Daily joke thread......

[tiggerdad]

Steps to Build a Campfire
1. Split dead limb into fragments and shave one fragment into slivers.
2. Bandage left thumb.
3. Chop other fragments into smaller fragments.
4. Bandage left foot.
5. Make a structure of slivers (including those embedded in the hand).
6. Light match.
7. Light match.
8. Repeat “I’m a Happy Camper” and light match.
9. Apply match to slivers, add wood fragments, and blow gently into base of flames.
10. Apply burn ointment to nose.
11. When fire is burning, collect more wood.
12. When fire is burning well, add all remaining firewood.
13. After thunderstorm has passed, repeat the above steps.

 

[peg110]

Oh, that number 13..... I know it all too well!

 

[tiggerdad]

While not an actual joke, these are still funny and I believe follow Frank's intent (in a squirrely kinda way)

Camper Comments
These are actual comments left on U. S. Forest Service registration sheets and comment cards by backpackers completing wilderness camping trips:

• “A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call.”
• “Escalators would help on steep uphill sections.”
• “Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness.”
• “Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands.”
• “Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals.”
• “All the mile markers are missing this year.”
• “Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse.”
• “Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill.”
• “Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests.”
• “Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter.”
• “Chair lifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them.”
• “The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals.”
• “Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights.”
• “Need more signs to keep area pristine.”
• “A McDonald’s would be nice at the trail head.”
• “The places where trails do not exist are not well marked.”
• “Too many rocks in the mountains.”

 

[tiggerdad]

A Simple Answer
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal, they lay down for the night and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. Holmes said: “Watson, look up and tell me what you see”.

Watson said: “I see a fantastic panorama of countless stars”.

Holmes: “And what does that tell you?”

Watson pondered for a moment: “Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.”

“Why? – What does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes was silent for a moment then spoke: “Someone has stolen our tent.”

 

[tiggerdad]

Two hunters were on a bear hunting trip …
Early the first morning, one hunter decided to go hunting for bear while the other stayed in camp and got things organized.
Soon, the first hunter spotted a grizzly, and took his shot, but he only wounded the bear.
Enraged, the bear charged after the hunter, who threw down his rifle and started running for the safety of the cabin.
He was running as fast as he could, but the bear was gaining on him.
Just as he was reaching the cabin, he stumbled and fell.
The bear was so close now that he couldn’t stop – he tripped over the fallen hunter and tumbled through the cabin door.
Darting to his feet, the first hunter quickly closed the cabin door and yelled;
“You skin this one and I’ll go find another!”

 

[peg110]

2 blondes were walking through the woods. They came across a set of tracks.
The first Blonde stated, "Look, some Deer Tracks."
The second said, "NO! They are Bear Tracks!"

They argued back and forth.
"Deer Tracks!" "Bear Tracks!"
"Deer Tracks!" "Bear Tracks!"
"Deer Tracks!" "Bear Tracks!"
Then the train came and killed them both.

 

[tiggerdad]

The loaded mini van pulled into the only remaining campsite. Four children leaped from the vehicle and began feverishly unloading gear and setting up the tent.

The boys rushed to gather firewood, while the girls and their mother set up the camp stove and cooking utensils.

A nearby camper marvelled to the youngsters' father, "Sir, that is some display of teamwork."

The father replied, "I have a system; no one goes to the bathroom until the camp is set up."

 

[2goofycampers]

Surveys show that women with a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.

 

[tiggerdad]

Surveys show that women with a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.

 

[peg110]

 

[tiggerdad]

 

[tiggerdad]

A mother took her little boy to church.
While in church the little boy said, “Mommy, I have to pee."

The mother said to the little boy, “It’s not appropriate to say the word ‘pee’ in church. So, from now on whenever you have to ‘pee’ just tell me that you have to ‘whisper’."

The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, “Daddy, I have to whisper.“

The father looked at him and said, “Okay, just whisper in my ear."

 

[peg110]

Some Camping Tips

• When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either side vacant.
• Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants.
• Old socks can be made into high fiber beef jerky by smoking them over an open fire.
• When smoking a fish, never inhale.
• A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes.
• The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges. Steer clear of those named for landfills.
• Acupuncture was invented by a camper who found a porcupine in his sleeping bag.

 

[tiggerdad]

 

[peg110]

More Camping Tips:

• While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss Navy Knife has remained largely unheard of. Its single blade functions as a tiny canoe paddle.
• Effective January 1, 1997, you will actually have to enlist in the Swiss Army to get a Swiss Army Knife.
• Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint from navel before applying the match.
• You’ll never be lost if you remember that moss always grows on the north side of your compass.
• You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing into a plastic garbage bag with several geese.
• When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt. It gives you something to wipe your nose on.
• You can compress the diameter of your rolled up sleeping bag by running over it with your car.
• Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping. Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do not go into the woods alone.
• A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.

 

[peg110]

Even More Camping Tips:

• A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish. A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck.
• You can start a fire without matches by eating Mexican food, then breathing on a pile of dry sticks.
• In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your underwear.
• The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent kindling.
• Check the washing instructions before purchasing any apparel to be worn camping. Buy only those that read “Beat on a rock in stream.”
• The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for generations. The sight of a bald man, however, does absolutely nothing for the eagle.
• It’s entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on a winding mountain road behind a large motor home.
• Bear bells provide an element of safety for hikers in grizzly country. The tricky part is getting them on the bears.
• A great deal of hostility can be released by using newspaper photos of politicians for toilet paper.
• In an emergency, a drawstring from a parka hood can be used to strangle a snoring tent mate.

Happy Friday!

 

[peg110]

@tiggerdad I just realized, I was pulling jokes from the same source you were.

I guess that, in itself is a joke.

Oh well. Sorry if I stole your thunder!

 

[tiggerdad]

Nope, spread the laughs.

 

[peg110]

 

[peg110]

For some this is a joke, but I can see others taking this as a challenge!