Wendy's "I'm Going to SCOTLAND!!!!" Weight Loss Journey(Scotland Trip Report Pg 10)

[whgrn]

Today I had my fitness assessment. It went very well. I really have come a long, long way!

We compared today's results with those from 3 months ago, and also from March. WOW

The results for today/ September/ March:
Weight 194/ 210/ 258
Neck 12.3/ 12.5/ 13.3
Chest 36.8/ 38.5/ 44
Waist 34/ 35/ 41.5
Hips 44.8/ 48.8/ 53.5
Bicep 12/13/15.25
Thigh 24.5/ 25/ 29.25
Calf 19/ 20.5/ 22
BMI 33.3/ 36/ 43.5

Bicep strength 68#/ 51/ 37
Flexibility 16.2"/ 15"/ ---
Body Fat %age 28.2/ 30.9/ 36.9

Looking at these measurements, I can see why all of a sudden my clothes stopped fitting me--1.75 inches in my chest, 2.25 in the waist and FOUR in the hips! That explains alot! Another really cool thing is that my Body Age (how I compare with others of the same age and sex) is down to 46 from 49 in September, and over 50 in March. (not bad considering my REAL age is 48!)

My BMR now is 1971 calories. My current food plan is 1400-1600, and i'm usually at the higher end of that range. Assuming my BMR doesn't change dramatically over the next 5 pounds lost, I should be able to eat 1800 calories without a problem in maintenance.

I made an appointment with the nutritionist to discuss food planning for maintenance. This is new territory for me, since i've never reached goal weight before, and never been on mainenance!

I have my annual physical in a couple of weeks. My doctor is going to LOVE these results! Hopefully my bloodwork will also be good. My cholesterol and triglycerides are always low, but some of the other levels have been abnormal. My blood pressure remains a nice, healthy 100/62. Gotta love it!

 

[donac]

COngrats on the great results

 

[Pikester]

 

[whgrn]

When I went for my fitness assessment last week, the nurse suggested I try some classes. Since I felt the need to "shake things up" with my workouts, I agreed that it was a good idea.

So, on her recommendation, this morning I headed for the 8:45 Pilates Mat class. She had assured me that my current fitness level would make this class a perfect fit for me.

I walked into the nearly dark room, found a mat and a spot on the floor, and took off my sneakers, as everyone else had done (I'd actually wondered what type of shoes one wears for Pilates, now I know!) I saw that everyone had some sort of a round, ring type thingy, so I got one of those too. I took a seat on my mat and waited for class to begin.

We started out with some stretching. First thing, everyone sits Indian style. Umm, can't do that, so I modified. Not particularly comfortable, so I kept changing how I was sitting. But I was able to do all the stretches, and they felt pretty good. Hey, not too bad!

Next, we lay on our backs and did some leg lift sorts of things, some crunches of some kind, some bridges, and some other stuff I seem to have blocked from my memory. Several times I just had to stop, because my legs couldn't stay up in the air any longer! I WAS pleased to see that the one move that had us coming up to a sitting position from flat on our backs was quite do-able for me, although I got the feeling that my abs would be singing to me later today, and it wouldn't be the Hallelujah Chorus.

Then it was time to pick up the rings. They're sort of a bendable ring with foam hand holds on each side. But all I could think of was the sensor rings in the "Coneheads" movie!! (you know, the ones they use for Conehead "sex".) Anyway, it started out ok, holding them overhead while we did leg lifts--it was supposed to help the "mind-body connection". Whatever. Then, she told us to put the ring between our feet. Um, how? I had to sit up to do it, but when I tried to lie down, it kept falling out! Everyone else seemed to have had no problem, and was happily doing the moves as the instructor called them out. I was still fighting with the sensor ring.

She had us turn on our sides and do some small leg lifts. Now THIS I can do! I do it every session with my trainer, and with weights! She came around to check our form, and commented that even though I was unable to do some of the other moves, I did have perfect form. Well, form before function, right? I was fine at that point, until she said to put the ring between my shins and compress it somewhat between the legs. Umm, OW! That hurts! But again, everyone else seemed to be fine with it, so I just did my best. My hips were making nasty remarks about the stupidity of being in this class, but I ignored them and kept going.

