Ack! Advice quickly, please!

[robinb]

OP, I'm glad that you decided to allow the BF to come to the party. One suggestion for seating. You can ask that part of the family to bring along a couple of folding chairs. They have teens so they are sure to have folding chairs .

 

[scoutie]

ETA: Can I come? I saw the menu and am drooling.

Did you read the thread lol? I'm guessing the answer is a "no". There might have to be a ten page thread outlining why, though.

 

[NHdisneylover]

my goodness---there are some very over the top posts lately, from both sides----DIS at it's finest

As far as the china goes, I don't personally see anything wrong with someone regularly using china. I have an aunt like that---she entertains a lot,, owns many sets of china and pretty much never serves so much as a PBJ on anything else. She enjoys it, it is pretty, she can buy used sets super cheap so she gets pieces which coordinate well together and hosts huge family gatherings for Easter and Thanksgiving which look like a Southern Living photoshoot.
Me? I can not recall the last time I served anything on paper plates---I hate the wastefullness of it, but my current dishes are cheapie ones from IKEA.

Anyway, it might be a bit unusual for a first birthday, but not that big of a deal if that is the OP*s norm anytime she has guests even casually. What made it seem so "la-di-da" was the OP's description of it being an intimate gathering with dinner served on china, while trying to justify feeling put out that her sister asked if someone important to that part of the family could come along---THAT sounds like intentionally creating a formal enviornment beyond the norm; it's funny reading her post about that, which really was worded so that it conjured up the image of a very formal dinner party and then contrasting it with the down playing later.

OP--I am glad you are including the BF. I suspect that the norm for your family has been being set the past few months at various functions (perhaps one that you, not overly social and home with a new baby missed?) and that norm is to include SO's of the teens-----it sounds like this one is the oldest so precedent is sort of being set now. I have a feeling that when your little one is that age you will glad the precedent being set is to include the teens as full and welcome members of the family and welcome those they love so they are comfortable and enjoy family time.

 

[luvsJack]

Well gosh I never knew china was so controversial.

 

[TipsyTraveler]

my goodness---there are some very over the top posts lately, from both sides----DIS at it's finest

As far as the china goes, I don't personally see anything wrong with someone regularly using china. I have an aunt like that---she entertains a lot,, owns many sets of china and pretty much never serves so much as a PBJ on anything else. She enjoys it, it is pretty, she can buy used sets super cheap so she gets pieces which coordinate well together and hosts huge family gatherings for Easter and Thanksgiving which look like a Southern Living photoshoot.
Me? I can not recall the last time I served anything on paper plates---I hate the wastefullness of it, but my current dishes are cheapie ones from IKEA.

Anyway, it might be a bit unusual for a first birthday, but not that big of a deal if that is the OP*s norm anytime she has guests even casually. What made it seem so "la-di-da" was the OP's description of it being an intimate gathering with dinner served on china, while trying to justify feeling put out that her sister asked if someone important to that part of the family could come along---THAT sounds like intentionally creating a formal enviornment beyond the norm; it's funny reading her post about that, which really was worded so that it conjured up the image of a very formal dinner party and then contrasting it with the down playing later.

OP--I am glad you are including the BF. I suspect that the norm for your family has been being set the past few months at various functions (perhaps one that you, not overly social and home with a new baby missed?) and that norm is to include SO's of the teens-----it sounds like this one is the oldest so precedent is sort of being set now. I have a feeling that when your little one is that age you will glad the precedent being set is to include the teens as full and welcome members of the family and welcome those they love so they are comfortable and enjoy family time.

It's "formal" to the extent that, until two days ago, I had assumed I would at least know everyone in attendance.

We've only missed one family function over the course of the past year and the boyfriend has not been at any of them, the one exception being after Thanksgiving dinner when he walked in and waved to everyone when he came to pick up my niece. So yes, it still seems odd to me that "Aunt Tipsy's baby's first birthday" would be the chosen occasion to have him get to know the family. I would've expected my SIL to start inviting him to the functions she hosts first before inviting him to other people's houses, so her request caught me offguard.

ETA: To answer your other question, this niece is not the oldest teen in the family if we're looking beyond just my husband's immediate family members. There was one Thanksgiving where a teen's SO was in attendance and that dinner was being hosted by her parents. So this hasn't been the precedent up until now.

 

[NHdisneylover]

It's "formal" to the extent that, until two days ago, I had assumed I would at least know everyone in attendance.

