Ack! Advice quickly, please!

[Allison]

Still not an issue.

 

[LMA712014]

Yes, it's my first kid, but I know myself well enough to say I'd be feeling the same way if this was my fifth kid or a birthday party for a dog (not that I do those, lol). I think it's rude to ask if you can bring someone to other peoples' home, especially when it's such a small gathering, especially when it's immediate family only. We didn't invite the extended family because our house is small and things will already be tight as it is with eight people, so I do feel a little at being asked to host someone I don't know. And there is no background for him to disappear into as the whole party will take place in the living room, so if he comes he will be very much a part of the dynamic.

As a PP said, he’ll hang out with his girlfriend and if they’ve been dating a year I’d assume most folks would know him? Not a stranger.

And though I somewhat get the mentality, it’s really only rude if they didn’t mention it. One more person is totally not going to disrupt things. It’s not worth a family dispute over something that honestly won’t shake the boat.

 

[LSUmiss]

It's not just the picture thing. The bigger issue in my mind is having a stranger in the mix at a party that was intended to be a small gathering of our "nearest and dearest." I realize I might be a little antisocial, but I don't really want to have to make small talk with someone I don't know in my own home. We only invited eight people; this isn't a house party where people can get lost in the crowd.

I think you have the right to feel however you do & have the right to say no. Just say it’s a small affair. I think it’s rude to ever ask to invite someone who wasn’t originally invited. Or like my DH family does often just bring whomever they feel like even to a pay per head event at a venue! I’m so tired of ppl & their boundary issues!! Ahhhh!

 

[LSUmiss]

Is it really the thing you want to possibly cause a family rift over?

IMO they cause the rift. I just don’t believe in continuing to let ppl push boundaries just to keep the peace.

 

[LSUmiss]

Must be your first child.

How dismissive. So what if it is. Might be first & only. She has the right to feel however she feels.

 

[BrookieM2001]

Isn't this the truth. People and times change. Dh and I haven't talked to a lot of our own wedding party in years.

We've all grown, changed and had families. Our lives are all very different now.

Yeah i was thinking this too. I have lots of pics of my very best friends at my daughters first birthday, people i thought would be aunts to my kid, who i dont even see anymore, and my children have barely met. No hostility there, we just grew and moved apart. Also, what if SIL got divorced? You (general) cant exclude anyone but blood relatives from any important gatherings just with the expectation that only people who will be around in 30 years get to be in pics. Its just not that significant.

 

[Kellydelly]

I think that you are within your rights to not want him there, and that is ok. Having a history of awkward party issues myself, I think you will feel better if you graciously let him tag along.

 

[robinb]

I would invite him.

 

[LSUmiss]

Yeah, he will definitely be the one responding to his sister either way. I was mostly looking for help with the text message wording to express that we aren't comfortable with the boyfriend coming. But it looks like everyone seems to think we're being unreasonable, so we may have to reconsider what we're going to do.

I would say something like normally you might not mind but this is just a very small intimate gathering & you don’t know him that well. I would leave out the picture thing b/c probably your niece thinks this is a life long commitment & it’ll make her mad that you don’t want him in pics b/c he won’t always be around later.

 

[Nettester]

Honestly, I would be annoyed too. I think people really need to think about how much space the host family has before asking to invite another. That's a factor for me. But, the bigger picture here is that if you say no your niece is going to feel slighted, or uncomfortable at best, which makes for awkwardness if she comes to the party. She may not come at all if she is sensitive or takes this personally. She may come only because she has to be there, not because she wants to. She may be gracious enough to understand and be delightful, but that would be an exceptionally mature teenager. I don't know if her parents care one way or the other. They could be cool with your no answer, or very irritated if they don't understand your point of view. None of this underlying tension will make the occasion any happier, so I'd suck it up and tell her he can come, even though you are well within your right to say no. Having him in photos wouldn't bother me at all, just makes things more interesting.

 

[LSUmiss]

Honestly, I would be annoyed too. I think people really need to think about how much space the host family has before asking to invite another. That's a factor for me. But, the bigger picture here is that if you say no your niece is going to feel slighted, or uncomfortable at best, which makes for awkwardness if she comes to the party. She may not come at all if she is sensitive or takes this personally. She may come only because she has to be there, not because she wants to. She may be gracious enough to understand and be delightful, but that would be an exceptionally mature teenager. I don't know if her parents care one way or the other. They could be cool with your no answer, or very irritated if they don't understand your point of view. None of this underlying tension will make the occasion any happier, so I'd suck it up and tell her he can come, even though you are well within your right to say no. Having him in photos wouldn't bother me at all, just makes things more interesting.