Time to turn on our stomachs. Off come the glasses. Rest your nose on the mat. Imagine pushing a marble with your nose. So far, so good. But then she had us get on all fours. Um, I can't DO that. My knees don't work right, they don't bend that far, and I can't really do it. So I SORT OF did it, but not all the way up on my knees. That was just fine, until she asked us to raise up our right arm, and then our left leg. AT THE SAME TIME! Which would have left me supporting all 187.4 pounds of me on my right knee and left arm! NOT gonna happen honey!

At this point they started doing all sorts of funky moves that were so far out of the realm of possibility for me that I just lay down on the mat and watched everyone else. I sneeked a peek at the clock and saw that we had 10 minutes to go. Now she wants us to get into "child's position". HUH?? So I watch the others, and they all fold their knees under them and sit back on their calves. Hmm, I couldn't do that when I was 8 years old! "Now bend foreward and stretch your arms out". In other words, fold yourself up into a tiny little package and you can probably fit into a large suitcase, suitable for shipping to some far-away place where they've never heard of Pilates. Needless to say, I was unable to do this part. OR the part where you make a "C" out of your body, with your legs in a "V" position, and roll back onto your back and then up to a nearly seated poisiton, over and over and over.

Finally, it was time to stand up. Yay! I can DO that! So up I came onto my feet, and was able to "stack my spine" up quite nicely into the stretches she had us do. At last, the class came to an end, and I gratefully put away my mat and sensor ring, put my sneakers back on, and took a nice, long drink of water.

I headed out the door, intending to hit the elliptical and spend 45 minutes doing something that I'm actually GOOD at. But coming in was a friend from church who teaches classes there at the gym. "What are you doing?", she asks me. I told her I had just taken a Pilates class, and she asked why I didn't take hers. (Believe me, I know better. I've heard all about her classes, and she is BRUTAL!) So she says I should take her spin class. LOL, yeah, right! I explained that I can't ride a bike because I don't have enough bend in my knees. So she drags me into the spin class room, shows me her bike, and has me hop on and try it. Sure enough, I can't do it. But she persists, and says next week when she isn't running to teach a class, she'll get me set up on a bike so I can turn the pedals, and then I can take her class.

Well, I really DO want to be able to ride a bike. It's my long term goal. So I told her, "If you can get a bike to work for me, I'll take your class". I figure it's a worthwhile trade. Besides, I'm pretty sure I'm safe--she's not gonna be able to get one to work, so I'm not gonna have to take the class!

I headed off to the elliptical, and stopped on the way to check the class schedule for next week. Because on Thursday, I'm trying another class. Turbo Kick. Sorta like kick boxing, very fun.

According to the same nurse who said Pilates would be a great idea for me.

I wonder if I'll live to see Friday...

 

[donac]

How are you feling this morning?

 

[whgrn]

How are you feling this morning?

Oh, the PAIN!!! I think my body is rebelling. I have pain in muscles I didn't know I even had!

I need a good long soak in a jacuzzi, followed by a 2 hour massage. Yeah, like that's gonna happen...

 

[donac]

I have a couple of pilates tapes and I know how you feel.

It should start easing today and getting better by tomorrow.

Good Luck

 

[whgrn]

I have a couple of pilates tapes and I know how you feel.

It should start easing today and getting better by tomorrow.

Good Luck

Hmmm, stil hurts--ALOT!!!

I saw the nutritionist today and she gave me an A+ on food and fitness!! Woohooo! BUT she says I should do Pilates once a week! (she promises my body will get used to it--so what, I just have to suffer the agony until then??)

 

[whgrn]

I am officially down 100 pounds!

I stepped on the scale today and saw 185.8 and just about screamed for joy!!! (but the kids were still sleeping...) I did it!! I really did it!! Thank you God!

So, off to the gym for my workout, and then home to change and put on my UGG boots!!! It felt so cool to put them on, tuck my jeans inside, and tromp down the hall. They are very comfy and I really love them. But more than that is the meaning behind them. When I look at them, I know how hard I worked for them. I imagine I'll be wearing them ALOT this winter!

