Ack! Advice quickly, please!

[dish rag]

Hey guys.

My son's first birthday is Thursday, two days from now. We're having a little party at our house that evening. We've invited my best friend and my husband's immediate family -- His parents, bro and SIL, and his sister and her two teen daughters, ages 13 and 16. Very small affair. My husband's sister just texted him asking if the 16y.o. can bring her boyfriend. He and the niece have been dating for about a year and I've only met him once in passing.

It feels awkward to have a virtual stranger at my baby's first birthday party, forever immortalized in the pictures. Also, I think it's a bit rude of my SIL to invite someone else to our house, especially on short notice (TBH, there will be plenty of food so I can't claim a problem there).

I kind of feel weird about this and want to say no, but I don't know if I'm justified in feeling that way and how we would go about wording that in the reply text so as to not upset anyone. My husband is annoyed she would even ask. We need to reply to her soon -- Thoughts on what to say?

Must be your first child.

 

[scrapquitler]

In our family, girlfriends and boyfriends are always welcome at casual events like this. If you really don't want him there, then have your husband tell his sibling that. But, don't be surprised if the niece doesn't show up as a result.

 

[BrookieM2001]

Yeah, i'm with everyone else. I dont see the issue, honestly. I mean, if you seriously want to say no, then by all means, say no. However, i definitely dont think that this is nearly important enough to cause a family issue over. And since you have no idea how his sister will react, or you do and you know its not going to be a good reaction, or you wouldn't be worried about telling her. Either way, honestly, it just doesn't matter enough for me to cause drama over. We haven't even looked at family pictures from our oldest daughters first birthday in years. Its just not something you have time for once the kid(s) get older and you're running around all the time. And years from now when shes 25 or 45 and looking at the pics, its going to be so not even a thought who that kid is in the candid shots. And he might just sit in a chair and talk to her and not even be in pics. Which also makes me say the small talk issue is pretty moot. This kid is probably not coming for cake and to talk to anyone. Hes coming because his girlfriend was like "blah, family function...? Can i bring Bobby so i have someone to talk to?" This kids is honestly going to be a tiny blip in your day that you'll wonder why you even worried about 6 months from now.

 

[jalapeno_pretzel]

Not a big deal. Invite the boyfriend. He is not going to need taking care of and is not going to get in every photo. He's probably a nice kid if he's a teenager willing to go to a 1 year olds party.

 

[Julie's Haircut]

I wonder if this boyfriend even knows about the invitation. I can't imagine a teenage boy WANTING to go to a first birthday party for a stranger's child just so he could be with the girlfriend.

Say no and let the niece and the boyfriend find their amusement elsewhere.

Is it really the thing you want to possibly cause a family rift over?

The other family might be fine with the OP declining to invite the boyfriend. They're just asking. If they're not fine with it and a rift results, it's all on them, not the OP.

 

[barkley]

What's the problem. You and your husband are on the same side. You want to say no. Your husband is annoyed that someone asked. Then it's NO. His family. He can tell his sister.

I agree-you don't have to make an excuse. a yes or no question was asked and your dh can just tell them no.

btw-it's your home, your son's day, your choice on the guests so if the teen decides not to come don't let it get to you (her parents should have already taught her that it's rude as a guest to contact the host at the last minute to ask if you can bring an additional guest-i'm guessing she assumed they are a 2fer on invites, already invited him and just mentioned it to her parents who should have never involved you in the first place).

 

[AppleDumpling]

I wouldn’t mind at all if the boyfriend came. But since it bothers both you and your DH, have him be honest with his sister. Say that you want to keep it small and family only, and would prefer that he not be there.

Just realize that it could cause hard feelings, and as pp pointed out, there’s a good chance your niece may also decide not to come.

 

[TipsyTraveler]

What's the problem. You and your husband are on the same side. You want to say no. Your husband is annoyed that someone asked. Then it's NO. His family. He can tell his sister.

Yeah, he will definitely be the one responding to his sister either way. I was mostly looking for help with the text message wording to express that we aren't comfortable with the boyfriend coming. But it looks like everyone seems to think we're being unreasonable, so we may have to reconsider what we're going to do.

