How old is "too old" for a woman to have a baby?

[Pea-n-Me]

My many, many cousins and their many, many children would attest to that. All of them got married and started having babies right out of high school. There is about an 8 year gap between myself and the next oldest cousin. He’s already a grandpa three times over while mine and my sister’s oldest kids (21 and 23) aren’t even dating seriously. Getting married at 24 and not having my first child until 28 I was considered an “old maid” in my family. My folks were 17, so while still young they have some major health issues. It’s kind of put me in a hard position having young kids and sometimes having to choose who needs my attention most at times.

I hear you there!

Yeah, they are used interchangeably a lot. I didn’t think freezing eggs alone was all that common. Older DD was born in 96 with my second IVF cycle. She was one of six frozen embryos. The first successful frozen embryo transfer for that clinic. She was a huge deal to them at the time.

That's cool! Ours were frozen as well.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I could understand for most health benefits. However, this is a completely different rationale for providing this benefit - that one shouldn't necessarily feel as if the current career choice is affect the ability to be a parent in the future when fertility is inherently lower. However, it's generally not for companies to judge why an employee is taking advantage of a perk. So it could be someone who simply might want to have those eggs in reserve, even if they choose to have a child soon.

When I was working at a large company (Fortune 500 at the time) in Silicon Valley, I don't believe that a spouse would have had access to the company park or the company gym, so there were certain benefits that were reserved on for employees. Of course the reporting hasn't really been that specific.

That might not be the only rationale, though. It is not uncommon for young people to get cancer and rush to freeze their sperm and eggs prior to having chemo. I personally know some people who've done this. They might've just figured, hey, if we're going to offer this, it may come in handy for a lot of situations.

 

[gillep]

That might not be the only rationale, though. It is not uncommon for young people to get cancer and rush to freeze their sperm and eggs prior to having chemo. I personally know some people who've done this. They might've just figured, hey, if we're going to offer this, it may come in handy for a lot of situations.

All of the articles that I have found seem to point to it starting at Facebook due to exactly the situation that you have described.

 

[BigAlsGal]

To each their own. I knew I wanted to be done by 35 because of the risks going past that. Had 4 kids. Last pregnancy was at age 27. Twins. Had my tubes tied and ablation after that. I now look forward to chillaxing in my 40s with plenty of time (hopefully) to enjoy grand babies and with any luck...great grand babies!

 

[Skippy918]

I started young at 23. My plan was to be done by 35 which was not a problem since pregnancy #2, at age 25, was twins. Three kids by 25....and DH got a vasectomy 4 months after twins were born. I am 44 now. Most of our friends that are the same age have elementary aged kids while we are now empty nest. Our friends through our kids (parents of their friends) are in their 50s mostly. I can not imagine having a baby or toddler or even elementary kiddo running around. The thought exhausts me....but that's probably because I have been parenting 21 years and am long past that. I did have a phase where I regretted the vasectomy and wanted a 4th really bad. But that fizzled out by about age 33-34.

In my circle of friends who are all 40 this year, most of us have elementary aged kids, with a small handful having middle schoolers. Then there’s the few with high schoolers and toddlers and very few with infants and college aged kids. My coworker who is a year younger than me has 5 kids ranging from 8-19.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

All of the articles that I have found seem to point to it starting at Facebook due to exactly the situation that you have described.

It would be so much better to do it at your leisure than under that kind of pressure.

 

[bethy]

And many would say why tie yourself down so early in life. Some are thrilled to be tied down later in life after years of medical intervention trying to start their families. It really is a very individual decision.

I love being "tied down". We spaced our three kids out by 10 years just to delay having an empty nest. I love having kids in my home

 

[Wubar]

If you are healthy enough to have them, actually want them, are able to provide for them, and will love them more than anything? Than no age is too old. Bear in mind, some women might get pregnant at an older age than they originally might have planned because they might have had issues getting pregnant as well, like my wife and I. Or they didn't meet their significant other until later in life, or just chose to wait a while before starting a family. Would it have been better to have them earlier and have a little more energy taking care of them, and not be of retirement age when they graduate high school or college? Maybe. But I can't imagine what life would be like without my son, and although we would have liked to have more than one, we feel beyond blessed to have him, considering what we went through trying to get pregnant.

Let others pass judgment on us as "older parents", that's not a problem for me. I consider it more of a mortal sin to be a picky eater and/or not using your turn signals as opposed to having children at an older age!

 

[wenrob]

So many twins on the DIS!

I forgot to mention that while we were “older” parents in relation to the other parents when DD was in grade school most of her friends from high school/now have parents that are several years older than we are. I wonder if that’s a demographic thing. When she was little we lived in your average middle income neighborhood with lower income around the corner. Now we live in a higher income area due to being financially pretty stable which usually comes with age.

 

[bcla]

That might not be the only rationale, though. It is not uncommon for young people to get cancer and rush to freeze their sperm and eggs prior to having chemo. I personally know some people who've done this. They might've just figured, hey, if we're going to offer this, it may come in handy for a lot of situations.

Sure. A company would be hard-pressed to offer this kind of benefit but place conditions based on the rationale for doing so. I'm guessing that ASAP would be an ideal time to freeze an egg given that birth defect rates and miscarriages go up the older the mother is.

 

[robinb]

DH's niece just announced she's pregnant with their ninth child, and she will turn 40 right before it's due. She seems really unhappy that everyone around her isn't jumping with joy, but there is a lot of fear (unspoken).

