How old is "too old" for a woman to have a baby?

[bigbabyblues]

As others have said, I don't think there is a right or wrong, everyone is different.

30 was my self-imposed limit. I had my kids at 24 and 26. When I was 27, I was having health problems and my doctor told me if I was going to have another child, it was time to think about it and that likely if I didn't have it in the next two years, I wouldn't be able to. We didn't think we wanted to try to have a third child, after about 2 weeks of thinking I was pregnant due to symptoms of something else, we knew our family was complete with 2 and DH had a vasectomy. My health issues have been resolved, but at 41, there is no way in heck I would want to have another baby now.

My best friend got married right after high school and had her first child at 19; she is now a grandma. I'm nowhere near ready for that, but she is thrilled (we are both 41).

 

[Sleepy425]

For me, personally, I wanted to be done by 30. I had my first at 26, second at 28. My twins were born when I was 29, but they are adopted so I didn't have to do the pregnancy thing that time. Now, at 33, I am DONE with babies (my husband had a vasectomy and I have an IUD - I want no chance of another infant in the house). DCF calls us for infants and I just laugh and hang up. But that is just me - I wanted to be done early so I can enjoy time with my husband while we are still somewhat young. Other people enjoy their alone time with their spouse first, then have kids late.

 

[Owlpost23]

The only argument my MIL and I ever had was over a woman in her 60's having a baby.She said if love is there,it's all wonderful.I countered with just because you can,doesn't mean you should.You have to think of the child in these situations.My mother was born when my Mima was 42,and my mother HATED the fact that Mima was mistaken for her grandmother all the time.My best friend's father had the same problem-it's tough to have children and aging is huge factor.

 

[Magpie]

My mom comes from a very large Irish-Catholic family. My gma started having babies at 19 and had her last (my mom- number 16) at age 47. Her doctor told her to stop or she would die by 50...so from that day on, her and my gpa had separate bedrooms! LOL

If the doc wouldn't have told her that....who knows, she may have had them until she went into menopause at 55! I wouldn't recommend it though, she died at age 76 when my mom was only 29. It was very hard on her not having her mother around at that age and her doc said the constant pregnancies put too much strain on her body.

Oh gosh! I can't imagine.

I hope they moved back in together at 55!

 

[PrincessShmoo]

The only argument my MIL and I ever had was over a woman in her 60's having a baby.She said if love is there,it's all wonderful.I countered with just because you can,doesn't mean you should.You have to think of the child in these situations.My mother was born when my Mima was 42,and my mother HATED the fact that Mima was mistaken for her grandmother all the time.My best friend's father had the same problem-it's tough to have children and aging is huge factor.

I was 38, 40 & 44 when I had my kids. We didn't marry until we were late 30s, so having our kids "early" wasn't an option.

I kinda enjoyed walking through the mall with my husband and our first two in the stroller (only 18 months apart) and hearing the comment "Looks like Grandma & Grandpa have the kids this weekend.". I would just smile, and, if possible, say "No, they're our kids".

Yes, the biggest worry I had, when having kids when I was older, was the concern that they wouldn't "have" their parents around as long as their friends might. As it turns out, quite unfounded. All 3 are 20something+ and we're still hanging in there strong and fit. We're still trying to work out when my husband is going to retire.

But, you can't really control life, I certainly wasn't planning on having kids at a time of life that would make them all be considered "oops babies" for another generation. But I'm not sure that applies any longer as there are many who delay having kids these days.

You play the game of life the way that nature hands it to you.

 

[gotomu212]

Probably not news to many here, but fertility peaks at about age 22 (ergo, statistical probability of an egg getting fetrilized is highest) and definitely shows sharp declines by age 30. And those who have had children after 35 already know the probablity of birth defects rises after that age.

While true for the aggregate population, fertility peaks and drop offs vary GREATLY by individual woman. Genetics play a factor as does general health. Some women will not have a significant drop off until much later and some women will also peak earlier.

 

[ols386]

Probably by early-mid 40s. I was 25 and 27 when I had my kids.

 

[LSUmiss]

While true for the aggregate population, fertility peaks and drop offs vary GREATLY by individual woman. Genetics play a factor as does general health. Some women will not have a significant drop off until much later and some women will also peak earlier.

To that end, I got pregnant first try at age 38.

 

[princesspiglet]

Oh gosh! I can't imagine.

I hope they moved back in together at 55!

