How old is "too old" for a woman to have a baby?

[AppleDumpling]

It's definitely a very personal choice and so much depends on one's circumstances.

Like many here, I went through miscarriages and infertility. Because our "choice" was affected by things out of our control, I became a mother older than I had planned. I also would've loved to have more children but it wasn't to be. Life isn't perfect and sometimes throws you curve balls. I feel blessed and happy for what I have.

I don't really see an upper age limit for a woman having a baby as long as she is able to conceive and carry the pregnancy. I do think that once you're a grandparent, it's probably time to stop having more kids of your own. In my extended family, there are a few instances where a child has an aunt or uncle who is younger than they are, and that's kind of weird.

As for OP, I can't imagine having 9 children at any age, but I would certainly support this expecting mom and wish her every happiness.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Timely article:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-5060793/Mummy-blogger-reveals-painful-IVF-past.html

 

[roseaster]

When the woman thinks she is too old. Period. It's no one's place to tell a woman what she can and cannot do with her body. If the woman is able to care for her child, who cares what her age is. There have been crappy young mothers and crappy older mothers. Children with birth defects and genetic abnormalities have been born to mothers of all ages. I had my 6th baby 2 months shy of my 46th birthday. My mother had me at 40. My grandmother had my father at 48. No technology.

I have children ranging in age from adult to toddler. We are more than capable of caring for our children.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

We were blessed with our daughter when I was 39, DH was 40. We thought we were done! Our sons were 20, 18, and 15 when she was born. Yeah, BIG age difference!! I can personally say having a child when your 40, is WAY different than at 20. There are things that I just can't do with her like I did with her brothers - cause I am old, lol. I remember going to the playground and climbing the monkey bars and running and jumping. Easy when you're in your 20's, not so much in your 40's. One advantage to being an older parent, for us, is that we are in a better place financially now then we were when her brothers were little.
Everyone is different and that choice is up to each individual.

I wonder if it's different when it's a situation like yours, having already had three kids, then having another much later, vs. people waiting and trying for many years to have that first baby, even if they're older. I'm guessing with the latter, for many, it is different, because they're experiencing all that awe and wonder for the first time. We were on the older side when we had our kids, and there wasn't much we didn't do with them. I can't think of anything, actually. To this day we still go on monster coasters with them and do pretty much anything anyone else does, even at a much younger age. Of course everyone is unique, but I think the for many people who've been waiting a whole lot of years to have that baby, they're going to really get into it, despite being older.

Either way you lose some freedoms. You lose them in your 20s or you lose them in your 40s or 50s.

I notice we don't hang out with my SO's family much anymore. We do more things with his friends circle. His family has younger kids or are starting their families. Most things they do is child centered activities. I'm over that phase. Pumpkin patches, breakfast with Santa, etc. His friends circle are around our age or 5-7 years older. We are the youngest but we all have teenagers. They have the same freedoms we have and are getting into the phase of doing more adult activities. Trips, couples weekends, girls weekends, etc. We also vacation all together with our children.

Ah, and it all comes back around again when you have grandchildren! We were always a little out of synch with many of our friends and family. And now that we have college age children, we're still out of synch because many of them are now grandparents, and once again doing the child care, pumpkin patches and soccer games, etc. It's kind of funny.

(And speaking very generally here, not to anyone in particular) I think some of the best advice we got over the years was not to wish it away. It's kind of hard not to sometimes when you're in the thick of it. Having friends and family with older kids I often heard, "Just wait until they're _______ " (fill in the blank). It was either somehow better or worse in their eyes than the stages my kids were in. I tried to just live in the moment as best I could and when we got to each stage, it was a new wonder. I think it's like that throughout a child's life. It's good to both enjoy and look forward to each new stage.

