Family shower issue. What would you do

[Wishing on a star]

About the title of this thread.... "FAMILY SHOWER"
If a co-worker, or co-workers, are planning this shower, and they are making these decisions without consulting with the family, then, I am not going to make any assumptions that this is a 'FAMILY SHOWER'.

We can sit and speculate about all kinds of different scenarios.
But, lets stick to the simple facts.
The planner contacted the OP about the guest list, and now wants the OP to be the one to clarify with another guest that the toddler is not invited.
The question seems to be, should the OP contact this one family member and tell them that the child is not invited.
I still say, no.
If somebody else is planning the shower, controlling the guest list, etc.... Then, that is on them.

There is FAR less drama when people are able to back off from situations that they really are not the one in control, and let the crumbs fall where they may!

And, I am still VERY confused about how nobody in the family is supposed to be invovled in planning a shower for the most personal of family events.
Don't know where that is coming from. But, kinda blows my mind.

 

[dish rag]

The people that were invited and had their names on the invitation should go and nobody else. If the children were included on the invitation then they are invited guests.

That's the way things have been traditionally done. But from what I have been reading here on different threads many people do not know this. Or, they think their child is the exception.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Ohhhh, they are the exception... entitled.... for sure.

 

[Wendy31]

I don't see it like they are telling you what you can and can't do, they are just hosting a shower, inviting family but not inviting children.
It would be no different than family hosting it, inviting coworkers, but not inviting their kids.

I have never been to a co-worker shower where family was invited, it was just the co-workers.
Families usually have their own showers (and have invited co-workers that were friends with the mom/bride to be).
Maybe the OP's dd didn't want 2 showers, maybe this isn't her first child so the family wasn't planning on having a shower but the co-workers wanted to do something. It doesn't seem like the norm to have a mixed co-worker/family shower, but there isn't anything wrong with it.

This was the case for our 3rd child. I didn't think I'd have a shower, since he was our 3rd baby. However, there's an 8 year age difference between him & our middle child, & I had 2 coworkers who really wanted to give me a shower. It was the only shower I was having, & they very nicely offered to invite family members & any additional friends. I didn't want to add a bunch of people to their guest list, so I only asked to include my mother-in-law, my sister, & my 2 sisters-in-law.

For our first child, I had a work shower that was just coworkers & then a shower hosted by our church. Family members were invited to the church shower. I didn't have any showers for our 2nd child.

 

[starry_solo]

I'd get back in touch with the organizer and/or hostess of this event immediately and let her know she needs to inform any guess that the party has been planned in mind of having no small children attend. Tell her you won't be delivering that news to anybody. You didn't invite them and you can't uninvite them. From there you can only decide to go or not go, for yourself; don't get caught up in being offended about whether or not kids have been excluded.

Actually, I read it as the OP "invited" them when she asked if they were invited. Because if the invitations don't have any of the children's names on it, they aren't invited.

 

[Nancyg56]

When I became a grandmother and MIL I suddenly located the zipper on my mouth. It's been very freeing but of course there have been times when I weally weally want to express my opinion. That's when this mantra has become useful:
Not my child
Not my child
Not my child.

This still holds to a certain degree even though DGD lives with us most of the time.

Another vote for passing the telephone # of your niece directly to the hostess and backing out.

Me too. If I felt the need to say something I weighed out the cost or the value. I figure that if I chose to only give an opinion when it really mattered, my family would know that I felt it was important. I found the less I said, the more they asked me for my opinion.

 

[luvsJack]

About the title of this thread.... "FAMILY SHOWER"
If a co-worker, or co-workers, are planning this shower, and they are making these decisions without consulting with the family, then, I am not going to make any assumptions that this is a 'FAMILY SHOWER'.

We can sit and speculate about all kinds of different scenarios.
But, lets stick to the simple facts.
The planner contacted the OP about the guest list, and now wants the OP to be the one to clarify with another guest that the toddler is not invited.
The question seems to be, should the OP contact this one family member and tell them that the child is not invited.
I still say, no.
If somebody else is planning the shower, controlling the guest list, etc.... Then, that is on them.