LOL! They did. As soon as my gma was told that she "went" through menopause, her and gpa started sleeping in the same bedroom again. I can't imagine not being a "couple" like that for 8 years, but they somehow managed it. 2 months before she died, they celebrated their 60 year wedding anniversary (yes- they got married at 16!!)

 

[PollyannaMom]

I had both of my sons when I was very young. I had my dd at 34 and I have been older than most of her friends' parents. But, honestly, I was a calmer parent when she was a baby/toddler than with my boys. I wasn't as worried about the little stuff and just sat back and enjoyed all the little stages with her. So there is something to be said about being a bit older.

That's a good point. A friend of mine has toddler twins, and I sometimes watch them. I've noticed that I have more patience for "living at their pace" and just observing than I remember having with my own, who is now almost 17. (But there is no way I could have handled the sleep deprivation at this age!) I definitely think there is a balance - probably different for everyone - between the energy of youth and the wisdom of age.

I had my DS just a month after I turned 30, and it was the right time for me. I felt like I'd had enough time to myself so I could be really unselfish, and we were settled enough financially that I could stay home for a few years. But at the same time, I didn't feel like I was older than all his friends' parents, or at high risk for complications.

As to the original question, I don't think there is a universal age when a woman is too old. She's done when she wants to be or when she personally can't have any more, and all I'm going to say is "Congratulations! When can I start buying presents?"

 

[DisneylandDarling]

Obviously correlation does not equal causation, but wanted to give a perk (is that the word?) of having kids later in life. Most of the smarty top 10% kids in H.S. were born to "older" mothers (35+). Don't have an exact theory on that, but take it for what you will!

*This coming from one of those top 5% H.S. kids born to a mother at 37 with siblings after.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Obviously correlation does not equal causation, but wanted to give a perk (is that the word?) of having kids later in life. Most of the smarty top 10% kids in H.S. were born to "older" mothers (35+). Don't have an exact theory on that, but take it for what you will!

*This coming from one of those top 5% H.S. kids born to a mother at 37 with siblings after.

Meh, I was one of those kids. My mom turned 19 shortly before I was born (my dad was 21)--I juast happen to be good at school. I doubt the age has much to do with it, beyond the idea that older parents are more likely to have gotten a higher level of education themselves and therefore to value education and pass that on to their children.

 

[NHdisneylover]

That's a good point. A friend of mine has toddler twins, and I sometimes watch them. I've noticed that I have more patience for "living at their pace" and just observing than I remember having with my own, who is now almost 17. (But there is no way I could have handled the sleep deprivation at this age!) I definitely think there is a balance - probably different for everyone - between the energy of youth and the wisdom of age.

I find your, and the quoted comment so interesting. When i taught preschool many years ago (before kids--we're talking a couple of decades now!) us teachers used to comment on how the older parents were always the super over protective, worried about everything ones.
Personally, I had so much experience teaching little ones and working with them in daycare that i was pretty confident in my parenting and laid back.

Maybe it's more prior experience with young children than age?

 

[DisneylandDarling]

Meh, I was one of those kids. My mom turned 19 shortly before I was born 8my dad was 21). I doubt the age has much tro do with it, beyond the idea that older parents are more likely to have gotten a higher level of education themselves and therefore to value education and pass that on to their children.

That's why I made sure to put correlation doesn't equal causation It was just interesting that most of those kids were born to parents later in life. I'm sure there are quite a few born to young ones and all in between, too. Just seems like a higher rate for older parents, but who knows.

 

[PollyannaMom]

I find your, and the quoted comment so interesting. When i taught preschool many years ago (before kids--we're talking a couple of decades now!) us teachers used to comment on how the older parents were always the super over protective, worried about everything ones.
Personally, I had so much experience teaching little ones and working with them in daycare that i was pretty confident in my parenting and laid back.

Maybe it's more prior experience with young children than age?

That's a really good point! - I think you're right. Besides raising my own, I've been substitute teaching during those years, a lot of it in preschool. I have way more information to draw on now - watching them play is almost like a scientific observation! The preschool experience makes it easier for me to judge what they're ready for and not, without second-guessing myself, and I know the long-range effects of various habits with my own, so I'm less likely to give in to certain things (though I'm still the "fun auntie" in other areas! )

I wonder if maybe the older preschool parents you were observing were the ones who had a lot of trouble conceiving and were carrying some leftover nerves from all that hoping and being disappointed. Maybe they were more afraid of "messing up," since it had taken them so much effort to get where they were? It would be interesting to compare the older ones with first kids to the older ones with third or forth kids.