We've only missed one family function over the course of the past year and the boyfriend has not been at any of them, the one exception being after Thanksgiving dinner when he walked in and waved to everyone when he came to pick up my niece. So yes, it still seems odd to me that "Aunt Tipsy's baby's first birthday" would be the chosen occasion to have him get to know the family. I would've expected my SIL to start inventing him to the functions she hosts first before inviting him to other people's houses, so her request caught me offguard.

I am now wondering if you would have been better to tell them that no he cannot come, as it is clear this is really bugging you for some reason. Hopefully once the party actually happens it will all feel like much ado about nothing to you.

Formal or informal rarely has anything to do with knowing everyone at an event. I have never heard that as the defining piece.

And Thanksgiving? OK, so when they had been dating 4 months, on a holiday when his own family likely had a get together as well, he stopped in briefly when picking her up after the meal.

Now they have been dating 8 months, twice as long as then, at some point there has been a tipping point when this become more serious---and this is an event most would view as casual (one year old's birthday party/dinner with people sitting on steps) and not likely to conflict with his own family celebrating something.
I would bet he's been included more and more often at your sister's house, maybe at something at Gramma's that did not involve you, who knows? So now someone ASKED if he could come along to this---FAMILY called ahead and asked because this whole thing of there being a teen in a serious relationship is new to the extended family and there is no known precedent yet. and you did not even have to give an answer on the spot---had time to think about it.

I really can't understand why this is "catching someone off gaurd" or upsetting or rude or anything else other than a family growing and respecting one another and asking if something is OK.

 

[AnnaFloridaLover]

It's "formal" to the extent that, until two days ago, I had assumed I would at least know everyone in attendance.

We've only missed one family function over the course of the past year and the boyfriend has not been at any of them, the one exception being after Thanksgiving dinner when he walked in and waved to everyone when he came to pick up my niece. So yes, it still seems odd to me that "Aunt Tipsy's baby's first birthday" would be the chosen occasion to have him get to know the family. I would've expected my SIL to start inventing him to the functions she hosts first before inviting him to other people's houses, so her request caught me offguard.

ETA: To answer your other question, this niece is not the oldest teen in the family if we're looking beyond just my husband's immediate family members. There was one Thanksgiving where a teen's SO was in attendance and that dinner was being hosted by her parents. So this hasn't been the precedent up until now.

OP, if your brother was dating a woman for a year that you've never met and you had a b'day party would you not invite the SO? Would you think he should invite you somewhere for first meeting? I don't get this line of thinking about the niece's boyfriend. Perhaps he was busy or working at these previous events that you attended? This young man is obviously a big part of your niece's life and it would be gracious if you accepted him in to your home and life.

Sometimes we must accept the old cliche "it's not you, it's me".

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

It's "formal" to the extent that, until two days ago, I had assumed I would at least know everyone in attendance.

We've only missed one family function over the course of the past year and the boyfriend has not been at any of them, the one exception being after Thanksgiving dinner when he walked in and waved to everyone when he came to pick up my niece. So yes, it still seems odd to me that "Aunt Tipsy's baby's first birthday" would be the chosen occasion to have him get to know the family. I would've expected my SIL to start inventing him to the functions she hosts first before inviting him to other people's houses, so her request caught me offguard.

ETA: To answer your other question, this niece is not the oldest teen in the family if we're looking beyond just my husband's immediate family members. There was one Thanksgiving where a teen's SO was in attendance and that dinner was being hosted by her parents. So this hasn't been the precedent up until now.

The more I'm reading your responses the more I'm wondering if this is a turf issue.

I still stand by my earlier comment that no you don't need to rationalize it to anyone and you're more than free to say no but that I can't see what the harm is in having him there.

But is it because this is your son's b-day, your house, your plans that are being 'messed' with? I get that your husband also agrees with you in the initial assessment. I just have to wonder if this is more of a turf issue. If one of your other family members was hosting the birthday party at their house instead of you hosting it would you still feel the same? What if a completely different venue like a party venue was chosen where you didn't have to go searching for seating, or use your dishes, etc? If it was a birthday party for someone else (even imagining it was someone else's child's first birthday) in the family would you still feel the same in that a 'virtual stranger' was there?

 

[TipsyTraveler]

Running short on time so I'll just try to summarize an answer to the last few posts.