So, I was thinking about what it means to have lost 100 pounds. That's ALOT of pounds! 5 Thanksgiving turkeys. My daughter, fully dressed in snow boots, parka,, snow pants, and all the underlying layers. 10 bags of sugar.

Then I remembered that Token Fat Guy would always post a list of things that weigh as much as he has lost. So I decided to check it out.

I have lost:
A large male deer
A Hellfire missle
A Barrett M-99 Benchrest rifle
A Newfoundland dog
A hawkbill sea turtle
4 bags of dog food
3 1/3 propane tanks--FULL
2 1/2 5-gallon water bottles

Now, I can NOT imagine lifting any of these things. (heck, I struggle with ONE of those water jugs!) But that's exactly what I did, day in and day out, just a year ago. No wonder I always looked for the closest parking spot, the shortest route, the easiest way. Self preserrvation, no doubt!

How things have changed! I park whereever there's a spot. Sometimes that means a good long walk, but I don't mind. I can do it! I carry stuff all the time that I couldn't have done before. And, rather than needing an ECV like a year ago, I'm sure that I could walk all over Disneyworld with no problem!

Some other things have gotten alot easier too:
Getting up out of a chair (and for that matter, I've noticed that chairs have gotten MUCH bigger in the past year!)
Buying clothes
Tying my shoes
Putting on socks
Cooking that involves standing for a long time
Grocery shopping
Playing with the dog

Even just my everyday activities are easier, faster, and more automatic. I barely notice that I'm even walking, where it used to be a struggle. Taking a shower doesn't leave me feeling winded. Heck, putting up Chrismtas decoractions was even easier this year!

Next week I will go for my annual physical. No doubt there have been HUGE changes there as well. Eating the way I do, and exercising regularly, can only have a positive impact on my lab work, my EKG, my blood pressure.

I'm finally getting used to the compliments. In fact, I rather enjoy them! Quite an ego boost, really. But I know I didn't do this for the compliments. I did this for ME. For my health. For my future.

10.8 pounds to go and then I'll hit maintenance. I figure it will probably take me until April to lose it, since I hope to just maintain for the month after surgery. (recovering from major surgery does not go along well with weight loss!) Then the fun begins, the real challenge, of maintenance.

The difference this time is that it hasn't been about a diet--it's truly a lifestyle change. And I exercise now, which I never did before. A whole different way of life. By God's grace, I have come this far, and by His strength I will finish the job and continue on in my new life as a thin person.

I have to be honest and say that I did not do this myself. Not even close. Without God, without SparkPeople, without my family and friends, without my trainers, without Canyon Ranch, without Scotland, this would not have happened. But all of those things and people came together to make this a success, one that could not have happened on my power alone.

So thank you to everyone who has encouraged me, supported me, held my hand when I cried, cheered me on, listened to me when I needed to vent, and most of all, believed in me when I wasn't sure I could believe in myself. I may have lost 100 pounds, but I've gained infinitely more of what's really important in life.

 

[donac]

Congrats Wendy

 

[M&N]

Way to GO!

 

[Pikester]

I knew you could do it!!

 

[whgrn]

Well, Christmas has come and almost gone. Overall it was a really good one. But different in SO many ways!

For starters, there were the presents. I had asked the kids for a set of dumbbells--3, 5, and 8 pounds. And that's exactly what they got me! In addition, Santa brought me a Pilates DVD and a new iPod Nano with an armband for wearing it at the gym. Fitness equipment is the last thing I'd ever have asked for in the past, but this year it was all I really wanted. Of course, my favorite present came from the scale this morning--down 2 pounds this week!!

Next, there was a big difference in the food. Not only was most of what I cooked organic and lacking in poisions like trans fats and high fructose corn syrup, but there was more emphasis on veggies and fruits. Also, the portions were MUCH smaller! I paced myself through the day so I didn't get too full to enjoy the next meal. Breakfast was the pancakes I'd so looked forward to, but they were quite a disappointment. Lunch was a simple turkey sandwich with the roll gutted, but it was dry and pretty unappealing. I added a cup of grape tomatoes and enjoyed those alot better than the sandwich.