 

[Allison]

Must be your first child.

Ha. I was just thinking how this reminded me of the Luvs commercial highlighting the difference between the bathtimes of the first child and second child.

 

[CrankyDad]

Must be your first child.

Bingo. Only the newbie parents would rush to a Disney message board to post something like the OP..

Holy cow, who cares if someone random, soon to be ex-boyfriend is in the background of your kids b-day party????

Relax OP and get a grip

 

[bluezy]

I can't even tell you who was at my oldest son's first birthday party (31 years ago)....or the 2nd son's first birthday party....or the 3rd...or our 1st daughter....or our 2nd daughter (13 years ago). See the pattern???? And none of those parties had more than 10-12 people at them. Frankly, I don't even remember the parties period. I'm sure I was worried about every little detail at the time, but now those memories just aren't significant. I have far better memories and milestones in my core memories. This is such an insignificant detail in life.

And as many other people have said, this boy isn't going to be an issue at the party. He and your niece are going to sit in a corner right next to each other with their phones in their faces. You won't hear a peep from them.

All that being said, it's your home and your party. If it's really such a big deal to you, then tell your SIL you're not comfortable with him coming to the party. But frankly, if he's been dating your niece for a year already when *are* you going to feel comfortable including him in family events? (Rhetorical question). Oh, and everyone's a stranger the first time you meet them.

 

[luvsJack]

I wonder if this boyfriend even knows about the invitation. I can't imagine a teenage boy WANTING to go to a first birthday party for a stranger's child just so he could be with the girlfriend.

Say no and let the niece and the boyfriend find their amusement elsewhere.



The other family might be fine with the OP declining to invite the boyfriend. They're just asking. If they're not fine with it and a rift results, it's all on them, not the OP.

Lol how many teen boys do you know with a gf? They seem to be at everything! For awhile anyway.

The sil May be fine with it. Or they may think the OP is being unreasonable. Who knows what they will think. It’s just so not a big deal that it isn’t worth taking that chance regardless of who is to blame.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I can see how this might make you feel at first....
But, maybe not so much as big a deal as it seems.

I am not big, at all, at making it like teen girlfriends and boyfriends are 'family'.
But, if they are like almost 17 and have been seriously together for a year, maybe time to 'give' just a little.

I say, if your husband is annoyed and is not okay with it, let HIM handle it with his sister.
I would refrain from stepping in.
You are risking the appearance that you are making something personal, like how their family is handling this relationship, your business.

And, without any offense at all intended... it seems that you might have a little bit of the hyper-focused, all about my new little baby, kind of thing going on.
That might not end up serving you well... and can add a lot of unnecessary stress.

Just have the gathering and enjoy!!!!!

 

[Julie's Haircut]

Yeah, he will definitely be the one responding to his sister either way. I was mostly looking for help with the text message wording to express that we aren't comfortable with the boyfriend coming. But it looks like everyone seems to think we're being unreasonable, so we may have to reconsider what we're going to do.

If texting is a problem, have him call and just say how you feel, that the both of you are uncomfortable with the boyfriend coming. Your in laws shouldn't have a problem with it. Yeah, the niece might decide not to come.

So you might have
1. Niece and boyfriend present
2. No niece.

Reconsider what's best for YOU, not what's best for the niece.

 

[sk!mom]

It's not just the picture thing. The bigger issue in my mind is having a stranger in the mix at a party that was intended to be a small gathering of our "nearest and dearest." I realize I might be a little antisocial, but I don't really want to have to make small talk with someone I don't know in my own home. We only invited eight people; this isn't a house party where people can get lost in the crowd.

Maybe because I have many nieces and nephews and our family gatherings are typically very casual, but I don't see the issue. We've had various boyfriends and girlfriends at gatherings for years. From the 16 year old's perspective, she's going to have an exciting night at a 1 year old's party. She's just trying to make it a little more enjoyable for herself. Plus if they've been dating a year, why shouldn't she get to bring a date to a party?

