How can I nicely tell MIL I don't like her gift idea?

[fortwildernessishome]

I don't know that it's a really good reason. I did have an unpleasant interaction with someone in the band. I don't have any reason to believe I'd have any personal interaction again, but not being a fan to begin with and then having that experience, just soured me to the whole thing. This was before we were married, and my husband has known that I dislike Kiss from the start. He does understand my reasons and I think if MIL didn't buy tickets, he probably wouldn't ask me to go.

So you think that you will end up hanging with the band and have another unpleasant encounter? Seems like a stretch.

Read her quote above where she clearly says, "I don't have any reason to believe I'd have any personal interaction again"

OP, I am on your side here, you shouldn't have to go to something that you feel strongly about not attending. I get what people are saying about sucking it up and just going, I am sure every happily married couple has done that multiple times, BUT everyone has their limit and that should be respected.

A few years ago my husband and I were taking a little vacation to Washington DC. My husband who is a huge hockey fan wanted to catch a Capitols game. It was the very last thing that I wanted to do, but I said sure, get the tickets and lets go. My limit with attending things, is get togethers with an old childhood friend of my husband. I went for many, many years, but came to realize that being around this guy was becoming pretty unpleasant for me. Now, I don't go and happily do something else while my husband goes to visit him. A win-win for all of us.

Best of luck!

 

[disykat]

I agree. OP you do NOT have to attend a concert with your dh just because it was a Christmas present from his mother. Since you have been asked, make it clear you don't know if DH would enjoy it or not and that he would need someone to go with. Be honest and tell her you fear he just won't go alone and the tickets will go unused.

Of course we suck it up and do things for our spouses sometimes, but unless the band is inviting her DH up onto the stage to play there is absolutely no reason for her to need to go.

 

[manning]

I told MIL I wasn't sure, which is true. My husband loved this band when he was younger, but I'm not sure if he's still excited about seeing them live. We go to other concerts that we both enjoy and usually I'm willing to "suck it up" and be the plus one for things I don't particularly enjoy, but this one is going to be a hard "no" from me.

Possible to tell MIL his taste has changed?

 

[Owlpost23]

I think you risk that your husband will refuse the next time you want him to do something that's important to you. So if you're willing to play that card on an event that is only 3 hours, then intervene with the MIL. Is she going to throw you under the bus with your husband? I'd personally bring ear plugs and suck it up. I'd probably go missing 15 minutes into the concert and come back for the last 30 with an excuse. Woops, I got turned around and couldn't find my way back Or, you would not believe how long the lines are to use the women's bathroom!

Are they opening for someone or do they at least have a decent opener?

Sounds a bit passive-aggressive.Go or don't.No in between.

 

[luvsJack]

Just tell her to buy one ticket. He can go, you don’t have to. Problem solved.

My goodness. I don’t know your husband and maybe it doesn’t bother you but it would drive me nuts if dh couldn’t do anything without me.

 

[ReneeA]

If I had an unpleasant interaction with a member of the band years ago, there's no way I'd go again, whether or not my husband would refuse to go. At first, I was thinking along the lines that you just didn't like the music, and that you should suck it up. Personal, unpleasant interaction from your youth with a member if a rock band? Say no more...I'm now firmly in your court.

I'd tell my mil that you aren't sure he's still such a fan. If he gets the tickets for Christmas anyway, I'd be firm and yell him to find a friend because you aren't going.

My DH LOVES ELO. They came in concert this past summer(supposedly their last one ever, because they are ancient and it's retirement time). I sucked it up and went with him to make him happy, but couldn't help but throw some comments out at the venue...like, "There's more durable medical equipment here than at work!" (I work in the hospital). It was true - lots of canes, a few walkers and wheelchairs, and the average age had to be at least 67 years old. So now, they must have made a bazillion dollars last year on tour because now they are going to be back next summer. I told my husband he could go again, but next time with my son. I sucked it up once, that was enough.

 

[jdb in AZ]

I "sucked it up" and went to an oldies concert with DH. The band was so far past their prime I sat there with my fingers in my ears most of the concert, just willing it to be over and done with. Most of the audience had white hair -- it's like a blizzard dumped "snow" inside the auditorium. DH knows that if he wants to see another oldies concert he'll have to take a friend.

 

[Skywalker]

I think the only question is whether or not husband wants to go. It's not about you. Does he ever listen to KISS anymore? Smile when hears their music, turn up the radio? If so it wouldn't be nice to stand in the way of him having a nice gift given to him for Christmas. What he does with it and who he goes with is up to him. Personally, I would go with him. Bring a book lol.