I'd made Butternut and Apple Soup from a recipe I got from the chef on our riverboat cruise last summer. We had all LOVED the soup, and I had agreed to make it for Christmas dinner. Again, a big disappointment. It had nowhere near the flavor of the original, which was so good I could have eaten it for dessert! Fortunately, dinner was quite nice. The chicken was moist and tender, the stuffing was delicious, and the peas, mashed potatoes, rolls and cranberry sauce did not disappoint.

DD had gotten a Soft Serve Ice Cream Maker from Grandma and Grandpa, so we'd planned on her making some for dessert. It turned out really yummy, and was perfect on top of my apple pie, which could have used a little more time in the oven to soften up the apples. The taste was certainly not compromised though, and we all enjoyed it--just a small piece for me, thank you!

Yes, I grazed a bit during the day. A couple pieces of shortbread that Santa put in my stocking, a couple of nibbles of the mini M&Ms the kids got, but I really did not go overboard. I logged a good part of my food, and, while I knew I was over my calorie range, I didn't feel like I'd just "blown it".

Finally, I think the biggest difference was ME. Both physically and mentally, I am such a different person than I was last Christmas. I was on my feet most of the day, and yet my feet, legs, and back aren't bothering me a bit. I was much less stressed than usual, and really enjoyed opening the presents and watching the kids' reactions. I didn't worry that things weren't perfect, I just did my best and that was good enough. And, while I did feel that it was a "free" day food-wise, I didn't feel the need to "get it all in today cause tomorrow it's back to the famine".

It was so nice to be able to concentrate on the best parts of the holiday--spending time with family and friends. I had a great visit with my BFF and her family at lunchtime. DD joined me for Pilates (but got bored pretty quickly and went back to her computer). I helped DS put together his new drum set. My dad brought me a huge bag of family scrapbooks, letters, photos, and geneology charts, and we had a great time reading through the letters, looking at the pictures, and trying to figure out who the heck these people were. DS and I worked together on making dinner, DD and I set the table together. I had a nice call from my sister in Turkey and got caught up on their day as well. For once these things were far more important than what I could put into my mouth.

When I think about the true meaning of Christmas, the birth of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, I know that, no matter how wonderful the gifts today, both under the tree and otherwise, the greatest gift of all time was a humble baby, lying in a manger, sent from a loving and benevolent God. As we read the story of that first Christmas this morning, I thought about that gift and what a difference it's made in my life. After all, it's that gift that makes all the other gifts, even the very gift of my life, possible.

"For unto us a Child is born, unto us a Son is given, and the government shall be upon His shoulders, and His name shall be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace." Isaiah 9:5-7.

Merry Christmas!

 

[whgrn]

I don't make New Year's resolutions. Ever. Why? Because they are made to be broken! 87% of people who make them won't last through January! To me, it's a waste of time and energy.

What I make are COMMITTMENTS. Committments to myself, to God, or to others. Last year I made a committment to get healthy. And I DID it. I've never been healthier!

So what about this year? Well, some of the things I really want to do, and intend to do, aren't completely up to me. So my committment to those things has to have a sort of * next to it.

* I commit to TRY to ride a bicycle in 2009. This is not up to me. It totally depends on my knee surgeon! If he can give me enough bend in my knees, I WILL ride a bike this year!

I commit to continue doing what I've been doing with exercise and food. Hey, it's been working really really well! Why stop now! I fully intend to get to my goal weight and STAY THERE!

* I commit to getting rid of clutter and excess this year. Now, I share a home with two kids, and I don't have complete control over THEIR clutter. ( I DO however, have access to their "stuff" and to giant Hefty bags!!) As for MY clutter, we'll it's outta here! I've already made a big dent by cleaning part of my office. The rest of that room is my target for today. We cleaned up alot for our party last night, and I intend to keep it that way! Do we really need this? No? Buh-bye!! Hopefully I can save some money in the process, by not buying stuff we really don't need or have space for.

