Question about funeral etiquette

[Lilsia]

I was wondering if this was something that is typically done, since I have never seen it. When my Mom died, at her wake, one of her coworkers put in what looked like a note, into her casket. She was not family, nor even a close friend and my mom only talked to her at work, none of us had even met her, so just a coworker. I found it odd and it upset me at the time that this stranger would do that, especially without asking any family member if we objected. Is this something that people do, put things in people's coffins?

 

[HarleenQ]

People do, yes. But I've never experienced that with a virtual stranger of the family. I've only known close friends or family members to do things like that.

Honestly, I probably would have taken the note and read it when it was all over. My anxiety doesn't do well with the unknown, and always wondering what it said and who this person was would probably drive me to madness.

 

[marthachick]

Never heard of this and I wouldn’t appreciate it from a casual acquaintance who didn’t ask permission.

 

[Disneylover99]

People do, yes. But I've never experienced that with a virtual stranger of the family. I've only known close friends or family members to do things like that.

Honestly, I probably would have taken the note and read it when it was all over. My anxiety doesn't do well with the unknown, and always wondering what it said and who this person was would probably drive me to madness.

I’d sneak a peek too!

 

[lynxstch]

I have never seen anyone do this at a wake. If I wanted to do it, I would most certainly ask permission from someone in the family. I don't blame you for being upset, that seems very odd to me

 

[Lilsia]

Thanks, I was wondering if I was over reacting a bit. It is an emotional time anyway but this really stuck with me.

 

[fly girl]

I was wondering if this was something that is typically done, since I have never seen it. When my Mom died, at her wake, one of her coworkers put in what looked like a note, into her casket. She was not family, nor even a close friend and my mom only talked to her at work, none of us had even met her, so just a coworker. I found it odd and it upset me at the time that this stranger would do that, especially without asking any family member if we objected. Is this something that people do, put things in people's coffins?

I have seen close immediate family put in belongings and notes, but not a random co-worker. That is odd. And said person should have definitely asked the family permission to do so. It is not their place to add things to the casket.

And like PP, I would've taken it out before it was closed for the last time. It would have made me crazy too.

 

[anniemae]

I have seen close family and friends do this. My uncle loved playing cards and smoking cigars so his brother put some cigars and a deck of cards in.

As far as your situation, I would have just let her do it and read the note when everyone left. You don't know what transpired between them. They may have been coworkers, but maybe they were closer than you thought. Maybe your mom helped her through a particularly difficult time, showed her kindness when she needed it. Or maybe they had a fight and the woman needed closure. I do think you had a right to read the note.

 

[DisLiss]

I've seen many people put things in caskets. It all seems to depend on the person who passed away. As mentioned earlier sometimes we're not aware of how our loved ones touched the lives of others. I personally would not be upset at all, simply because to me it's not unusual, but how I feel has no bearing on how you feel and I am so sorry that someone inadvertently made you feel even more upset. I do certainly agree that someone in a similar situation as you were in has the right to remove the note if they wish and to read it as well. I do think they might want to decide to read it with caution, though, because if something in the notes raises additional questions the person may not have a way of getting answers for the questions they now have.

 

[jiminyC_fan]

Personally, I feel that was wrong and I would not have been happy about it.

 

[ronandannette]

I have seen close family and friends do this. My uncle loved playing cards and smoking cigars so his brother put some cigars and a deck of cards in.

As far as your situation, I would have just let her do it and read the note when everyone left. You don't know what transpired between them. They may have been coworkers, but maybe they were closer than you thought. Maybe your mom helped her through a particularly difficult time, showed her kindness when she needed it. Or maybe they had a fight and the woman needed closure. I do think you had a right to read the note.

This - totally. I'd immediately assume that even if your mother never expressed a closeness for this person, she was likely very fond of your mother. There are people in our lives that just really have an inpact - KWIM? Many times we never have a chance to tell them, and regret it. I have a feeling that if the OP had read the note, she would have found a touching tribute to her Dmom.

 

[Lilsia]

This - totally. I'd immediately assume that even if your mother never expressed a closeness for this person, she was likely very fond of your mother. There are people in our lives that just really have an inpact - KWIM? Many times we never have a chance to tell them, and regret it. I have a feeling that if the OP had read the note, she would have found a touching tribute to her Dmom.

I did not touch the note and as far as I know, it went into the grave. I found it strange that a person would do that to someone who is not a family member without at least asking. You never know if it is something that a person's culture of beliefs do not allow.

 

[BuckeyeBama]

Hard to understand people that we do not know, but it seemed like an innocent act that was probably done with love.

 

[EMom]

I would have read it, but that's me. I put a photo of my child in with my mother. I have several cremated cats, still in containers. I have told DH to sneak them in the casket with me.

 

[kiddo76]

I would have been upset.While everyone experiences and expresses grief in different ways, wakes are about the deceased immediate loved ones. It seems a little narcissistic for this coworker to place something in the casket. While my siblings and I included small, meaningful tokens of remembrance in my parents vaults for their urns, I would not have wanted something from a stranger to be included.

 

[Skywalker]

I can understand this being a bit disconcerting, and I would probably have read the note when I had the chance. However, please remember that our loved ones can and do have meaningful relationships that we may never really be aware of. When my dad died there were many people there I never even knew, but they obviously had been touched by him in some way. You call her a "stranger", but I would assume your mother meant a lot to this co-worker and that she meant well. Nothing to be gained being upset by this, people grieve in mysterious ways.

 

[fsjking]

My mom put an old set of keys in with my dad when he passed, since he always had to have a set of keys on him.

3 months later, we realized the old set of keys were to a work truck we needed to sell....

 

[Hikergirl]

I think it is appropriate for close family but if anyone else wants to do it they should ask the family if it would be OK. I would have taken it out.

 

[smiths02]

We buried my DH's grandmother last month, and it struck me that the funeral director was very meticulous in asking if the family wanted her glasses and if the family wanted to be there when the casket was closed. In other words, it seems like standard protocol is for the family to decide what is actually in the casket. I am pretty sure that the funeral director would have asked the family if they wanted that note in there. My point is that I do believe that it is not proper etiquette for acquaintances to put notes in caskets.

 

[MIGrandma]

When my Grandfather died my Mom let me put a pink Brach’s Peppermint candy in his pocket, as he always had a few in his pocket for the grandkids. And I think other grandkids put things in the casket too but I don’t remember what.

When my Mom passed away I put a crochet needle and ball of yarn in the casket with her, and our oldest granddaughter had played euchre many times with her so she put a loaner hand (cards) by her hands. She asked if it was okay and I was pleased she wanted to.