Talk me out of it...

[mikehn]

Men suck when it comes to relationships. We do, I'm not afraid to admit it. Yeah, "too busy" is just terrible rationalization and excuses for not wanting to be in a relationship. I've been married for 20 years now (and with DW for 22 total) so it's been a long time since I was dating, but I can say I never used that excuse. I'm beyond lucky to have DW, she's an amazing woman and she's put up with all the bonehead things men like me say and do. I have made it a point recently to bring specific focus on being a far better husband and father and have dedicated myself to it.

Hang in there. While we men are morons, there are plenty of us who truly do want to make a relationship work...no matter how badly we stumble all over it.

This right here. Completely relate to your last sentence!

 

[disneychrista]

It sounds like both of you were looking for different things in a relationship, it happens. You need to let it go, and stop wasting energy on what you would say to him if given the opportunity - he's not worth it.

Yep. I want someone who actually wants me in their life. Who doesn't make me feel as if I am afterthought.

 

[PollyannaMom]

 

[fly girl]

I wish I could believe that there are good men out there. I have heard of these mythical creatures but have no experience with them. As for finding someone, I don't think that is in the cards for me.

They are. You just can't look for them, they lurk out of the shadows when you least expect it. Also, if you have never had experience with them you were like me (prior to getting married) . . . picking the worst apples in the bunch. Boy, I picked some real losers in my day! Try something new, a type you normally wouldn't go for. Mix it up!

Yep. I want someone who actually wants me in their life. Who doesn't make me feel as if I am afterthought.

BINGO! And that is why you are venting on here and not calling the douche.

 

[disneychrista]

They are. You just can't look for them, they lurk out of the shadows when you least expect it. Also, if you have never had experience with them you were like me (prior to getting married) . . . picking the worst apples in the bunch. Boy, I picked some real losers in my day! Try something new, a type you normally wouldn't go for. Mix it up!

I have a VERY limited dating history. My daughters' father is my only serious relationship and that ended over 25 years ago, when I was 21. I've never looked and don't for see me "looking" in the future. I guess I am a just a loser magnet.

BINGO! And that is why you are venting on here and not calling the douche.

Exactly. Even though I had the urge to contact him yesterday, I knew there was no point to it.

 

[Hrhpd]

It's no secret that I went through a break-up recently.

Well today is 5 week since I last heard from him. We were friends before we became more than friends and he said he hoped that we could be friends again/still hang out. I was honest and told him I didn't know if that was possible. But I did reach out a couple times since things ended. Just to say hi, find out how things were going.

This afternoon I was over come with an overwhelming urge to text him. Not to say I miss you but to tell him he sucked as "more than a friend" and he sucks as a "just a friend."

I know I shouldn't be surprised and honestly I'm not. Things ended because he "was busy" and "didn't have time" to commit to a relationship.

Obsessing over him will stop you from healing and moving on.

Don't do it. Leave him be.

 

[disneychrista]

You know there's a singles forum here on the Dis? Maybe you could at least find some distraction engaging with some other like-minded folks.

Ya but that would imply that I am looking to not be single and that isn't the case. I was so much more happy while I was single than I have been dating.

You seem so sweet, I’m sure there would be men lined up to date you.

That's what I keep being told by guys who don't want to date me. It's nicer coming from you.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I have a VERY limited dating history. My daughters' father is my only serious relationship and that ended over 25 years ago, when I was 21. I've never looked and don't for see me "looking" in the future. I guess I am a just a loser magnet.

Ah. We need to work on your self esteem.

Please print this up, keep it by your bedside, and read it daily - twice daily is even better (morning and night!).

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/...ion/201703/8-steps-improving-your-self-esteem

 

[disneychrista]

Ah. We need to work on your self esteem

I know that sounded like a pitty party but I didn't really mean it to. I only meant that the few guys I have dated have been losers. Not that I can't get or deserve a good guy. Because I do deserve a good guy that treats me well.

 

[gwynne]

I know that sounded like a pitty party but I didn't really mean it to. I only meant that the few guys I have dated have been losers. Not that I can't get or deserve a good guy. Because I do deserve a good guy that treats me well.

You are a person of worth. Period.

 

[Kathryn Merteuil]

It would be best to not contact him at all. I know it is easier said than done.