Finally, I commit to being the best ME I can be. To live each day to it's fullest. To smile more and yell less. To get enough sleep so I have energy for the day ahead. To reach out to others more and hibernate less. To pray more and gossip less. To be grateful more and complain less. To slow down and enjoy the wonderful life I've been blessed with.

I hope a year from now I can look back and say I've succeeded in making 2009 the best year ever. It's gonna be hard to top 2008, but who knows?

Happy New Year! ixiedust:

 

[whgrn]

This has not been a good week for me.

Over the weekend, a tooth started bothering me. By Sunday night, I was in some pretty serious pain. Percocet didn't touch it. I spent a sleepless night, waiting for morning to call my dentist. I headed in to see him on Monday, by which time I could not even lightly touch the tooth without hitting the ceiling from the pain! He opened the tooth, did a partial root canal, drained the abcess, and I was a happy camper.

Until the novocaine wore off. Then the pain came back, a little at a time, until it was almost as bad as before I saw him! This was Tuesday afternoon, and I headed back up to see him. He did basically the same thing as Monday, and finally said the tooth could probably not be saved. He arranged an emergency visit to an oral surgeon for today. Again, I was fine until the novocaine wore off, and then the pain returned again. It was different this time--in stead of being localized to just the tooth, it was the whole lower jaw area. It was hard to open my mouth.

Knowing I would have to have nothing to eat or drink for 6 hours before my appointment, since I'd be having IV sedation, I got up at the crack of dawn this morning to eat some breakfast and take some Motrin and my antibiotic. Then i went back to bed to pass the time. I got to the oral surgeon just before noon, and had the coolest Xray I've ever had. I sat in this nifty chair with my chin on a sort of shelf and a little plastic thin between my front teeth, as the Xray machine moved in a circle around me. Pretty nifty!

The oral surgeon took a look at the Xray and my tooth, and agreed that the tooth would have to go. But not today. Today, under IV sedation, he cut into the gum and insterted a drain to let out all the abcess. On Friday i will go back to him and have the drain taken out. I left his office feeling pretty comfortable, with a wad of gauze in my mouth, and orders to take the antibiotics, not eat or drink until the gauze came out (after the bleeding stopped), and to only eat mushy foods until Friday.

The IV sedation was actually rather cool. He sprayed my arm with a super cold spray--super cold but not at all uncomfortable. I never felt the iV go in, but almost immediately I started to feel woozy. Gotta love that Versed! I said goodnight, and next thing I knew it was all over! I was sort of groggy for about 20 minutes, so it was good that I had had a friend drive me there and back.

Once home, I put an ice pack over my lower jaw, as directed, 15 minutes on, 15 minutes off. Despite that, my jaw has swollen up pretty big. This apparently is normal, but it looks anything but! The pain was pretty minimal, even as the novocaine was wearing off. I thought "ok, this is going well".

But wait, not so fast! I noticed I was feeling a little itchy. This is not a totally uncommon thing for me, since I have very dry skin in the winter and tend to get itchy quite often. But it got worse and worse. So I went in the bathroom to have a look, and found that I was starting to break out in hives! They spread all over my body, arms, legs, wrists, back, butt, chest, even in unmentionable spots! So, I called to oral surgeon to say it looked like I was having an allergic reaction to something. The Versed? The antibiotic? Who knows. At any rate, since I wasn't having any trouble breathing, they said to take Benadryl, and if breathing became a problem, go to the ER.

Great. I took the Benadryl, and my breathing stayed fine. Then I realized, maybe I shouldn't take the antibiotic anymore? So I called my dentist, the one who started me on them, to ask what I should do. He agreed that with my history of multiple antibiotic allergies, it was likely that that was the culprit. So he said to stop taking it, and to take 2 Benadryl every 6 hours until Friday when I go back to the oral surgeon. OK, but what about antibiotics? The whole idea is that the drain will help the abcess clear out, and the antibiotic will do it's work even better. But now I'm not TAKING an antibiotic! He said it was OK, and he was gonna talk to the oral surgeon anyway, so I just left it there.

