that have hired a "nanny" at WDW to accompany them in the parks. This way you can ride rides with your son and the nanny could stay with the nanny during that time. I don't know how much this costs but maybe it's something you can do a few days of the trip. That could be a huge help for you and your son to have time together.

I had an XH that sounds like your DH. Very indifferent towards the kids. Didn't like to stay with them alone. His life came first, his likes and dislikes took priority, the kids were my "job," etc. (Although he loved Disney and never missed a trip to WDW) Many times I would go out with friends and come home and my kids would be at grandma's and my XH would be out with his friends without even being told beforehand! We eventually got divorced (for tons of reasons!) and he's still very indifferent towards my kids. It has really affected my kids but I think it would've been worse had I stayed with him. I suggest counseling for your son.

Thank you for the advice! I have already put in our days for Kids night out. We currently have 5 out of the ten we are going, but I may increase it. I wouldn't want my DS to miss rides he loves, but do want DD to get to ride a few things as well. They are pricey....for the five days it is $500...yikes! But, we could do a couple more in our budget if need be.

Ah, yes...your XH sounds similar. Since we've had children I have never been out with friends, to the grocery or anywhere alone.....since we homeschool I literally have never been away from them...minus 8 times DH and I have gone on date night ( that I planned). DH does work very hard to financially support us, but he is the one that gets to go golf with buddies, on hunting trips annually with his dad and brothers. DS has 2 chronic ' illnesses' ....which DH has never helped manage. ( cyclical vomiting syndrome and a sleep deficiency disorder....which DD also has )The worst part probably is that he treats our DD so much differently than he ever has DS. You can blantantly tell a difference. DH will not be ex DH anytime soon, and I love him. I made the choice long ago to accept it, and I'm fine, but I need to make sure both children are growing up well.....that I feel like is my sole responsibility at this point. Also given the fact that at this point DD wakes 10-15 minutes all night every night....which does also wake DS.....while husband snores away with earplugs . I am so tired with no help. I think this thread has opened my eyes to the fact we definitely need counseling, even if DH won't go...maybe I can find helpful ways to handle these issues.

 

[stephk1981]

Your son is absolutely right-this trip will be different. While I think doing KNO for a few evenings is a great idea, I would like to suggest another tactic to use when she is with you. You mentioned he planned the trip. Does he have any special (non-height) restricted rides/shows/experiences/restaurants he especially enjoys he could "show" his sister? I realize she won't likely get anything out of doing this, but maybe it will give their relationship a jumpstart to have some shared experiences that they both love, especially now that she is older and is able to express some more interest in things. Just a thought.
As far as the home stuff, I would let him know that being "mean" to his sister isn't acceptable behavior, but encourage him to shut his door if she is constantly getting into his stuff. It's annoying. And just some final words of encouragement-it will get better! We have a 15 year age gap between our oldest and youngest so we've been around the block a few times. Soon you'll be the one watching your son and daughter race off to do the thrill rides once she is tall enough and you won't be able to keep up!

Thank you so much for the encouraging words! And that is a great idea, maybe we can do bowling at DSprings or something that they can try to ' do together'

 

[QueenIsabella]

Thank you for the comments. Yes, I am definitely feeling like the situation is getting a bit out of control. I can't control DH's choices, but to be honest I don't want DS turning into that. ' Hot mess'? You got it right! DS has changed in attitude and behavior in just the past couple of months. He has never been aggressive or acted entitled.....I am not exactly sure what has changed so abruptly. Maybe his sister getting into everything, his best friend moving, or him observing my DH..... whatever it is, the past couple of months have been aweful. I am incredibly conflicted on whether he needs more of my time, or I need to put my foot down and cancel.
Maybe a counselor will be able to squeeze us in this week.....I haven't been, so not sure how long a first time appointment takes to get.
I wish we didn't have to homeschool, as I think him having to go to school each day would be good for him. Unfortunately he has 2 chronic illnesses that prevent him from making it to school and he was missing way too many days.

I appreciate that you took my comments in the spirit with which they're intended. I think you're doing the best you can, given your circumstances. I'm actually much more bothered by the 2-week hunting trip, which has little to do with you and your children. I think you're in a tough spot. FWIW, I have 4 kids over an 11-year span, which was why I opened this thread--I thought I could provide some insights. But, I have different problems (#1 and #4 get along fine, but the oldest has moved out--now #2 and #3 gang up on #4. Except the tide will turn--he's already taller than #3, and still growing...). I do wish you the best.

It might help if, one day on the trip, you have a day that focuses all on what your DD would like. I know she can't add a lot of input, but maybe spend a day in Fantasyland, character meal, etc. Have your DS help you plan such a day as "Sissy's Big Disney Day". As you see her enjoying Dumbo/breakfast with Pooh/Peter Pan's Flight, praise your DS for the wonderful choices he made for the day. In our house, we talk a lot about how a Bibboo (big brother) is such an important role. My older son (now 21) has Asperger's, so adjusting to his younger siblings (after 6 and 9 years, respectively), was difficult.