I agree the niece might do this too. But, I personally wouldn’t care. Basically that’s throwing a fit when you don’t get your way. Tough.

 

[HannaBelle]

OP, it is your party and you need to call the shots. Simply have your husband text, “Sorry, it is a family only event.”

No other details nessecary.

 

[TipsyTraveler]

I agree, i really dont think SIL ever imagined that this would be such a huge issue, it wouldn't even occur to me that its a problem if my nephew brought his GF and they have been together less than a year. Also, just from personal experience, the boyfriend or girlfriend of a siblings child can be a significant person in your childs life. My nephews GF bought my girls xmas gifts this year, she is one of my middle daughters favorite people. They play together and really mesh. Honestly, i think you're excluding someone from your childs life who could actually be a positive person who cares for your child. They probably wont get married, but could easily be together for another year or more, and by then your child will be old enough to prefer people and that could be a good thing. i guess if i didnt have an actual reason to dislike this boy, i dont know why him being a part of the party is such a problem.

But honestly, it doesnt sound like you are going to change your mind. You seem to be pretty adamant that you dont want him there, so i would just have your husband let his sister know and deal with whatever fallout there is, because you seem to be pretty rigid about your decision.

Not a huge issue. I felt like we had been put in an uncomfortable position and wasn't sure how we should reply, so I posted here to get input from others. And yes, I do feel adamant that I don't want him to come, but that doesn't mean we won't end up letting him come.

As a PP said, he’ll hang out with his girlfriend and if they’ve been dating a year I’d assume most folks would know him? Not a stranger.

And though I somewhat get the mentality, it’s really only rude if they didn’t mention it. One more person is totally not going to disrupt things. It’s not worth a family dispute over something that honestly won’t shake the boat.

Aside from the niece's mother and sister, no, the rest of the family doesn't really know him. He came to pick up my niece after Thanksgiving dinner, came in, said hello and waved to everybody before leaving. Seemed nice enough, but that's the extent of interaction my DH, BIL, SIL, and I have had with him in the past year. The grandparents may have had other occasions to meet him, I'm not sure. He's far closer to the "stranger" end of the spectrum than the "new family member" end of it. I'm not against getting to know him, this is just not the time or place I would have chosen to do so.

I think that you are within your rights to not want him there, and that is ok. Having a history of awkward party issues myself, I think you will feel better if you graciously let him tag along.

Thanks for understanding and yes, this is probably what's going to happen in the end. I was surprised by how many people say this wouldn't be an issue for them, though.

 

[TipsyTraveler]

Also, I just want to say my niece is a very mature, sweet girl and I think she would handle this graciously if we said no. I highly doubt she'd refuse to come, though she'd be free to make that choice, of course. My SIL is also easy going and would take it in stride, at least superficially. My concern was mainly about how to convey the message without hurting feelings, or rubbing someone the wrong way, or making them feel embarrassed for having asked in the first place. Or maybe my DH and I just need to get more comfortable with telling people 'no.'

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

You can text back that you'd like to keep his first birthday small and intimate, and the boyfriend is welcome to go to the next event.

 

[ronandannette]

It's not just the picture thing. The bigger issue in my mind is having a stranger in the mix at a party that was intended to be a small gathering of our "nearest and dearest." I realize I might be a little antisocial, but I don't really want to have to make small talk with someone I don't know in my own home. We only invited eight people; this isn't a house party where people can get lost in the crowd.

You aren't going to have to make small talk with a 16 year old boy. He will be with his girlfriend. You won't have to entertain him, you won't have to do anything. This is no big deal.

@Allison is 100% correct about this. You won't have to talk to him much at all. Ostensibly the grown-ups will be paying attention to the birthday baby and visiting with each other. Your DNiece and this BF will be be focused on each other and/or their phones. Believe me - this is how it will happen.

Yeah, he will definitely be the one responding to his sister either way. I was mostly looking for help with the text message wording to express that we aren't comfortable with the boyfriend coming. But it looks like everyone seems to think we're being unreasonable, so we may have to reconsider what we're going to do.