The Benadryl knocked me flat out. I slept from 3:30 until about 6, and woke up hangry (wonder why--maybe becuase I hadn't eaten in 12 hours? I made some pastina for dinner, and my dear daughter the chef made mac and cheese for herself and her brother. we mixed up a batch of reduced fat soft vanilla ice cream, which was really good and felt so nice in my mouth. I could only eat a little, and then started feeling really nauseous. I proceeded to lie in the recliner and go back to sleep from about 6:45 until 9.

Now the pain has kicked in a bit more, so I took some Motrin. The hives and itching are gone. I'll take more Benadryl in a little while, along with the rest of the Motrin, and try to sleep for a few hours. I rigged up a head wrap to hold the ice in place and that seemed to work well. My jaw is still very swollen. But at least I didn't have to go to the emergency room!

My big concern in all of this is that I have to avoid "excessive" activity until Friday. In other words, no exercise! I've already missed Monday and today at the gym. (i did take a pool class yesterday becuase I was feeling decent.) Now I have 2 more days of no gym. HOPEFULLY I can go back on Saturday, but I wont' know until I see the oral surgeon Friday. This has me worried. 4 days of no exercise? Heck, even after my surgery I'll be able to lift hand weights, and I'll have PT to get me moving. But this just sitting around is way weird for me! I'm guessing the scale will tell the sad story on Friday, probably showing a gain. True, I'm eating less, which helps, but still, I dont' want to lose ground.

And I'm concerned that I'm so concerned! Am I obsessed with exercise? Is it "normal" to be worried about missing it? Or do I have a problem? I just have too much time on my hands that I can spend worrying!

So far, I've not been real impressed with 2009. If this is an indication of what the year is going to be like, I think I'd prefer to just go back to 2008!

 

[whgrn]

Well, it's been 2 weeks from H-E-double hockey sticks! The tooth saga seemed never-ending. I was away from the gym for 2 entire weeks. I lived on pudding, ice cream, mashed potatoes, noodles, and other soft, calorie dense foods. I gained about 3 or 4 pounds. I sort of crawled into a hole and covered myself up.

The tooth FINALLY came out last Thursday. Of course, then I had the "after pain" to deal with, which honestly wasn't much less than the tooth pain! I was eating Motrin like candy, supplemented with Percocet, which kept me loopier than usual. Add in the antibiotic and it was a recipe for nausea. Oh, and did I mention the allergic reaction? Yup, after my first visit to the Oral Surgeon, to have a drain put in and done under IV sedation, I developed a wicked case of hives! What caused it? The IV meds? The antibiotic? Stress? We finally narrowed it down to either a freak delayed reaction to one of the IV meds, or, more likely, a stress reaction. In any event, it has not recurred.

On Monday, I ate yogurt and applesauce for breakfast, and felt something weird in my mouth. Whatever it was, it's gone now. And my mouth feels MUCH better! Haven't needed a Percocet since then. The rough edges that were there are gone. I suspect something may have happened to the socket graft that was done to prepare for a future implant, but I'll find out when I see the OS for a followup on Friday. Meanwhile, my mouth and I are alot happier!

Last night I went out for dinner. I've been saying for several days that I am SO sick of pudding and ice cream, and I'd give my right arm for a salad. Well, a salad came with my dinner, so I decided to try it. I did ok too! Ahhh, that boring little plate of lettuce with a couple of anemic tomatoes was pure heaven. So I decided I should be able to start eating normally. (The issue has been that I can't open my mouth all the way because my jaw is so sore from being pried open for the oral surgery. And I'm not used to chewing on my right side, since the teeth don't align correctly and I usually just chew on the left. So eating harder foods has been pretty much impossible.) Anyway, I'm trying to transition back to normal eating. Don't know that I'll be munching granola or an apple anytime soon, but I'll do the best I can!

The most exciting part is that I finally went back to the gym today! Took my Aqua Boot Camp class and loved every awful minute of it! Everyone had missed me and was so glad to see me, which felt great, and even tho the pool was freezing, I just felt SO good to be there! So today I get to log some fitness minutes. WooHoo!!