 

[wonder whisper]

Probably not news to many here, but fertility peaks at about age 22 (ergo, statistical probability of an egg getting fetrilized is highest) and definitely shows sharp declines by age 30. And those who have had children after 35 already know the probablity of birth defects rises after that age. The "good news" (at least to some) is the probablity of having twins, triplets etc. rises once a woman gets into her late thirties. Lastly, most OBGYNs will tell you that patients who wait until their forties to have their first child generally have a tougher pregnacies unless they are in stellar physical condition. And even if they are, they will find starting motherhood at that age can be challenging, just due to stamina levels not being what they were when they were younger.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I don’t so much care about if you can have a baby later in life as much as I would consider where I would want to be when I’m 55, 60, etc. do I want to be in the teen years at that time or having time to travel and enjoy myself because my kids are grown and married or out on there own.

We have a friend that had her kids in her 40’s and she has no time to “go out with the girls” because her kids have school, activities, etc.

I think people have to look at the whole picture before making a choice.

That could just be a choice she's making, i.e. Maybe she's not interested in partying right now. Usually if people really want to do something, they find a way.

 

[erin1715]

I wonder if it's different when it's a situation like yours, having already had three kids, then having another much later, vs. people waiting and trying for many years to have that first baby, even if they're older. I'm guessing with the latter, for many, it is different, because they're experiencing all that awe and wonder for the first time. We were on the older side when we had our kids, and there wasn't much we didn't do with them. I can't think of anything, actually. To this day we still go on monster coasters with them and do pretty much anything anyone else does, even at a much younger age. Of course everyone is unique, but I think the for many people who've been waiting a whole lot of years to have that baby, they're going to really get into it, despite being older.


Ah, and it all comes back around again when you have grandchildren! We were always a little out of synch with many of our friends and family. And now that we have college age children, we're still out of synch because many of them are now grandparents, and once again doing the child care, pumpkin patches and soccer games, etc. It's kind of funny.

(And speaking very generally here, not to anyone in particular) I think some of the best advice we got over the years was not to wish it away. It's kind of hard not to sometimes when you're in the thick of it. Having friends and family with older kids I often heard, "Just wait until they're _______ " (fill in the blank). It was either somehow better or worse in their eyes than the stages my kids were in. I tried to just live in the moment as best I could and when we got to each stage, it was a new wonder. I think it's like that throughout a child's life. It's good to both enjoy and look forward to each new stage.

Replying to the bolded - I think that advice is good advice for anyone regardless of whether or not children are involved. When you're going through fertility treatments, you live in two week cycles, always waiting for the next thing. And because of that mindset you're always waiting for the end goal of having that child. For a long time I lived in the thought of, "we will do this when we have kids". For the most part, I'm no longer living in that mindset. My husband and I have been married for 13 years next month and that has gone by in a blink. I'm trying to enjoy each day and not live for the future or wish that a certain season of our life would end. We will have hills and valleys in life and often I think the valleys teach us way more than when we're on the mountain top.

 

[PlainJane]

I also forgot to mention my husband I can’t do things at the elusive “perfect age” because he’s older than me. I’m too young to some and he’s too old to some to be a first time parent. He’s not even close to being old enough to be my father (even if he had me in middle school), but the gap makes planning for retirement, children, etc. more complicated than spouses that are the same or almost the same age.

 

[wenrob]

Ah, and it all comes back around again when you have grandchildren! We were always a little out of synch with many of our friends and family. And now that we have college age children, we're still out of synch because many of them are now grandparents, and once again doing the child care, pumpkin patches and soccer games, etc. It's kind of funny.

So true! I have a girlfriend a couple 4-5 years older than I am. Her youngest is just older than my oldest but, she now has two grandkids. So here we are both doing the same things, she’s just doing it with the next generation.

That could just be a choice she's making, i.e. Maybe she's not interested in partying right now. Usually if people really want to do something, they find a way.

