big kahuna1
DIS Veteran
- Joined
- Sep 18, 2006
Party Pooper!
Daily joke thread......
- Thread starter tellnotails
- Start date
Party Pooper!
AuburnJen92
DIS Veteran
- Joined
- May 30, 2005
yep, that's me!
Tent Camping Mom
<font color=blue>Sleeping Under the Stars<br><font
- Joined
- Jul 28, 2006
On the first day, God created the dog and said:
"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
"Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?"
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said:
"You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said:
"Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
"Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?"
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said:
"You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said:
"Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
tellnotails
I would have 10,000 posts......but 4 out of 5 get
- Joined
- Aug 2, 2006
So should children witness childbirth or not?
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her Mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place......... smack his *** again."
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her Mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place......... smack his *** again."
Born 2 Fish
I'D RATHER BE FISHING.
- Joined
- Jun 19, 2008
Kazzy1548
Listenning to my music, Dreaming about Disney
- Joined
- Feb 2, 2007
3 Couple die in a car accident, when they arrive at the gates of heaven, St-Peter tells the husband of the first couple: "You are not getting into heaven, all your life money was your god, you lied for money, you cheated for money, you even married a woman named Penny.
To the man of the second couple, St-Peter says: "You are not getting into heaven, all your life alcool was your god, you cheated for Alcool, you lied for alcool, you even married a woman named Sherry.
The man of the last couple turns to his wife a tell her: " lets go Fanny, I don't think we are getting in...."
Kazzy
To the man of the second couple, St-Peter says: "You are not getting into heaven, all your life alcool was your god, you cheated for Alcool, you lied for alcool, you even married a woman named Sherry.
The man of the last couple turns to his wife a tell her: " lets go Fanny, I don't think we are getting in...."
Kazzy
tellnotails
I would have 10,000 posts......but 4 out of 5 get
- Joined
- Aug 2, 2006
While I was watching Michigan beat Florida one weekend, my wife and I got into a conversation about life and death, and the need for living wills.
During the course of the conversation I told her that I never wanted to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and living on fluids.
She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.
Man, sometimes it's tough being married to a smartass.
During the course of the conversation I told her that I never wanted to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and living on fluids.
She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.
Man, sometimes it's tough being married to a smartass.
tellnotails
I would have 10,000 posts......but 4 out of 5 get
- Joined
- Aug 2, 2006
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!
AuburnJen92
DIS Veteran
- Joined
- May 30, 2005
How do you make University of Michigan cookies?
Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours.
Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours.
- Joined
- Feb 10, 2008
ntsammy5
DIS Veteran
- Joined
- Jul 11, 2006
- Joined
- Feb 10, 2008
OOpps, sorry.
Posted under wrong name again.
Posted under wrong name again.
Born 2 Fish
I'D RATHER BE FISHING.
- Joined
- Jun 19, 2008
I'm living proof that spelling isn't important,
just look at some of the crap I write / spell.
tellnotails
I would have 10,000 posts......but 4 out of 5 get
- Joined
- Aug 2, 2006
An Michigan Fan visiting the campus of Auburn University around Christmas time, saw a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it.
But one small feature was all wrong: the three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, he left.
At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, he asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets.
She exploded into a rage, yelling, "You darn Yankees never read your Bibles!"
The Outsider assured her that he did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.
She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and rifled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage.
Sticking it in the guys face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise men came from afar.'"
But one small feature was all wrong: the three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, he left.
At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, he asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets.
She exploded into a rage, yelling, "You darn Yankees never read your Bibles!"
The Outsider assured her that he did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.
She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and rifled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage.
Sticking it in the guys face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise men came from afar.'"
AuburnJen92
DIS Veteran
- Joined
- May 30, 2005
You must have your geography wrong. Quick stops are in Georgia, Circle K's are in Alabama. If you are going to tell a joke man, please tell it correctly. That's a GA joke!
tellnotails
I would have 10,000 posts......but 4 out of 5 get
- Joined
- Aug 2, 2006
Three Things to Think about: Cows, the Constitution and the Ten
>Commandments
>
>COWS
>Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government
>can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the
>stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington? And, they tracked
>her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million
>illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow.
>THE CONSTITUTION
>They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we
>just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's
>worked for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore.
>TEN COMMANDMENTS
>The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse
>is because you cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not
>Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of
>lawyers, judges and politicians -- it creates a hostile work environment.
>Commandments
>
>COWS
>Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government
>can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the
>stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington? And, they tracked
>her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million
>illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow.
>THE CONSTITUTION
>They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we
>just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's
>worked for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore.