Knee surgery is a week from tomorrow. I have to go up for all my pre-admission work tomorrow--I'm so glad it's going to be a "balmy" 40 degrees, instead of the teens and 20s we've been dealing with. I won't be able to get to the gym, but I will get to do alot of walking around in NYC so that will be OK. Meanwhile, the mad scramble to get ready for surgery has begun. I'll be cooking up a storm over the weekend so I will have plenty of meals frozen and ready to reheat when I get home. Have to pack me for the hospital and rehab, the kids for the 10 days at their father's, and the dog for his 10 days at "camp". SOOOO much to think of and do! I hope and pray I'll get it all done in time.

 

[M&N]

I was going to say it sounds like you are almost back to your old self but you'll never be your old self again. Life isn't easy and it certainly isn't dull. The knee will be nothing for you. You are no stranger to working hard to accomplish something and that is what it takes for new knees. Don't worry about the few pounds...they will be lost again.

 

[donac]

Good luck with the surgery. I hope the new knee is everything you hope for.

 

[whgrn]

I wish someone would explain to me why it is that the people who are supposed to love you the most are the ones that hurt you, and the people you barely know are the ones who make you feel better?

I've been really down lately. The whole tooth mess has taken a toll on me, and even though I got back to the gym yesterday, and will go again tomorrow, my food intake is still way off. Without going into the topic of politics, suffice it to say that Tuesday was a VERY difficult day for me. And my upcoming surgery is looming large. All of this conspires to make me want to just climb in bed, pull the covers over my head, and stay there.

Tonite, despite a total lack of desire on my part to do anything that involved leaving my house, I went to the monthy WLS support group meeting at a local hospital. I really didn't want to go, but I'd promised my nutritionist (who leads the group) to put in an appearance. I'm so glad I went. Somehow, I always come away with so much from these meetings. For starters, I ALWAYS learn something new. Tonite I heard about some supplements that might help me, as well as the fact that one of my meds should be taken in chewable form, not the capsules I've taken for years.

But more than that, I have learned that sharing my story, and my success, with others actually does more for ME than it does for them. Hearing a bunch of people tell me I'm an inspiration is great for my ego. Having a woman tell me that I was the reason she went ahead and had her surgery despite the fears--well, that just blew me away! Especially as I tried to figure out who the heck she was. It wasn't until she passed around her before picture that I recognized her from the meetings last spring--she's lost about 75 pounds and looks SO different!

As I spoke to a woman who will have her surgery on Tuesday, I realized that I do have something important to offer. I am a successful long term post-op patient! I've been where they are. I've done what they are doing. And I've succeeded. That gives them hope that they can succeed too, which of course, they can! I also get to tell them about SparkPeople and what a great help it's been to me. One of the girls in the group is on Sparks, and agreed with my great endorsement of the site.

I walked out with others from the group, chatting as we headed to our cars. I promised to pray for Dale, having her surgery on Tuesday. I said goodbye and assured them that I will be at the March meeting. And I will, because I NEED to be there. To give and receive encouragement and support that is so important for my success.

On the way home, I talked to my mom on the phone. We were talking about my sister, and I got very upset. My sister lives in Turkey. We are very close--at least I THOUGHT we were. When I scheduled my surgery for next week, and knew that she would be coming to the States in January or February, I asked if she could come and stay with me for a few days after surgery to help out. She agreed, and told me she would be here until the 11th or 12th. I sent her an email asking if she could extend that to the 15th. She didn't respond, and I didn't think about it again.

Until i got her travel plans and learned that she is NOT staying until the 12th, she's going back on the 5th! Before I even get out of rehab! So much for her promise to come stay with me for a few days. So, um, now what do I do? My kids are 12 and 13--they can't take care of me. I really, really do NOT want to hire a live-in helper. My kids don't like that, and neither do I. And I dont' need constant help anyway. My mom will come for a night or 2, IF there is no snow or ice. She has serious orthopedic issues, and will not leave her house if there is any chance she might slip and fall (which she did several years ago and destroyed her rotator cuff). I understand this.