Again, so true. I’m 49 and the last thing I want to do is go out and party. Has nothing to do with having young kids and everything to do with “been there, done that.” They do make for a good excuse though.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Well my husband is 28 and I'm 29. We've been married for 4 1/2 years and together for 10 years come next month. The "when are you going to have a baby" talk has been going on strong for over 5 years. I shrug is off playfully but really I want people to just butt out of my business. I have never gone up to a newly engaged or newly married couple or even a couple who has been together for a while and said "soooo when's the baby?". I don't know their life plans and won't presume to know their life plans. My husband and I will have (or attempt to) child(ren) when we're darn ready for it-not when other people are ready. At this point we enjoy our life.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

I wonder if it's different when it's a situation like yours, having already had three kids, then having another much later, vs. people waiting and trying for many years to have that first baby, even if they're older. I'm guessing with the latter, for many, it is different, because they're experiencing all that awe and wonder for the first time. We were on the older side when we had our kids, and there wasn't much we didn't do with them. I can't think of anything, actually. To this day we still go on monster coasters with them and do pretty much anything anyone else does, even at a much younger age. Of course everyone is unique, but I think the for many people who've been waiting a whole lot of years to have that baby, they're going to really get into it, despite being older.


Ah, and it all comes back around again when you have grandchildren! We were always a little out of synch with many of our friends and family. And now that we have college age children, we're still out of synch because many of them are now grandparents, and once again doing the child care, pumpkin patches and soccer games, etc. It's kind of funny.

(And speaking very generally here, not to anyone in particular) I think some of the best advice we got over the years was not to wish it away. It's kind of hard not to sometimes when you're in the thick of it. Having friends and family with older kids I often heard, "Just wait until they're _______ " (fill in the blank). It was either somehow better or worse in their eyes than the stages my kids were in. I tried to just live in the moment as best I could and when we got to each stage, it was a new wonder. I think it's like that throughout a child's life. It's good to both enjoy and look forward to each new stage.

I do look forward doing it all over again when and if I'm a grandma. At this point my kids don't want to do the kiddie stuff and going alone just gets boring. When the time comes for me to be a grandma I get to just show up, have fun and leave them with mom and dad. It'll definitely be a different way of doing things.

I definitely try my best not to wish any of it away. My son is about to graduate this year and it's crazy how fast time went by. Sometimes my heart aches thinking raising my kids is coming to an "end." But not enough to go and have another one at 35. lol

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Replying to the bolded - I think that advice is good advice for anyone regardless of whether or not children are involved. When you're going through fertility treatments, you live in two week cycles, always waiting for the next thing. And because of that mindset you're always waiting for the end goal of having that child. For a long time I lived in the thought of, "we will do this when we have kids". For the most part, I'm no longer living in that mindset. My husband and I have been married for 13 years next month and that has gone by in a blink. I'm trying to enjoy each day and not live for the future or wish that a certain season of our life would end. We will have hills and valleys in life and often I think the valleys teach us way more than when we're on the mountain top.

I understand.

 

[gillep]

Well my husband is 28 and I'm 29. We've been married for 4 1/2 years and together for 10 years come next month. The "when are you going to have a baby" talk has been going on strong for over 5 years. I shrug is off playfully but really I want people to just butt out of my business. I have never gone up to a newly engaged or newly married couple or even a couple who has been together for a while and said "soooo when's the baby?". I don't know their life plans and won't presume to know their life plans. My husband and I will have (or attempt to) child(ren) when we're darn ready for it-not when other people are ready. At this point we enjoy our life.

It is incredible how few boundaries some people have, I would never ask anyone such a personal question, unless we were close friends and we generally talked about such issues already.

A few years ago I was waiting outside of my building for my husband to pick me up, we had plans for dinner and to see a play downtown, but I had to stop by my doctor's office first to grab a sample from them. I ran into one of our admins while waiting, and told her that I was waiting for my husband to take me to the doctor. Well the next day she specifically seeks me out to tell me how excited she is for me and my husband! It took me a minute to figure out what on earth she was getting at, but it became clear very quickly that she felt the only reason I would go to the doctor with my husband is if I were pregnant, and that I would want to have that discussion with her. It was uncomfortable and crazy intrusive. I am polite to these people, but very firm that they need to stop thinking about the goings on in my uterus.