 

[Poohforyou]

Hopes and reality are often two very different things. I didn't get married until I was 32, after 5 years of infertility we adopted Dd just after my 38th birthday. Most of my daughter's friends moms are around my age. In our area it's common for women to spend their 20's into their 30's getting established in their careers before starting a family. I had no trouble having a young child through my 40's, but I'm in a lot better shape than some women 1/2 my age.

OP, are you sure the non excitement isn't more about this being baby #9 than the mom's age? I can imagine having a baby at 40+, I can't imagine having 9.

 

[luvsJack]

I find your, and the quoted comment so interesting. When i taught preschool many years ago (before kids--we're talking a couple of decades now!) us teachers used to comment on how the older parents were always the super over protective, worried about everything ones.
Personally, I had so much experience teaching little ones and working with them in daycare that i was pretty confident in my parenting and laid back.

Maybe it's more prior experience with young children than age?

I worked in child care also so that may have been a part of it

I was so young when I had my sons (18 and 21) and had constant advise from all sides. My Mother and MIL were very different and both thought their way was the right way so part of my issue was as much trying to please both of them as it was feeling like I had to protect my little guys from every little thing.

With Dd, being older and having two kids I didn't receive all the advise. And ignored most of it when I did. I didn't worry about getting her to sleep all night, for instance, I knew it would come and just enjoyed our late night rocking sessions. I didn't stress over potty training, it happened very naturally. I didn't care if grandma drove up while we were out playing in the rain and the mud, we were having fun. I wasn't in a rush to get her off her bottle or eating table food. I just slowed down and enjoyed each stage.

My experience in child care is somewhat different from yours though. I found the younger parents harder to deal with sometimes. Everything was our fault no matter how many times we tried to explain that it was something that was just normal for the child's age or with kids in general.

 

[LSUmiss]

Meh, I was one of those kids. My mom turned 19 shortly before I was born (my dad was 21)--I juast happen to be good at school. I doubt the age has much to do with it, beyond the idea that older parents are more likely to have gotten a higher level of education themselves and therefore to value education and pass that on to their children.

But, I think that part is relative that parents are likely to have gotten a higher level of education if their older.

 

[LSUmiss]

That's a really good point! - I think you're right. Besides raising my own, I've been substitute teaching during those years, a lot of it in preschool. I have way more information to draw on now - watching them play is almost like a scientific observation! The preschool experience makes it easier for me to judge what they're ready for and not, without second-guessing myself, and I know the long-range effects of various habits with my own, so I'm less likely to give in to certain things (though I'm still the "fun auntie" in other areas! )

I wonder if maybe the older preschool parents you were observing were the ones who had a lot of trouble conceiving and were carrying some leftover nerves from all that hoping and being disappointed. Maybe they were more afraid of "messing up," since it had taken them so much effort to get where they were? It would be interesting to compare the older ones with first kids to the older ones with third or forth kids.

I think it’s that, but I also think it’s b/c older parents are more experienced at life & realize all that can go wrong. In general, the older you are the more cautious you tend to be about everything. That’s why car insurances & other things get cheaper when you get older.

 

[Colleen27]

But, I think that part is relative that parents are likely to have gotten a higher level of education if their older.

From what I've seen - also careful to note that the plural of anecdote is not data - older parents are also more likely to "invest" in academic extracurriculars and such. In sports, there's a range of parental ages. In music lessons, it skews older. In robotics and computer programming activities, older still (with a noticeable geek-outlier subset). That could also contribute to the children of older parents developing more school-relevant skills at an early age.

Also, "red shirting" for academic reasons is something older and more affluent parents do. Younger and lower income parents look forward to the start of kindergarten as a break from high daycare bills or the everyday duties of having a child at home, while older parents seem to look more carefully at readiness. And it has been pretty well established that older kids perform better in the early grades and often get tracked onto higher-level academic paths before the simple developmental differences even out, giving them a more or less permanent advantage over their younger classmates.

I think it’s that, but I also think it’s b/c older parents are more experienced at life & realize all that can go wrong. In general, the older you are the more cautious you tend to be about everything. That’s why car insurances & other things get cheaper when you get older.

I've been joking with my mom that this is why people her age don't have kids (she's 70 - they really don't!). She is forever worrying about things that my kids are doing, and I know for a fact that some of them didn't phase her one bit when my brother and I were younger. She's just gotten much, much more cautious with age, and my MIL is even worse. We're not even telling MIL about DD16 applying to a foreign exchange program because we know how she's going to react; she didn't like DD going to summer camp at Texas A&M and hates that she's looking at urban colleges because cities are so unsafe.