There is FAR less drama when people are able to back off from situations that they really are not the one in control, and let the crumbs fall where they may!

And, I am still VERY confused about how nobody in the family is supposed to be invovled in planning a shower for the most personal of family events.
Don't know where that is coming from. But, kinda blows my mind.

It’s not “nobody in the family”. It’s the grandmothers. Supposedly because it can be seen as self serving. Or at least that’s the way it’s done here.

Not sure why she titled this “family shower” but maybe the hostess is not just a co-worker but a rather close friend. Maybe it’s a combined family/work shower. The op hasn’t clarified.



I honestly don’t get the big hoo haha. If it was my dd, I would just clarify the ages of kids and then send out a text to my nieces, dil and such and tell them. It’s not really that hard and no reason for drama. Does the op know that anyone is going to get upset?

 

[Wishing on a star]

Sorry, but even if one is to try to single out grandmothers... I still do not understand that, at all.
You might tell me that this is the way it is.... Doesn't mean it makes sense to me.
Not unless the grandmother is over-stepping over other closer family or friends.
A grandmother IS family.

 

[Shanti]

Then don't allow yourself to be. I find it odd that a work friend would be planning a shower and inviting family. That just sounds awkward. In my world work friends have a shower just with work people.

Some work friends are real friends, not just cordial coworkers. Proper etiquette dictates that family members not throw showers for the honoree, so if the work friend is also really a personal friend, it makes sense for her to throw the shower and invite everyone.

 

[Wishing on a star]

When I became a grandmother and MIL I suddenly located the zipper on my mouth. It's been very freeing but of course there have been times when I weally weally want to express my opinion. That's when this mantra has become useful:
Not my child
Not my child
Not my child.

Very wise words!!!!!

 

[Dznypal]

Thanks for all the helpful rep!ies. Sorry for some of the confusion. I'll try to clarify my dd is the mother to be and has the 3 yr old. The co workers are all very close friends . when the one called she was asking for family address . for myniece since she had just moved the only thing I wasn't sure of was the house number. She said don't worry I'll be able to find. Which she didn't cause myniece never got an invite. Igaveher the I to I was given . as far as being in the middle. I feel that the person should first of all gotten back to me about the address . also since she told me it was OK for great niece to come she should be the o e to tell her. Not go through my dil. To get to me . eve .ifniece left a message her number would be onID where we,re from kids are always must included family showers. Also the shower is a surprise for my dd . Hopes this clears things up a bit

 

[Poohforyou]

Some work friends are real friends, not just cordial coworkers. Proper etiquette dictates that family members not throw showers for the honoree, so if the work friend is also really a personal friend, it makes sense for her to throw the shower and invite everyone.

Maybe but by identifying the person as a work friend is odd if your response is accurate. Just say a friend is throwing the shower.

 

[sk!mom]

If the event is at a restaurant or somewhere that the host is paying per person, kids definitely need to be formally invited. I personally do get a little ticked off when my daughters ages 14-18 are not included in shower invites now. I consider them old enough to be invited, at least to the ones that are thrown at someone's home that aren't costing an arm and a leg.

If you DD's are included, do they bring their own gift?

The sole purpose of a shower is gifting the new mom or bride to be. I've been to many showers where people show up with their children but I've never seen the kid or teen who was "old enough to be invited" show up with a gift.

It would never occur to me to invite teens to a shower. Including the whole family on a wedding invitation if they know the couple well, yes, but not the gift grab that is a shower.

Maybe when teens are mature enough to realize that shower attendance means spending their babysitting money on crock pots or boxes of pampers, I'll reconsider.

 

[luvsJack]

Sorry, but even if one is to try to single out grandmothers... I still do not understand that, at all.
You might tell me that this is the way it is.... Doesn't mean it makes sense to me.
Not unless the grandmother is over-stepping over other closer family or friends.
A grandmother IS family.

Well sure she is.

I don’t get it either. Didn’t make the “rule” just saying what it is. I googled to find out why. And it said it’s seen as self serving.