(Something similar happened to a friend of mine and when she found out her husband's "bring a friend" to a hockey game was the pretty new girl at work who just loved hockey, she promptly decided to go with him after all LOL.)

 

[we"reofftoneverland]

If I had an unpleasant interaction with a member of the band years ago, there's no way I'd go again, whether or not my husband would refuse to go. At first, I was thinking along the lines that you just didn't like the music, and that you should suck it up. Personal, unpleasant interaction from your youth with a member if a rock band? Say no more...I'm now firmly in your court.

I'd tell my mil that you aren't sure he's still such a fan. If he gets the tickets for Christmas anyway, I'd be firm and yell him to find a friend because you aren't going.

My DH LOVES ELO. They came in concert this past summer(supposedly their last one ever, because they are ancient and it's retirement time). I sucked it up and went with him to make him happy, but couldn't help but throw some comments out at the venue...like, "There's more durable medical equipment here than at work!" (I work in the hospital). It was true - lots of canes, a few walkers and wheelchairs, and the average age had to be at least 67 years old. So now, they must have made a bazillion dollars last year on tour because now they are going to be back next summer. I told my husband he could go again, but next time with my son. I sucked it up once, that was enough.

You're cracking me up. My DH likes ELO too and I am not a fan. I would never go to an ELO concert with him. Lol

 

[we"reofftoneverland]

Well, here's a perspective from a "selfish" person who has no problem being selfish. There is no way I would go to a concert I really did not want to go to. I would go to one I was meh on to make someone I cared about happy, but not one that I really didn't want to go to. I recently went to some orchestra performance of bleh Russian music for dh. He got the tickets for free at the office and was pretty excited about it. I knew it was going to be boring but dh was so excited about it that I happily went. Meandering music with no melody or discernible theme. Afterwards he was like, "That was awful." Lol. If my MIL asked my opinion on something, I would just be completely honest: "I hate that band. If you buy him tickets he will want me to go." Then it is in her hands. I used to be more of a pushover when I was younger, but after a few epiphanies in my 20s and early 30s, I realized it was important to state how I feel about things. You cannot control other people, so you have no idea how MIL will react, she may not even really care about your opinion, she may have already made her decision, but it is incredibly liberating to say what you think in a direct but non offensive way. Just for the record, I would want MIL to be honest with me if we were in opposite places. I wouldn't want to buy a gift for anyone that would make them uncomfortable.

 

[Turksmom]

Just tell her to buy one ticket. He can go, you don’t have to. Problem solved.

My goodness. I don’t know your husband and maybe it doesn’t bother you but it would drive me nuts if dh couldn’t do anything without me.

It does drive me nuts, but usually we enjoy doing the same things or we do our own things during hours we wouldn't normally be together, so it doesn't happen often. And he doesn't care if I make plans to go do something and he stays home.

 

[luvsJack]

It does drive me nuts, but usually we enjoy doing the same things or we do our own things during hours we wouldn't normally be together, so it doesn't happen often. And he doesn't care if I make plans to go do something and he stays home.

The only thing dh has ever given me grief about not doing with him is going to his Mom’s. I love his mom but she lives about an hour away from us so it’s a full day to visit and some times I just need that day. I finally realized it was because he didn’t want his family to think I didn’t like them! So I just fixed that!


I do understand why you don’t want to go but otoh, if someone mentioned Cher tickets to dh for me and he said no because he hates Cher, I would NEVER forgive him. Well, I probably would but it would take a while lol.

 

[neverlandsky]

I would go because it’s memories with DH and his happiness. Those 2 things alone are priceless. The answer to the question, I wouldn’t dictate anyone’s gift unless it was a pet because I’m extremely allergic.

 

[PollyannaMom]

...There is no way I would go to a concert I really did not want to go to. I would go to one I was meh on to make someone I cared about happy, but not one that I really didn't want to go to. I recently went to some orchestra performance of bleh Russian music for dh. He got the tickets for free at the office and was pretty excited about it. I knew it was going to be boring but dh was so excited about it that I happily went...

I think this explains it well. I'm perfectly willing to go to things that bore me for DH's sake, and he for mine, but neither expects the other to go to something that actually pains them.

He just feels like if an event happens during hours we would normally be together, that we have to go together. We both go out to lunch with friends during the work day, he travels for conferences and I've taken the kids to Disney without him and that's all fine. I really don't know why this is a sticking point. He also wasn't like this when we were first married, so it does deserve deeper investigation, but for now, I'm trying to get through the holidays without unnecessary conflict.

