Help with issues with my ex-husband--edit

[Lilsia]

Your attorney that is on retainer has no incentive to do anything for your since they are already getting your money. Get a new lawyer and negotiate fees. The only people that should have lawyers on retainer are the ones that will need them often, like those with a business. What he sold the house for is public record so you can easily look it up online and see if he made any money on it. Your divorce papers should have it clearly stated what happens to any money earned from the sale of the house, a good lawyer would have made sure of it. If not, you should still be entitled to some money since you paid for it for 15 years. Find out what he sold it for and talk to a new lawyer.

 

[Lilsia]

I just checked, thanks. Zillow lists the sale in June. It sold for the amount his cousin told me he was going to sell it for. For him to sell it for so little it had to be really destroyed, he loves money too much to give any up without reason. I'm feeling better about it today, I think I'm mentally exhausted from worrying.

My husband's Mom left his dad because he was a cheating, no good, you know what. He did not want the divorce because he wanted his cake and eat it too. Well she moved out and he was supposed to sell the house and share the profit equally. He just sold it for what was left on the mortgage just to spite her, even if that meant that he got nothing. Some people just have something wrong with them. She could have went and sued for what they could have got if she wanted to, but she just wanted to be done with him. I wish lawyers and judges would see past these type of men and do right by woman.

 

[MrsCobraBubbles]

Your attorney that is on retainer has no incentive to do anything for your since they are already getting your money. Get a new lawyer and negotiate fees. The only people that should have lawyers on retainer are the ones that will need them often, like those with a business. What he sold the house for is public record so you can easily look it up online and see if he made any money on it. Your divorce papers should have it clearly stated what happens to any money earned from the sale of the house, a good lawyer would have made sure of it. If not, you should still be entitled to some money since you paid for it for 15 years. Find out what he sold it for and talk to a new lawyer.

Maybe I'm using the wrong terminology? I paid my lawyer money for the simple divorce, it ended up costing a lot less than what I gave her, I could have gotten my money refunded but I agreed that she should hold on to the money in case I end up needing her for custody or if he does anything weird or crazy (like kidnap our kids) and I need a lawyer quickly. I think she is a good lawyer, the problem is that life isn't always fair and sometimes bad people (like my ex) who do bad stuff end up coming out on top.

We did a simple divorce, which in PA doesn't include the distribution of property. In the process of the simple divorce, I signed away my rights to the assets, and the line of credit was the only joint debt that we had (I could have gone after him for some other things but I chose not to). We agreed to leave the line of credit as a shared debt because both of us said that we couldn't afford to pay off our share of the debt at that time but he told me he had no intention of paying on it and I knew that going in, I was going to pay it off myself. The point of the simple divorce was to get myself and my kids away from him and out of his control as quickly and cheaply as possible. The money is gone, there is no way for me to get the money from the sale of the house at this point and I don't care, I knew what I was doing when I signed; no one took advantage of me, I simply made the best of a bad situation where a good outcome just wasn't possible. Technically he is legally responsible for his half of the line of credit anyway, but as I've said before he is not a rational person and I was worried that he would see having to pay that debt as a punishment or a loss of "his" money and get angry with me about it.

 

[barkley]

make sure to keep the copy of that pay-off notice so that you have proof in the future that it was paid in full, it also doesn't hurt to put a post-it on w/date and aprox. time you called the back noting 'per phone call.....' (detailing what they told you about how the loan was paid in full).

 

[Lilsia]

Maybe I'm using the wrong terminology? I paid my lawyer money for the simple divorce, it ended up costing a lot less than what I gave her, I could have gotten my money refunded but I agreed that she should hold on to the money in case I end up needing her for custody or if he does anything weird or crazy (like kidnap our kids) and I need a lawyer quickly. I think she is a good lawyer, the problem is that life isn't always fair and sometimes bad people (like my ex) who do bad stuff end up coming out on top.

We did a simple divorce, which in PA doesn't include the distribution of property. In the process of the simple divorce, I signed away my rights to the assets, and the line of credit was the only joint debt that we had (I could have gone after him for some other things but I chose not to). We agreed to leave the line of credit as a shared debt because both of us said that we couldn't afford to pay off our share of the debt at that time but he told me he had no intention of paying on it and I knew that going in, I was going to pay it off myself. The point of the simple divorce was to get myself and my kids away from him and out of his control as quickly and cheaply as possible. The money is gone, there is no way for me to get the money from the sale of the house at this point and I don't care, I knew what I was doing when I signed; no one took advantage of me, I simply made the best of a bad situation where a good outcome just wasn't possible. Technically he is legally responsible for his half of the line of credit anyway, but as I've said before he is not a rational person and I was worried that he would see having to pay that debt as a punishment or a loss of "his" money and get angry with me about it.