>TEN COMMANDMENTS
>The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse
>is because you cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not
>Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of
>lawyers, judges and politicians -- it creates a hostile work environment.
tellnotails
I would have 10,000 posts......but 4 out of 5 get
- Joined
- Aug 2, 2006
Normisms -- funny lines from Norm on Cheers
1. COACH: What would you say to a glass of beer, Norm?
NORM : Going Down?
2. COACH: What would you say to a glass of beer, Norm?
NORM : Daddy wuvs you.
3. COACH: What's shaking, Norm?
NORM : All 4 cheeks and a couple of chins.
4. COACH: What'll it be, Normie?
NORM : Just the usual Coach. I'll have a froath of beer and a snorkel.
5. SAM : What'll you have, Norm?
NORM : Well I'm in a gambling mood, Sammy. I'll have a glass of whatever
comes of whatever comes out of that tap.
SAM : Oh, Looks like beer, Norm.
NORM : Call me Mister Lucky.
6. WOODY: Hey Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you.
NORM : I know, and if she calls, I'm not here.
7. WOODY: Hey Mr. Peterson, Jack Frost been nipping at your nose?
NORM : Yep. Now let's get Joe Beer nipping at my liver, huh?
8. COACH: Can I draw you a beer, Norm?
NORM : No, I know what one looks like. Just pour me one.
9. COACH: How about a beer, Norm?
NORM : Hey I'm high on life, Cooach....Of course, beer is my life.
10. COACH: How's a beer sound, Norm?
NORM : I dunno. I usually finish them before they get a word in.
11. COACH: What's going down, Normie?
NORM : My butt cheeks on that bar stool.
12. COACH: What's up, Norm?
NORM : Corners of my mouth, Coach.
13. COACH: Beer, Normie?
NORM : Uh, Coach, I dunno, I had one this week. Eh, why not, I'm still
young.
14. COACH: Normie, Normie, could this be Vera?
NORM : With a lot of expensive surgery, maybe.
15. COACH: What's up, Normie?
NORM : The tempurature under my collar, Coach.
16. COACH: What's up, Norm?
NORM : Everything that's supposed to be.
17. COACH: What's up, Normie?
NORM : My nipples, it's freezing out there.
18. SAM : What's new, Norm?
NORM : Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach and they're
demanding beer.
19. SAM : What'd you like, Norm?
NORM : A reason to live. Gimme another beer.
20. SAM : What do you say, Norm?
NORM : Any cheap, tawdry thing that'll get me a beer.
21. SAM : What do you say to a beer, Norm?
NORM : Hiya sailor. New in town?
22. SAM : What's the good word, Norm?
NORM : Plop, plop, fizz,fizz.
23. SAM : Oh no, not the Hungry Heifer...
NORM : Yeah, yeah, yeah....
SAM : One heartburn cocktail coming up.
24. SAM : How's life in the fast lane?
NORM : Dunno, I can't get on the on-ramp.
25. SAM : What's the story, Norm?
NORM : Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer.
26. SAM : How about a beer, Norm?
NORM : That's that amber sudsy stuff, right? I've heard great things
about it.
27. SAM : How's life treating you, Norm?
NORM : It's not, Sammy, but you can.
28. SAM : Beer, Norm?
NORM : Have I gotten that predictable? Good.
29. SAM : Whatcha up to, Norm?
NORM : My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall.
30. SAM : How's life treating you, Norm?
NORM : Like it caught me sleeping with his wife.
God i miss Cheers
1. COACH: What would you say to a glass of beer, Norm?
NORM : Going Down?
2. COACH: What would you say to a glass of beer, Norm?
NORM : Daddy wuvs you.
3. COACH: What's shaking, Norm?
NORM : All 4 cheeks and a couple of chins.
4. COACH: What'll it be, Normie?
NORM : Just the usual Coach. I'll have a froath of beer and a snorkel.
5. SAM : What'll you have, Norm?
NORM : Well I'm in a gambling mood, Sammy. I'll have a glass of whatever
comes of whatever comes out of that tap.
SAM : Oh, Looks like beer, Norm.
NORM : Call me Mister Lucky.
6. WOODY: Hey Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you.
NORM : I know, and if she calls, I'm not here.
7. WOODY: Hey Mr. Peterson, Jack Frost been nipping at your nose?
NORM : Yep. Now let's get Joe Beer nipping at my liver, huh?
8. COACH: Can I draw you a beer, Norm?
NORM : No, I know what one looks like. Just pour me one.
9. COACH: How about a beer, Norm?
NORM : Hey I'm high on life, Cooach....Of course, beer is my life.
10. COACH: How's a beer sound, Norm?
NORM : I dunno. I usually finish them before they get a word in.