 

[goofy4tink]

Ok...similar boat here. Found divorce papers on July 20. Completely blindsided. After almost 40 years together, 29 of them married! No, it wasn't perfect, no relationship is. But, to find out that your dh has been cheating for at least two years and has been hiding money? That he has been planning this for over a year? I get what you're going through. I'm at that 5 week point too. Sadly, I have to have contact with him...we have assets to deal with and alimony. I stayed at home for the past 25 years!!! And now, I'm 70!
So...here's what I do to deal with those 'I really want to reach out to him' feelings. I write a letter to him, stating all my feelings, both good and bad. I hold nothing back. Then, that letter goes in a file. I must have 20 or so of these letters. It's interesting to go back and read them to see how my feelings are changing as time passes. Then, when the divorce is final, I'll have a ceremonial burning of the letters.
Best of luck to you. It's hard, but it has to get better as time passes.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Ok...similar boat here. Found divorce papers on July 20. Completely blindsided. After almost 40 years together, 29 of them married! No, it wasn't perfect, no relationship is. But, to find out that your dh has been cheating for at least two years and has been hiding money? That he has been planning this for over a year? I get what you're going through. I'm at that 5 week point too. Sadly, I have to have contact with him...we have assets to deal with and alimony. I stayed at home for the past 25 years!!! And now, I'm 70!
So...here's what I do to deal with those 'I really want to reach out to him' feelings. I write a letter to him, stating all my feelings, both good and bad. I hold nothing back. Then, that letter goes in a file. I must have 20 or so of these letters. It's interesting to go back and read them to see how my feelings are changing as time passes. Then, when the divorce is final, I'll have a ceremonial burning of the letters.
Best of luck to you. It's hard, but it has to get better as time passes.

I’m sorry you’re going through this.

 

[goofy4tink]

I’m sorry you’re going through this.

Thanks. It's not an entirely bad thing...just a pain going through the process. Not exactly what I expected at my age!!!

 

[disneychrista]

Best of luck to you. It's hard, but it has to get better as time passes.

I’m so sorry that your DH did that. That is SOOO MUCH worse than what I’m dealing with. As much as I’m hurting it was never serious and always was going to end. He was supposed to move out of the area and I wish he had.

And you are right. It does get better. It HAS gotten better. But every once in awhile it hits me.

 

[Searc]

Ok...similar boat here. Found divorce papers on July 20. Completely blindsided. After almost 40 years together, 29 of them married! No, it wasn't perfect, no relationship is. But, to find out that your dh has been cheating for at least two years and has been hiding money? That he has been planning this for over a year? I get what you're going through. I'm at that 5 week point too. Sadly, I have to have contact with him...we have assets to deal with and alimony. I stayed at home for the past 25 years!!! And now, I'm 70!
So...here's what I do to deal with those 'I really want to reach out to him' feelings. I write a letter to him, stating all my feelings, both good and bad. I hold nothing back. Then, that letter goes in a file. I must have 20 or so of these letters. It's interesting to go back and read them to see how my feelings are changing as time passes. Then, when the divorce is final, I'll have a ceremonial burning of the letters.
Best of luck to you. It's hard, but it has to get better as time passes.

Oh Tink, I'm so sorry. That is just a sucky situation all the way around.

 

[cglaura]

Just echoing what most others have said, don't do it.

Also, if not already mentioned/done, block him on all social media / don't look at any of his feeds.

On a journey to move forward, looking backwards will usually end up in a crash.

 

[OhDannyBoy]

If he hasn't contacted you in 5 weeks, he's moved on or at very least doesn't think enough of you to contact you.

You should do the same.

 

[disneychrista]

If he hasn't contacted you in 5 weeks, he's moved on or at very least doesn't think enough of you to contact you.

That’s why I wanted to tell him he sucks. I am NOT going to contact him. There is no point.

 

[morgan98]

Unfortunately, everyone deals with break-ups very differently which makes sense. What the state of the relationship was, how invested you were, if you were blindsided, if you thought you were happy, etc all determine how you deal with it.

Some people are excellent at flipping the switch, never looking back or having any contact. Others want some contact or validation along the way.

OP, in your case, I think you are doing great with the no contact. You are right to vent here instead of reaching out to him.

It will get better.