Good luck to you in the future. Hopefully your ex with "forget" about you and the children until the youngest is old enough to make her own decisions.

 

[MrsCobraBubbles]

Thank you to everyone who has tried to help. I know now that he made the payoff himself, so now I have to wait and see what happens. I feel a bit better knowing that he has had at least a full 2 weeks to confront me about paying off the loan and he hasn't done anything. He probably feels like he got one over on me about the house so I'm praying that's enough to keep him out of my hair. Thanks again

 

[MrsCobraBubbles]

 

[BLAZEY]

Was your name on the title to the house? What did your divorce decree say about the assets & debts from your marriage? This should have all been settled in your divorce settlement. And the child support is a separate issue.

The cousin/ realtor should KNOW that the proceeds of the sale of the house were not just his as per PA marital law and the divorce decree. Child supports is not for you its for the kids. You and your KIDS got screwed by everyone involved. You need a new lawyer, one that does not work in the small town you live in.

 

[kimblebee]

I had a several grounds - abandonment, his criminal drug convictions, his mental health issues, and his abuse.

People with mental health issues can and do parent many, many children successfully. It sounds like there are many issues, but mental health shouldn’t be used as a deterrent. Would you substitute the word cancer?

I understand - sort of, because it’s outrageous. Here the family courts will take the wishes of older children into account and would not compel adolescents to attend visitation if they themselves were on record as not wanting it.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not pushing that the OP should do anything. It’s just such a crazy, confounding situation. The legal system you describe sounds insane. I fully admit to never having had to deal with anything remotely similar but knowing myself, pretty sure my play would have been to pick up move far away to start over. PA and these circumstances sound miserable.

Oh boy. Packing up and moving somewhere new would make things so much worse. You say you don’t have experience with family court..it shows and count yourself VERY lucky.

Canada’s system is as messed up, if not more. At least in the US, deadbeats can be jailed for missing a few months payments. My ex hasn’t paid in 10 years, owes $18K as of last count and us had no consequences. It’s a joke.

 

[Darcy03231]

People with mental health issues can and do parent many, many children successfully. It sounds like there are many issues, but mental health shouldn’t be used as a deterrent. Would you substitute the word cancer?



Oh boy. Packing up and moving somewhere new would make things so much worse. You say you don’t have experience with family court..it shows and count yourself VERY lucky.

Canada’s system is as messed up, if not more. At least in the US, deadbeats can be jailed for missing a few months payments. My ex hasn’t paid in 10 years, owes $18K as of last count and us had no consequences. It’s a joke.

I know that people with mental health issues can parent children successfully. As stated in my answer to the question, it was only one of the factors used the determination to terminate his parental rights. A person with cancer may not also be a convicted felon, who is a drug addict and verbally and physically abusive.

One of the criteria where I live is that the "parent is, and will continue to be, mentally incapable, either by deficiency or illness, of caring for the child." My ex had mental health issues that he refused voluntary treatment for. He preferred illegal drugs which landed him in jail on multiple occasions. He has felony convictions for drugs. When he isn't high, he's verbally and physically abusive because he's always looking for his next "fix." Does this sound like someone who should have contact with young children?

The bar to terminate parental rights is high (as it should be) and the courts don't do it lightly. In my case the judge agreed that it was necessary, given the circumstances. The children are now 25 and 27 and are great young adults. They didn't have to spend their childhood living in fear that they might be forced to have contact with their father.

 

[ronandannette]

People with mental health issues can and do parent many, many children successfully. It sounds like there are many issues, but mental health shouldn’t be used as a deterrent. Would you substitute the word cancer?



Oh boy. Packing up and moving somewhere new would make things so much worse. You say you don’t have experience with family court..it shows and count yourself VERY lucky.

Canada’s system is as messed up, if not more. At least in the US, deadbeats can be jailed for missing a few months payments. My ex hasn’t paid in 10 years, owes $18K as of last count and us had no consequences. It’s a joke.