We jokingly have named the outside spot in a group photo the "boyfriend slot" in case we ever need to crop you out. But we're joking. I, at least, think that someone whose been around for a year is part of our story and I never mind seeing them in the photos (well there are a couple of exceptions to that sentiment.)

You won't need to say more than "hello" to him unless you want to. Bear in mind though, that if you refuse, the 16 year old may decline your invitation.

 

[TipsyTraveler]

Bingo. Only the newbie parents would rush to a Disney message board to post something like the OP..

Holy cow, who cares if someone random, soon to be ex-boyfriend is in the background of your kids b-day party????

Relax OP and get a grip

Yes, it's my first kid, but I know myself well enough to say I'd be feeling the same way if this was my fifth kid or a birthday party for a dog (not that I do those, lol). I think it's rude to ask if you can bring someone to other peoples' homes, especially when it's such a small gathering, especially when it's immediate family only. We didn't invite the extended family because our house is small and things will already be tight as it is with eight people, so I do feel a little at being asked to host someone I don't know. And there is no background for him to disappear into as the whole party will take place in the living room, so if he comes he will be very much a part of the dynamic.

 

[anniemae]

I think you are overreacting. Let him come to the party, it is not a big deal. Who cares if he is in photos. I have people in my wedding pictures that I hardly knew and don't talk to today i.e. DH's work friends, BIL wife who he since divorced, neighbors of MIL etc. It really is not a big deal.

Also, first birthdays are wonderful, but your child will not remember it. You will probably not look at the pictures much. You are over thinking it.

I do think it was a little forward of your SIL to put you on the spot. You really can't say "no" without looking bad. She probably did not think it would be that big of a deal.

 

[Southernmiss]

I think you are overreacting. Let him come to the party, it is not a big deal. Who cares if he is in photos. I have people in my wedding pictures that I hardly knew and don't talk to today i.e. DH's work friends, BIL wife who he since divorced, neighbors of MIL etc. It really is not a big deal.

Also, first birthdays are wonderful, but your child will not remember it. You will probably not look at the pictures much. You are over thinking it.

I do think it was a little forward of your SIL to put you on the spot. You really can't say "no" without looking bad. She probably did not think it would be that big of a deal.

Isn't this the truth. People and times change. Dh and I haven't talked to a lot of our own wedding party in years.

We've all grown, changed and had families. Our lives are all very different now.

 

[powellrj]

Trust me, by the time it’s your 5th kid you really won’t care. In a few years you won’t even care who was at this one there will be so many other milestones stones that you will have celebrated. I have no idea who was at my kids first birthdays. Weather my brother brought a date or not to the older kids birthday.

 

[BrookieM2001]

I think you are overreacting. Let him come to the party, it is not a big deal. Who cares if he is in photos. I have people in my wedding pictures that I hardly knew and don't talk to today i.e. DH's work friends, BIL wife who he since divorced, neighbors of MIL etc. It really is not a big deal.

Also, first birthdays are wonderful, but your child will not remember it. You will probably not look at the pictures much. You are over thinking it.

I do think it was a little forward of your SIL to put you on the spot. You really can't say "no" without looking bad. She probably did not think it would be that big of a deal.

I agree, i really dont think SIL ever imagined that this would be such a huge issue, it wouldn't even occur to me that its a problem if my nephew brought his GF and they have been together less than a year. Also, just from personal experience, the boyfriend or girlfriend of a siblings child can be a significant person in your childs life. My nephews GF bought my girls xmas gifts this year, she is one of my middle daughters favorite people. They play together and really mesh. Honestly, i think you're excluding someone from your childs life who could actually be a positive person who cares for your child. They probably wont get married, but could easily be together for another year or more, and by then your child will be old enough to prefer people and that could be a good thing. i guess if i didnt have an actual reason to dislike this boy, i dont know why him being a part of the party is such a problem.

But honestly, it doesnt sound like you are going to change your mind. You seem to be pretty adamant that you dont want him there, so i would just have your husband let his sister know and deal with whatever fallout there is, because you seem to be pretty rigid about your decision.