Unfortunately there isn't much way to nuance it; at least if you don't want to risk them misunderstanding and bringing him anyway. For example, if you say "We were actually thinking it would just be family", it may be too vague and they just shrug and bring him anyway. You'll need to be direct and say "No, not this time."

Not a huge issue. I felt like we had been put in an uncomfortable position and wasn't sure how we should reply, so I posted here to get input from others. And yes, I do feel adamant that I don't want him to come, but that doesn't mean we won't end up letting him come. ...

...Thanks for understanding and yes, this is probably what's going to happen in the end. I was surprised by how many people say this wouldn't be an issue for them, though.

You don't have to let him come; you really don't. I'm all for setting and protecting boundaries but I do urge you to be realistic. If he's not included be prepared for your niece to get petulant and refuse to come herself. Teens really, really are like this and as a parent, not all hills are worth dying on. If her parents allow her to bow out, don't get bitter.

Whatever happens, try not to stress - enjoy the day with your precious little one.

 

[disneyhand]

I come from a very big extended family. The teens and singles wanting to bring a boyfriend or girlfriend to any and all family gatherings happens all the time. It's never turned into a problem from a hosting position having any of them attend

 

[Wendy31]

I am an introvert, & I get nervous & anxious before most kinds of social events - even those I'm hosting, so I understand what you're saying.

However, because I understand what you're saying, I'm also telling you that including your niece's boyfriend will be fine.

Our kids are younger than DH's brother's kids, &, at many of our kids' birthday parties over the years, we've had our nieces' & nephews' boyfriends & girlfriends show up - sometimes, they've asked, & sometimes, they've haven't asked.

Most of the time, now, I just invite them on the front end. The more, the merrier, you know?

In fact, my niece's significant other was at our younger son's first birthday party, & they're no longer together now. He wasn't any of the posed pictures, but I do think I have a photo of them sitting together on the loveseat in our family room.

Beyond a "Hi! It's nice to meet you again... I'm glad you could come w/ [niece]," I promise you won't have to engage in any kind of small talk w/ him - he & your niece will be talking to each other & on their phones. Even in a smaller house, they'll be tucked away in a corner somewhere.

He may be in the candid birthday photos, but you can set up & pose the other pictures however you like. And, when looking back at photos, you'll just remember him as someone who was in your niece's life at the time - you've invited your niece as part of your family, &, right now, this guy is important to her - so any pictures that have him in them will just be part of your family's history.

You are well within your rights to decline your niece's request, of course, & it *is* a bit presumptuous to ask to bring someone else to an event - but, as you can see, from these responses, it's really not that unusual at all for nieces & nephews, as they get older, to start bringing their girl & boy friends to family events.

Your feelings are your feelings, & you probably do feel taken aback by the request & even a little put upon. But, to keep the family peace, I'd just be gracious & tell your niece that bringing her boyfriend is fine, &, then, I wouldn't worry any more about it.

Again, I've been exactly where you are!

 

[EveDallas]

Hey guys.

My son's first birthday is Thursday, two days from now. We're having a little party at our house that evening. We've invited my best friend and my husband's immediate family -- His parents, bro and SIL, and his sister and her two teen daughters, ages 13 and 16. Very small affair. My husband's sister just texted him asking if the 16y.o. can bring her boyfriend. He and the niece have been dating for about a year and I've only met him once in passing.

It feels awkward to have a virtual stranger at my baby's first birthday party, forever immortalized in the pictures. Also, I think it's a bit rude of my SIL to invite someone else to our house, especially on short notice (TBH, there will be plenty of food so I can't claim a problem there).

I kind of feel weird about this and want to say no, but I don't know if I'm justified in feeling that way and how we would go about wording that in the reply text so as to not upset anyone. My husband is annoyed she would even ask. We need to reply to her soon -- Thoughts on what to say?

I say it's your house and you get to decide who to invite. It's pretty pushy of your SIL to ask to bring people you don't know IMO.

 

[Lori74]

I've had to be the bad guy quite often over the years with pushy relatives. When I look back, it has created riffs and hurt feelings when I say no. Like pp have said, there will be many milestone pics with ppl that are very important to you at the time, but drift out of your life. My own wedding pics have perfect strangers to me today in them. If he does come, a trick I use is to have the one that you don't want in pics, to take the pics. It makes them feel welcomed and useful and you are getting the pics you want. Take a couple with him in it, but you can delete or be nice and send to niece. Happy birthday to your baby and try not to stress!