Agreed. No experience. And very little experience with mental health either, but what I do have would not really support comparing all forms of mental illness to cancer. There are some conditions that render one unsafe to be responsible for children. I'd imagine there are many DIS'ers that could recount their experiences being raised by mentally-ill parents who they loved fiercely but left deep, emotional scars.

 

[kimblebee]

Agreed. No experience. And very little experience with mental health either, but what I do have would not really support comparing all forms of mental illness to cancer. There are some conditions that render one unsafe to be responsible for children. I'd imagine there are many DIS'ers that could recount their experiences being raised by mentally-ill parents who they loved fiercely but left deep, emotional scars.

Absolutely. I just hate seeing ‘mental illness’ thrown around as an all encompassing thing. There’s a lot of degrees between depression and full on schizophrenia.

 

[ronandannette]

Absolutely. I just hate seeing ‘mental illness’ thrown around as an all encompassing thing. There’s a lot of degrees between depression and full on schizophrenia.

This is true but every situation has to be evaluated always keeping the best interest of the children in mind. Some of my limited experience is with a (dear) person who is severely bi-polar - a condition that even with on-going active treatment for decades has not stabilized. Harm has come to them during a manic phase when they manifested breathtakingly risky behaviours. During a depressive cycle there are days at at time this person literally can't get out of bed and has ended up in in-patient care. The contact between this person and their children while they were minors was intermittent. The ability to parent just wasn't there.

I myself was raised by a very loving mother who was afflicted with anxiety and bouts of agoraphobia, decades before those were commonly identified "things", let alone effectively treated. I really don't know what would have happened if my devoted dad hadn't been on the scene to vigilantly level things out in our household. If she had singularly been responsible for my raising I would have undoubtedly either been forced into an unhealthy care-taker role or been drawn into her dysfunction.

 

[MrsCobraBubbles]

It happened. I knew he wouldn't pay off the loan without trying to punish me for it. According to his facebook, he got home from his vacation yesterday, then today he sent an email threatening me with an expensive court battle unless I put him in contact with the kids, on his terms. His email is worded to make it seem like it is my fault that he has not had contact with his kids. I'm not going to post a copy of it but I assure you that it's ridiculous, just one of his mind games. He is trying to bait me into fighting with him.

I think I did an ok job with ignoring his inflammatory language and I drafted the following email response:

You are right, it has been a long time since you have contacted your kids. Your last phone call to your daughter was July 20, 2017. On August 14, 2017, I attempted to send you a text message because (daughter's name) asked me to find out why she hadn't received a call from you in a while. I received a return message that my text had been blocked (I've attached a screenshot of the return message). Since that day you have changed your phone number and your home address without updating me with that information, which doesn't seem to be the actions of a parent who wanted to maintain contact with his children.

You are also correct that a lot has changed in our lives, including the fact that your children have both celebrated birthdays without receiving a phone call or birthday card from their father. The kids and I have celebrated holidays and significant moments in our lives together. They have both grown and matured so much; they are wonderful children who deserve to be valued and loved. I can assure you that both kids are happy and well and I have worked hard over these last years to ensure that they have a happy home and they want for nothing.

That's all i have right now and I'm trying to decide whether to send it. Probably I'll just call my lawyer tomorrow and ask her. This was my nightmare, that he would use the money from the house to fight me for custody. When I saw on Facebook that he had taken this elaborate vacation I got my hopes up that he was going to selfishly blow through the money. Apparently he has decided to use part of it to continue to make our lives hell.

 

[Searc]

It happened. I knew he wouldn't pay off the loan without trying to punish me for it. According to his facebook, he got home from his vacation yesterday, then today he sent an email threatening me with an expensive court battle unless I put him in contact with the kids, on his terms. His email is worded to make it seem like it is my fault that he has not had contact with his kids. I'm not going to post a copy of it but I assure you that it's ridiculous, just one of his mind games. He is trying to bait me into fighting with him.

I think I did an ok job with ignoring his inflammatory language and I drafted the following email response:

You are right, it has been a long time since you have contacted your kids. Your last phone call to your daughter was July 20, 2017. On August 14, 2017, I attempted to send you a text message because (daughter's name) asked me to find out why she hadn't received a call from you in a while. I received a return message that my text had been blocked (I've attached a screenshot of the return message). Since that day you have changed your phone number and your home address without updating me with that information, which doesn't seem to be the actions of a parent who wanted to maintain contact with his children.