I'm sorry, probably should have clarified that she had complications with the last one, and lost one either one or two before that, so it's a combination of age and other factors. We are all hoping for another healthy grand niece or nephew!

If she’s had complications and miscarriages I would say that for her 40 is probably her limit. She already has 8 children and I would think she would concentrate on her existing children rather than trying to have more. It would be terrible if she were to leave those kids without a mother.

 

[Colleen27]

Agreed completely. I think its awful how some women are stigmatized for not doing everything so early in life. I got married "late" by society standards-at age 35. Found my Mr Right at age 31 & got married a few years later. I had my first baby at age 36 & my second baby at age 38. I had family members who criticized and instilled a lot of anxiety that I would have birth complications, due to my age. I didn't get to "enjoy" my last pregnancy, because I was made to feel so worried that the baby would have complications, due to my age. Baby was healthy, and I regret falling prey to the judgment.

This is just another of the many areas where women can do no right. Get married or have kids before 25 and you're judged for not focusing enough on career and independence, wait until 30+ and you're judged for waiting too long and courting higher risks in pregnancy/birth. It is just impossible to please everyone.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Sure. A company would be hard-pressed to offer this kind of benefit but place conditions based on the rationale for doing so. I'm guessing that ASAP would be an ideal time to freeze an egg given that birth defect rates and miscarriages go up the older the mother is.

Yes, however many of the risks and complications of advanced maternal age are related to the health of the mother.

https://www.acog.org/Patients/FAQs/Having-a-Baby-After-Age-35

 

[gotomu212]

I started trying when I was 34, got pregnant at 35, and had DS at 36. I remember going through prenatal testing feeling grateful that I got pregnant at 35 instead of 34, because the increase in risk is negligible but the increase in care is substantial. Doctors and genetic counselors told me that the "advanced maternal age" of 35 is a rather arbitrary choice, since 35 is not that much riskier than, say, 33 or even 31, but they have to draw the line somewhere and that's what's been chosen. The biggest difference is the willingness of doctors to order the full gamut of tests and the willingness of the insurance companies to pay for it. By the time I was 13 weeks, I knew the fetus was negative for all chromosomal abnormalities, negative for Cystic Fibrosis, some other things that escape me and, bonus, had a gender confirmation. It gave me great peace of mind for the remainder of the pregnancy and I remember thinking how much it would suck to be a young 22 year old and not having access to this level of care, possibly only finding out my baby suffered from one of these conditions at the birth. Of course, no one has to do testing to that extent if they don't want to, but at 35+ it all becomes available to you without hassle or expense. So for every bit of increased risk that comes with age, I felt it was more than mitigated by an increased level of care.

My personal cut off for having more children will be when my husband and I decide we don't want more or when my fertility runs out, whichever comes first, but it won't be based on an arbitrary age.

Same. My kids are a decade apart and the difference in how I was treated (same practice and insurance) was astounding. We joked that we had more sonogram pictures of my second than of my first’s whole first year. DNA confirmation of gender and chromosomes at 11 weeks, birth defect monitoring, and extra doctor visits were given without question. I also felt like I was treated as a more empowered patient with age.

 

[LSUmiss]

My guess is that they likely offer it for female spouses of their male employees as well, my husband doesn't work for either Facebook or Apple, but has many friends that work for each, and most of the larger companies in the valley have pretty nice benefits and other policies for their employees, and all of the ones I have heard of our equal across the work force whether it be for an employee or spouse of an employee.

I just turned 33 and I still don't know that I feel ready for a child. My husband and I have been married for over 9 years, we both have excellent jobs, and own our own home, and I still feel totally ill prepared for a child. We have spent the past 9 years moving all over the US and building our lives and careers and it just has not felt like the right time yet. I am thankful that I likely still have a bit more time. It is such a personal decision, that I would never dream of telling another person what's right for them, or what the best time is.

I felt the same way at 33 & I am now 38 & pregnant. I am happy that I waited & so far have no complications.

 

[gillep]

I felt the same way at 33 & I am now 38 & pregnant. I am happy that I waited & so far have no complications.

Congratulations!!!! That gives me hope, at this point I feel like it would be easier to have a child than to continue to listen to my mom tell me about how many grandchildren her friends have, complete with accompanying tone of guilt and judgement!

 

[Wubar]

I felt the same way at 33 & I am now 38 & pregnant. I am happy that I waited & so far have no complications.

Congrats! Wishing you a smooth and healthy pregnancy going forward!

 

[LSUmiss]

Congratulations!!!! That gives me hope, at this point I feel like it would be easier to have a child than to continue to listen to my mom tell me about how many grandchildren her friends have, complete with accompanying tone of guilt and judgement!

Thank you! Haha! Had the same issues! And what I like about being older like many moms have posted is the constant care. I am 13 weeks & have had 3 ultrasounds already. I have 2 obs (high risk & regular). I look forward to my appts
when we can double check that things are ok. I can’t imagine just having to wait & hope things are ok. But, I will add that we also know one is all we want so if you plan to have more that might change things

 

[LSUmiss]

Congrats! Wishing you a smooth and healthy pregnancy going forward!

Thank you!!

 

[TipsyTraveler]

This is just another of the many areas where women can do no right. Get married or have kids before 25 and you're judged for not focusing enough on career and independence, wait until 30+ and you're judged for waiting too long and courting higher risks in pregnancy/birth. It is just impossible to please everyone.

Thank you. I was going to go into a whole long diatribe about this but you said it much more succinctly than I would've.