I wouldn't do it to someone else. I wouldn't try to invite someone the hosts don't know along with me to their house, relatively last minute, when dinner is involved and they've already planned for a specific number of people, for a special occasion gathering where extended family and almost all friends have been excluded in an effort to keep it to the immediate family. The boyfriend has never been around for anything else the family does, so I certainly didn't think to invite him from the start. I wasn't expecting my SIL's request and I wasn't prepared with how to answer so, feeling put on the spot, I came here for advice. The advice has overwhelmingly been to let him come, so that's what we've done. I can still recognize it's not something I would ask of someone, but that doesn't mean it's eating at me or anything. I've continued to post simply for the purpose of keeping up with the thread because people are still discussing it. IRL, it was over and done when we made the decision to have him come. He's welcome with open arms and I'm sure we'll all have a good time.

 

[Kellykins1218]

It's "formal" to the extent that, until two days ago, I had assumed I would at least know everyone in attendance.

 

[PollyannaMom]

I admit to having read only pages 1 and 9, but the thing I can't get my head around is that this 16-year-old boy wants to come to this party. It seems impossible.

Probably less likely he wants to come and more likely, he will go wherever his girlfriend asks him to be.

Yep. And girlfriend is 16, when a lot of girls are cooing over babies, and gathering as much experience with different ages as they can - hoping to get more babysitting gigs! (She may even especially want auntie to see how nice boyfriend is so auntie doesn't worry that boyfriend will try to stop in while she's babysitting this kid.)


OP - I hope it goes great tonight!
.

 

[mmouse37]

I use my "China" several times a year and not just on holidays. I have been known to serve mac n cheese on China just for the heck of it!!!

OP please report back tomorrow and let us know how it went. Best of luck to you tonight and I hope it all goes smoothly! Happy Birthday to your little one.


MJ

 

[LSUmiss]

OP, if your brother was dating a woman for a year that you've never met and you had a b'day party would you not invite the SO? Would you think he should invite you somewhere for first meeting? I don't get this line of thinking about the niece's boyfriend. Perhaps he was busy or working at these previous events that you attended? This young man is obviously a big part of your niece's life and it would be gracious if you accepted him in to your home and life.

Sometimes we must accept the old cliche "it's not you, it's me".

See I see this differently. This is not an adult so it’s not the same. This
Is also a weekday evening. I don’t think it’s a reasonable expectation that a teen would need or ask to bring her BF to such an event. Guess things are just different around here.

 

[AnnaFloridaLover]

See I see this differently. This is not an adult so it’s not the same. This
Is also a weekday evening. I don’t think it’s a reasonable expectation that a teen would need or ask to bring her BF to such an event. Guess things are just different around here.

My family treats teens not as second class citizens but with respect and thoughtfulness.

 

[North of Mouse]

OP, hope you have a nice party - sounds good!!
By the way, I'm with you on the 'china' - love a nice table setting. Plus, we have it, enjoy it, so like to use it. Paper plates are fine for those who enjoy them, but we like eating from our dishes - sometimes fancy - sometimes not - just multi colored place settings of Fiestaware at times because it makes me feel good!!
We do use paper when we're camping in our motorhome though.

I'm with you on a child's 1st b'day, it's mostly about the adults and pictures. There will be plenty birthdays when it's mostly the kiddies - then the 'paper' can come out!!

 

[LSUmiss]

My family treats teens not as second class citizens but with respect and thoughtfulness.

Us too but in my family & everyone I know that doesn’t mean that they are afforded the same privileges or independence as adults. Although teens are not little children they are not adults.

 

[ronandannette]

I'm trying to keep it classy.


Eleven people plus a baby. MIL, FIL, BIL and SIL, SIL and her two teens, the boyfriend, my BFF, my DH and myself, the birthday boy.

Oh, right - better go with the Timbits then! Happy First Birthday, Aunt Tipsy's Baby!!

 

[AnnaFloridaLover]

Us too but in my family & everyone I know that doesn’t mean that they are afforded the same privileges or independence as adults. Although teens are not little children they are not adults.

Attending to your little cousin's birthday party with your boyfriend is considered a privilege? Ok. I though you only had a young child?

 

[LSUmiss]

Attending to your little cousin's birthday party with your boyfriend is considered a privilege? Ok. I though you only had a young child?

I mean in general b/c you asked if OP would feel the same if it were an adult relative. But, it’s not. There is a distinction. I do have a young child. Doesn’t mean I don’t know what my friends & family do or what I did or was allowed to do as a teen. We wouldn’t have even asked. We saw boyfriends on weekends not at formal weekday dinner parties.

 

[Lori74]

I wish i had china....