You are also correct that a lot has changed in our lives, including the fact that your children have both celebrated birthdays without receiving a phone call or birthday card from their father. The kids and I have celebrated holidays and significant moments in our lives together. They have both grown and matured so much; they are wonderful children who deserve to be valued and loved. I can assure you that both kids are happy and well and I have worked hard over these last years to ensure that they have a happy home and they want for nothing.

That's all i have right now and I'm trying to decide whether to send it. Probably I'll just call my lawyer tomorrow and ask her. This was my nightmare, that he would use the money from the house to fight me for custody. When I saw on Facebook that he had taken this elaborate vacation I got my hopes up that he was going to selfishly blow through the money. Apparently he has decided to use part of it to continue to make our lives hell.

DO NOT SEND IT. All of your correspondence needs to go through your lawyer. No exceptions. Emails, texts, letters, etc. Do not let him bully or intimidate you.

 

[Allison]

There is zero reason to send that message. None.

He is baiting you and you are responding to it.

 

[MrsCobraBubbles]

There is zero reason to send that message. None.

He is baiting you and you are responding to it.

I guess. But I still have the knee-jerk reaction because he doesn't like to be ignored. If I don't acknowledge immediately that I received the message he will escalate. And it scares me that I don't have firsthand knowledge of his mental state anymore. When we separated he had untreated mental health issues. But you are right, I'm just going to call the lawyer tomorrow and forward his email to her, let her decide how to respond. Darn him, it's going to cost me a bundle of money to fight this if he decides to fight. And right now he has the power because he has the money.

 

[robinb]

I’m so sorry . Yes, I would ask your lawyer what you should do. What a scum.

 

[Welsh_Dragon]

It happened. I knew he wouldn't pay off the loan without trying to punish me for it. According to his facebook, he got home from his vacation yesterday, then today he sent an email threatening me with an expensive court battle unless I put him in contact with the kids, on his terms. His email is worded to make it seem like it is my fault that he has not had contact with his kids. I'm not going to post a copy of it but I assure you that it's ridiculous, just one of his mind games. He is trying to bait me into fighting with him.

I think I did an ok job with ignoring his inflammatory language and I drafted the following email response:

You are right, it has been a long time since you have contacted your kids. Your last phone call to your daughter was July 20, 2017. On August 14, 2017, I attempted to send you a text message because (daughter's name) asked me to find out why she hadn't received a call from you in a while. I received a return message that my text had been blocked (I've attached a screenshot of the return message). Since that day you have changed your phone number and your home address without updating me with that information, which doesn't seem to be the actions of a parent who wanted to maintain contact with his children.

You are also correct that a lot has changed in our lives, including the fact that your children have both celebrated birthdays without receiving a phone call or birthday card from their father. The kids and I have celebrated holidays and significant moments in our lives together. They have both grown and matured so much; they are wonderful children who deserve to be valued and loved. I can assure you that both kids are happy and well and I have worked hard over these last years to ensure that they have a happy home and they want for nothing.

That's all i have right now and I'm trying to decide whether to send it. Probably I'll just call my lawyer tomorrow and ask her. This was my nightmare, that he would use the money from the house to fight me for custody. When I saw on Facebook that he had taken this elaborate vacation I got my hopes up that he was going to selfishly blow through the money. Apparently he has decided to use part of it to continue to make our lives hell.

Please don’t send that draft. In your emotional state you are making statements that will harm your legal position. I strongly suggest that you stop looking at his social media account, block his e mail, telephone number etc. If you must reply send a simple message stating that you have passed his e mail to your solicitor and requesting that all future correspondence be directed to your solicitor and provide him with the contact details. Some people like to fight and argue for the sake of it. Let him fight shadows!

 

[J'aime Paris]

First, Hugs!! Many, many hugs!!

1. Change your email now! Why is he still able to contact you directly? No good can ever come from that.
2. DO NOT send that email! You will be the direct cause of him escalating from that content. (not that the jerk doesn't deserve it)
3. Contact your lawyer asap! Focus solely on the FACTS with the lawyer. Days, times, dates of last contact. That he blocked you when you tried to send a message from DD. That you have no way to contact him on the kids behalf.
I understand that this is very emotional for you....but the "law" will really only recognize factual information.
Please stay safe!