 

[NYCgrrl]

Well my husband is 28 and I'm 29. We've been married for 4 1/2 years and together for 10 years come next month. The "when are you going to have a baby" talk has been going on strong for over 5 years. I shrug is off playfully but really I want people to just butt out of my business. I have never gone up to a newly engaged or newly married couple or even a couple who has been together for a while and said "soooo when's the baby?". I don't know their life plans and won't presume to know their life plans. My husband and I will have (or attempt to) child(ren) when we're darn ready for it-not when other people are ready. At this point we enjoy our life.

I never ever tell my children I'm waiting to become a grandmother and ask what are they doing in that direction.
Sooooo not my business.
My youngest son does have one daughter and I thank him for her existence everyday mostly wordlessly. My older son bragged on Facebook that he had received some sort of X box type thingie for Christmas last year. Would hate to see him fighting with his kiddos over toys so I know he's not ready to be a father.

 

[princesspiglet]

My mom comes from a very large Irish-Catholic family. My gma started having babies at 19 and had her last (my mom- number 16) at age 47. Her doctor told her to stop or she would die by 50...so from that day on, her and my gpa had separate bedrooms! LOL

If the doc wouldn't have told her that....who knows, she may have had them until she went into menopause at 55! I wouldn't recommend it though, she died at age 76 when my mom was only 29. It was very hard on her not having her mother around at that age and her doc said the constant pregnancies put too much strain on her body.

 

[nkereina]

I'm 31 now with no kids, but got married last year. With the risk increasing at age 35, imminent family planning is always encouraged at my doctor appointments. DH is 5 years older than me, so that's always on our mind as well. That said, the majority of our friends - many of whom are older than us - don't have kids yet and are planning on it. We have several friends in their mid to late 30s that have had kids recently as well. It feels like this generation is having kids at an older age, with careers, student loans, etc. being priority. We also seem to be marrying later as well.

I am an only child and my mom was 35 and dad was 37 when I was born. From my perspective as the child, the only negative to waiting longer to have kids is that I will lose out on time with my parents as an adult. I've seen both of my parents who are now in their 60's lose their parents (my grandparents) only recently. My grandfather lived to see my dad retire. If my parents stay healthy enough to live into their 80s, that means I'll only be in my 40s, maybe early 50s when they pass. Just another thing to consider, but IMO, a downside to waiting.

 

[pezgirlroy]

I was 33 with my first and 39 with my second. ( I am now 40). I had a stillborn daughter at 23 weeks when I was 36. I understand the fear you are talking about having been in the situation.

 

[MrsDuck]

I'm in my late 20s and am due to have our first child next Thursday. We would've waited another year or two if I hadn't be diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis and wasn't told by my DR to get a move on making babies if that was something we wanted.

I'd say a woman is too old when she feels too old or her doctor is not supportive of the plan.

 

[wonder whisper]

I'm in my late 20s and am due to have our first child next Thursday.

I hope everything goes well then. Your situation caught my attention, because our first child was born in the same general time frame (early December), when my wife was in her mid 20s. She was also the first grandchild for both families. Suffice to say that made for a very memorable holiday season that year, which I also sincerely wish you have.

 

[Mickeyluver37]

I just turned 40 yesterday. I don't feel any different than I did when I turned 37 and my youngest was just 1 week old. Pregnancy wise, I feel as though I could still have kids for a few more years. I think it depends on so many factors, but to answer the specific question asked, I would say 46 is where it crosses over into "too old" for me, although we do not plan on having any more kids.

I had my kids at 19, 21, 30, and 36. People give their unsolicited opinions no matter what age you are when pregnant!