Anyway, my sister arrived on Saturday. On Sunday I went and spent the day with her. On Monday she came down here to get her stuff from my storage unit (she's rented one of her own), and to get her packages from my dining room, where they've been piling up for months. (she always oreders a ton of stuff online, and has it sent here). We had a nice visit, and she went back to her hotel near my parents' house. We had found a cute little Middle Eastern restaurant here in town, and made plans for lunch this Sunday with her husband and kids (who arrived tonite). My kids have been so excited to see Uncle Toni and their cousins, and keep asking when they will see them.

Well, they won't. I got an email from my dad today inviting us for Sunday brunch, which we can't do because it's during church, and I sing on the Praise Team, so I am committed to be there. Apparently my sister is having Turkish guests for the weekend and they have to leave on Sunday afternoon, so they decided to do brunch so they could all get together. Umm, hello? What happened to our lunch plans? Why am I hearing this from my dad instead of my sister? And how the heck do I tell my kids? "Gee, sorry, I guess we just aren't important enough. They flew 5000 miles to come to NJ, but they just don't have time to come the last 20 miles." Apparently their guests are coming tomorrow, so the entire weekend is taken up with that. Monday my kids are in school all day, and my daughter has an orthodontist appointment at night (which I rescheduled from this week so I could see my sister!) And they leave Tuesday for Punta Cana. Yes, while I'm having major surgery, my sister will be sunning herself on a tropical beach. They come back the following Monday, and return to Turkey that Thursday. I don't imagine there will be time to visit me at rehab, since the last few days are always a frenzy of shopping. And even if they do manage to find time to see me, my children won't be there! They will be here at home, staying with their father. Which means they will not see their uncle and cousins this trip.

So I've just been thrown aside. And that hurts. A lot. But now my kids have been thrown aside too. And that makes me MAD! Poop all over my head if you have to, but don't you mess with my babies!

I don't really know how to handle this. I have no desire to discuss it with my sister, since I hate confrontation of any time. All I know is, it's making me want to eat chocolate. I did have a few M&Ms, but they just turned my stomach. Maybe that's a good thing.

It just occurred to me that maybe all of this is becuase my sister is jealous. She's always been the skinny sisiter, usually by 200 pounds or more. But now she outweighs me by 50 pounds or so. Her husband said I looked like Jennifer Lopez. I know she is sensitive about her weight. Growing up, she was not very nice to me about my weight. I would NEVER do that to her. I have avoided any gloating, commenting, or anything that could be seen as "lording it over her". I've even held back on sharing some of my success with her, in an effort to not offend her. But maybe she really can't handle my success, which maybe she sees more as her failure. I don't know.

So anyway, surgery is a week away. I have so much to do to get ready. Shopping, cooking, packing, rearrangeing. Getting myself mentally prepared. Making sure the kids are taken care of with their activites. Meanwhile, my BFF will go with me to surgery, as usual. She will be the one in the waiting room. She will be the one getting me settled into my room after recovery. She will be the one who stays overnight so she can see me again the next day before heading home--to take my kids for the weekend. Thank GOD for my BFF! If not for her, I'd be doing this whole thing alone. As it is, I will have no visitors after the first day after surgery, until I get to rehab. NYC is just too far and too inconvenient for my family to get to. (They are a little over an hour away) The plan is for me to do rehab in the town where my parents and BFF live. At least that way they can visit. If I can't go there for rehab, I will likely be far enough away that I will not have visitors the entire week, with the possible exception of my BFF. That would be the pits.

It's taken years for me to learn how to ask for, and accept, help from others. I was always the strong one. I could take care of myself. I was always the one to do for others, to help whenever it was needed. My BFF finally pointed out that it was pretty selfish of me to deny others the pleasure of helping me! So now I ASKED for help. And the door was closed in my face.

Am I feeling sorry for myself? Maybe a little. I just know that if someone in my family was having this surgery, I'd move heaven and earth to be there for them. I'd open my home to them for recovery (more practical than having to leave my kids--I'm a single mom afer all!) I'd do whatever it took. Am I not worth the same?

 

[donac]

Family stinks. My ds's did not see one of their cousins at Christmas. No one even called us to let us know when and where he would be. All we know is that he wasn't at mil's on Christmas Day.

I will be thinking of you on Tuesday.