11. COACH: What's going down, Normie?
NORM : My butt cheeks on that bar stool.
12. COACH: What's up, Norm?
NORM : Corners of my mouth, Coach.
13. COACH: Beer, Normie?
NORM : Uh, Coach, I dunno, I had one this week. Eh, why not, I'm still
young.
14. COACH: Normie, Normie, could this be Vera?
NORM : With a lot of expensive surgery, maybe.
15. COACH: What's up, Normie?
NORM : The tempurature under my collar, Coach.
16. COACH: What's up, Norm?
NORM : Everything that's supposed to be.
17. COACH: What's up, Normie?
NORM : My nipples, it's freezing out there.
18. SAM : What's new, Norm?
NORM : Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach and they're
demanding beer.
19. SAM : What'd you like, Norm?
NORM : A reason to live. Gimme another beer.
20. SAM : What do you say, Norm?
NORM : Any cheap, tawdry thing that'll get me a beer.
21. SAM : What do you say to a beer, Norm?
NORM : Hiya sailor. New in town?
22. SAM : What's the good word, Norm?
NORM : Plop, plop, fizz,fizz.
23. SAM : Oh no, not the Hungry Heifer...
NORM : Yeah, yeah, yeah....
SAM : One heartburn cocktail coming up.
24. SAM : How's life in the fast lane?
NORM : Dunno, I can't get on the on-ramp.
25. SAM : What's the story, Norm?
NORM : Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer.
26. SAM : How about a beer, Norm?
NORM : That's that amber sudsy stuff, right? I've heard great things
about it.
27. SAM : How's life treating you, Norm?
NORM : It's not, Sammy, but you can.
28. SAM : Beer, Norm?
NORM : Have I gotten that predictable? Good.
29. SAM : Whatcha up to, Norm?
NORM : My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall.
30. SAM : How's life treating you, Norm?
NORM : Like it caught me sleeping with his wife.
God i miss Cheers
tellnotails
I would have 10,000 posts......but 4 out of 5 get
- Joined
- Aug 2, 2006
With the Start of SEC Football Season nearing.....
1) What does the average Alabama Player get on his SATs? .
Drool.
(2) What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas Cheerleaders in one room? .
A full set of teeth.
(3) How do you get a South Carolina Cheerleader into your dorm room? .
Grease her hips and push.
(4) How do you get a Georgia Graduate off your porch? .
Pay him for the pizza.
(5) How do you know if a Mississippi State football player has a Girlfriend? .........
There is tobacco spit on both sides of his pickup
(6) Why is the Kentucky Football team like a possum? ..........
Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.
(7) What are the longest three years of an Auburn football player's Life? ..........
His freshman year.
(8) How many Florida Freshmen does it take to change a light bulb? .
None. That's a sophomore course.
(9) Where was O. J. headed in the white Bronco? .
Baton Rouge, Louisiana. He knew that the police would never look at LSU for a Heisman Trophy winner.
AND FINALLY (drum roll and cymbal crash.....)
(10) Why did Tennessee choose orange as their team color? ..........
You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday, and Picking up trash
along the highways the rest of the week.
1) What does the average Alabama Player get on his SATs? .
Drool.
(2) What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas Cheerleaders in one room? .
A full set of teeth.
(3) How do you get a South Carolina Cheerleader into your dorm room? .
Grease her hips and push.
(4) How do you get a Georgia Graduate off your porch? .
Pay him for the pizza.
(5) How do you know if a Mississippi State football player has a Girlfriend? .........
There is tobacco spit on both sides of his pickup
(6) Why is the Kentucky Football team like a possum? ..........
Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.
(7) What are the longest three years of an Auburn football player's Life? ..........
His freshman year.
(8) How many Florida Freshmen does it take to change a light bulb? .
None. That's a sophomore course.
(9) Where was O. J. headed in the white Bronco? .
Baton Rouge, Louisiana. He knew that the police would never look at LSU for a Heisman Trophy winner.
AND FINALLY (drum roll and cymbal crash.....)
(10) Why did Tennessee choose orange as their team color? ..........
You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday, and Picking up trash
along the highways the rest of the week.
Share this page
GET A DISNEY VACATION QUOTE
Dreams Unlimited Travel is committed to providing you with the very best vacation planning experience possible. Our Vacation Planners are experts and will share their honest advice to help you have a magical vacation.
Let us help you with your next Disney Vacation!
Dreams Unlimited Travel is committed to providing you with the very best vacation planning experience possible. Our Vacation Planners are experts and will share their honest advice to help you have a magical vacation.
Let us help you with your next Disney Vacation!