It does seem weird. It's really a shame he wouldn't just go with someone else.

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

I think you're right. I was looking for a way that i wouldn't be the bad guy because it is a nice idea and I'd like for him to go if he wants (Just not with me!), but I am definitely not going to give on this one, so I'll have to take the responsibility for that.

You're looking for a way to be the bad guy that doesn't involve being the bad guy. Not gonna happen.

 

[wenrob]

The only thing dh has ever given me grief about not doing with him is going to his Mom’s. I love his mom but she lives about an hour away from us so it’s a full day to visit and some times I just need that day. I finally realized it was because he didn’t want his family to think I didn’t like them! So I just fixed that!


I do understand why you don’t want to go but otoh, if someone mentioned Cher tickets to dh for me and he said no because he hates Cher, I would NEVER forgive him. Well, I probably would but it would take a while lol.

But you wouldn’t be insisting your DH go with you if for whatever reason he was opposed right? That’s the OP’s issue. She’s not against him getting the gift she’s against the disharmony it’s going to cause because he will insist that she goes and will not go without her.

OP just be up front with MIL and put the ball in her court. She probably doesn’t realize she’s put you in an awkward position.

 

[scoutie]

I think the issue is the husband being upset that she wouldn’t go. I don’t get why he can’t go alone or with a friend. For instance, I hate sports. My husband got a ticket to an outdoor football game in winter, and I am definitely not going. He would never make me go either knowing how I feel. Being married doesn’t mean having to do everything together.

 

[mjkacmom]

You're looking for a way to be the bad guy that doesn't involve being the bad guy. Not gonna happen.

She’s not being the bad guy. If my MIL bought KISS tickets for DH, he’d have no problem finding a friend to go with him. He wouldn’t be a baby and pout if I didn’t join him.

 

[luvsJack]

But you wouldn’t be insisting your DH go with you if for whatever reason he was opposed right? That’s the OP’s issue. She’s not against him getting the gift she’s against the disharmony it’s going to cause because he will insist that she goes and will not go without her.

OP just be up front with MIL and put the ball in her court. She probably doesn’t realize she’s put you in an awkward position.

I wouldn’t have to insist. He would go. Just like he went to see Wicked and The Fiddler on the Roof and wasn’t thrilled. And I would do the same. Not saying we never go without each other but sometimes we do give a little for what the other wants.

If it makes your spouse happy are you not willing to sacrifice a little?

I mean I get why she doesn’t want to go, and it would bug me if he would t just plan to go without me, but I wouldn’t tell someone not to give him the tickets. I would either go myself or figure out a solution to someone going with him. He is an adult he should be able to figure it out if she says she isn’t going.




It seems like the op is going to an awful lot of trouble to keep this possible present a surprise but keeps saying maybe he wouldn’t want to go anyway. I think she knows that isn’t true and is just trying to justify telling the mil not to buy the tickets. Sounds like manipulation to me. And something perhaps mil and dh will not be happy about. He needs to grow up and stop pouting and she needs to be honest.

 

[MaryLovesPoohBear]

This is perspective from a MIL—-I often check with my DIL regarding what my son would like/need as a gift. I do this because they live far away, I really don’t get to spend much time with my son, I’m not sure of his preferences. If I come up with an idea for a gift, I run it past DIL first. I would appreciate her being honest, I wouldn’t want my hard earned $$$ going to waste. My feelings wouldn’t be hurt if DIL explained the situation to me. I wouldn’t want to buy them a gift that would cause disharmony. Maybe MIL purchase a Visa type gift card in the amount of the tickets, let her son decide if he really wants to see KISS again?

Problem is, the OP doesn't want to look like the bad guy. So she wants to lie about her husband liking or not liking the band. I'm sure she could convince herself that he doesn't really want to see KISS. But the question is, is it his preference or hers?

I remember my husband going to a concert for me. He really doesn't enjoy the band. Not his kind of music, not his kind of band. But he drove over 2 hours, spent a night in a hotel and attended with me. Why? Because he knew I would really enjoy it. And he knew if he didn't do it, he would regret it.

I "sucked it up" and went to an oldies concert with DH. The band was so far past their prime I sat there with my fingers in my ears most of the concert, just willing it to be over and done with. Most of the audience had white hair -- it's like a blizzard dumped "snow" inside the auditorium. DH knows that if he wants to see another oldies concert he'll have to take a friend.

Please tell me that you were exaggerating. That you really weren't so rude that you sat there with your fingers in your ears.