And in this area people seem to stick to that. Maybe it is the same where the OP is.

 

[ronandannette]

Thanks for all the helpful rep!ies. Sorry for some of the confusion. I'll try to clarify my dd is the mother to be and has the 3 yr old. The co workers are all very close friends . when the one called she was asking for family address . for myniece since she had just moved the only thing I wasn't sure of was the house number. She said don't worry I'll be able to find. Which she didn't cause myniece never got an invite. Igaveher the I to I was given . as far as being in the middle. I feel that the person should first of all gotten back to me about the address . also since she told me it was OK for great niece to come she should be the o e to tell her. Not go through my dil. To get to me . eve .ifniece left a message her number would be onID where we,re from kids are always must included family showers. Also the shower is a surprise for my dd . Hopes this clears things up a bit

Sorry - it doesn't. I can barely make heads or tails of what you're trying to say, especially the last half. I think auto-fill maybe did a number on your post.

 

[starry_solo]

Sorry - it doesn't. I can barely make heads or tails of what you're trying to say, especially the last half. I think auto-fill maybe did a number on your post.

Me too! But I will try to translate, hopefully correctly.

OP's daughter is the one who is having the new baby. OP's niece is the one who has the 3-year old daughter. When the daughter's co-worker (and friend) called OP to get the address of family members to invite, OP asked the friend whether the niece could bring the daughter (not sure why anyone would ask if an invited guest could bring someone else along, but it is what it is).

OP didn't know the address of the niece who was going to be invited (because she had just moved to a new residence). The OP's niece didn't receive an invitation in the mail. So, OP gave the niece the information, including that she could bring the 3-year old daughter along.

To the OP, you kinda got yourself stuck in the middle of this. Perhaps your niece wasn't going to be invited to the event. Perhaps there was a cut-off for guests, etc. Once you found out the niece didn't get an invitation (from the niece), you should have just provided her the hostess' contact information (and vice versa, should have provided the hostess the niece's telephone number)

 

[bellebud]

The etiquette must be regional... every shower I've been to has been thrown by the grandparents to be, with family members helping out, and 'maybe' very, very close friends helping out. The mother of the mother-to-be specifically, except if she can't for whatever reason.

Starry_solo - I think the OP's niece has the 18 month old. The OP's daughter, the mother-to-be, has the 3yo. And I guess that's why the family isn't throwing the shower, since it's not the mother-to-be's first baby.

 

[Disneybuckeye]

i missed this was a shower for a second baby. I hate showers anyway and no way would I attend one for a second child. I know everyone has an opinion on this issue and mine is showers for the first and that is it.

For family and friends who have subsequent children I either drop off or send a gift a I do want to celebrate the baby's birth. Basic baby needs should have been kept as much as possible from prior child or it is the responsibility of the parents to afford their new addition IMHO.

 

[CdnCarrie]

To me, the mother of the pregnant girl gets first dibs on if she wants to host the baby shower. Work friends usually just do something at work.

Incredibly tacky for the mother of the bride/mother to be to host a shower.

 

[Hikergirl]

Thanks for all the helpful rep!ies. Sorry for some of the confusion. I'll try to clarify my dd is the mother to be and has the 3 yr old. The co workers are all very close friends . when the one called she was asking for family address . for myniece since she had just moved the only thing I wasn't sure of was the house number. She said don't worry I'll be able to find. Which she didn't cause myniece never got an invite. Igaveher the I to I was given . as far as being in the middle. I feel that the person should first of all gotten back to me about the address . also since she told me it was OK for great niece to come she should be the o e to tell her. Not go through my dil. To get to me . eve .ifniece left a message her number would be onID where we,re from kids are always must included family showers. Also the shower is a surprise for my dd . Hopes this clears things up a bit

This isn't really a family shower though, it is a co-worker shower and they are including family. I wouldn't expect kids to be invited to that.
I think if you have a way of contacting the hostess then you should give her your nieces's phone number and she can call her and explain that it is an adult only shower. I would also ask about your dd's 3 year old and not assume she is invited.